UPJOKE
conferencediscussionsymposiumforumlecturecolloquiumacademicclasscourseworkshoproundtablegatheringkeynotemeetingtopics

Seminar Jokes

Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled.

Tickets are non-refundable.

So I went to a mixed religion seminar...

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I held a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

Seminar

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower? Jim leaned o...

Three archaeologists met in a seminar.

The British said: we dug very deep and found sculpted animal bones. This proves that my ancestors invented art.

The German said: we dug very deep and found a plate-size disk showing the solar system. This proves that my ancestors invented astronomy.

The Italian said: we dug very deep a...

I did a gig at statistics seminar. Told 100 jokes to try and make people laugh.

No pun in ten did.

My colleague won’t be able to attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar,

so I have to fill her slot instead.

At a welcome seminar at a senior assisted living facility...

...the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules: "The female sleeping quarters will be of limits for all males, and likewise the male dormitory to the females.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time".

He continued "Anybody caught ...

I recently went to an Egyptian business seminar....

I'm telling you though, I swear it was some kind of pyramid scheme man.

Man paid 100 dollars to attend seminar called "How to make 10000 dollars in five minutes"

He enters the hall. There's about one hundred people in the audience. The presenter walks up to the mic, says "Approximately like this" and leaves.

I just forked over $5,000 for a reincarnation seminar

I figured what the hell you only live once.

Finally watched a seminar on watches and clocks

It was about time.

I went to a science seminar and they announced they'd developed an acid that ate through everything.

I asked them what they kept it in.

A flat earther snuck into a physics seminar

While the speaker was giving speech on recent development about gravity, flat earther shouted


" Why do you even think that gravity is real? "



Speaker dropped the mic.

Hi, is this the seminar for unpunctual people?

- It was this morning.
- Oh sorry...
- Come in, we just arrived.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm holding a seminar about early ejaculation tomorrow at 10am.

But if you can come early, let me know.

I’m running a seminar tomorrow on multiple personalities.

Please arrive early to fill out your name tags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

I went to a seminar on jokes but left after the setup.

The teacher is so old...

A group of mathematicians are at a team building seminar...

When during the night a fire breaks out in one of the mathematicians room's. He quickly tears pages out of his notebook lighting them on fire one by one. He then runs down the hall sliding sheets of burning paper under other mathematician's doors.

After the building burns to the ground the fi...

I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar...

...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I attended a sexual harassment seminar recently

so now i think im gonna be pretty good at it

A Freshman Seminar Professor Was Trying To Wow His Students

He told them, "In the English Language, a double negative equals a positive. For example, I didn't not do it equals I did it. But no double positive in English equals a negative."

A student in the back shouted, "YEAH, RIGHT!"

I went to a drilling seminar today.

BORING!

I wanted to attend the seminar on vomit control.

Unfortunately, something came up.

Going to a seminar on patience

Can't wait!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy goes to a work seminar.

Paddy is attending a seminar on ‘work ethic’.


In the room is a bloke called Max, a carriage clock and a dwarf mother of three.


‘Right Paddy,’ the dwarf says, ‘Max & I are going to demonstrate some examples of our attitude to work. Afterwards we’d like you to show us an exam...

a nice Italian couple . . .

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands'
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A visiting professor at the University of West Virginia gives a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start," says the professor. "How many have seen a ghost?"

About 20 students raise their hands.

The professor asks, "Has anyone ever...

Two students are leaving a Java seminar

The guy turns to the girl and says "So... how much do you weigh?"

The girl says, "I'm not telling you! That's private!"

Taken aback, the guy says "But I thought we were in the same class!!"

An American, an Frenchman, an Israeli, a Spaniard, and a German go to see a seminar

They show up late, and can only find seats in the back row. When the presenter notices them come in and take seats in the very back, he shouts to them, "Can you guys see me back there?"

They answered back in order, "Yes" "Oui" "Ken" "Si" "Ja"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couples therapist believes the amount of sex you have is directly related to happiness, so he decides to test his theory at his next seminar.

He addresses the crowd in attendance and asks "How many couples here tonight have sex once a day?"

To the therapists delight, about half of the crowd raise their hands with wide, toothy grins across their faces.

The therapist then asks "How many have sex once a week?"

Roughly a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m sitting and waiting for a seminar on Tantric sex to end.

The speaker is taking forever to come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to attend a seminar for psychics and fortune-tellers.

Unfortunately, it has been canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.


One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like jus...

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar .....

A mechanical, electrical and computer engineer were riding together to an engineering seminar when the car suddenly began jerking and shuttering.
The mechanical engineer, said, "I think the car has a faulty carburetor."
The electrical engineer said, "No, I think the problem lies with the alter...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man looking to find evidence of ghosts holds a seminar......

First thing he asks the group "Has anyone ever seen a ghost" a few people raise their hands, excited about the results he continues.... "Has anyone ever touched a ghost?" a couple people raise their hands. Now he's really excited so he goes for it....."Has anyone ever had sex with a ghost?" 1 East I...

Seminar topic at the annual vampire conference

"How to Deal with Stakeholders"

Annual "How to Avoid Array Overflowing" seminar will be held

at Febuary'29

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sent a memo to my secretary about her invite to the upcoming sexual innuendo in the workplace seminar

I said I had to give her one and if she couldn’t come then I would have to fill her slot.

As a volunteer, I taught a seminar on how to write persuasive speeches at my local prison.

I titled the course: "Prose and Cons".

Beer convention

There's a beer convention in town, and all the CEOs from all the beer companes are there. During a break between seminars, a few of them went down to the hotel bar for a drink.

The Anheuser Busch CEO says to the bartender, "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers," and he takes his drink and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Difference

During an anti-sexual harassment seminar at work, I asked, "What's the difference between sexual harassment and good-natured teasing?" A women co-worker shouted, "A million dollars."

Last Respects

At a motivational seminar, 3 men were volunteered to come up to the stage and were asked the same question,"When you are in your casket, and your loved ones are mourning,what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The 1st man said," I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor and a nun

had been asked to speak at a catholic seminar out of town. It was quite a long drive, so they had to stay in a hotel for the night. Unfortunately, during the christmas holidays, all hotels were packed. After visiting 3 hotels that were completely full, they finally found one that had a spare room. T...

Heisenberg and Schroedinger we driving on the freeway

maybe going to a seminar, when they get pulled over by the CHP. The cop comes around to the driver side and says to Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?" And so Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was". The cop scratches his head, and says, "Pop the trunk, I want to take a look"...

On your knees everyone!

After a seminar on 'Your words are powerful' I decided to test my power.

.
So I walked into a banking hall with my right hand in my bag and shouted, " On your knees everyone!"
.

Before I could blink, everybody had obeyed me. Some people even laid face down.
.

After a w...

[Request] Jokes about retirement

I've been using the same joke to open for retirement seminars that I teach and it's been difficult to find good clean jokes about retirement that I can deliver in front of a room of baby boomers. If you have a joke I can share, I'd love to hear it. Here's what I use now: A man prays to God to ask fo...

A man sees a woman and falls madly in love...

In an investment seminar a man saw a beautiful lady and falls madly in love instantly,


He proposes to her, But being a financial planning expert she asks about his background..

He said - "..well, I am an ordinary man today, but few months later, after my ailing father dies, I would...

An old priest goes golfing

An old priest goes golfing one sunny afternoon with a young priest fresh out of seminar. The old priest carefully places his ball on the tee, concentrates, and strikes beautifully. However, the wind blows the ball off course and it falls into the rough.

"That goddamn wind!" says the old pries...

Bubba n' Buford III

Bubba n' Buford jes left Texas A&M where they'd attend a seminar entitled "Advanced Composting" n' were a headin' back up Highway 79 towards east Texas. After a bit they got into an argument over whether Marquez was pronounced Mar-KEY or Mar-KAY. Well, they decided since they were about to go ...

It's Obvious...

So two mathematicians meet in the corridor of their building and one asks the other "so what are you working on?" The second mathematician replies "I've been working on this interesting proof, come into the lounge and I'll show you".

The two go into the faculty lounge and the guy starts to wo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This husband and wife had been driving for nearly 20 hours

and decide its time too get a room too relax and get a little sleep. They find a nice hotel and get a room for the night. They go up stairs too there room,shower,eat and sleep.they wake up,eat breakfast ad go down stairs too check out. The receptionist tells them there bill is 350 dollars,the husban...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blonde Research Study

An American research firm is tasked with conducting a study to determine if blonde women truly are less intelligent than everyone else. To do this, they host a convention for blonde women at an airport Hilton. At the orientation meeting, the chief researcher greets the crowd in a large banquet room....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.