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My school had a assembly about preventing orgasms.

Nobody came

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

Trump walks into the UN General Assembly

Everyone laughs

I work on a two-person assembly line of Dracula toys...

I’ve got to make every second count

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The dean of a conservative college was mad that boys kept entering the girls dorm.... He called a general assembly and said:

"It is unacceptable for anyone to enter the dormitory of the opposite sex! If anyone is caught doing this from now on, it will result in a $100 fine for the first offence. If the same individual is caught a second time, the fine is $500, and for a third offence, the fine is $1000! Does anyone have a...

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

My head teacher started her assembly by saying "it came to my attention yesterday"

I really don't like being called "it"

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In school, we had an assembly on bullying

The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal abuse he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?'. Apparently, 'Up the arse!' wasn't a suitable answer.

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Sh...

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Phil Smith’s Scrotum

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men...

Why do tachyons program in assembly?

Because it's faster then C

[Pun] Why did Henry invent the assembly line?

He couldn't a-Ford not to.

*bad-dum tish*

When I'm down, I read shelving assembly instructions.

Shelf help books make me feel better.

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Diary of a cat....

Haven't seen this one in my feed for a while....

​

The Cat’s Diary

**Day 983 of My Captivity**

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of ...

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

A chemical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer are diving in a car....

... when they begin down a hill and the brakes fail! The car goes faster and faster and eventually veers off the road through a guard rail, through some woods, narrowly missing numerous trees and boulders and miraculously comes to a stop in some bushes with no one being injured. After catching the...

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Voices

A man worked his whole adult life on an assembly line. Day in, day out, same boring thing. Then one day in the middle of his mind numbing shift he hears a little voice whisper: "*Quit your job, sell your house and belongings, take the money,go to Vegas."* He was startled, but shook it off and went...

My dad just called a family meeting.

Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.

"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.

"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says...

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Man's sex life

When God created the earth, he gathered all the creatures around him before setting them out onto the firmament. He told the gathered assembly that he was granting each species 20 years of sex.

Man was horrified. Disappointed, he stood up and simply said, "Thank you Lord," before sitting back...

My doctor has just diagnosed me as having low blood pressure.

He’s given me a prescription for two Ikea self-assembly wardrobes.

To Be Fair

I finally got my first real job last month working for the Arizona tea company. I thought I was a perfect fit; although I was a lawyer working for a drinks company, they had an extensive legal department to handle any potential controversies with any of their sold items.

My first case involve...

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory...

The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole...

Ingar Kamprad, the founder of IKEA has passed away

- flat pack coffins

- Allen key

- left over parts

- missing screws

This joke needs some assembly

The beverage factory

Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.

"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship....

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Railroad tracks, a horses ass... and rockets! [Long]

The US standard railroad gauge (the distance between two rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches... an exceedingly odd number.


Why was that gauge used?

Because a number of the early railroad lines in the US were built to fit standard-gauge locomotives manufactured by English railroad pioneer G...

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A Jewish man is looking for a job

He walks into a metal factory and asks the owner "do Jews work here?"
The owner replies "yes, we have many Jewish workers" but the man decides not to apply for the job.

He goes to another factory and again asks the owner "do Jews work here?" The owner replies "yes, our Jewish workers are s...

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so little Johnny goes to a girls school...

stands in the middle of the ground during morning assembly, stands facing the girls, turns around, drops his pants, drops his underwear, and bends over.

While all the girls are in shock at this perverse display, security personnel come over and he is taken to the principal.

Principal...

Sewing machine factory

This is a Soviet joke that was told to me recently. It takes place during a war.

---


A woman at a sewing machine factory has worked there for 40 years, working at an assembly line. A party is held to celebrate her 40 year work anniversary.

At the party, the director of the f...

After the worse accident the town has ever seen

A lorry has managed to drive into a school, ran over students during their assembly. The paramedics estimate that the deaths number in more than a hundred person. In order to get to the bottom of the accident, a policeman started to question the driver.

Driver: I was just trying to avoid the ...

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The journalist and the villager.

A journalist is traveling across the country, visiting all the small villages he finds in his way.

One day, he meets a villager:

-Good morning, sir. I'm making a documentary about the customs and traditions of many villages and you are the first person I've found today. Can I ask you a...

My grandma Edna had to get a job...

...so she applied and was hired at the toy factory where they make Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. She was led to her station near the end of the assembly line where the foreman told her what was expected of her.

A couple hours later, the foreman came back to check on her. He stood behind her and o...

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A Russian factory owner and his Japanese competitor meet up to discuss some business offers.

They produce the same kind of engine and talk about some details about the manufacturing process.

The Japanese man says: "I have nine people working on assembly, how many do you use?". The Russian actually has a hundred doing the same, but not to embarrass himself he says "I actually hire ten...

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What do u call 3 mexicans, 1 asian, and 4 blacks?

A water sprinkler, cuz it goes spic...spic... spic, chink, niggerniggerniggernigger


I'm black btw, heard it at an anti-racism assembly in high school of all places.

During the communist rule

in the USSR a big assembly was held and members of the communist party were giving speeches to the general public. The highest ranking official was making his speech and he proclaimed "soon we will live even better!". This was followed by a voice from the audience "and what about us?!"

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International relations

The United Nations noticed that there was a lot of dissent among its ranks and relationships were strained. The UN leaders called a meeting and came up with a plan to increase morale that was discussed and agreed upon by all members.

The plan was to take a representative from three different...

Tickle Me Elmo Factory

The Tickle Me Elmo factory has just hired a new employee, and today's her first day on the job. The plant manager gives her a quick tour of the assembly line, then shows the employee her station at the end of the line where she will be operating. The morning whistle blows and production on the line ...

Henry ford meets god

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention ... the Assembly line for the automobile ... changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."
Ford thinks about it, and sa...

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The Programming Language Competition (OC)

The programming languages are in a competition to see who's the best.

Java makes the brackets. In the major bracket, C++ is against C#. Binary is against assembly. C is against Java. Visual Basic is against PHP. Perl is against JavaScript.

And Python is in the lowest bracket, with al...

The worker at the match factory.

This guy works in a match factory on the assembly line.

One day he has an epiphany, the next day he marches up to the presidents office.

*"I figured out how to save you millions"* he says.

*"For my idea I want 1 million dollars, if you implement it and it works you have to p...