What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and an owl?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

Why do the French never eat tuna sandwiches?

Because bread is pain and fish is poisson

What is the difference between a tuna fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can’t tuna fish!

“But you forgot about the stick of glue!”

I knew you’d get stuck on that!

Did you hear the one about the armless man and the tuna sandwich?

**He didn't make it.**

Two tuna fish passing by a submarine. Big Tuna Mommy says:

Don’t be scared little Tuna, these are canned humans.

-I read this joke when I was five. I still think it’s funny. -

Given the terms “crab”, “tuna”, “lobster”, and “Chinese guy caught in an avalanche of boulders”, which does not fit?

Ans: “tuna”. The other 3 are crushed asians.

Why did the squirrel bury the tuna?

Because if you spell it backwards, it’s a nut.

A man messaged his ex : Just now ate a tuna taco and suddenly you came in my mind “

She messaged him back : “ just now ordered a mini hot dog , it came in just 2 minutes. Suddenlu you came in my mind “

I looked at the bottom of a tuna tin and it said: "Best Before Date"

I thought, "No, it isn't."

A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn't belong?

The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a dive bar...

And takes a seat at a table. Looking over their menu, he sees it has only three options: Tuna Salad Sandwich $1.50, Chicken Salad Sandwich $4.50 and lastly Hand Job $5.00.

"Wow, what a bargain," he thought to himself, somewhat stunned as a gorgeous blonde approached to take his order. "Are...

The Tuna thought he was doing a great job at work.

Instead, he was canned.

What's the difference between a Piano, a Tuna, and a tub of Glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna. As for the glue... well I knew you'd get stuck on that one.

This joke might seem a little fishy, but I find it key to tell a joke that can really stick with people.

How are Michael Jackson and Starfish Tuna similar?

They both come in little cans.

Is that a tuna roll in your pocket, or are you just happy sashimi

yuk yuk yuk

Why did the tuna cross the strait?

To get to the other tide.

How long should you microwave fish for?

Tuna half minutes.

A hungry man stops at a small restaurant along the road...

to buy something to eat. Behind the bar is a very attractive young girl smiling at him. Next to her is a board that reads:

* Tuna Sandwich $8
* Beef Sandwich $9
* Turkey Sandwich $8.5
* Handjob $5

After having read the board, the man asks the beautiful girl "Hey gorgeous are y...

What did the visually-challenged gentleman say as he walked past the tuna stand at the open air market on a hot summer's day?

Hello ladies. Warm enough for you?

If you have three tuna and take away one half, what do you have?

Two 'n' a half -OR- tuna half.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lumber yard joke.

The owner of a lumber yard is interviewing people for a job in his lumber yard. He has several applicants that day and none of them are particularly noteworthy until a blind man walks in. Obviously confused the owner says " um, sir how do you propose you are to work in my lumber yard if you can't se...

I paid a fish to come over to re-key my guitar, piano and drums.

He was a professional tuna.

What do you call 2 sodium atoms in the ocean?

tuNa

Three workers were having lunch on a bridge

They were each discussing what they had for lunch. Sam had a ham and cheese sandwich: “Man if my wife packs ham and cheese one more time this week I am jumping off this bridge. Tony had roast beef: “Me too man, I’m sick of roast beef. If I get this one more time this month I’m jumping off.” Carl had...

Why do fish always sing off key?

Because you can't tuna fish

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

What do you call it when you have a fish on the line but it gets away?

Herring Loss.


Alternatively:

Q: Why was it so difficult for the old man to reel in his fish?



A: He was hard of herring.



Q: How can fish just ignore you completely?


A: They just tuna you out.



Q: Why is Timmy afraid to go ou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three women are working construction. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette.

The three of them are sitting down to have lunch, and the redhead opens her lunch to find she has the same tuna sandwich she always gets. She exclaims “I swear, if I have to eat a tuna sandwich for lunch again, I’m going to jump off this building and kill myself.”

The brunette opens her lunc...

My favorite Lent joke (as told to me by an Episcopal reverend)

A Protestant moves into a Catholic neighborhood. It's a pretty open-minded and welcoming community, and everyone gets along great.

The first time an issue presents itself is when Lent rolls around. During Lent, the Catholics in the neighborhood all swear off red meat. Every day at lunch, h...

Three builders are eating lunch on a building they’re working on

It’s about 7 stories up and they’re dangling their feet on the end of the building. The first builder opens his lunch box and sees a tuna sandwich. He said that if his wife packs him a tuna sandwich one more time he’ll jump off the building. The second building opens his lunch box and sees a hotdog....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun goes down to the market...

A nun goes down to the market to buy a fish to prepare for dinner back at the convent. As she approaches the local fisherman's stand, she sees him holding up a massive fish, saying, "I'm selling this big Sunnuvabitch!". The nun, repulsed by such language, chastises the fisherman for saying this. He ...

Conversation between a fisherman and an MBA graduate

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lumber company posts a job opening for a wood identification expert.

One day there is a knock on the door of the office. When the manager opens it there is a man with no arms or legs, and he is wearing dark glasses.

"I am here about the job"

The manager says, "but you have no arms or legs"

"I am also blind," the man replies.

"How can you p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three construction workers are eating lunch on a beam of a 50 story building...

First guy looks in his lunch box. "Tuna again. If I have to eat this shit one more time, I'm gonna kill myself."

Second guy looks in his lunch box. "Egg salad again. If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm gonna kill myself, too."

Third guy looks in his lunch box. "Goddamn bologna....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bro Quiz (NSFW)

The Bro Quiz

In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a lovemaking
b screwing
c the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a your views about what you e...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are three men that are all construction workers...

... one's a brunette, one's a ginger, and one's a blond. And every day at noon, they all sit together on top of whatever structure they are currently working on, and eat their packed lunches together.

One day, they opened their lunch-boxes to see what had gotten packed for them, and were not ...

Three Guys are Sitting on a Bridge...

After a long day of work, all three of them decide to pop open their lunchboxes and chow down.

Guy 1: "PB&J Again? I swear I'm gonna jump right off this bridge if I ever have to eat this again"

Guy 2: "Ugh Leftover Tuna-fish, if I so much as smell it again I'm gonna jump right off ...

What do you call a chance to try a fishy broth at a classy musical event?

An opera-tuna-tea.

My ears are still ringing from my wife’s groan.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 young boys are eating lunch on a bridge

The first one, who is French, says "If I find another baloney sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I'm jumping off of this bridge!"

The second one, who is Irish, says "If I find another turkey sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I'm jumping off of this bridge!"

The third one, who is Scottish, say...

A man goes to a French market

He wanders around the market, looking for ingredients to make a fish stew. He buys some carrots, onions, and even a few exotic spices. But he still needs to find some fresh fish. He heads over to the deli where he sees an amazing arrangement of meats, cheeses, and of course, seafood. He asks the man...

What is a jawa's favorite style of pasta?

Rotini

Sorry, was picking out pasta for tuna casserole and it made me laugh.

Guess how many fish I got from the market?

Tuna half.