UPJOKE
pastanoodlegarlicmeatloaflasagnaraviolirisottosoupmacaronitomato saucemeatwheatmeatballwaterboiling

My girlfriend said I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti

You should've seen her face when I drove pasta.

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the chi...

I started cooking spaghetti.

Just to pasta time.

I wanted to try Spaghetti in Italy to see if it was better, but it tasted the same.

Though it was a bit cold from the flight over.

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

How does a guy from Boston ask his minister to pass him the spaghetti at dinner?

"Pastah pastah pastah."

Why is Mom's Spaghetti better than the covid vaccine?

cuz you only get one shot

I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti. She didn't believe me...

Until I rode pasta.

A man yells to his waiter: “There’s a pubic hair in my soup!”

Waiter: “No reason to be so upset, it is just a hair”
Man: “I understand, it’s just a little hair, but i prefer things with right timing!”
Waiter: ”And how’s that?”
Man: ”Let’s say you go down on your wife, would you be ok finding a spaghetti?”

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

"Buzz, why in tarnation did ya shoot the spaghetti?", Woody exclaimed.

Buzz leaned back with a satisfied smile.

"Wasn't up to my standards", he commented.

"What do you mean?", Woody replied.

"Flavours were off."

"You... you've had spaghetti?"

"It's a Space Ranger specialty. In all emergency ration kits. And given how many emergencies ...

My 9 year old told me this one. What is the difference between girl spaghetti and boy spaghetti?

Meatballs.

She's so petite and delicate so it was perfectly hilarious.

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening. They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

EDIT; Thank you for all the awards, I guess I pasta test!

A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti….

It says, “Damn, that was one hell of an orgy!”

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Travelling salesman

There was a travelling salesmen who had the job since he was he was seventeen so was constantly on the road, and had only ever slept with prostitutes his whole life. Due to this fact he had never went down on a woman for fear of where they might have been, although it was something he always desired...

A man and his wife are out to dinner when the wife drops spaghetti

Wife: “Dang it! I look like a pig!”

Husband: “And you spilled on your shirt.”

The Poacher and the Bishop of Ely

One day, Sam the poacher is off doing his thing in the fields, when he sees the Bishop of Ely, on his way home from a banquet, urgently looking round for a bush- any bush. Sam, seeing this, only goes and hides behind the same bush as the Bishop. Realising what the Bishop is up to, quick as a flash...

A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.

The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.


The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.


The next date sho...

If you die eating spaghetti...

you pasta way

A restaurant served me soggy spaghetti

So I put in a re-straining order.

I asked the flight attendant what was in the spaghetti sauce

She said don't worry it's plane pasta.

Spaghetti with Meatballs isn't real Italian cuisine. It's made in America, posing as Italian cuisine.

Spaghetti with Meatballs is an **IMPASTA**!

Why was the spaghetti so exhausted?

Because it strained itself

What's the secret ingredient in Bruce Buffer's spaghetti sauce?

iiiiiiit's Thyme!!!

What do girls and spaghetti have in common? [NSFW]

The both wiggle when you eat them

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I sexually identify as a spaghetti.

Straight until wet.

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A man walks into a restaurant after a bull fight

A man walks into a Spanish restaurant after a big bull fight. He looks at the menu for a bit and spots ‘meatballs del toro’. So he calls the waiter over and orders this plate. Later, two giant, steaming meatballs come out atop a large plate of spaghetti. Best meatballs the man has ever had. He leave...

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Did you hear about the woman who tried to solicit sex for spaghetti?

She got charged with Pastatution

Threw out a noodle I found in a packet of spaghetti.

It was the impasta.

What did the cheese say to the spaghetti?

I'm gonna touch you. Do I have your parmesan?

Spaghetti wife is sitting the the waiting room, waiting for her husband to get out of surgery

The doctor walks in and says " Im sorry to inform you but your husband pasta-way."

Car made out of spaghetti

I told my neibourgh I had made a car out of spaghetti she said don't be rediculous, well she got a shock next day when I drove pasta

What does a German-Italian call the flying spaghetti monster?

Oh manigott !

Women are like spaghetti.

They're only straight until they get wet.

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Luigi and Maria at their first night after wedding

Luigi and Maria at their first night after wedding at Luigi MIL's house.

Maria is a nervous virgin, but finally Mama 'shoos' her upstairs to be with her husband.

Luigi is sitting on the bed admiring Maria, undressing her with his eyes. Maria runs downstairs to the kitchen where Mama i...

What do you call a strip club that serves spaghetti and meatballs?

Titaly

What do you call a plate of spaghetti that sells itself?

A pastatute

What’s the difference between my ex and a bowl of spaghetti?

Spaghetti wiggles when I eat it.

My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldn’t work

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta

Did you hear about the man who ate too much spaghetti?

He pasta-way

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A husband dies after consuming spaghetti..

Doc: It appears that your husband died from a pierced abdomen.

Wife: How is it possible? All he had was spaghetti.

Doc: After consuming spaghetti, he took some viagra. You know what that does to limp noodles.

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Did ya'll ever hear about that lady who was selling sexual favors for spaghetti?

She was a pastatute

A farmer has four daughters named Betty, Mary, Flo, and Luck. who each have dates tonight.

He is overprotective about his daughters, and he fidgets with his shotgun a lot. He is also nervous about the boys coming to pick them up. He hears a knock on the door and opens it. There is standing one of the daughters dates.

The boy says,

"Hi my name is Teddy!

I'm here to pi...

Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep?

It was pasta bedtime.

Why is it so hard to eat spaghetti?

I'm not sure, but I heard it was in pasta bowl

Asked a mate about the Flying Spaghetti Monster

He said Well, it boils down to this

So I went to buy some spaghetti at the store

It was so crowded to I grabbed one packet and ran out.
I pasta-out in the process...

There was a pile up on Spaghetti Junction today.

Reports say that 4 people were injured and 3 pasta way.

Are you spaghetti?

Cause I want you to meet my balls.

I really like going to the Old Spaghetti Factory, but..

I just wish they would make me a fresh plate.

How do you tell a boy spaghetti from a girl spaghetti?

Meatballs

I tried to build a car out of spaghetti, my wife lost her temper and said it would never work and threatened to leave me, anyway, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta. After a while my obsession got the better of me and she walked out..

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

Spaghetti.

A man has an affaire with an italian woman, and gets her pregnant by accident.


Because the man didn't want to hurt his reputation or his marriage he made a deal with the woman. He would financially take care of the kid from birth to the baby's 18th birthday if she would move to Italy and ...

When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop.

He was known as the pasta barista baby.

A priest and a nun are sitting at a dinner table, eating spaghetti

With every bite, the nun, a notoriously sloppy eater, spills sauce on her clothing.




The priest says to the nun, "You've got some stains on your tunic," to which the nun replies, "It's a dirty habit."

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How do you put spaghetti to sleep?

You cover it in peanut butter until it dies.


My 4 year old made that up, along with a few others. Not sure how I feel about this.

If I waited to long to eat my spaghetti, would I be....

Pro-pasta-nating?

How much thyme does Mike Tyson put into his spaghetti?

About twenty minutes

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send m...

How do you cook divine spaghetti?

Al Dante.

Alphabetti Spaghetti makes a handy ouija board...

...for contacting people who've pasta way.

One Friday Night Bob's four Teenage daughter were all going out on a dates.

Bob told his daughters, "As soon as your dates arrive I'll talk to them. If I don't like them, I'll shoot them."

The doorbell rang and bob answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who are you?" Bob asked. The boy said, "My name is Teddy. I am going steady with Betty. We are getting Spaghetti. Is ...

I was teaching my son to cook spaghetti bolognese, he asked "How do I know when the spaghetti is ready?"

"Ah, that's the magic bit! You throw it at the wall and if it sticks, it's ready!" I smiled.

From over my shoulder I heard the clatter of a pan hitting the wall, then a voice said "Some of it stuck..."

Opening a new restaurant, focusing on gourmet noodles and spaghetti. We're also going to offer free delivery.

We're calling it Send Noods

Half Italian, half Irish?

Call that *Spaghetti alla* car-bomb-*ara*

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What's the difference between a hooker and farting after eating spaghetti?

One gets paid to have sex and the other's a pasta toot.

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