A journalist is sentenced to die at the gallows, but they run out of rope

He says: "I guess no noose is good news"

Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Got arrested today and the cops said they needed to take my fingerprints and put them on file. But when we got to the station, the sergeant said they'd run out of fingerprint ink.

So they just asked for 6 digit passcode instead.

I think they're trying to PIN something on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple has run out of money..

They decide that the only solution is that the wife turn to the oldest profession to help them make ends meet.

The husband drops her off at the street corner and tells her he'll be back to pick her up at the end of the night.

When he arrives to pick her up he asks: "So, how much did y...

What happens when you run out of manure on a farm?

You have to make doo.

What do bodybuilders say when they run out of protein?

No whey!

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

What do Germans do when they run out of beer?

They wine

I've run out of toilet paper and started to use old newspapers instead.

The Times are rough

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

"The onion" has run out of business

They just say that they have no chance to best Trump at satirical news.

What do you call a pen that has run out of ink?

a has-pen

What should you do if you run out of toilet paper in the wilderness?

Take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

My friends water got cut-off recently and he's starting to run out. I sent him a card.

"Get Well Soon"

I opened the fire exit door for a girl to run out with me out of the burning building. I kept it open for her to come.

"I have a boyfriend!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it worse for trappers when they run out of toilet paper?

They have to wipe their butts with their bear hands.

What do you say to grasslands that have run out of nutrients and can no longer support grazing livestock like they used to?

You're pasture prime.

Quarantine has been hard. I've run out of toilet paper, and have to use lettuce leaves. It's only going to get worse, though...

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

With all of the craziness at the grocery stores we've run out of toilet paper at my house and had to resort to using newspaper.

These Times are rough.

I seem to have run out of tea...

What a catastrotea.

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

If I ever run out of dad jokes....

I’ve always got daylight savings time puns to fall back on

I feel like time has run out

All the clocks in my house are blinking 00:00

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A Preist and a Rabbi run out of a burning building

The Preist says,"Waphat about the kids?"


The Rabbi responds with, "Fuck the kids!"


The Preist asks, "Do we have time?"

Two Nuns run out of gas...

Two Nuns run out of gas a mile from the gas station.

They are rummaging around the car for a gas can, or some other container to hold the fuel but all they can find is a bed pan.

So they take the bed pan and walk the mile to the station, fill the pan and walk back to the car.
...

"Sorry," says the bartender, "I've run out of jokes. Besides, haven't you got this backwards?"

A punchline walks into a bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if a Turian has run out of ammo?

He switches to the stick up his ass as a backup weapon.

What do Grateful Dead fans say when they run out of drugs?

Hey guys, what's that horrible music?

Source: A friend who followed the Dead around told me this years ago.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men run out of gas at a farm in the middle of nowhere.

Nothing is in sight and the nearest gas station was far beyond walking distance.


The three men decide to knock on the door and ask the farmer for gas. The farmer agrees to give them gas but only in exchange for a favor. His daughter was desperate to be laid.


The men looked at e...

I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time...I'm scared they'll run out

....of the park

Why shouldn't you worry if you run out of bread at an Indian restaurant?

Because it's a naan issue.

I'll never run out of protein powder

There'd be no whey!

If you run out of weed..

try burning the Quran instead. It will also get you stoned.

Whenever I asked for an ice cream from the van, my Mum would tell me that when they played music it meant that they’d run out

This isn't a joke, I'm 30 yrs old now finding out otherwise.

Why did the brothel run out of money?

Why did the brothel run out of money? Because all of the investors pulled out.

What do you do when you run out of salt for an experiment?

You get Mohr salt.

In america you run out of money

In Soviet Russia you run out of country

What's happened if you've run out of time and have had to get home before meeting your date?

You've been clock blocked.

Why did Carrie Underwood run out of cheese?

Because Jesus took the wheel.

I heard that after Hurricane Irma, FEMA will run out of money.

This is surprising since I thought they would have a rainy day fund.

What do you become when you run out of coffee?

Depresso

Helium is a limited resource and we could run out of it in our lifetime...

Balloon prices are going to go sky high.

Why do we never run out of math teachers?

Because they are always multiplying.

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