UPJOKE
drainagewatersewerwaste pipedrainpipedepletesoakdrippourflushemptyingflowwastesoil pipedebilitate

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain...

...can a hooker get laid off?

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

A man noticed another man throwing 50 dollar bills into a drain

“What are you doing?!!” He asked.

“I accidentally dropped a dollar down there” the man responded.

“So why are you throwing even more money in?”

“ There’s no way I am going to crawl down there for just a dollar”

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.

11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:38 - Realised watch was broken.

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

my friend was found dead in a drain.

The police said he had killed himself.

"How can you be sure" I asked.

They said "it's clearly sewer-cide"

Drains on society

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, this past election year has really got me thinking. Did you know 4 million of these people enter our country each year? They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hard-working Americans and the government ...

It can get hairy.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

What fuels electronics but drains a relationship?

Battery

A man killed himself next to a drain

It was sewer-side

Why wouldn't the listerine go down the drain?

Because it's antiseptic

Armed robbers. Some say they're a drain on society.

But you've got to give it to them...

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An American spy comes into a Soviet bar

And orders a drink.

"No drink for US spies" said the barkeep.

The spy goes pale. He pulls out a bottle of Vodka and drains it in one big gulp.

"You drink like Russian, but you are American spy"

The spy pulls out his accordeon and plays a wonderful Russian folk song, every...

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Turns out, when you drain the swamp...

You are left with nothing, but the shit at the bottom.

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

Why did Donald Trump drain the swamp?

So he could hire what was on the bottom.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

I told my friend i drained all his oil out of the car without him knowing.

But it was a crude joke.

I asked the plumber to install a garbage disposal on the bathtub drain...

He looked at me like - I - was the psycho.

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

I’m so busy with Covid and homeschool that I forgot to drain the kids mac & cheese.

Next time I'll set a Google Colander reminder...

As I stared at the hot water flowing towards my shower drain I realized something.

It's all downhill from here.

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How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"

The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."

The color drains from the man's ...

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Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.

That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.

What do you get when you drain a hot tub full of clowns?

Several gallons of laughing stock.

My wife complained that long baths feel draining

So I got her a plug.

A small boy saved a clown from a stormwater drain.

Police cannot believe It!

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What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

I emptied my lemonade bottle down the drain and filled it with my urine, in hopes of catching my roommate in the act.

I learned the following morning that I had the uncanny ability of sleep-drinking.

My last few relationships have drained the life from me.

I'm something of a tick magnet.

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

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Little Johnny was playing with his favorite car out front of his house when he accidentally lost it down the drain.

Johnny starts swearing his head off when the local priest walks past.

"Johnny, you shouldn't swear like that. God's everywhere"

"Bullshit, he can't be everywhere at once" says Johnny.

"But he is. He's around us as we speak" replies the priest.

"OK" says Johnny, "Is he at ...

I just lost 150 pounds of useless, life draining fat

I got a divorce.

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In order to tell when I have to get it drained, I have a pole that I dip into my septic tank.

(Shitpost)

The husband finds his wife's favorite cat passed away.

The cat is stucked in the drain on the roof and drowned.

When the wife gets home the husband and coldly tells her the truth. "Honey, your cat is dead!"

The wife is saddened by hearing it but she starts to nag her husband to be a bit more commiserating.

"Why you are so cruel? Y...

Parrot on a plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, 'And get me a coke, you cow!' The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When t...

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from th...

Exasperated, she asked her spouse "Please stop peeing in the shower, it's gross."

He frowned, retorting defensively "Oh come on, hun! It's not that big a deal. A bunch of people pee in the shower. It just washes down the drain..."

She sighed before offering a compromise. "Fine, but can you at least not do it while I'm the one taking a shower?"

I once had a job cleaning other people's pools...

It started off swimmingly, but soon it got to be too draining.

I tried installing a calendar app but accidentally installed a colander .

It keeps draining my battery.

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I hate shower sex.

My dick always gets stuck in the drain.

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Headaches.

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was m...

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife A Little Girl Picks Up The Phone. "Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?" "I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve." "Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway."

3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.

"Daddy, I did what you said an...

Dreamworks has announced a new film exploring Hiccup's descent into depression and alcoholism after saying goodbye to Toothless.

It's called *How to Drain Your Flagon.*

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Men sometimes call their penis a Trouser Snake.

But when peeing they say they're Draining the Lizard.

Do they have a Reptile dysfuction?

Turns out Trump just got confused

He made the swamp great again and drained America.

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

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My wife gets mad at me for peeing in the shower.

I keep explaining to her it's the best way to break the poop up into smaller pieces, so it goes down the drain. She just doesn't understand.

Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.

The Monkees visit a bar every Tuesday...

Each time they visit, they never finish their drinks, leaving them for the waiter to tidy up.

One night, the waiter approaches Micky Dolenz:

"Excuse me sir, you waste $30 on drinks every Tuesday that just get thrown down the drain. Why do you do it?"

Micky turns to the waiter an...

An American walks into an Irish pub...

He slams some money on the counter and loudly announces "These 100 Pounds go to the man who can drain ten pints of guinness without pausing!" He then orders the bartender to line up ten pints, and asks "Anyone who thinks he can do it?"
After a moment, Paddy gets up and says "I'll have a go at it,...

Why did the plumber cry ?

Cause all his hard work went down the drain.

Peanuts

There was a priest in a church, listening to people's confessions. One day, a boy came up to him.

"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned," the boy said.

"Okay, what is your confession?" the priest asked.

"I threw peanuts down the drain"

The priest was very confused, neve...

Four engineers in a car...

Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously th...

With all these Politicians testing Positive for COVID-19...

It looks like Trump kept his promise to drain the swamp.

A man to a psychiatrist:

“How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.” ...

Vampire joke

Three vampires meet up in the street to talk about their recent kills.

The first vampire has some blood dripping onto his chin.

"See that pole over there?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Well beyond it I found a couple and drained them dry."

The second vampire has blood all ove...

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A Married Woman Tries to Spice Up Her Sex Life

Woman: Hey baby, I just shaved my Pussy. Do you know what that means?...........
Man: Yes, the fucking shower drain is clogged again.

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"Honey come here a minute!" called Jenny.

"What is it?" said Tim entering the bathroom.

"I thought you might like to know", whispered Jenny, "I'm completely shaven down there."

Tim raised an eyebrow

"You know what that means." Jenny said seductively.

"Oh, I know what that means." said Tim.

"The fucking dra...

What’s the difference between a sewer grate and a neckbeard?

A sewer grate is less of a drain in society.

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What did the rectum say to the toilet?

There goes all my hard work, down the drain.

A inspector visits a sanatoriun to check its conditions.

During the tour the director takes him to one of their newly designed test rooms, claiming its foolproof.

"We fill up this bathtub to the brim see? Then we hand to the inmate a spoon and a cup and ask him to empty the tub" Says the director

The inspector nods and replies with a smile "...

Peeing is like your future

Except clearer, and there's no question it's going down the drain.

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I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.

However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus:

I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which...

[NSFW] What does China and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

Cleaning up the bloody mess by spraying it down the drain

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My dad and I were in a hotel and he tried the coffe...

... and smiled and said "Ahh, it's like making love in a canoe". I asked "it's that good?" and he stopped smiling and looked me in the eyes and said "no, it's fucking close to water" before pouring it down the drain.

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