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Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.

That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.

During a visit to the mental asylum...

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.....


"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub...

A man noticed another man throwing 50 dollar bills into a drain

“What are you doing?!!” He asked.

“I accidentally dropped a dollar down there” the man responded.

“So why are you throwing even more money in?”

“ There’s no way I am going to crawl down there for just a dollar”

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain...

...can a hooker get laid off?

Why did Donald Trump drain the swamp?

So he could hire what was on the bottom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Turns out, when you drain the swamp...

You are left with nothing, but the shit at the bottom.

What fuels electronics but drains a relationship?

Battery

What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?

They both slowly remove clogs.

I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

I like my women like I like my drain pipes.

Covered in a thin layer of PVC and attached to a wall.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the rectum say to the toilet?

There goes all my hard work, down the drain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

What do you get when you drain a hot tub full of clowns?

Several gallons of laughing stock.

A small boy saved a clown from a stormwater drain.

Police cannot believe It!

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

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A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

Have you tried duct tape?

Dave is sitting at the bar with his friend Mike, confiding in him about his troubled love life.

"I'm crazy about this girl at work" Dave starts, "but I can't even look at her without getting a massive erection. How am I supposed to ask her out if I can't even look at her without losing the ru...

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A dyslexic plumber had a bad day.

He hated his disorder because it made him sound unprofessional when speaking to his clients.

First, he visited the home of a soccer mom with a broken dishwasher. "Are you the woman with the busted wishdasher?" he asked. She was, and she didn't correct him so as not to offend him. He fixed the...

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My wife gets mad at me for peeing in the shower.

I keep explaining to her it's the best way to break the poop up into smaller pieces, so it goes down the drain. She just doesn't understand.

Church bake sale

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies Group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale, and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying ...

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Two guys walk into a bar and take turns ordering rounds of beer.

After a few rounds have passed, one guy drains his mug and says to the other, "Your round." "Well so are you, you fat jerk," the other guy replies.

NSFW - Long - A man takes a trip to a bar in Florida

While drinking, the Bartender tells the man that they have a local challenge, which no one has ever actually successfully completed. However, the prize is free liquor from that bar for the rest of the man's life. The man, never one to back down, decides to bite, and asks the Bartender about the chal...

For the win

A man received a call from the local TV-station. He had signed up for a contest a few days ago and now he was informed that he had been chosen as a potential winner. The price was $10000. The task was simple: reach the TV-station within 15 minutes to win the price. Having just lost his job and with ...

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I like my women how I like my coffee

Cold, bitter, a drain on my income, and able to be smelled from across the office.

Oh and with several dicks inside them.

My wife got mad at me for buying $10,000 worth of toilet paper.

She said i was flushing all of our money down the drain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens.

Six months of training with my niggas down the drain.

Bathroom Poetry

This little throne I call my own

I aim to keep it neat

So drain your soul, pee down the hole

And not upon the seat

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A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear.

He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."
The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"
"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I ha...

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My girlfriend came out of the shower...

She said, “I shaved my pussy, do you know what that means?”
I said, “Yeah, the fucking drain is clogged.”

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.

While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one o...

A man goes to an asylum and asks

“How do you admit your patients?” The psychiatrist says “ Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub”. The man replies “I see, so the sane person would take the bucket”, and the psychiatrist replies “No, the sane person wil...

Crazy Vs Stupid

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to a Mental Hospital.

Just as he was about to leave, he discovered he had a flat tyre. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
<...

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The Two Cow Philosophy

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neigh...

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A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from."

The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies "you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

At which point, the father whale was stricken by a long thin object which penetrated him with ease. He saw that it appeared to...

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How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"

The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."

The color drains from the man's ...

A guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3 doors.

The devil says, "It's your lucky day. I'm
gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. You
have to complete 3 tasks.

"Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack
Daniel's. You have to drain it in one drink.

"Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear
with a sore t...

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

I Need A Raise

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I current...

A woman arrives at the pearly gates and meets Peter....

Peter says right this way. As they start to go the woman hears a whizzing noise like a drill and a blood curdling scream.
She looks terrified and says "What's that?!"
Peter says "it's ok that's just the lady before you. They're just drilling a hole in the back of her head to fit her halo. Do...

Sean Bean is walking down the street

Heard you guys like long OC.

&nbsp;

Sean Bean is walking down the street, enjoying his Sunday night. Suddenly, a black paneled van pulls up next to him. Four massive dudes in ski masks wearing all black leap out and try to grab him. Sean remembers his GoT training and manages to ta...

The day my dog died

When I was about four years old my brother had an old beater of a sports car, and one day he and my dad were draining the gas tank before they do more work. So they drain the gas into a bucket and then go inside for beer. My dog Hershey’s trots on up to the bucket and takes a nice long drink.. And...

Big Joe

A guy runs into a bar. "I'll have a vodka tonic, but make it snappy!" he says to the bartender.

The barkeep hands him his drink. The guy throws a twenty down and says, "Keep the change. I gotta get out of here, Big Joe's coming!"

Hearing this, patrons all over the bar frantically get u...

A man's wife suffers from a drinking problem...

One night, a bored bartender looks down the bar to see a depressed-looking man against the wall, nursing his drink. His face is so downcast that his face practically droops into his glass.

The bartender walks up to him and asks if he would like a refill. The man looks up, and accepts. As the ...

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Three vampire bats had a blood drinking competition

The first bat flew away and came back with blood on its teeth saying "You see that man over there? I drank his blood"
Then the second bat flew away and came back with blood all around his mouth saying "You see that family over there? I drank blood from all of them"
Then it was the third bat's ...

A dolphin trespassed and took over my pool...

I guess I could drain it, but that would defeat the porpoise.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man calls to check in with his wife...

...and his 5 year old son answers the phone.

The father says, "He son, is your mom there?"

Son says, "Ya daddy, she is in her room with Uncle Bill."

The father knows that there is no "Uncle Bill". He is thinking to himself that damn bitch, I can't believe she is doing this. ...

doctor vs Journalist top insult

In a "Mental Hospital"
A journalist asked the Doctor:

Journalist: How do u determine whether to,
admit a patient or not?

Doctor: Well, We'd fill a Bathtub & give a teaspoon,
a glass & a bucket to the patient &
ask them to empty the Bathtub...

Journ...

What happened to r/showerthoughts?

They went down the drain.

Moses may have parted the Red Sea...

But tampons were able to drain it.

Peanuts

There was a priest in a church, listening to people's confessions. One day, a boy came up to him.

"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned," the boy said.

"Okay, what is your confession?" the priest asked.

"I threw peanuts down the drain"

The priest was very confused, neve...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A traveller goes into a bar in a small village

A traveller goes into a bar in a small village and orders a drink. He's sitting there a while and notices an old man in the corner who looks pretty down, so he decides to go and chat with him.

He walks up to the man and says "I hope i'm not intruding but i saw you looking sad and thought i wo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST

You have ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sean's been to the pub drinking stout all evening.

He's very drunk and it's late. 

The barkeep announces "Last Call!"  Sean protests and the barkeep tells him, "Sean, it's time ya drink up a get yeself home."

Sean hoist his drink and drains it and commences to get up from the bar stool.  
Thud! He lands arms and legs akimbo on the...

I am digging old jokes from my hdd: 1. Hospital

>hey guys, seeing this subreddit full of repost jokes make me want to dig old jokes i saved in my laptop. these are mostly in my native language, so forgive me with bad translation.

Hospital

A father asked the doctor in a mental hospital, "Doctor, how do doctors know someone is not ...

An Italian mom visits her son and his roomate in his apartment..

... During supper, his roommate gets up and go to the bathroom and during this time her mother asks: "So, are you in a relationship with her?"

"Ugh!" replies the son, "Mamma, I told you she is just a friend.."

"Mmh Mmh.." says the mom.

The supper ends and all is jolly. A few day...

I heard Dreamworks next picture will be about ale drinking in the Middle Ages...

It's called "How to Drain Your Flagon".

A man walks into a bar and sees a mason jar full of money on the counter

*"You sure get a lot of tips"* he says.
"That's not a tip jar" says the bartender "you see, we like to play a little game here. You put five bucks into the jar, you get three tasks, and if you complete them, the entire jar is yours. Wanna play?
*"Sure, why not?"*
"Alright, here we go....

God Will Save Me

A big storm approaches. The weatherman urges everyone to get out of town. The priest says, "I won't worry, God will save me".


The morning of the storm, the police go through the neighborhood with a sound truck telling everyone to evacuate. The priest says "I won't worry, God will save me...

Four engineers in a car...

Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously th...

The two mexicans, lost in the mexican desert..

Juan and Pablo had been wandering aimlessly around the mexican desert for three days now. Without food and water their hopes of finding civilisation were fading fast.. When through the mirage they sight a bacon tree!

The tree meant food, water and shelter so the two began running towards the ...

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My dad and I were in a hotel and he tried the coffe...

... and smiled and said "Ahh, it's like making love in a canoe". I asked "it's that good?" and he stopped smiling and looked me in the eyes and said "no, it's fucking close to water" before pouring it down the drain.

A boy tells his father that humans are cruel

"Hmm okay, but why?" asked the father.

"Well some people out there are hanging horses" said the son.

The father let out a confused chuckle, "What do you mean people are hanging horses?!"

The son tells him "well I overheard mum telling her friend that the plumber who came over to...

A man goes to see his doctor.

"Doc, I think I might be depressed. It started a few days ago, I woke up feeling great, flipped on the TV to relax before heading in to work. As I watched the news I just got more and more fatigued, I was almost completely limp by the time I left for work. When I hopped into the car, I turned on ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One goes East, one goes West...

It is a Friday night, and everyone is heading home for the weekend. An Army Sergeant leaves the base late, heading west for his home. Across town, at another base, an Air Force Sergeant also leaves late, heading east.

The snow starts blowing, and the sun sets. On the highway, both Sergeants ...

An American walks into an Irish pub...

He slams some money on the counter and loudly announces "These 100 Pounds go to the man who can drain ten pints of guinness without pausing!" He then orders the bartender to line up ten pints, and asks "Anyone who thinks he can do it?"
After a moment, Paddy gets up and says "I'll have a go at it,...

A good businessman

There was this successful businessman who not only had loads of cash, but he was a genuinely good person. He had a charity which was truly non-profit, he helped impoverished communities, he lived frugally and didn’t overtly display his wealth.

His one ‘vice’ was his Harley. He loved ridin...

a man was late for a business meeting

so he was already in a rush when he had a flat tire. he pulled over and began changing to his spare. Just as he as about to mount the spare, he accidentally knocked all his lugnuts into a storm drain. so he begins cursing his luck.

It just so happens he pulled over next to an insane asylum w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you have two cows,

Socialism: The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor

Communism: You give them to the government and the government gives you some milk

Fascism: You keep the cows and give the milk to the government, then the government sells you some milk

New Dealism: You shoot one ...

I just bought a bottle of Drano...

Well that was $4 down the drain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a pub..

And pauses. It's a really crappy place full of smoke and wood and the kind of men who look like they last moved during the second world war.

He walks up to the bar, and orders a pint. As he's drinking, he looks round and spots a huge jar behind the bar, with something long and pale and sausag...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Texan in Alaska

1960, Alaska is now a state. A Texan moves up to Alaska determined to be a citizen of the largest state in the union. He walks into the first bar in Juneau and shouts "All right, I'm going to be an Alaskan! You there, Barkeep, I'm going to be an Alaskan! What do I have to do to become an Alaskan!" <...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Worst, most disgusting NSFW joke EVER

One drunken night, I returned home from the bar with a new lady friend. It had been way too long since I had been laid, so my standards weren't too high by this point. As we start having sex, it feels ROUGH.

"We are just going to have to stop.. this hurts", I said.

"Ohh *that*. Want ...

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The bartender asks the first vampire what he wants to drink. He replies, through a thick Transylvanian accent, "Warm blood." The bartender pulls a live rat out from under the bar, cleaves its head off, and drains the blood into a glass.

He asks the second vampire what he wants to drink, and...

A Texan man walks into a pub in Ireland.

He clears his throat and announces to the people inside, "Right, I hear y'all's a bunch of heavy drinkers, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give a cheque for one hundred American dollars to anyone who can drink ten pints of your Guinness back to back".

No one speaks up. Gradually the co...

Since puzzle jokes are the theme of the week, here's how I first heard this one: a half-dozen blondes walk into a bar and order a pitcher of beer.

The bartender brings out a pitcher.&nbsp; The blondes pour themselves a round, raise their glasses, shout "TWENTY-SIX DAYS!", clink their glasses together and drain them.

They order another pitcher.&nbsp; The bartender brings it out.&nbsp; The blondes pour again, raise their glas...

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The Cask of Amor-illado.

A man and woman are involved in a severe car accident. Although the cars are totaled, they both crawl out of the wreckage, each without a scratch. The man immediately starts swearing. “Women are the worst drivers on earth! They shouldn’t be given driver’s licenses!”

The woman sighs and point...

Optimist Joe

An optimist by every account, Joe was sitting in the bar when his friends come to him and say, "Joe, how can you call yourself an optimist when bad things are always happening ?" To which Joe replied, "there's always a good side to every situation, you just have to know it."

So, they tell Joe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man is at a fancy restaurant, and he needs to use the bathroom...

...so he pulls the waiter aside and asks to use the bathroom.

"I am sorry, sir," the waiter replied, "but the Men's bathroom is currently unavailable due to plumbing issues. We're working to fix these now."

The man's face turned to one of desperation. "What about the ladies' restroom?"...

Why are dyslexic zombies such good plumbers?

Because they're always looking for drains.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy named Dave is at a swanky bar...

So this guy named Dave is at a swanky bar. It's at the top of a 60 floor building. Dave's drinking alone at the bar when the elevator opens. This guy gets off the elevator, orders 6 beers, slams them, walks over to the ledge, and jumps off. Dave sits stock still in shock until he hears the elevator ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ballsy

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "and get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed...

One day a man got a flat tire...

... right in front of an insane asylum. "Dagnabbit!" he cursed as he pulled a jack and a tire iron from his trunk. Just then he noticed a man in a white hospital gown staring at him from up on a hill behind the wrought iron bars.

The driver set about his task. He popped the hubcap off, loose...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The nun's hospital tour

A nun who works in a hospice is being shown around a nearby hospital as part of a tour. The doctor is bringing her through a ward of patients when she suddenly sees a man furiously jerking off in his bed. The doctor steers her away from this scene and says "I'm sorry you had to see that sister, but ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Vegetative State

The other night, my wife and I were watching TV when the newscaster announced the death of Dr. Jack Kervorkian.

So we started to talk about suicide, assisted suicide, and the right to death. The discussion led to being hooked up to a machine that was keeping you alive.

I told her, "Hon...