I saw someone spill their Scrabble letters all over the road the other day

I asked him, “Hey man, what’s the word on the street?”

Before ordering takeout, the Indian guy made himself some piping hot tea, but spilled it on himself.

He got chai knees.

What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?

Just turn off sticky keys

I spilled some coffee on my keyboard,

Now i have no escape.

What happened when the Indian student spilled some lunch on their homework?

It became saag-y

My wife screamed at me for spilling the gravy.

That’s when I realized it was all over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop.

The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.

A truck full of hair restorer tonic overturned and spilled on the freeway today

Police are combing the area

My waiter just spilled coffee all over me.

I know it was just an accident, but I'm still bitter.

What do you get when you spill chlorine

Fluorine

Bad news: I spilled coffee on my keyboard

Good news: It’s all under control

I just spilled my cup...

...and all I got was this tea shirt.

I was drinking beer at the computer and spilled a whole can on my keyboard..

RIP.
We had some good times..

Good thing I had another one in the fridge.

A truck overturned this morning spilling cabbage all over the highway.

It was horrific! I slaw it happen!

I spilled a condiment all over my legs today.

Now I got mayo knees.

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I had such a horrible day at work. Some dick head spilled milk on me. Rude right?

How dairy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother told me a joke about spilled sewerage

It was a shit joke.

I first met my now-wife during an internship in a superglue factory, we were involved in a spill accident.

It was a real bonding experience.

A truck carrying fruits accidentally spilled them all over the expressway

It caused a traffic jam

- I just spilled sodium hydride on my hand.

-Does it hurt?

-NaH

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Experience and wisdom can't be beaten

Due to his owner's negligence, an old dog became lost in the deepest jungles of Africa.

Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. ...

My second joke: The 10 year old cannibal spilled his soup,

So his mother gave him and earful.

To me, "drink responsibly"...

means don't spill it.

What does a Spanish person call spilled noodles?

A derramen.

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Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now


Credit u/kelly240361

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

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Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave?

Plot twist!

"Sorry about all that ice I spilled in your kitchen earlier", my friend said.

I told him, "Don't worry about it, it's all water under the fridge now".

Today i asked myself the question:

Do I identify myself as a man or a woman. But then I knew after I spilled my coffee, I am just a disappointment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at a bar and I went up to the bartender and bet him $100 I could piss into the cup without spilling a drop on the table.

So he agreed and I ended up pissing all over the bar table. He called me a sucker and he asked me, "how could you even think you'd win the bet? You stupid?"
Then I told him, "I bet my friend a $1000 that I could piss all over your bar table."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So, Doctor van Helsing, we meet at last," said the Count.

van Helsing turned slowly. The castle library was lit in patches by the bright moonlight spilling through the windows, and otherwise only in a circle of yellow gold by the Dutchman's candle. He had never even heard the door open or a hint of a footfall; and yet there Count Dracula was, less than twe...

I spilled a beer on my laptop and now it won't work

Must be the Corona Virus

What did the rust monster say after spilling someone's drink?

"I'm so sorry, it was an oxidant"

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?

Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?

”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean

“’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget whe...

I had to call the police on my chemist teacher who spilled sodium chloride on me.

That's a salt.

I spilled all my vodka today

It was an Absolut loss

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A girlfriend and boyfriend whale spot a whaling vessel.

The male whale recognised the vessel as the vessel that killed his father, he mentions this to his girlfriend. He says to his girlfriend will you help me take revenge on the whaling vessel. She is more than happy to help out her boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plan is to swim up under the vessel a...

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

Guy goes to the doctor

Guy: "Doctor, I can't stop my hands shaking"

Doctor:"do you drink a lot?"

Guy: "Not really, I spill most of it"

Newsflash! Tanker truck carrying brine has crashed and spilled its contents all over the highway.

Motorists are reported to be in a pickle.

Chad and Karen are driving home from Thanksgiving.

After a grueling time with the relatives, tensions are high when Karen suddenly points to a Starbucks and says she wants to stop for a latte.

Chad really wants to get home but pulls over anyway. Thirty slow minutes later she finally returns with her coffee.

Once back on the road, the...

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: “The reason for your lifestyle is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for a ...

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

What do you call an Asian who spills his latte on his pants?

Chai knees

I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…

…but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!

Have your ever spilled your breakfast on your pants?

It's pure egg-on-knee

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

When is the best time to clean up an oil spill?

At the crack of Dawn(tm)

A spill

While doing a lab experiment I was listening to music by a band who's bassist was a known drug abuser. During his solo, I slipped on some spilled vinegar & lost my grip on a beaker full of sodium hydroxide.
Looks like while he was tripping on acid dropping the bass, I was tripping on acid dro...

Aging Realities

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The...

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport....

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful fligh...

What's worse, Alzheimer's or Parkinson's?

Does it really matter whether you spill your drink or you forgot where you put it?

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

Help! I spilled polish remover on a globe

Now there’s a hole in Europe

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If the Great War was a bar fight

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

I spilled my drink on the first guitar I ever had.

I was about to throw it out, but there's a lot of water under the bridge.

Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water".

Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks up to a bartender with $10,000 in cash.

He says, "Hey bartender, I've got a bet for you. I bet you this ten grand that you can put this shot glass at the other end of the bar, and I can piss in it from over here without spilling a single drop."

The bartender ponders and ponders, and finally decides this is iron clad. No way he can ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and slaps $1000 on the bar top.

The guy says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that I can piss from one side of this bar top into a shot glass on the other side without spilling a single drop."

The bartender says, "I don't think that's possible, I'll take that bet."

The bartender sets up a shot glass at the end of t...

A reporter in the old west.

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.

My hands were tide.

An Old Lady Walks Down the Street with 20 Dollar Bills Spilling from Her Bags...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Accidently spilled vanishing cream on my gerbil Lenny, and thus immediately took him to our vet

Bastard said he couldn't see him right now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

One time I tripped and spilled my drink on someone in the middle of a joke they were telling.

I never heard the end of it.

What color does your skin turn if you spill molten gold on it?

Au-burn

An 18-wheeler spilled a load of strawberry preserves on the interstate today

It was a real traffic jam

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a man spills Merlot on a woman's breasts?

A Harvey Wine Stain.

What do you call Hannah Montana when she spills herbal tea on herself?

Chamomiley Cyrus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

Everyone jumps out of there chairs and spills there drinks in shock.The man proceeds to take a seat when the bartender walks up to him and says "Sir,you aren't allowed to bring a dangerous animal in here".

The man says to the bartender "Oh don't worry about him,he isn't dangerous,here let me ...

3 men venture into the forest and come upon a cannibal tribe.

The cannibals capture the three men and bring him to their leader.

King cannibal: I will allow you to leave without being eaten if you can complete my challenge. Find 10 fruits in the forest, and bring them back. Then you will hear it.

The men leave, get their fruits. The first back b...

you can’t cry over spilled milk

but spilled wine is a whole different story...

A woman was at the gas station.

A woman was at the gas station putting gas in her car, while doing that, she spills gas on her arm, she gets back in her car and drives away, she lit a cigarette and her arm catches fire, a cop pulls her over and charges her with illegal firearm, she sped of, a bird hit her windshield then hits th...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

What do you call a victim of an urban oil spill?

A city slicker

I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.

Turns out spot remover is mostly sulfuric acid

So Mark Zuckerberg and The Pope walk into a bar...

They sit down when suddenly Mark spills his drink on The Popes' robes. They get into a fight. A film crew recorded them duking it out and made a film out of it...

Alien vs Predator

I spilled coffee all over my Macbook...

...now it won't go to sleep.

Snow White once spilled Sprite on herself

So she started changing in front of the dwarves, then they had 7 up

I spilled all of my peroxynitrite in the middle of an experiment

I was like : " ONOO^- "

I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette.

The police arrested her for waving a firearm.

Today morning, I spilled tea on my shirt

It became a T-shirt

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

I accidentally spilled my coffee on an Indian friend's dress

I told her I'm sari.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man grabs a seat at the bar...

An old man grabs a seat at the bar and order a double scotch, which the barman promptly serves him. After drinking all his glass in one shot, he asks for another one, which the barman serves him.

The old man then say "How about a little friendly bet my friend?". The barman repond "why not" a...

Earlier today, my friend was in the kitchen and spilled hot queso all over her feet.

Guess she had Tostitos.

Know-it-alls think themselves a fountain of knowledge. In truth they are an oil spill of knowledge...

Unwelcome and hard to get rid of.

What did the pope say when he spilled the sacramental wine?

Do we have any papal towels?

BREAKING: An 18 wheeler full of wigs and toupees crashes and spills over the I-95 interstate at 1:30pm today.

Police are still combing the area.

I spilled my drink....

in one fluid motion.

Onboard the Titanic...

While cruising aboard the Titanic, an engineer boasts to his dinner companions, "This ship is so seaworthy that even God can't sink her!"

Overhearing what the engineer said, God started laughing so hard that he spilled his glass of water and ice cubes went flying everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you 10,000 dollars you can slide an empty pint down the table and I can piss it full to the top without spilling a drop before it stops…”

The bartender accepts the challenge and when tested the man fails miserably. He urinates all over the bar. The bartender jumps up and down and cheers as the man hands him ten thousand dollars in cash. Then the bartender notices a man crying in the corner and says “What’s his problem”
The first...

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The Farmer's Daughter

On a cold rainy evening, a salesman's car ran out of gas. Not wanting to spend the night in the car, the man sought help. Within 5 minutes the salesman spotted a barn yard light and proceeded to it. He knocked on the house door and an older farmer greeted him there.

The salesman explained he ...

My son came up with this one...

I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.

Why did I spill root beer on a DNS server?

Just because ICANN.

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