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My brother told me a joke about spilled sewerage

It was a shit joke.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “what’s the word on the street?”

- I just spilled sodium hydride on my hand.

-Does it hurt?

-NaH

My waiter just spilled coffee all over me.

I know it was just an accident, but I'm still bitter.

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.

The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

A truck carrying fruits accidentally spilled them all over the expressway

It caused a traffic jam

I first met my now-wife during an internship in a superglue factory, we were involved in a spill accident.

It was a real bonding experience.

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Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave?

Plot twist!

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Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now


Credit u/kelly240361

A man spills a glass of water, and the water trickles and forms a line on the floor. He then spills a glass of milk, and it also makes a line. But to his shock, when he spills a glass of punch...

...there is no punchline

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I was at a bar and I went up to the bartender and bet him $100 I could piss into the cup without spilling a drop on the table.

So he agreed and I ended up pissing all over the bar table. He called me a sucker and he asked me, "how could you even think you'd win the bet? You stupid?"
Then I told him, "I bet my friend a $1000 that I could piss all over your bar table."

I spilled a beer on my laptop and now it won't work

Must be the Corona Virus

I was seasoning my steak when one of my spice container lids popped open and spilled all over.

It was quite the waste of thyme

What did the rust monster say after spilling someone's drink?

"I'm so sorry, it was an oxidant"

I had to call the police on my chemist teacher who spilled sodium chloride on me.

That's a salt.

"Sorry about all that ice I spilled in your kitchen earlier", my friend said.

I told him, "Don't worry about it, it's all water under the fridge now".

So Mark Zuckerberg and The Pope walk into a bar...

They sit down when suddenly Mark spills his drink on The Popes' robes. They get into a fight. A film crew recorded them duking it out and made a film out of it...

Alien vs Predator

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NSFW A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

Everyone jumps out of there chairs and spills there drinks in shock.The man proceeds to take a seat when the bartender walks up to him and says "Sir,you aren't allowed to bring a dangerous animal in here".

The man says to the bartender "Oh don't worry about him,he isn't dangerous,here let me ...

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

Newsflash! Tanker truck carrying brine has crashed and spilled its contents all over the highway.

Motorists are reported to be in a pickle.

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

I spilled all my vodka today

It was an Absolut loss

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

Have your ever spilled your breakfast on your pants?

It's pure egg-on-knee

I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…

…but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!

I was at a restaurant, and spilled soup on my jeans.

I called for there server: "Waitress, there's soup in my fly"

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

7 thousand gallons of gin have spilled on the highway.

Now every lane is the sloe lane.

When is the best time to clean up an oil spill?

At the crack of Dawn(tm)

I just spilled water in a $100 bottle of medication

That's a hard pill to swallow...

A husband and wife are eating at a restaurant

The wife spills a bit of wine on her white top, and exclaims, "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The husband turns away from the TVs, nods, and says, "And you spilled some wine!"

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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

What do you call an Asian who spills his latte on his pants?

Chai knees

Help! I spilled polish remover on a globe

Now there’s a hole in Europe

I spilled my drink on the first guitar I ever had.

I was about to throw it out, but there's a lot of water under the bridge.

A Woman goes into a laundromat

The woman says: “I spilled salad on it.” The Worker, not hearing them, said: “Come again?”
The woman says: “No, not this time, it was salad.”

A spill

While doing a lab experiment I was listening to music by a band who's bassist was a known drug abuser. During his solo, I slipped on some spilled vinegar & lost my grip on a beaker full of sodium hydroxide.
Looks like while he was tripping on acid dropping the bass, I was tripping on acid dro...

My friend pulled a girl on a night out and ended up going back to her house where they made amazing love all night long.

In the morning, she excused herself early as she had to go to work and she left her number for my friend to call her later.

After a lie in he got up, showered and dressed, but before he left her house he couldn’t help but have a quick snoop in her bedroom drawers.

In one drawer he foun...

A little boy was jumping on his bed.

A few minutes later, his mom came in and said, "Alex! Stop doing that! You'll break the bed!"

Alex says, "But I heard you two jumping on your bed earlier, and you both were making weird sounds. Are you okay, Mommy?"

Mom said, ".....Uh..... Just stay in your room. And stop jumping on th...

My son came up with this one...

I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

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Master, why does my ability not improve?

Kung Fu student asks his teacher: "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."
...

I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.

My hands were tide.

What is worse: Parkinson's or Alzheimer’s?

Parkinson's! With Alzheimer’s you just forget to drink the beer, with Parkinson's you spill it.

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Accidently spilled vanishing cream on my gerbil Lenny, and thus immediately took him to our vet

Bastard said he couldn't see him right now.

Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water".

Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".

An 18-wheeler spilled a load of strawberry preserves on the interstate today

It was a real traffic jam

What color does your skin turn if you spill molten gold on it?

Au-burn

An Old Lady Walks Down the Street with 20 Dollar Bills Spilling from Her Bags...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
<...

One time I tripped and spilled my drink on someone in the middle of a joke they were telling.

I never heard the end of it.

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Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

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Escargot

As a man is leaving his house for work his wife shouts out "Don't forget to buy a bag of snails on your way home, my parents are coming for dinner remember".

The man agrees and rushes off to work, where he has a terrible, stressful day. Sure enough when he gets home he's forgotten the bag of ...

you can’t cry over spilled milk

but spilled wine is a whole different story...

Guy in a restaurant spills some soup in his lap...

He says, "Waiter! There's some soup on my fly!"

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What do you call it when a man spills Merlot on a woman's breasts?

A Harvey Wine Stain.

I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.

Turns out spot remover is mostly sulfuric acid

What do you call a victim of an urban oil spill?

A city slicker

I accidentally spilled my coffee on an Indian friend's dress

I told her I'm sari.

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

A guy walks into a coffee shop

He goes the counter and asks, “So what’s the special?”

The barista shakes her head, “I can’t tell you, it’s a secret.”

The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret? What’s the special today? Is it a latte?”

The barista shakes her head.

“A mocha?”

She shakes her...

I spilled all of my peroxynitrite in the middle of an experiment

I was like : " ONOO^- "

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Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agen...

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Two guys walk into a bar

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table.
The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of your finest beer that I can lick my eye."

The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could...

Earlier today, my friend was in the kitchen and spilled hot queso all over her feet.

Guess she had Tostitos.

Snow White once spilled Sprite on herself

So she started changing in front of the dwarves, then they had 7 up

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

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So I had a job interview the other day...

I sat down in front of the interviewer, and immediately grabbed the pitcher of water. Slightly shaking, I poured the water to the brim of the glass...but then overfilled it, spilling a good portion of the liquid across the surface of the desk.

Smiling, the interviewer said: "Nervous?"

...

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The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher re...

I spilled my drink....

in one fluid motion.

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A gambler walks into a bar...

He sits down, orders a beer and starts a conversation with the bartender. The bartender asks what brings him to town. The gambler says “I make my living going around gambling on things.” “Like on sports?” Asks the bartender. The gambler replies “No, I bet on anything and I never lose any money... ...

A man walks into a bar

He proceeds to sit down when the bartender approaches him and asks his drink.

“Whiskey” he says.

After the bartender pours it, a leprechaun that’s been sitting on the mans shoulder runs down and kicks the glass, thus spilling it everywhere.

“Another one please” the guy says. ...

I spilled coffee all over my Macbook...

...now it won't go to sleep.

BREAKING: An 18 wheeler full of wigs and toupees crashes and spills over the I-95 interstate at 1:30pm today.

Police are still combing the area.

Today morning, I spilled tea on my shirt

It became a T-shirt

What did the pope say when he spilled the sacramental wine?

Do we have any papal towels?

Know-it-alls think themselves a fountain of knowledge. In truth they are an oil spill of knowledge...

Unwelcome and hard to get rid of.

I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette.

The police arrested her for waving a firearm.

Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and

“OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed..... complete silence...

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front ...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you 10,000 dollars you can slide an empty pint down the table and I can piss it full to the top without spilling a drop before it stops…”

The bartender accepts the challenge and when tested the man fails miserably. He urinates all over the bar. The bartender jumps up and down and cheers as the man hands him ten thousand dollars in cash. Then the bartender notices a man crying in the corner and says “What’s his problem”
The first...

Just letting you guys know you shouldn’t drink and drive

You might spill your drink

When your going up a ladder and you feel something splatter...

Diarrhea diarrhea

When you running up a hill and you feel something spill...

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

I accidentally spilled my bottle of rum on the floor.

I was let down because I thought I'd be the one getting wasted.

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Drunk guy walks into a bar

Sits down at the bar sloppily and ask for a drink. Bartender serves him a beer reluctantly, but the guy spills it on himself, is slurring his words, and bothering the person next to him. Finally, the bartender tells the guy he’s had enough, he’s shut off, and needs to leave.

Guy leaves the b...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

Why did I spill root beer on a DNS server?

Just because ICANN.

I guess aliens don't exist, I'm pretty sure Trump would've spilled the beans, unless he's keeping them secret until next election...

... so he can run on the campaign of "building a roof to keep America safe from aliens."

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I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog.

It scared the shit out of him and now I need some for my carpet :(

Why when you spill red wine on a carpet do you take the stain out with white wine?

Because more alcohol is the solution to all problems.

My roommate seemed like he was in denial when I told him I spilled all his protein powder...

...he just kept saying "no whey, no whey"

A lorry carrying 25 tons of Vicks Vapour Rub has overturned on the M6, near Birmingham, spilling it's load onto the carriage way.

The Police have said, there will be no congestion for at least 12hrs.

My wife called me an alcoholic, and I was so taken aback I spilled my drink...

But I was able to wring out the placemat back into the glass, so everything's ok!

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