UPJOKE
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I spilled the bag of coffee at work.

My boss said it was Grounds for dismissal.

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road

I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

A truck carrying thousands of copies of “Merriam-Webster’s Thesaurus” overturned on I-91 shortly after leaving its distribution facility in Springfield, MA, spilling its cargo all over the highway.

Witnesses were aghast, astonished, bewildered, confounded, confused, dazed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, numbed, paralyzed, rattled, shocked, startled, stunned, stupefied, and surprised.

Two brothers from Ethiopia

Two brothers from Ethiopia opened up this place selling camel’s milk. They brought their own camels, all the way from Ethiopia. I was interested, so I paid them a visit.

They happened to be milking the camels when I came in. It wasn’t what I expected. Nagasi wiped his brow and cried out, “Sa...

I went to a restaurant and a waiter spilled chowder down my trousers, so I said...

Waiter, waiter...there's soup in my fly!

Vader's son spill some hot coffee on himself

He isn't burnt, just lukewarm

I was thinking about adopting a rare turtle today…

Ever since the oil spills in the Gulf of Mexico the turtles have been different. Apparently some of the dish soap used to clean the animals leaked into the ocean and the turtles drank it. It doesn’t harm the turtles, but they have the weird ability to pee out the dish soap.

Anyway the turtle...

I accidentally spilled a coconut milk based curry on my patella, but just a small amount.

It was only a Thai knee issue.

My mom runs her own garage

She's an amazing mother but she makes the lamest jokes, which are a source of constant annoyance for me. After an exceptionally bad day (I woke up late, spilled coffee on my white shirt, my SUV was malfunctioning so I reached office late, the printer was jammed so I had to take printouts of the repo...

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

Why Trojans are a terrible brand name

Trojans are a terrible name for a brand of condoms. Here's why: when you think of Trojans you think of the Trojan Horse. What's the Trojan Horse do? It sneaks past your defenses, then in the middle of the night it breaks open and a whole bunch of little dudes come spilling out of it. That's exactly ...

Why did the mathematician spill all of his food in the oven rather than a cooking tray?

The directions said, “Put it in the oven at 180°”.

I thought I spilled coffee all over my keyboard.

My keyboard still works fine except one key. The spill was under control.

Crab and flea

A crab and a flea are talking one day, when the flea has a brilliant idea.

“Let’s split for one week, catch a ride on whatever we please, then we’ll meet back up and share experiences.”

Thinking it sounds like a great plan, the crab agrees, and they set about their ways.

One w...

My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop.

The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.

I first met my now-wife during an internship in a superglue factory, we were involved in a spill accident.

It was a real bonding experience.

My waiter just spilled coffee all over me.

I know it was just an accident, but I'm still bitter.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

Snails for Dinner

This guy and his wife lived somewhere where it was fairly common to go out and gather snails and cook them as a delicacy.

So they were having a dinner party, and the wife asks the husband to go get some snails to serve as appetizers. He takes a bucket and goes out and sets about his task. ...

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Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling migh...

Why was the man with hummus spilled on his shirt called kinky?

Because he had some chick-pea all over him.

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One old lady's poodle got lost during a photo safari...

..after chasing some butterflies and enjoying a frolic in the bushes.


Not before long, he discovers realises he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately sett...

John, Jerry and Mike on an island

John, Jerry and Mike have been stranded for months on a beautiful island. One day a bottle with a note in it spills out.

They open it and it reads: "I am a wish granting bottle. Each of you gets one wish."

John immediately said: "I wish I was on my farm right now." Poof, and John is ...

A church got a new pastor, who the music minister immediately disliked. Eventually, their conflict spilled out into the Sunday services.

The first week, the pastor preached about commitment and how we should dedicate our lives to serving one another. The music minister led the song "I Shall Not Be Moved."

The second week, the pastor preached about tithing and how important it was for the congregation to contributed to the chu...

"Sorry about all that ice I spilled in your kitchen earlier", my friend said.

I told him, "Don't worry about it, it's all water under the fridge now".

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I had such a horrible day at work. Some dick head spilled milk on me. Rude right?

How dairy.

I just spilled my cup...

...and all I got was this tea shirt.

A truck full of hair restorer tonic overturned and spilled on the freeway today

Police are combing the area

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A guy walks up and takes a seat at the bar.

He says to the bar tender "I got a bet for you"..."You see that glass way over there?"
The guy points all the way to the other end of the bar.

Well i bet you i can piss from here all the way over there into that glass without spilling a single drop. Bartender just says "that's bullshit!!...

My brother spilled apple juice on my laptop

It was a cider attack

A truck overturned this morning spilling cabbage all over the highway.

It was horrific! I slaw it happen!

My wife screamed at me for spilling the gravy.

That’s when I realized it was all over.

I spilled a condiment all over my legs today.

Now I got mayo knees.

Why don't people gossip during breakfast?

They don't want to spill the beans.

A Topologist comes into work covered in coffee.

His colleague says "Oh no! Did you spill your donut?"

Did you kill many of the enemy?

This was back in the 1970s. A middle-aged man got upset with his neighbor and spilled a flowerpot full of water out his window onto her. She got very upset and pressed charges against him. So the man had to go and get a lawyer to represent him, and the lawyer asked the judge for leniency, arguing...

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Day 12 of quarantine: I traversed the microwave and accidentally spilled ice all over the kitchen floor. Girlfriend was pissed

but it’s all water under the fridge now


Credit u/kelly240361

Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water".

Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".

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A party of adventurers walks into an inn.

They start ordering rounds of ales one after another, and quickly end up very drunk.

Soon the fighter gets a bit rowdy, spills a guy's drink, and the two get into a drunken brawl. The landlord comes over and separates them, then throws the fighter out of the inn.

Not long after that, t...

A spill

While doing a lab experiment I was listening to music by a band who's bassist was a known drug abuser. During his solo, I slipped on some spilled vinegar & lost my grip on a beaker full of sodium hydroxide.
Looks like while he was tripping on acid dropping the bass, I was tripping on acid dro...

I was drinking beer at the computer and spilled a whole can on my keyboard..

RIP.
We had some good times..

Good thing I had another one in the fridge.

I spilled all my vodka today

It was an Absolut loss

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Did you hear about the truckload of cocktail straws and lemon rinds that crashed in a cemetery and spilled into an open grave?

Plot twist!

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Two old timers were at the old folks home

Sean turned to Paddy and asked him: if you had to choose between having Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s, which one would you chose?

Aww for Fuck’s sake, said Paddy. I’d rather spill half a glass of whiskey, than forgetting where I put the fucken bottle.

A truck carrying fruits accidentally spilled them all over the expressway

It caused a traffic jam

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

My second joke: The 10 year old cannibal spilled his soup,

So his mother gave him and earful.

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.


COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.


FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

An Old Lady Walks Down the Street with 20 Dollar Bills Spilling from Her Bags...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
<...

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I was at a bar and I went up to the bartender and bet him $100 I could piss into the cup without spilling a drop on the table.

So he agreed and I ended up pissing all over the bar table. He called me a sucker and he asked me, "how could you even think you'd win the bet? You stupid?"
Then I told him, "I bet my friend a $1000 that I could piss all over your bar table."

I was seasoning my steak when one of my spice container lids popped open and spilled all over.

It was quite the waste of thyme

When is the best time to clean up an oil spill?

At the crack of Dawn(tm)

Someone brings their new friend over to their house for the first time.

The friend is walking through the living room when they stop at the fireplace and pick up an odd-looking jar that caught their eye. "What's this?" they ask.

The host replies, "Oh, that's my Father's ashes."

Startled, the friend turns and accidentally drops the container onto the floor ...

What did the rust monster say after spilling someone's drink?

"I'm so sorry, it was an oxidant"

What do you call an Asian who spills his latte on his pants?

Chai knees

A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his paperwork.

The poor man dyed a loan.

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A man was on a golf course near Doonbeg Ireland and was about to dip his hand in a lake to take a drink of water when the groundskeeper yelled ...

“Oy! - Dinna peut ya haand en a loch! It’s feeeled wi coo piss n coo shite!”

“Hey” - said the man. "I just bought this golf course and we’re going to have the best groundskeepers. The best. I've been talking about it for a long time, along with many other subjects, frankly. What you just said...

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

I spilled a beer on my laptop and now it won't work

Must be the Corona Virus

I had to call the police on my chemist teacher who spilled sodium chloride on me.

That's a salt.

Know-it-alls think themselves a fountain of knowledge. In truth they are an oil spill of knowledge...

Unwelcome and hard to get rid of.

Newsflash! Tanker truck carrying brine has crashed and spilled its contents all over the highway.

Motorists are reported to be in a pickle.

I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…

…but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant!

Have your ever spilled your breakfast on your pants?

It's pure egg-on-knee

One time I tripped and spilled my drink on someone in the middle of a joke they were telling.

I never heard the end of it.

I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette.

The police arrested her for waving a firearm.

I spilled coffee all over my Macbook...

...now it won't go to sleep.

What color does your skin turn if you spill molten gold on it?

Au-burn

Went out for sushi last night

And a guy spilled a whole bottle of soy sauce on himself. Everyone laughed except me. Don‘t Kikkoman when he’s down

An old lady had to do a urine test.

However, she wasn’t feeling like going to the lab to hand in the vial with the urine. So she asked her grandson if he could do it for her.
However, her grandson accidentally dropped the vial and spilled his grandmother’s pee all over the ground. Luckily, he was with a friend at the time, who advi...

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Accidently spilled vanishing cream on my gerbil Lenny, and thus immediately took him to our vet

Bastard said he couldn't see him right now.

7 thousand gallons of gin have spilled on the highway.

Now every lane is the sloe lane.

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you 10,000 dollars you can slide an empty pint down the table and I can piss it full to the top without spilling a drop before it stops…”

The bartender accepts the challenge and when tested the man fails miserably. He urinates all over the bar. The bartender jumps up and down and cheers as the man hands him ten thousand dollars in cash. Then the bartender notices a man crying in the corner and says “What’s his problem”
The first...

A truck load of Tylenol spills onto a baker’s assistant in a terrible crash

The headline read: ‘Pills bury dough boy.’

Rules are Rules

A farmer’s boy woke up and went to the kitchen to get breakfast. The mother told him that he would get it after his chores were done. He stomps out angrily and heads out to clean the chicken. While going about it, a chicken pecks him and he kicks it. He goes to the pigsty and when one pig knocks him...

Why did I spill root beer on a DNS server?

Just because ICANN.

What do you call a victim of an urban oil spill?

A city slicker

I spilled my drink on the first guitar I ever had.

I was about to throw it out, but there's a lot of water under the bridge.

What is worst - Alzheimers or Parkinsons?

Alzheimers. Because its better to spill your beer than forget where you put it.

Snow White once spilled Sprite on herself

So she started changing in front of the dwarves, then they had 7 up

An 18-wheeler spilled a load of strawberry preserves on the interstate today

It was a real traffic jam

I spilled laundry detergent all over myself and the basket of clothes I was carrying. There was nothing I could do.

My hands were tide.

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

Today morning, I spilled tea on my shirt

It became a T-shirt

What did the pope say when he spilled the sacramental wine?

Do we have any papal towels?

The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but

yesterday, this conversation happened.

Boss: Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop.
How do you manage that over these stairs?

Abdul: Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put...

My wife called me an alcoholic, and I was so taken aback I spilled my drink...

But I was able to wring out the placemat back into the glass, so everything's ok!

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What do you call it when a man spills Merlot on a woman's breasts?

A Harvey Wine Stain.

Whats the first thing you do when you spill something on your keyboard?

Try to disable sticky keys.

I spilled all of my peroxynitrite in the middle of an experiment

I was like : " ONOO^- "

Earlier today, my friend was in the kitchen and spilled hot queso all over her feet.

Guess she had Tostitos.

“omg it’s cake day, quick, repost a cake joke!”

“Nah, i’m batter than that”

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

Did you hear about the chef who spilled his herbs on the floor?

Cleaning it up was a massive waste of thyme.

I spilled spot remover on my Dog....

Now he's gone.

I accidentally spilled my bottle of rum on the floor.

I was let down because I thought I'd be the one getting wasted.

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