A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

This joke was originally told to me in Chinese - let’s see if it flows just as well in English

An emperor with finds out that there is a spy inside his grand army. He decides to interrogate every single person in the army.

A young trooper in the army does not speak the emperor’s native language, and is worried that he would be suspected as the spy. His friends in the army, however, dec...

What state does the Mississippi River flow in?

Liquid

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his kne...

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

What do you call all the little rivers that flow into the Nile?

Juveniles.

As I stared at the hot water flowing towards my shower drain I realized something.

It's all downhill from here.

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around

There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fl...

If 2020 was a math problem.

You are flying over the desert at 180 KPH, You are flying Due north with the wind coming from the west at 40 KPH. The current is flowing at 30 knots due east. How many 20 lb watermelons will fill a football field during the full moon?

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

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A guy walks into the doctor’s office

A guy walks into a doctors office and tells the doctor:

“Doccctorrr, I cccaannn hharddlllyyy finiiiishh a senttttenccee.”

The doctor says:

“Alright let’s do a head to toe inspection”

The doctor quickly notices this guy has an enormous penis. Like the biggest the doctor ha...

Of Mayhem from Allstate Insurance and Flow from Progressive Insurance had a baby...

They would name it Aggressive Prostate Insurance.

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English Literature Class

Professor starts the literature class. "Today's lesson is metaphors. A metaphor conceptualizes and exaggerate a big thing into a small creative image. As an example you can say 'The snow is a white blanket' instead of saying that snow is white. Can anyone say a similar metaphor ? "

"Tom Crui...

A Man goes to a bar with his friend at his friend favourite bar after they are few drinks down someone yells 26

Everyone starts laughing including his friend and this guy is confused he asks his friend what's happening before his friend can answer someone else shouts 94 everyone including his friend is in splits now the guy starts getting really confused. After few moments of silence someone says 153 eve...

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A guy walks into a doctors office

and sits down on the table. The doctor asks him “what’s going on?” The guy says “d-d-doctor, I d-d-don’t know w-w-whats g-g-going on. I c-c-can’t st-st-stop st-st-stuttering!” So the doctor calms him down and says “we’ll need to do a throughout physical examination to see what’s the root cause of th...

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A young Arab boy asks his father.

Boy: "What is that strange hat you are wearing?"

Father: "It protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."

Boy: "And what is that long flowing robe you are wearing?"

Father: "This is a 'djellaba.' it protects the entire body from the heat and blowing sand.

Boy: Bu...

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The Story of Suzy Sandpaper (Long)

A young Marine was deployed on a Navy ship. It put into port in Bangkok for a weekend, but he was told he had security duty, and couldn't go into town with his fellow Marines. All weekend he stood sentry at the ship, hearing from his comrades about the gorgeous girls working the local brothels, an...

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A man books an appointment for an abnormally large penis

He books the appointment with doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man mus...

There was once a horse with the most illustrious and flowing mane on the planet

Maybe she was barn with it, or maybe it's neighbelline.

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.


The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before ge...

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

There's too much water flowing in from the river...

Dam it.

Scientists discovered that death is actually caused by moss buildup in veins, which stops the flow of blood.

This is why Keith Richards is still alive.

Amusingly, the flow of excrement in the sewer system is well-regulated.

And thanks to modern architectural decor, it’s all in all a pretty solid waste system.

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comm...

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Three old men are sitting around in a convalescent home,

And the first man pipes up:

“I wish I could have just one good easy piss. I’ve had enough with this dribbling, and trying to get it out, always waiting and waiting and waiting.”

The second man chimes in:

“I wish I could have one just one easy poop. It either comes out runny and ...

What did the fish say when the river stopped flowing

Gosh dam it

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

How would one describe an especially pleasing surface magma flow?

Lavaly

Bruce Lee: “flow like water, you understand”

Me: “water you saying?”

Spermatozoons are flowing.

One shouts: "I am the STRONGEST, I will be the first". The second one shouts "I am the most HANDSOME, I will be the first". Suddenly the third spermatazoon screams "Guys, we are in an ass!!!" All spermatazoons are in panic, with screams and tears they turn and flow backward. Except the third spermat...

Jesus and Moses

Jesus and Moses were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.”
So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long...

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Mom, how did we get our names?

Girl: mom, how did me and my siblings get our names.

Mom: well when I had your sister I was looking over the water and noticed some water lilies, so her name is Floating Lily.

When your brother was born I looked out and noticed that the river was just flowing so peacefully, so I named...

Which word describes someone that refuses to believe that rivers can flow from south to north?

de-Nile

My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds.

I see he's up-to-date with current events.

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

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A woman finds out that she's pregnant with triplets...

she then consents to be the test subject for an experiment. A doctor gives her a newly developed pill that is meant to give unborn children super intelligence so they're born with the ability to speak English, think critically, etc.

Nine months later, she goes into labor. The doctor who gave ...

If electricity always flows in the path of least resistance

Why doesn't lightning always strike in France?

The bartender says "we don't serve particles that disrupt time flow!"

A tachyon particle walks into a bar.......

Field Trip

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children t...

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My wife read a fantastic story of some guy’s adventurous life as a single man...

She sat across from me reading this enchanting story, and every word I was pulled in by the pure bravery this man encompassed! There were moments of cheering and tears flowing freely. “This man knew how to live!” I yelled! My Lawyer said to “shut the fuck up!” “Do you want to lose half your shit!...

Husband and Wife are Christmas Shopping

at a busy shopping mall just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his phone.


The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 year...

What did the peninsula say before it was split in half by a flowing mass of water?

Crimea River

When I was learning to drive, my parents told me I should never be on a highway where the flow of traffic was going more that 80mph.

Then I moved to Florida.

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled during her period?

They say she has a mean flow.

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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I was in the gents restrooms at the urinals with my whacky inventor friend when he told me that he'd installed a voice activated device on his penis to combat his mild incontinence by controlling the flow of his pee.

I said "piss off!" and sure enough it stopped.

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Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

As they turn the corner, they come across a circus in the field over the road that has closed up for the night. One of the main attractions, a huge 12 foot tall bull elephant with a 6 foot long penis could clearly be seen quietly ea...

So there was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

What do you call electricity still flowing today?

Current.

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

“Well, why are you crying?” - Fairy asked.

"Because everything is oooov... is oooov.... is over!"

Cinderella wept so violently that she could barely speak. And, even more so, to listen. Fairy decided to wait. Let the goddaughter calm down a bit.

A few minutes later, Cinderella blew her nose in the apron and said almost calmly...

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

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Overheard my girlfriend discussing her heavy flow.

That bitch never told me she could rap.

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

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Bill gates dies

He dies and meets God. God tells him, “Now, Bill, you lived an extraordinary life. The products you made helped many people. However, there were also some debacles like Windows 95. I’m unsure whether to send you to Heaven and Hell. This is why, I’ve decided that for the first time in eternity, I am ...

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A ypung caveman walks up to the tribe's magician, looking irritated.

He asks, "How do we name our newborn babies?" The magician is kinda busy, but the young boy insists to know, so he finally gives in and replies, "Well, after a baby is born, I close my eyes and perform a ritual dance. Once I open my eyes, the first thing I spot will be the name of the baby; if it's ...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.

 

One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he ...

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A blonde is down on her luck

So she pleads to God, "Please let me win the lottery! I need the money so bad. Please help your faithful servant!"

A week comes and goes, and she doesn't win the lottery. Upset, she gets down on her knees, looks up to the heavens with tears streaming down her face and pleads, "God, I beg of y...

Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.

The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion. After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party. Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door. Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright ...

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan's voice booms "Mr Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these vile creations!" And with...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

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Did you hear the one about the guy on the toilet with all the buttons??

He looked at the array of buttons in bewilderment as he finished his business. He sees one labeled “WW”and decides to test it out. He pushes the button and warm water gently shoots out and washes his rear. Delighted, he moves onto one labeled “WA”. He pushes it and warm air flows from the toilet and...

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Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.

The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"

To which he replied ...

I don’t get it. What’s the problem with climate change, ice bergs melting and the sea level rising?

I mean the excess water just flows down the edge of the Earth.

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