Scientists discovered that death is actually caused by moss buildup in veins, which stops the flow of blood.

This is why Keith Richards is still alive.

Bruce Lee: “flow like water, you understand”

Me: “water you saying?”

Amusingly, the flow of excrement in the sewer system is well-regulated.

And thanks to modern architectural decor, it’s all in all a pretty solid waste system.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Which word describes someone that refuses to believe that rivers can flow from south to north?

de-Nile

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled when she was on her menstrual cycle?

They said she had a mean flow!

In which state does the Mississippi river flow?

Liquid.

So there was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds.

I see he's up-to-date with current events.

If electricity always flows in the path of least resistance

Why doesn't lightning always strike in France?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the gents restrooms at the urinals with my whacky inventor friend when he told me that he'd installed a voice activated device on his penis to combat his mild incontinence by controlling the flow of his pee.

I said "piss off!" and sure enough it stopped.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

The bartender says "we don't serve particles that disrupt time flow!"

A tachyon particle walks into a bar.......

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Overheard my girlfriend discussing her heavy flow.

That bitch never told me she could rap.

The lawyer called his client overseas...

..."Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both."

EDITED to improve flow as suggested by /u/emilskoda

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two idiots, Timmy and Tommy, are in a bar discussing how to make babies.

"My wife and me been trying to have a baby, but no luck yet." Says Timmy. "But we're trying everday."

"It doesn't work if you put it in her butt. Sure you doing the sex right?" Tommy asks.

"Yeah, I know how to make sex, I'm not a moron. Ya stick your man stick in her lady hole until y...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Man goes down the pub (long)

This feller one night fancies a pint and goes down his local pub. For some reason its absolutely packed and after he buys his pint he goes looking for somewhere to sit.

After circumnavigating the bar he comes across one small table with a guy sitting at it and an empty chair, He asks if he ca...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A day at the races

Two female teachers took a group of pupils from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was wa...

John walks into a bar and sees a strange man in the corner.

This man in the corner was no ordinary man, as this man had a giant orange head. John walks to the bartender and says "Hey, what's up with the guy in the corner with the big orange head?" The bartender replies, "If you buy him a drink, he'll tell you his story." John was very interested in this man,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wins a lifetime supply of carrots,

After learning about this fortunate occurence, he celebrated and patiently awaited the arrival of the tasty product.

A few days later, he heard knocking at his door and investigated. A delivery man offered him 12 bags of carrots, congratulated him on his winnings, and left.

This contin...

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A lonely man looked far and wide....

A lonely man looked far and wide for his true love.

He decided to travel the world in search for the fairest maiden in the land.

He went to France, and he found nothing.

He went to America, and he found nothing.

He went to Japan, and alas, he found nothing.

The man...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John liked to get very drunk at his local bar

He had a reputation of being making loud, obnoxious, claims to the whole bar. The bartender was an old friend of John, and basically let anything go that he wanted to do, knowing he brought in most of his business just by being there because John had quite the following at the bar, with people eggin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Time is like a river [long]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

Spermatozoons are flowing.

One shouts: "I am the STRONGEST, I will be the first". The second one shouts "I am the most HANDSOME, I will be the first". Suddenly the third spermatazoon screams "Guys, we are in an ass!!!" All spermatazoons are in panic, with screams and tears they turn and flow backward. Except the third spermat...

A woman goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the woman.

"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"

The woman was hesitant and doubtful but asked ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy meets a girl in a strip bar

The drinks flow and talk soon turns to sex. The girl explains how she only enjoys kinky sex, the kinkier the better and she doubts there is a man alive that is kinkier than her. The man accepts the challenge and they go back to her place.
 
The girl invites the guy to make himself at...

LPT: If you are sick of hearing duplicate tracks on Spotify's stand-up comedy playlists,

Just delete all of the Amy Schumer material, and it should flow a lot smoother.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My new girlfriend asked how I feel about period sex.

I told her I just go with the flow

The floor is lava!

Said everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.


[EDIT: For those saying it's a pyroclastic flow.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdz3m/comment/dl5t2se?st=J5Y0ORG8&sh=e10af661)
By the way, thanks for giving me a trip to the front page! :)

On a faraway island lived a solitary genius

On a tribal island, far far away from here, lived a man called Cong Clu. Mr. Clu was a physicist, and had lately taken a liking to particle physics.

His research, however, was disturbed quite a lot, by the strong magnetic flow from the ferrous rocks, that the island was made up of, and in the...

A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.

Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.

While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. T...

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080p

How does a quadriplegic swimmer handle peer pressure?

He just goes with the flow.

Christmas Shopping

Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.

Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, "Bob, where are you? You know we have lots to do."

Bob said, "Do you remember the jewelry store w...

A girl is standing in a busy town square holding a sign..

saying "everyone I need to tell you something important, my life depends on it"

A huge Line has formed leading up to her, and its moving fairly fast, so I decided to join it behind a nice young fellow in a yellow suit.

He looks at me and smiles, and says "are you here for the importa...

I wrote a book about diarrhea.

I'm told it flows really well.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A List of AP Botany Puns

Last semester I dicked around in AP Botany instead of listening to some stupid lecture senior year and came up with an extensive list of bad botanical puns and play on words. Enjoy!

How do trees hook up when they’re looking to have fun
Timber

What is a trees favorite social media we...

Engineer goes to Hell...

The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell.

Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do lil' Wayne and sewage have in common?

Shit flow.

I was such an ugly baby...

I was such an ugly baby...My Mom was pushing me in a pram one day and was so upset with folk's reaction to her ugly baby. She sat down on a park bench and the tears began to flow. A kindly stranger noticed her tearfully rocking the pram and decided to do a good deed. He bought a large ice cream a...

The Greatful Bear

An atheist was walking in the forest admiring all the beauty of creation. He heard and saw a large bush rustling and decide to investigate. He frightened a large bear which started to chase him. He ran hard, looked back and saw the bear catching up. He ran harder, looked back and the bear was still ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

epic meeting of world's top leaders

During a World Economic Summit, George W Bush, Mexican President Vincente Fox, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French Prime minister Jacques Chirac are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train. As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued. Ge...

Bruce the Aussie

Bruce the Aussie bloke walks into a dusty old bar deep in the outback. To everyone's surprise he has a five meter salty -- a crocodile -- on a leash.

"Roit!" he exclaims. "I'll bet everyone here that I can have my mate here" -- gesturing to the crocodile -- "clamp down on my donger for a fu...

Two of my favorite jokes

So a couple of guys are walking around and they spot a pile of bricks, one of them says, "I bet I can throw a brick higher in the air than you guys can." The other guys laugh and accept his challenge. Then one of them ask how they're gonna know who threw the highest. So they settle on throwing them ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On a late Saturday evening

On a late Saturday evening in a pub, a man and a woman, total strangers to each other, met in a bar. As usual, they talked, drank, flirted … and eventually as the evening progressed, they started kissing. With the natural flow of things, they ended up in his apartment. Before things were getting hot...

An old man is fishing in a lake next to a country road

Suddenly, he sees a funeral procession driving slowly down the road.

So he stands next to the road, puts his cigarette away, takes off his hat and waits flow the procession to pass.

2 hours later, the funeral director comes up to the man , this time by himself.

"That was very r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke about Viagra my grandfather told me. Slightly dirty.

A woman walks into a pharmacy and goes directly to the pharmacist.

Woman: Excuse me sir, my husband is having trouble getting hard and it's really affecting our sex life. Is there anything you'd recommend?

Pharmacist: Yes, I would recommend Viagra. It helps increase the blood flow to t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is wandering through the mountains on a perfect day...

...the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, a soft, cool breeze flows through his hair. As the man rounds a corner, he hears a sound in the distance that sounds like a child crying. As he gets closer, sure enough, there is a little boy sitting on a rock crying in great agony. The man approaches...

A cop pulls a car over for speeding...

A cop pulls a car over for speeding.

The guy tries to defend himself by saying, "I was just going with the flow of traffic."

The cop replies, "Ever go fishing?"

"Yeah."

"Ever catch ALL the fish?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Smart Ass Out Of The Box Answers By Students Who Failed

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle



Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page



Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid



Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and ro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there is a a Russian, American, Cuban and a Mexican in a boat.

They are all hanging out relaxing, when suddenly the Cuban takes out a cuban cigar. He takes 2 puffs of it and throws it overboard.

"What are you doing? thats a really nice cuban cigar!" he was asked.
"Oh its no big deal, where I'm from they are a dime a dozen."
Thats pretty bad ass eve...

My girlfriend and I went to the Renaissance fair and saw a minstrel get cut in the arm

He's gonna be okay though, my girlfriend had just the thing to stop the flow of minstrel blood

What do you get when you have barbie dolls standing in a line?

A barbie queue (BBQ)!
Also, I made a quick sketch on my iPad.
http://imgur.com/gallery/he4epJo/

I found the genesis to this joke as a text note in my Evernote this morning, after what seemed like a night of free flow beers. Feel free to downvote me to oblivion.

Iggy Azalea must have an infinitely high viscosity

because she got no flow.

NASA recently confirmed what I've always suspected

...even Mars has more flow than Kanye West.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Edgar is sitting in his rocking chair on his back porch...

... watching the river flow, when he notices an old man down by the dock loading up his boat with rolls of tape.
Edgar yells down to the old man,
"Hey old man! Where you going with all that tape?"
The old man replies,
"This here is duck tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks. You ...

Job Application Humor

========================================================================

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...

===============================================...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

April Fool's!

A woman goés into labor éarly and is rushéd to thé hospital. Aftér an agonizing night, shé finally givés birth, and thé doctor doés thé littlé pat on thé baby liké hé normally doés to stimulaté air flow. Thén hé tossés thé baby in thé air liké a pizza, and grabs it by thé légs and slams it into thé ...

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