Scientists discovered that death is actually caused by moss buildup in veins, which stops the flow of blood.

This is why Keith Richards is still alive.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Amusingly, the flow of excrement in the sewer system is well-regulated.

And thanks to modern architectural decor, it’s all in all a pretty solid waste system.

The bartender says "we don't serve particles that disrupt time flow!"

A tachyon particle walks into a bar.......

How would one describe an especially pleasing surface magma flow?

Lavaly

Which word describes someone that refuses to believe that rivers can flow from south to north?

de-Nile

My local fisherman keeps trying to lecture me about how the litter from single-use plastics flows downstream into spawning grounds.

I see he's up-to-date with current events.

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

So there was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

Bruce Lee: “flow like water, you understand”

Me: “water you saying?”

In which state does the Mississippi river flow?

Liquid.

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I was in the gents restrooms at the urinals with my whacky inventor friend when he told me that he'd installed a voice activated device on his penis to combat his mild incontinence by controlling the flow of his pee.

I said "piss off!" and sure enough it stopped.

When I was learning to drive, my parents told me I should never be on a highway where the flow of traffic was going more that 80mph.

Then I moved to Florida.

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled when she was on her menstrual cycle?

They said she had a mean flow!

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Overheard my girlfriend discussing her heavy flow.

That bitch never told me she could rap.

If electricity always flows in the path of least resistance

Why doesn't lightning always strike in France?

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

The lawyer called his client overseas...

..."Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep and I can't reach any other relatives. Shall we order burial or cremation?"

Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order both."

EDITED to improve flow as suggested by /u/emilskoda

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

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I just watched a drama movie based on the true story of how tampons were invented.

It was one of those period pieces but it had a good flow.

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Did you hear the one about the guy on the toilet with all the buttons??

He looked at the array of buttons in bewilderment as he finished his business. He sees one labeled “WW”and decides to test it out. He pushes the button and warm water gently shoots out and washes his rear. Delighted, he moves onto one labeled “WA”. He pushes it and warm air flows from the toilet and...

I don’t get it. What’s the problem with climate change, ice bergs melting and the sea level rising?

I mean the excess water just flows down the edge of the Earth.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

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A day at the races

Two female teachers took a group of pupils from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was wa...

John walks into a bar and sees a strange man in the corner.

This man in the corner was no ordinary man, as this man had a giant orange head. John walks to the bartender and says "Hey, what's up with the guy in the corner with the big orange head?" The bartender replies, "If you buy him a drink, he'll tell you his story." John was very interested in this man,...

A woman goes to a fortune teller

"Can you read people's futures?" asked the woman.

"Of course dear," said the old fortune teller peering into her crystal ball, "I have predicted many events and have given people their futures accurately. Now, what would you like to know?"

The woman was hesitant and doubtful but asked ...

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A lonely man looked far and wide....

A lonely man looked far and wide for his true love.

He decided to travel the world in search for the fairest maiden in the land.

He went to France, and he found nothing.

He went to America, and he found nothing.

He went to Japan, and alas, he found nothing.

The man...

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A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

Spermatozoons are flowing.

One shouts: "I am the STRONGEST, I will be the first". The second one shouts "I am the most HANDSOME, I will be the first". Suddenly the third spermatazoon screams "Guys, we are in an ass!!!" All spermatazoons are in panic, with screams and tears they turn and flow backward. Except the third spermat...

The floor is lava!

Said everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.


[EDIT: For those saying it's a pyroclastic flow.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdz3m/comment/dl5t2se?st=J5Y0ORG8&sh=e10af661)
By the way, thanks for giving me a trip to the front page! :)

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Guy meets a girl in a strip bar

The drinks flow and talk soon turns to sex. The girl explains how she only enjoys kinky sex, the kinkier the better and she doubts there is a man alive that is kinkier than her. The man accepts the challenge and they go back to her place.
 
The girl invites the guy to make himself at...

LPT: If you are sick of hearing duplicate tracks on Spotify's stand-up comedy playlists,

Just delete all of the Amy Schumer material, and it should flow a lot smoother.

What do you call crystal clear urine?

1080p

Christmas Shopping

Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.

Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, "Bob, where are you? You know we have lots to do."

Bob said, "Do you remember the jewelry store w...

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My new girlfriend asked how I feel about period sex.

I told her I just go with the flow

On a faraway island lived a solitary genius

On a tribal island, far far away from here, lived a man called Cong Clu. Mr. Clu was a physicist, and had lately taken a liking to particle physics.

His research, however, was disturbed quite a lot, by the strong magnetic flow from the ferrous rocks, that the island was made up of, and in the...

Engineer goes to Hell...

The engineer looks around, confused, and sees that despite having lived what he felt was a pious and good life, he is in Hell.

Satan quickly introduces himself. "Welcome to Hell. I can't say i was expecting you, so i guess St. Peter made a mistake when he put you on the Hell list. I'll have ...

How does a quadriplegic swimmer handle peer pressure?

He just goes with the flow.

A girl is standing in a busy town square holding a sign..

saying "everyone I need to tell you something important, my life depends on it"

A huge Line has formed leading up to her, and its moving fairly fast, so I decided to join it behind a nice young fellow in a yellow suit.

He looks at me and smiles, and says "are you here for the importa...

I wrote a book about diarrhea.

I'm told it flows really well.

A critic reserves a table at a popular restaurant

It's quite posh, but the restaurant's real claim to fame is the speed of service.

Sure enough, everything flows like clockwork. The diner is seated shortly after arriving, and a waiter arrives quickly to take his order.

While he's waiting for food, the man kids around the restaurant. T...

The Greatful Bear

An atheist was walking in the forest admiring all the beauty of creation. He heard and saw a large bush rustling and decide to investigate. He frightened a large bear which started to chase him. He ran hard, looked back and saw the bear catching up. He ran harder, looked back and the bear was still ...

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On a late Saturday evening

On a late Saturday evening in a pub, a man and a woman, total strangers to each other, met in a bar. As usual, they talked, drank, flirted … and eventually as the evening progressed, they started kissing. With the natural flow of things, they ended up in his apartment. Before things were getting hot...

I was such an ugly baby...

I was such an ugly baby...My Mom was pushing me in a pram one day and was so upset with folk's reaction to her ugly baby. She sat down on a park bench and the tears began to flow. A kindly stranger noticed her tearfully rocking the pram and decided to do a good deed. He bought a large ice cream a...

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What do lil' Wayne and sewage have in common?

Shit flow.

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epic meeting of world's top leaders

During a World Economic Summit, George W Bush, Mexican President Vincente Fox, Russian President Vladimir Putin, and French Prime minister Jacques Chirac are ceremonially riding in Japan's newest bullet train. As you might know all of these political leaders have big egos and this is what ensued. Ge...

Bruce the Aussie

Bruce the Aussie bloke walks into a dusty old bar deep in the outback. To everyone's surprise he has a five meter salty -- a crocodile -- on a leash.

"Roit!" he exclaims. "I'll bet everyone here that I can have my mate here" -- gesturing to the crocodile -- "clamp down on my donger for a fu...

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Smart Ass Out Of The Box Answers By Students Who Failed

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle



Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

* at the bottom of the page



Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?

* liquid



Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?

* marr...

An old man is fishing in a lake next to a country road

Suddenly, he sees a funeral procession driving slowly down the road.

So he stands next to the road, puts his cigarette away, takes off his hat and waits flow the procession to pass.

2 hours later, the funeral director comes up to the man , this time by himself.

"That was very r...

Two of my favorite jokes

So a couple of guys are walking around and they spot a pile of bricks, one of them says, "I bet I can throw a brick higher in the air than you guys can." The other guys laugh and accept his challenge. Then one of them ask how they're gonna know who threw the highest. So they settle on throwing them ...

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

A cop pulls a car over for speeding...

A cop pulls a car over for speeding.

The guy tries to defend himself by saying, "I was just going with the flow of traffic."

The cop replies, "Ever go fishing?"

"Yeah."

"Ever catch ALL the fish?"

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A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and ro...

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So there is a a Russian, American, Cuban and a Mexican in a boat.

They are all hanging out relaxing, when suddenly the Cuban takes out a cuban cigar. He takes 2 puffs of it and throws it overboard.

"What are you doing? thats a really nice cuban cigar!" he was asked.
"Oh its no big deal, where I'm from they are a dime a dozen."
Thats pretty bad ass eve...

My girlfriend and I went to the Renaissance fair and saw a minstrel get cut in the arm

He's gonna be okay though, my girlfriend had just the thing to stop the flow of minstrel blood

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