I can't believe there's a band named after diode flow...

One Direction

Today I found out that you can hear the blood flowing through your veins.

You just have to listen varicosely.

This joke was originally told to me in Chinese - let’s see if it flows just as well in English

An emperor with finds out that there is a spy inside his grand army. He decides to interrogate every single person in the army.

A young trooper in the army does not speak the emperor’s native language, and is worried that he would be suspected as the spy. His friends in the army, however, dec...

The Presidential Election will never bring a satisfactory conclusion, there’s no flow it’s just one candidate that changes the subject constantly,while the other can’t perform for too long

we truly have Electile Dysfunction

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”

What state does the Mississippi River flow in?

Liquid

A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

Scientists have developed a new type of diode that reverses it's flow after around 66 years...

They are calling it the Jenner Diode!

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the owner of one ...

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I was at a dinner party last night and was seated next to a girl in a wheelchair..

She wasn't the most gorgeous, but the more the wine flowed, the more attractive I found her.
"So tell me" I whispered flirtily in her ear, "have you ever been fingered under a table?"

"No." she replied. "But I once got fucked under a bus."

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

What do you call all the little rivers that flow into the Nile?

Juveniles.

what do you call a constant stream of snake people?

lamia flow.

As I stared at the hot water flowing towards my shower drain I realized something.

It's all downhill from here.

What do you call a narrow passage of water that is near a barrier that restricts the flow of water?

A dam strait.

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Did you hear about the politician that ran out of ideas?

I told him he's probably constipated, and drinking a cup of coffee should get the shit flowing again.

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Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

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My girlfriend was angry after I forgot to buy tampons.

Apparently telling her to "go with the flow" wasn't a good response

A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his kne...

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The 4 rules of plumbing

Payday is Friday

Shit flows downhill

The boss is an ass

Don't chew your fingernails

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Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

As they turn the corner, they come across a circus in the field over the road that has closed up for the night. One of the main attractions, a huge 12 foot tall bull elephant with a 6 foot long penis could clearly be seen quietly ea...

The lonely fish

Deep in the bamboo forest, there lived a tiny fish alone in a pond. Every day he swam around the pond in solitude. His little heart longed for a companion. He gradually became incredibly sad, he stopped eating and he started losing the color in his scales. A fairy, passing by, was taken with the pl...

Of Mayhem from Allstate Insurance and Flow from Progressive Insurance had a baby...

They would name it Aggressive Prostate Insurance.

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around

There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he don’t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking

“That fly is gonna drop 6 in. And I’m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good meal”

But the fish don’t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

“That fl...

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.

After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"

He said,...

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The purple flower joke. (Very long)

Once there was a boy in 5th grade, and he really liked this girl (simp) and he knew that she liked the color purple.

So one day during recess he found these purple flowers and decided to make his move on the girl, so he walked up to her (with the flowers) and said "You are my purple flower" a...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

When you try to change the current flowing through a solenoid and it resists

Weird flux but OK

Pearl Jam just came out with a product that regulates women’s periods

They’re calling it Even Flow

There was once a horse with the most illustrious and flowing mane on the planet

Maybe she was barn with it, or maybe it's neighbelline.

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

A well-dressed older lady walks into a bank, and asks to see the loan officer.

"What can we do for you today?", asks the loan officer.

"I'm going on vacation today, and I need a $20,000 loan."

"That's a substantial amount of money, ma'am. The bank will need collateral."

The woman fished into her purse and pulled out the title and keys to a very nice Merced...

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On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming.

she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment ...

I know a joke about nitric oxide

Every time I tell it though my skin turns red and I sometimes see spots.

See, because nitric oxide is a vasodilator that increases blood flow and lowers blood pressure? Yeah I know, it’s way too complicated for a joke, that’s why most people just say NO

There's too much water flowing in from the river...

Dam it.

Scientists discovered that death is actually caused by moss buildup in veins, which stops the flow of blood.

This is why Keith Richards is still alive.

Amusingly, the flow of excrement in the sewer system is well-regulated.

And thanks to modern architectural decor, it’s all in all a pretty solid waste system.

The Monk and The Cow

A humble monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, and the river flows with the breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. Softly, the mo...

The Atheist and the bear.

One beautiful morning, an atheist was walking through the forest, admiring nature's surroundings...
He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...
He saw the river glisten and the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...
He thoug...

Bruce Lee: “flow like water, you understand”

Me: “water you saying?”

What did the fish say when the river stopped flowing

Gosh dam it

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

Spermatozoons are flowing.

One shouts: "I am the STRONGEST, I will be the first". The second one shouts "I am the most HANDSOME, I will be the first". Suddenly the third spermatazoon screams "Guys, we are in an ass!!!" All spermatazoons are in panic, with screams and tears they turn and flow backward. Except the third spermat...

How would one describe an especially pleasing surface magma flow?

Lavaly

The pharoah woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming. Concerned for his saftey, two guards burst in! After making sure the room was safe, one guard immediately ran off to fetch the soothsayer, always close at hand.

The soothsayer quickly calmed down the pharoah and began to ask him what had him clearly so distraught.

"Oh, it was terrible!" The pharoah recounted, "The mountains shook and ungodly scream sound across the world, as though the gods themselves were yelling in torment!" A moment to steady hi...

A man has found water while digging in his backyard

For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine and dug a deeper hole until he found water...

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic

A Rabbi and a Priest were having a picnic on a really hot summer day and wanted to dip in the river to cool off. They had not thought to bring bathing suits, so decided to skinny dip instead.


The river was flowing rapidly and both clergy were washed a short distance downstream before ge...

A Man goes to a bar with his friend at his friend favourite bar after they are few drinks down someone yells 26

Everyone starts laughing including his friend and this guy is confused he asks his friend what's happening before his friend can answer someone else shouts 94 everyone including his friend is in splits now the guy starts getting really confused. After few moments of silence someone says 153 eve...

Which word describes someone that refuses to believe that rivers can flow from south to north?

de-Nile

In a hotel a engineer, a physicist and a mathematician...

... are sleeping when a fire breaks out.

The engineer wakes up, notices the fire, grabs the next fire extinguisher and starts spraying.... After what seems hours of heroic fighting the fire is gone and he goes to sleep again.

But the fire breaks out again. The physicist wakes up, notic...

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A guy walks into the doctor’s office

A guy walks into a doctors office and tells the doctor:

“Doccctorrr, I cccaannn hharddlllyyy finiiiishh a senttttenccee.”

The doctor says:

“Alright let’s do a head to toe inspection”

The doctor quickly notices this guy has an enormous penis. Like the biggest the doctor ha...

If 2020 was a math problem.

You are flying over the desert at 180 KPH, You are flying Due north with the wind coming from the west at 40 KPH. The current is flowing at 30 knots due east. How many 20 lb watermelons will fill a football field during the full moon?

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A guy walks into a doctors office

and sits down on the table. The doctor asks him “what’s going on?” The guy says “d-d-doctor, I d-d-don’t know w-w-whats g-g-going on. I c-c-can’t st-st-stop st-st-stuttering!” So the doctor calms him down and says “we’ll need to do a throughout physical examination to see what’s the root cause of th...

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

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English Literature Class

Professor starts the literature class. "Today's lesson is metaphors. A metaphor conceptualizes and exaggerate a big thing into a small creative image. As an example you can say 'The snow is a white blanket' instead of saying that snow is white. Can anyone say a similar metaphor ? "

"Tom Crui...

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

If electricity always flows in the path of least resistance

Why doesn't lightning always strike in France?

The bartender says "we don't serve particles that disrupt time flow!"

A tachyon particle walks into a bar.......

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

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A man books an appointment for an abnormally large penis

He books the appointment with doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man mus...

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

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I was in the gents restrooms at the urinals with my whacky inventor friend when he told me that he'd installed a voice activated device on his penis to combat his mild incontinence by controlling the flow of his pee.

I said "piss off!" and sure enough it stopped.

What did the peninsula say before it was split in half by a flowing mass of water?

Crimea River

When I was learning to drive, my parents told me I should never be on a highway where the flow of traffic was going more that 80mph.

Then I moved to Florida.

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comm...

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Three old men are sitting around in a convalescent home,

And the first man pipes up:

“I wish I could have just one good easy piss. I’ve had enough with this dribbling, and trying to get it out, always waiting and waiting and waiting.”

The second man chimes in:

“I wish I could have one just one easy poop. It either comes out runny and ...

Jesus and Moses

Jesus and Moses were sitting up in heaven in the late 70s early 80s looking down on the beaches of California. Jesus says, “Damn Moses, I’m bored.” Moses says,”Me too. it looks like they are having a good time. Let’s go down.”
So they go down and are walking along the beach with their long...

What do you call electricity still flowing today?

Current.

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

So there was a man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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Mom, how did we get our names?

Girl: mom, how did me and my siblings get our names.

Mom: well when I had your sister I was looking over the water and noticed some water lilies, so her name is Floating Lily.

When your brother was born I looked out and noticed that the river was just flowing so peacefully, so I named...

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A group of...

A group of sperm cells in a guys balls are getting ready for their big moment. They all talk about racing to the egg, who will be first, how to get in, etc. But while all the sperm are talking, one sperm cell by the name of Matt instead of chatting is busy working out. He's doing sprints, push ups...

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

Field Trip

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children t...

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

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My wife read a fantastic story of some guy’s adventurous life as a single man...

She sat across from me reading this enchanting story, and every word I was pulled in by the pure bravery this man encompassed! There were moments of cheering and tears flowing freely. “This man knew how to live!” I yelled! My Lawyer said to “shut the fuck up!” “Do you want to lose half your shit!...

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled during her period?

They say she has a mean flow.

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Bill gates dies

He dies and meets God. God tells him, “Now, Bill, you lived an extraordinary life. The products you made helped many people. However, there were also some debacles like Windows 95. I’m unsure whether to send you to Heaven and Hell. This is why, I’ve decided that for the first time in eternity, I am ...

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan's voice booms "Mr Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these vile creations!" And with...

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

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