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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

What do cannibals call Usain Bolt?

Fast food.

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

How does Usain Bolt like his eggs?

Runny

A handyman was securing a bolt into a wall when he got distracted by a beautiful woman.

He ended up busting a nut.

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

Why is usain bolt so dark?

He's so fast, even light cannot catch him

Yesterday, my brother did 100m quicker than Usain Bolt.

No-one said it had to be horizontal rather than vertical.

Whats the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt can actually finish a race.

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One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it'...

What would you call Usain Bolt if he was a spongebob squarepants fan?

The cash slinging dasher

I bought a dog off a black smith once

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

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Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."

"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I...

Why can't Usain Bolt listen to music when he's running?

Because the silly fool keeps breaking the records.

What do you call an electric bolt from the sky that profusely apologizes after zapping you?

Politning.

Did you hear about when the Bride of Frankenstein helped him replace a missing neck bolt?

Turns out, all he needed was a big screw.

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

Today I was asked about my job manufacturing nuts and bolts

I told them it was quite riveting

Why can’t you tell usain bolt a joke?

He’ll beat you to the punch line

You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

Usain bolt must be a fruit

Have you seen that mango

(hopefully OC)

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The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

what's it called when a white man performs better then usain bolt?

whitening bolt.

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

What is the bolt's favorite sauce?

Wrench dressing

I once heard a story about Usain Bolt’s tendency to be a womanizer

They said he really gets around

Usain Bolt did the 100m in 9.63 seconds..

I can't do anything that quick!
It took me 10 seconds to watch him run it!

I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together.

I figured if you can't beat them, join them.

I heard Usain Bolt once won a race while resting.

He was fast asleep.

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He awaits it at the next stop.

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Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.

Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."

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Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, t...

Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He’s looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt “Hi, I’m here to see about joining your new golf course” ...

A lot of people are talking about Usain Bolt.

I guess it's a running joke.

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[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis

It never strikes the same place twice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

When he reaches the front desk, the secretary behind the desk gives him an apologetic smile and tells him, "sorry, but blacks are not allowed at the club. There is however another club ten minutes down the road."

Furious, he replies, "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"

"Oh ...

What's the difference between a screw, a bolt and a nail?

I have never been bolted.

Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.

Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.

What do Usain Bolt and Hitler have in common?

They're both fast, but Hitler was Fascist.

I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....

The plot was riveting!

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt.

"That was dope!"

Man: Hey Bolt! Get in the car, I'll drop you home!

Usain Bolt: Sorry dude, I'm in a hurry.

Usain Bolt wins a race in Europe [x-post from /r/meanjokes because it's not very offensive]

and goes out after to celebrate.

But he is refused service at the first pub he goes to. The barman shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we do not serve your type here."

Bolt is not happy to hear this and orders his drink again. But the barman refuses to serve him, "Sorry, there`s a place ...

What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom?

A runner in scoring position.

Usain Bolt is like a Police Officer

He starts off following black men, then catches up and beats them.

Usain Bolt and I have a lot in common

I can run for less than 10 seconds and enjoy smoking Degrasse

What do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles call Usain Bolt?

Master Sprinter.

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Crazy man has sex with machine at laundromat and evades police

Nut screws washer and bolts

Did you hear about the woman who beat Usain Bolt?

Turns out it was race related.

usain bolt

usain bolt, the fastest man in the world, can run almost 30mph. that means if were to run in a neighborhood, he could get pulled over by the cops...for being black.

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There once was a man who always wanted to be a train conductor.

There once was a man who always wanted to be a train conductor. All his life this man wanted to conduct a train. So once the man grew older, he followed his dreams learned to be a conductor. The man went through extreme training and was finally ready to conduct a large passenger train.


...

What did the father lightning bolt do to his son when he miabehaved?

He grounded him.

A doctor was visiting a patient

She asked him 'doctor am I going to die?'
Out of pity the doctor told her the truth, 'we are all dying slowly, some just faster than others.'
The patient said, 'how fast am I dying.'
The doctor leaned over and said 'you are the usain bolt of dying.'

What did the bolt say to the nut?

"Washer? I don't even know 'er!"

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.

 

One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he ...

You know that black guy who runs fast? I can't quite remember his name.

You sayin Bolt?

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