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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

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What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

One can finish a race

What do cannibals call Usain Bolt?

Fast food.

Why is usain bolt so dark?

He's so fast, even light cannot catch him

A handyman was securing a bolt into a wall when he got distracted by a beautiful woman.

He ended up busting a nut.

Yesterday, my brother did 100m quicker than Usain Bolt.

No-one said it had to be horizontal rather than vertical.

What's the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a nut and bolt.

Above is the classic punchline, but it occurs to me there is another:

...but you can't unscrew a pregnant woman, you can only nut and bolt.

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One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it'...

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Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."

"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I...

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

Today I was asked about my job manufacturing nuts and bolts

I told them it was quite riveting

I bought a dog off a black smith once

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Why can't Usain Bolt listen to music when he's running?

Because the silly fool keeps breaking the records.

What do you call an electric bolt from the sky that profusely apologizes after zapping you?

Politning.

Did you hear about when the Bride of Frankenstein helped him replace a missing neck bolt?

Turns out, all he needed was a big screw.

Why can’t you tell usain bolt a joke?

He’ll beat you to the punch line

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

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The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

what's it called when a white man performs better then usain bolt?

whitening bolt.

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

What is the bolt's favorite sauce?

Wrench dressing

What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together.

I figured if you can't beat them, join them.

Why did the rusty bolt go to the bar?

To loosen up.

Usain Bolt did the 100m in 9.63 seconds..

I can't do anything that quick!
It took me 10 seconds to watch him run it!

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Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, t...

I heard Usain Bolt once won a race while resting.

He was fast asleep.

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Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.

Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."

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Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

When he reaches the front desk, the secretary behind the desk gives him an apologetic smile and tells him, "sorry, but blacks are not allowed at the club. There is however another club ten minutes down the road."

Furious, he replies, "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"

"Oh ...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

A lot of people are talking about Usain Bolt.

I guess it's a running joke.

Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He’s looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt “Hi, I’m here to see about joining your new golf course” ...

If Usain Bolt was an electrician...

His name would be Usain Volt

Man: Hey Bolt! Get in the car, I'll drop you home!

Usain Bolt: Sorry dude, I'm in a hurry.

Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.

Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.

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What do Usain Bolt and Hitler have in common?

They're both fast, but Hitler was Fascist.

I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....

The plot was riveting!

What's the difference between a screw, a bolt and a nail?

I have never been bolted.

Usain Bolt wins a race in Europe [x-post from /r/meanjokes because it's not very offensive]

and goes out after to celebrate.

But he is refused service at the first pub he goes to. The barman shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we do not serve your type here."

Bolt is not happy to hear this and orders his drink again. But the barman refuses to serve him, "Sorry, there`s a place ...

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt.

"That was dope!"

What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom?

A runner in scoring position.

Usain Bolt is like a Police Officer

He starts off following black men, then catches up and beats them.

Usain Bolt and I have a lot in common

I can run for less than 10 seconds and enjoy smoking Degrasse

Did you hear about the woman who beat Usain Bolt?

Turns out it was race related.

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Crazy man has sex with machine at laundromat and evades police

Nut screws washer and bolts

usain bolt

usain bolt, the fastest man in the world, can run almost 30mph. that means if were to run in a neighborhood, he could get pulled over by the cops...for being black.

What did the father lightning bolt do to his son when he miabehaved?

He grounded him.

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A man walks into a bar feeling gloomy

"What's wrong John?" asks the bartender, standing with his legs apart and hands on his hips.

John says, "It's the wife. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore. Our love life feels dull and the sex has become routine."

The bartender starts stroking his chin, legs apart, with one hand o...

An atheist and a pastor are playing around of golf

The atheist is new to the game of golf and therefore is inexperienced unlike the pastor.

On the first hole the atheist misses and shouts “GOD DAMM IT I missed!” And the pastor being a pastor tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

On the second hole the atheist misses and again ...

A doctor was visiting a patient

She asked him 'doctor am I going to die?'
Out of pity the doctor told her the truth, 'we are all dying slowly, some just faster than others.'
The patient said, 'how fast am I dying.'
The doctor leaned over and said 'you are the usain bolt of dying.'

What did the bolt say to the nut?

"Washer? I don't even know 'er!"

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