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What’s the difference between Usain Bolt and Adolf Hitler

Usain Bolt can actually finish the race

I heard Usain Bolt is joining a band

Turbonegro

When Usain Bolt misses the bus,

he waits for it at *the next stop.*

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

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What does a robot do after sex?

Nuts and bolts.

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

I put a nut on a bolt today.

It was riveting.

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

What do cannibals call Usain Bolt?

Fast food.

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Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

The secretary says "We don't allow blacks at this club. However there's a club 10 minutes down the road that take blacks."



Furious, Bolt replies "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"



"Oh, sorry, " replies the Secretary. "In that case, it's 5 minutes down th...

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today....

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.



Thanks for the silver.

What's the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a nut and bolt.

Above is the classic punchline, but it occurs to me there is another:

...but you can't unscrew a pregnant woman, you can only nut and bolt.

A handyman was securing a bolt into a wall when he got distracted by a beautiful woman.

He ended up busting a nut.

Why is usain bolt so dark?

He's so fast, even light cannot catch him

A priest goes out practice golfing and has an altar boy caddy for him.

Right off the first tee the priest immediately hooks the ball into a sand trap. He mutters, "God Dammit!!!" The shocked altar boy says, "Father! Isn't that blasphemy?" The priest says, "Awww I'm a priest, he'll forgive me."
On the second tee he hits a bad slice, the ball bounces off a tree and ...

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A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert

They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese.

"Fuck, I missed!"

"Do not use that word, child, for God will smite you"

They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing.

"Fuck, I mis...

What do you call an electric bolt from the sky that profusely apologizes after zapping you?

Politning.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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All the sex robots I’ve seen hate cuddling

They just Nut and Bolt

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Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."

"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I...

Steph Curry picks up a veteran and a rookie teammate on his way to a game against the Lakers.

While on the road, they wind up behind an SUV and Steph sees that Shaq is behind the wheel. Steph kicks it into overdrive and passes Shaq going 70 mph.

A little while later they see Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mustang. Steph floors it and passes him going 80 mph.

Halfway to the game, t...

What does a masochistic robot enjoy?

Cog and bolt torture

What do you call the fastest terrorist?

Hussein Bolt

A man is driving at a rainy night when one of his tire gets punctured

He stops under the only street light right infront of an asylum, trying to change his tire. With the corner of his eye, he notices a man is watching him from his cell. He doesn't pay attention and keeps changing his tire.

Since his hands were wet from heavy rain, he drops 3 bolts out of 4 int...

Today I was asked about my job manufacturing nuts and bolts

I told them it was quite riveting

Why can’t you tell usain bolt a joke?

He’ll beat you to the punch line

Why can't Usain Bolt listen to music when he's running?

Because the silly fool keeps breaking the records.

Did you hear about when the Bride of Frankenstein helped him replace a missing neck bolt?

Turns out, all he needed was a big screw.

An old "Dad Joke" from my collection that my son just retold tonight and nailed it. I've officially passed the torch.

A doctor is driving home along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible.

He immediately pulled the car to the side and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the ca...

You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

A Little Old Man Wants to Play Golf One Day

He walks into the pro shop and they pair him up with two other golfers, Jesus and Moses.

On the first tee box, Moses hits his first shot right into a water hazard leading up to the green. He explains, "Don't worry guys, I've got this." Moses approaches the water and raises his hands causing t...

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A Rabbi and a Priest are out golfing,

The Priest takes his first shot and gets a hole in one. He smiles, then tells the Rabbi it's his turn. The Rabbi takes his shot, and completely missed the golf ball. The Rabbi then shouts,

"Shit, I missed!"

The Priest shakes his head and says,

"I would like it if you didn't utt...

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

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Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, t...

Poseidon, Zeus, and Hades sit down for a drink.

They know that, because of those pesky humans, it will be their last meeting in a long time. Zeus is attempting to combat climate change, Poseidon is dealing with rampant pollution and rising sea levels, and Hades needs to update his infrastructure to deal with the massive influx of souls after WW3....

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A sailor and a priest are playing golf...

The sailor takes a shot. He places the ball down, smacks it with the club, and watches as it goes flying straight into a sand trap. The sailor mumbles to himself

“Fuck, I missed...”

The priest, hearing him, immediately snaps round and says

“Young man! Please do not use such awf...

what's it called when a white man performs better then usain bolt?

whitening bolt.

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The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

I once heard a story about Usain Bolt’s tendency to be a womanizer

They said he really gets around

What is the bolt's favorite sauce?

Wrench dressing

Usain bolt must be a fruit

Have you seen that mango

(hopefully OC)

Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He’s looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt “Hi, I’m here to see about joining your new golf course” ...

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

Why did the rusty bolt go to the bar?

To loosen up.

I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together.

I figured if you can't beat them, join them.

Be careful what you wish for.

Somewhere in Africa this lion was chasing this christian. When the lion caught up with him, the lion knocked him to the ground with one swipe. The stunned christian got up on his knees and offered a prayer to god saying dear god please make this lion a christian lion so that maybe he will have mercy...

Usain Bolt did the 100m in 9.63 seconds..

I can't do anything that quick!
It took me 10 seconds to watch him run it!

I heard Usain Bolt once won a race while resting.

He was fast asleep.

Guy chose a crossbow instead of bow.

It was a bolt decision.

A lot of people are talking about Usain Bolt.

I guess it's a running joke.

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Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.

Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."

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[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis

It never strikes the same place twice

If Usain Bolt was an electrician...

His name would be Usain Volt

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A man walks into a bar feeling gloomy

"What's wrong John?" asks the bartender, standing with his legs apart and hands on his hips.

John says, "It's the wife. I feel like she doesn't love me anymore. Our love life feels dull and the sex has become routine."

The bartender starts stroking his chin, legs apart, with one hand o...

An atheist and a pastor are playing around of golf

The atheist is new to the game of golf and therefore is inexperienced unlike the pastor.

On the first hole the atheist misses and shouts “GOD DAMM IT I missed!” And the pastor being a pastor tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

On the second hole the atheist misses and again ...

Blacksmiths Dog

When i was 12, my Dad bought home a dog that the village blacksmith had asked if we could rehome it.
It had only been with less than an hour, and it made a bolt for the door.

Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.

Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.

I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....

The plot was riveting!

What's the difference between a screw, a bolt and a nail?

I have never been bolted.

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A priest and a nun decide to play basketball together...

They walk towards the basketball field and start a free shots challenge.

The nun shoots the ball and scores a point.

It's the priest's turn: he shoots the ball but misses the basket. Being angry he shouts "fucking God, I missed it".

The nun is astonished and says "Sir, please yo...

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A man walks into a bar...

and orders ten shots. When the bartender comes back with the shots, the man smashes the first one and the tenth ones on the floor. The bartender asks, "What did you do that for?!" The man says, "The first one always tastes like crap and the last one always makes me sick!"

and orders ten shots...

Man: Hey Bolt! Get in the car, I'll drop you home!

Usain Bolt: Sorry dude, I'm in a hurry.

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What do Usain Bolt and Hitler have in common?

They're both fast, but Hitler was Fascist.

Never expect to keep a long-term relationship with a mechanic.

He screws nuts and bolts.

A man is driving a car next to a mental asylum when his tire ruptures.

He stops and gets out of the car to change it.

But through the fence, a patient with gray hair, long unkempt beard, dressed in a nightgown, and with a creepy doll in his arms watches him silently.

The man tries to ignore him, but the stare makes him extremely anxious. His hands start...

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A woman is out walking her dog...

A woman is out walking her dog by the canal, close to the University. She decides to let it off the leash to stretch its paws. It's at this horrendous moment that it bolts straight into the canal and begins to drown.

Luckily, a German exchange student was having a stroll at the time, and dive...

What do you call it when a robot hits puberty?

- Nuts and bolts.

What's ironic about a casual screw?

He nuts and bolts

Usain Bolt wins a race in Europe [x-post from /r/meanjokes because it's not very offensive]

and goes out after to celebrate.

But he is refused service at the first pub he goes to. The barman shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we do not serve your type here."

Bolt is not happy to hear this and orders his drink again. But the barman refuses to serve him, "Sorry, there`s a place ...

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I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.

She said yes!

We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and event...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

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A Priest, a Rabbi, and an Imam join each other for a game of golf

The game is going well and all 3 are pretty even. On the 16th hole, the Rabbi drops it into a water hazard.
“Oh God, Come on!” He says, but immediately asks for forgiveness.
On the 17th hole, the Iman lines up a drive but shanks it wildly.
“God damn it!!!” He exclaims, but quickly gets on h...

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Thought this one was odd enough to share

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother fucking Manager you cock sucking arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as...

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt.

"That was dope!"

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