My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

What is the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

One could actually finish a race.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."

"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I...

Why can't Usain Bolt listen to music when he's running?

Because the silly fool keeps breaking the records.

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

Why can’t you tell usain bolt a joke?

He’ll beat you to the punch line

You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse…

I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day...

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

Today I was asked about my job manufacturing nuts and bolts

I told them it was quite riveting

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

What is the bolt's favorite sauce?

Wrench dressing

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

What did the fisherman say to the lightning bolt?

"Mr. Spark, I don't reel so good"

what's it called when a white man performs better then usain bolt?

whitening bolt.

I once heard a story about Usain Bolt’s tendency to be a womanizer

They said he really gets around

I heard Usain Bolt once won a race while resting.

He was fast asleep.

I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together.

I figured if you can't beat them, join them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.

Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."

Usain Bolt did the 100m in 9.63 seconds..

I can't do anything that quick!
It took me 10 seconds to watch him run it!

What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He awaits it at the next stop.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

When he reaches the front desk, the secretary behind the desk gives him an apologetic smile and tells him, "sorry, but blacks are not allowed at the club. There is however another club ten minutes down the road."

Furious, he replies, "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"

"Oh ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, t...

Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He’s looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt “Hi, I’m here to see about joining your new golf course” ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis

It never strikes the same place twice

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

A lot of people are talking about Usain Bolt.

I guess it's a running joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] How do mechanics have sex?

They nut and bolt.

Man: Hey Bolt! Get in the car, I'll drop you home!

Usain Bolt: Sorry dude, I'm in a hurry.

If Usain Bolt was an electrician...

His name would be Usain Volt

What do Usain Bolt and Hitler have in common?

They're both fast, but Hitler was Fascist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor and a priest are out golfing.

The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor.

"My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game.

The sailor n...

Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.

Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.

I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....

The plot was riveting!

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt.

"That was dope!"

What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom?

A runner in scoring position.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when a mechanic has sex with a girl and never sees her again?

Nut and bolt

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

Usain Bolt wins a race in Europe [x-post from /r/meanjokes because it's not very offensive]

and goes out after to celebrate.

But he is refused service at the first pub he goes to. The barman shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we do not serve your type here."

Bolt is not happy to hear this and orders his drink again. But the barman refuses to serve him, "Sorry, there`s a place ...

Usain Bolt and I have a lot in common

I can run for less than 10 seconds and enjoy smoking Degrasse

Did you hear about the woman who beat Usain Bolt?

Turns out it was race related.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Crazy man has sex with machine at laundromat and evades police

Nut screws washer and bolts

usain bolt

usain bolt, the fastest man in the world, can run almost 30mph. that means if were to run in a neighborhood, he could get pulled over by the cops...for being black.

Usain Bolt is like a Police Officer

He starts off following black men, then catches up and beats them.

What did the father lightning bolt do to his son when he miabehaved?

He grounded him.

I told her I'm a mechanical engineer

I can't fix her car, but I can screw, nut, and bolt.

A doctor was visiting a patient

She asked him 'doctor am I going to die?'
Out of pity the doctor told her the truth, 'we are all dying slowly, some just faster than others.'
The patient said, 'how fast am I dying.'
The doctor leaned over and said 'you are the usain bolt of dying.'

What did the bolt say to the nut?

"Washer? I don't even know 'er!"

I had to go to my Grandmother's funeral yesterday...

...just as the graveside service had ended, there was an almighty rumble of thunder, followed by a bolt of lightning.

My Grandfather turned to the Priest and said, "well, she's there and now it's His problem!"

Did you hear about the mechanic who slept with my wife?

He nuts and bolts

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

Thought of a great slogan for a construction company..

We screw, we nut, we bolt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sailor and a priest were playing golf.

The sailor too his first shot and it sliced wide right. The sailor said "Ah fuck, I missed."

The priest replied, surprised, "My son, you shouldn't speak that way or God will punish you."

The sailor took aim for his next shot and hooked it badly to the left. "I fucking missed again!...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife wouldn't let me go out with my mates.

My wife put her foot down and wouldn't let me go out with my friends one Friday night.
We ended up having dinner, watching a shit house rom-com and going to bed by 10pm. I was well asleep, when at midnight there was a heavy knocking at the front door. She sat bolt up and said .'Whichever one of y...

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before gett...

A man went golfing with a priest.

When he swings for the first time, he knocks the ball to the side.

"Damn," He says, "I missed."

The priest replies, "Please don't swear."

The man agrees, and they keep playing for a while longer, until they come to the third hole. The man is only a few feet away, and he swings...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An atheist and a holy man are playing golf.

The atheist misses his first shot and curses.

“Damn!”

The holy man winces. “I really don’t think you should say things like that.”

“Oh, stop being such a square,” says the atheist.

They keep playing, and a little later, the atheist misses another shot.

“God damn...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is walking past a house...

That house has a sign on it saying: Free Talking Dog! He stops, wondering what this is all about and notices an old guy sitting on the porch in a rocking chair. The guy says, "Hey, What's up with the talking dog?" The old guys answers, "He's yours if you want him." The guy scratches his head, thinki...

A Priest and a Nun Decide to Go Golfing

They get to the first hole and tee up, the nun hits her first shot and the ball goes right in the hole. The priest steps up to shoot and hits the ball straight into a sand trap.

"God damn it, I missed!"

The nun shouts back to the priest

"Father! You shouldn't take the Lord's na...