My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

Whats the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt can actually finish a race.

Why is usain bolt so dark?

He's so fast, even light cannot catch him

I bought a dog off a black smith once

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."

"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I...

Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

Why can't Usain Bolt listen to music when he's running?

Because the silly fool keeps breaking the records.

What would you call Usain Bolt if he was a spongebob squarepants fan?

The cash slinging dasher

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it'...

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

Today I was asked about my job manufacturing nuts and bolts

I told them it was quite riveting

Why can’t you tell usain bolt a joke?

He’ll beat you to the punch line

You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse…

Did you hear about when the Bride of Frankenstein helped him replace a missing neck bolt?

Turns out, all he needed was a big screw.

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

What did the fisherman say to the lightning bolt?

"Mr. Spark, I don't reel so good"

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

What is the bolt's favorite sauce?

Wrench dressing

what's it called when a white man performs better then usain bolt?

whitening bolt.

I heard Usain Bolt once won a race while resting.

He was fast asleep.

I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together.

I figured if you can't beat them, join them.

What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He awaits it at the next stop.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.

Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."

Usain Bolt did the 100m in 9.63 seconds..

I can't do anything that quick!
It took me 10 seconds to watch him run it!

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

When he reaches the front desk, the secretary behind the desk gives him an apologetic smile and tells him, "sorry, but blacks are not allowed at the club. There is however another club ten minutes down the road."

Furious, he replies, "do you know who I am? I'm Usain fucking Bolt!"

"Oh ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, t...

Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He’s looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt “Hi, I’m here to see about joining your new golf course” ...

A lot of people are talking about Usain Bolt.

I guess it's a running joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis

It never strikes the same place twice

Man: Hey Bolt! Get in the car, I'll drop you home!

Usain Bolt: Sorry dude, I'm in a hurry.

Rumours suggest Usain Bolt has been cheating on his wife. I'm amazed she hasn't caught him.

Then I remembered that he can finish in 9.58 seconds.

I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....

The plot was riveting!

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt.

"That was dope!"

What do Usain Bolt and Hitler have in common?

They're both fast, but Hitler was Fascist.

What do you call it when Usain Bolt is standing next to your mom?

A runner in scoring position.

Usain Bolt is like a Police Officer

He starts off following black men, then catches up and beats them.

What do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles call Usain Bolt?

Master Sprinter.

Usain Bolt and I have a lot in common

I can run for less than 10 seconds and enjoy smoking Degrasse

Did you hear about the woman who beat Usain Bolt?

Turns out it was race related.

Usain Bolt wins a race in Europe [x-post from /r/meanjokes because it's not very offensive]

and goes out after to celebrate.

But he is refused service at the first pub he goes to. The barman shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we do not serve your type here."

Bolt is not happy to hear this and orders his drink again. But the barman refuses to serve him, "Sorry, there`s a place ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Crazy man has sex with machine at laundromat and evades police

Nut screws washer and bolts

usain bolt

usain bolt, the fastest man in the world, can run almost 30mph. that means if were to run in a neighborhood, he could get pulled over by the cops...for being black.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two American journalists are in London.

Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and t...

What did the father lightning bolt do to his son when he miabehaved?

He grounded him.

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

A doctor was visiting a patient

She asked him 'doctor am I going to die?'
Out of pity the doctor told her the truth, 'we are all dying slowly, some just faster than others.'
The patient said, 'how fast am I dying.'
The doctor leaned over and said 'you are the usain bolt of dying.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when a mechanic has sex with a girl and never sees her again?

Nut and bolt

What did the bolt say to the nut?

"Washer? I don't even know 'er!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun and a priest are playing golf.

On the first hole, the nun hits a hole in one. The priest hits the ball into the rough. "Aw shit! I missed!" Yelles the priest. "The nun says "Do not say that or God will strike you down." On the ninth whole, the nun hits another hole in one. The priest hits the ball into the rough. "Aw shit! I miss...

Beware the Bacon Tree.

Two men wanted to be the first ones to cross a large desert near their home town. Everyone who has ever tried had either returned exhausted and near death, or hadn't returned at all. Because of this, the men knew that they needed to seek guidance. They had heard of a shaman who would give advice to ...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Big Ed joke

EDIT: Best told at parties. Draaaaggg it out before hitting them with the groaner, and walk away all pleased with yourself. :)

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In a dusty one-street Old West town — the kind of place with muddy roads, one hotel, two whorehouses, and three saloons, all on the same block — t...