UPJOKE
lockscrewbardeadboltleverriflethunderboltslapabscondbangrigidlygobblestifflysmackdash

Putin, Xi, Trump, Bolsonaro, Kim and Duterte are relaxing in bed after group coitus, when Trump sits bolt upright and says…

“Hey, hey guys? I have the best ties, the best, long, beautiful, red, nobody has ties like me, but I can’t seem to find my tie, my favourite - and not just my favourite, but many people tell me it is their favourite too, many people, in fact, someone called me up a few days ago crying, actually cry...

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What's the difference between Hitler and Usain Bolt?

Usain Bolt can actually finish a race.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

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What does a robot do after sex

He nuts and bolts…

One day, I walked into my kitchen and saw Usain Bolt there, cooking away…

I asked him, “What Jamaican?”

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

Four rabbis are having a debate

Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know...

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

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My wife told me our sex life is like Usain bolt when he runs…

In the sense that I finish in 9.58 seconds

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

A Cowboy Buys a Horse (long)

A cowboy decided to buy a horse from the preacher. As the money changed hands, the preacher warned him, “Now this isn’t a regular horse. I’ve taught this one different commands. To get him to run, you must say ‘Hallelujah!’ And to make him stop say ‘Amen’. The cowboy thanked him and the preacher lef...

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My pal reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.

Personally I think he torques out of his ass.

I just had a one night stand with a robot

That's what I call a 'nut & bolt'

What will Usain Bolt become when he dies?

A dead bolt.

If Bill Gates eats American food and Ghandi eats Indian food, what food does Usain Bolt eat?

fast food

Did you hear about the guy who broke all of Usain Bolt's records?

Completely destroyed his precious vinyl collection.

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One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it'...

New Doggy

I've just gone and bought a dog off a Blacksmith!!!

As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door!

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There once was a supercilious king who liked hunting.

To show off his abilities, He went in a jungle to kill a lion with only one bullet in his revolver. He waited in bush for lion to come. After a few hours, a lion showed up. He aimed at lion and fired his only bullet. He missed and lion ran away. He became upset and screamed, "HOLY SHIT, I F\*\*KING ...

A painter was the only painter in town...

...And he tended to take advantage of this by diluting his paint a bit with turpentine. One day he was asked to paint the church steeple. He was about half done, standing high on a ladder, when a cloud suddenly came in. It started to rain, washing away his paint, and then a bolt of lightning knocked...

how do you turn a screw into a bolt?

the spouse comes home.

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

Usain Bolt lands at an airport

his plane lands 10 minutes later.

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift.

He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'

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A priest was going golfing one day...

(I don't know if this has been posted before if it has im sorry)

And had a nun to assist him. The nun puts the ball on the tee, the priest raises his club way high over his head, and swings it down in a massive arc, missing the ball by three feet. The priest is pissed, and shouts, "God dammit...

I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road!?"

It was a running joke.

Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.

For being black.

A priest and a nun…

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damnit! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest sa...

When Usain Bolt finishes in 9 seconds the world celebrates

But when I do it my girlfriend gets disappointed...

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Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, t...

WhAt do call it when a mechanic abandons his pregnant wife?

A nut and bolt

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Some guys tricked me into having sex with a bolt.

I can’t believe I got screwed.

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

When Usain Bolt misses the bus,

he waits for it at *the next stop.*

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Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."

"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I...

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What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

What happens if you tighten a Bolt too much?

You bust a Nut

Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He’s looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt “Hi, I’m here to see about joining your new golf course” ...

Many women find Usain Bolt attractive?

So, being fast is a good thing now?

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

Why are robots bad in bed?

They just screw, nut and bolt.

is this funny?

****THE TOILET SEAT****

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came home and undressed to t...

What’s a 69?

A young lad doesn’t know what a 69 is, and approaches a hooker and asks what a 69 is.

“C’mon kid, I’ll show you”.
They proceed to her place, where they get undressed.

“Lie on the bed, and I’ll sit on your face “.
As she jumps on, she lets out a great big dirty stinking fart, that...

I put a nut on a bolt today.

It was riveting.

A pastor walked by a ranch when he noticed a sign, "Christian Horse for Sale"

Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion.

He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." Th...

What do nuts and bolts talk about?

Screwing and stripping

I heard Usain Bolt is joining a band

Turbonegro

Why is usain bolt so dark?

He's so fast, even light cannot catch him

Why can’t you tell usain bolt a joke?

He’ll beat you to the punch line

What does a toolbox and a deadbeat dad have in common?

Screws, nuts, and bolts.

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

If Usain Bolt was an electrician...

His name would be Usain Volt

What do Rastas have that makes them fear bolted doors?

Dread-locks.

Deep trouble

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a rabbi in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she ...

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

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The average speed of semen exiting the penis during ejaculation is 28 mph, which is slightly faster than Usain Bolt’s world-record running pace (27.8 mph)

If I was in a race with him, I'd come in first.

Usain Bolt wins a race in Europe [x-post from /r/meanjokes because it's not very offensive]

and goes out after to celebrate.

But he is refused service at the first pub he goes to. The barman shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we do not serve your type here."

Bolt is not happy to hear this and orders his drink again. But the barman refuses to serve him, "Sorry, there`s a place ...

A handyman was securing a bolt into a wall when he got distracted by a beautiful woman.

He ended up busting a nut.

Why can't Usain Bolt listen to music when he's running?

Because the silly fool keeps breaking the records.

what's it called when a white man performs better then usain bolt?

whitening bolt.

I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....

The plot was riveting!

Usain Bolt

Why can't usain bolt listen to music?
- Because he broke the record!

Today I was asked about my job manufacturing nuts and bolts

I told them it was quite riveting

I once heard a story about Usain Bolt’s tendency to be a womanizer

They said he really gets around

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

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[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis

It never strikes the same place twice

Ladies, don't believe it when a factory worker says he wants a long term relationship.

You'll find he screws nuts and bolts.

Why did the rusty bolt go to the bar?

To loosen up.

You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

An atheist and a Christian go golfing.

On his very first shot, The atheist shanks the ball and angrily shouts, “God Damnit, I missed!”

Then the Christian warns the Atheist, “you should be careful with your words.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

So they continue playing, many times though out the day, The atheist would miss a shot and...

I bought a pair of drums without any drumsticks, so I decided to bolt them together.

I figured if you can't beat them, join them.

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A very pious priest offers to go hunting with someone from his parish. The guy thinks the priest is a big fusspot, but accepts. [Long]

A few minutes in, the guy(Let's call him John) sees a bear, carefully takes aim, and fires.

He misses the shot, so he yells in frustration, 'Dang it! I missed the bloody bugger!'

The priest, upon hearing this, says, 'Now listen son, that won't do. Rear in your tongue, swearing is a sin...

Usain bolt must be a fruit

Have you seen that mango

(hopefully OC)

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Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.

Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

The Lone Ranger is Captured by Outlaws

The Lone Ranger is captured by outlaws. They are definitely planning on killing him, but have so much respect for the lawman that they decide to grant him 3 final requests. Upon hearing this the Lone Ranger says that he will only tell his requests to his noble steed, Silver. The bad guys agree. The ...

Usain Bolt did the 100m in 9.63 seconds..

I can't do anything that quick!
It took me 10 seconds to watch him run it!

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