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Bolt Jokes

What will Usain Bolt become when he dies?

A dead bolt.

My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.

At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.

When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."

Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"

"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler?

Usain can finish a race

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'

'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene Sir, t...

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning...

...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

Usain Bolt retires from running...

He has been bored and looking in to a new sport to take up. He’s looking through his newspaper when he sees an advert for a new golf course in his home town. He takes a walk down and asks the receptionist about signing up.

Usain Bolt “Hi, I’m here to see about joining your new golf course” ...

Fastest Bolt at the Olympics?

Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?

What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

One day, I walked into my kitchen and saw Usain Bolt there, cooking away…

I asked him, “What Jamaican?”

Usain Bolt lands at an airport

his plane lands 10 minutes later.

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

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An elderly Jew bolts into a church confessional

St Patrick’s Cathedral. He pulls the curtain and says , “Father. My name is Saul Hershkowitz. I’m 73 years old and I’ve been with a 22 year old girl. The priest says “Saul, wait a minute. You’re Jewish. Why are you telling me this? And the man says “Hey Father, I’m telling everybody”

What did the father lightning bolt do to his son when he miabehaved?

He grounded him.

how do you turn a screw into a bolt?

the spouse comes home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me our sex life is like Usain bolt when he runs…

In the sense that I finish in 9.58 seconds

Many women find Usain Bolt attractive?

So, being fast is a good thing now?

What does a robot do after a one-night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

Usain Bolt

Why can't usain bolt listen to music?
- Because he broke the record!

If Bill Gates eats American food and Ghandi eats Indian food, what food does Usain Bolt eat?

fast food

Did you hear about the guy who broke all of Usain Bolt's records?

Completely destroyed his precious vinyl collection.

Putin, Xi, Trump, Bolsonaro, Kim and Duterte are relaxing in bed after group coitus, when Trump sits bolt upright and says…

“Hey, hey guys? I have the best ties, the best, long, beautiful, red, nobody has ties like me, but I can’t seem to find my tie, my favourite - and not just my favourite, but many people tell me it is their favourite too, many people, in fact, someone called me up a few days ago crying, actually cry...

If Usain Bolt was an electrician...

His name would be Usain Volt

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

When Usain Bolt finishes in 9 seconds the world celebrates

But when I do it my girlfriend gets disappointed...

A lot of people are talking about Usain Bolt.

I guess it's a running joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a robot sex worker that only does one-night stands?

Nuts’n bolts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."

"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I...

What happens if you tighten a Bolt too much?

You bust a Nut

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some guys tricked me into having sex with a bolt.

I can’t believe I got screwed.

Why is usain bolt so dark?

He's so fast, even light cannot catch him

I put a nut on a bolt today.

It was riveting.

What do nuts and bolts talk about?

Screwing and stripping

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

usain bolt

usain bolt, the fastest man in the world, can run almost 30mph. that means if were to run in a neighborhood, he could get pulled over by the cops...for being black.

I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, "Why did the chicken cross the road!?"

It was a running joke.

What is the difference between a nut and bolt and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a nut and bolt.

Why can’t you tell usain bolt a joke?

He’ll beat you to the punch line

Why can't Usain Bolt listen to music when he's running?

Because the silly fool keeps breaking the records.

I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts.....

The plot was riveting!

Usain Bolt is very near-sighted, almost blind

The only reason he can run so fast is because he downgraded the graphics

Two boys are in the woods...

...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl...

What is the bolt's favorite sauce?

Wrench dressing

What does a toolbox and a deadbeat dad have in common?

Screws, nuts, and bolts.

Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.

For being black.

what's it called when a white man performs better then usain bolt?

whitening bolt.

You know, a lightning bolt can make all the difference.

One and you're a wizard, but two makes you a racist.

Usain Bolt did the 100m in 9.63 seconds..

I can't do anything that quick!
It took me 10 seconds to watch him run it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I'm going to get lightning bolts tattooed on my penis

It never strikes the same place twice

Usain Bolt wins a race in Europe [x-post from /r/meanjokes because it's not very offensive]

and goes out after to celebrate.

But he is refused service at the first pub he goes to. The barman shakes his head and says, "Sorry, we do not serve your type here."

Bolt is not happy to hear this and orders his drink again. But the barman refuses to serve him, "Sorry, there`s a place ...

Today I was asked about my job manufacturing nuts and bolts

I told them it was quite riveting

You know Usain Bolt's kids are called Thunder and Lightning, right? Well he had another child that got cursed by a witch.

Hex Bolt.

I was driving to work yesterday, when I spotted Usain Bolt on the sidewalk. I rolled the window down and offered him a lift.

He said 'No thanks, I'm in a rush.'

I heard Usain Bolt once won a race while resting.

He was fast asleep.

Usain Bolt is like a Police Officer

He starts off following black men, then catches up and beats them.

Man: Hey Bolt! Get in the car, I'll drop you home!

Usain Bolt: Sorry dude, I'm in a hurry.

A handyman was securing a bolt into a wall when he got distracted by a beautiful woman.

He ended up busting a nut.

Warren Gatland and Eddie Jones are both killed when a lightning bolt hits the Millennium Stadium.

In heaven, they are greeted by God and Eddie is taken to his new home, a lovely English country cottage with statues of English rugby greats and angels singing Jerusalem and Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.

He was delighted until he suddenly heard some even more beautiful singing coming from the top...

What do you call an electric bolt from the sky that profusely apologizes after zapping you?

Politning.

Did you hear about the woman who beat Usain Bolt?

Turns out it was race related.

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