Why should Bo never cook dinner on Christmas?

Because he always Burnham

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What do you call a haunted pair of breasts?

BoOoOoOoOobs

I’ve designed an aeroplane made entirely from rubber, so if it crashed, it would bounce

It’s a boing 747

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I haven't made up my mind around masturbation

Cuz on one hand it feels good.

-Bo Burnham

Eve is boing for the first bath in the lake.

First she dips her toes in the water and it feels great.
She gets into the water up to her knees and she feels amazing.
Then she goes even deeper to put in her thighs, it’s almost ecstatic.
Then she can’t resist no longer so she jumps right into the lake and starts swimming, when the god ap...

Woody walks in on Little Bo Peep and Buzz Light year in the bedroom...

Woody, baffled, says "What is going on here??"

Bo Peep Replies: "You've got a friend in me?"

What did Bo-Peep say to Woody when they were having a three way with Buzz Light-year?

You've got a friend in me.

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,

but on the other, it’s just not right.

Bob Had Terrible BO...

And no matter how much he washed or scrubbed, he couldn't get rid of it. He tried hundreds of soaps and shampoos but nothing seemed to work. He showered five times a day, kept the AC on 24/7 and avoided garlic and beans like the plague, but alas people still gagged as they walked behind him.

...

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

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I fucked a girl on an elevator.

I know that was wrong on so many levels.

(edit: source: bo Burnham)

Bo started Pig Latin school

Bo started Pig Latin school, but he had a very hard time saying his name.

The teacher eventually kicked him out of class because he couldn't "obey."

(Bo Burnham) I got my girlfriend pregnant

On a pullout couch

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Dea-th or Ka-bo-chi?

Three archaeologists are investigating a site deep in the jungles of Africa when they get caught by the jungle's tribesmen.

They are brought to the village where the village elder asks the first one.
"Dea-th or Ka-bo-chi?"
Fearing the worst, the first archeologist chooses Ka-bo-chi.<...

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

If you don't want a plane to crash

Why on earth would you call it "Boeing"?

Wanna know the difference between Bo Dietl and Bo Bice?

About three hundred pounds and a pile of African American bodies.

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Me: "Why?"

Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."

Did you know spiders go deaf if they have no legs?

Well it’s true and here’s why.

When I was a child I had a pet a spider. It was great I even trained him to jump. ‘Jump’ I’d shout and with a boing he’d leap into the air.

Well my brother saw this and in a jealous rage he pulled the spiders legs off!

I was heartbroken. ‘Jump’ I’...

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A very interesting statistic about the penis from comedian Bo Burnham

The average penis length is 5 and half inches and the average penis length of a man who google average penis length is 3 and half inches.

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78...

Because then the man is left with only $0.22...


EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

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A blonde joke

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."...

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A farmer has three daughters...

Who all have dates on the same night. Considering how protective the farmer is as a father, he sat and waited for the boys with a shotgun in hand.

The first boy showed up: “I’m Eddy, lookin’ for Betty. We plan on spaghetti from Teddy’s, is she ready?”

The farmer took a good look at the...

What do ghost cowboys wear?

BoOoOts

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Picked up a hitch hiker

***I pulled this on my boss last week. Luckily he is cool so I knew he wouldn't fire me or send me home.

The joke is way better in person and gets a huge laugh if told straight faced like a story that happened to you. Make sure you say the ending with plenty of gusto.

Here's how it go...

What do you call someone with no arms, no legs and an eyepatch?

Names.




All credit to Bo Burnham for this one.

Boris Johnson's brother Jo Johnson has quit

BoJo lost his BroJo

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A plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish captain, Josh Weinberg.

It is the first time he has flown with his Chinese co-pilot Bo Weng and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

After this protracted silence has continued for a while, the Captain mutters, 'I don't like the Chinese.. .'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copil...

Did you hear about the two bed bugs that are getting married?

They're having a lovely wedding in the spring.

If Boeing was a Spring manufacturing company,

They would name their springs “*Boing* 747”.

What do you call a Star Wars themed all you can eat restaurant?

Bo-buffet

What do you call a robot with odour problems?

C3-BO

[NSFW] Women are like squaring numbers...

... If they're under 13 you do them in your head
(Credit to bo burnham)

If jesus can walk on water,

Can he swim on land?


-BoBurnham

How do you milk a ghost?

Squeeze their BoOoOoOoOoOoOobs!

How do you call a bouncy airplane?

A Boing.

P.S. I came up with this on my own, yet have a feeling it mist've been here already, so please tell me if it's a repost. Thanks!

What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

Two of my favorites are:

1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

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[Long] This wealthy couple from New York made a trip down south...

To visit some relatives that retired down in Florida. They were big foodies and decided to make a stop in Tennessee because they had never had good southern food but had heard how good it was. They find a hole in the wall southern food joint and pulled their new Range Rover in between two old beat u...

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I've been debating with myself about masturbating...

On one hand it feels great...

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Before they can be ordained, three young men have to undergo an ordeal which will test the chastity of their thoughts.

Ordered by a priest to strip, the trio have rubber bands fastened to their private parts and are ushered into a bedroom where a beautiful girl lies naked on the bed.

After a few moments there is aloud *Boing!* The first seminarian is told to go to the showers to cool his ardour.

A mome...

What's the Chinese minister for bowling sport's name?

Bo Ling

What's the Korean minister for bowling sport's name?

Bo Ling-Pin.

Who's a great YouTuber, but a terrible cook?

Bo Burnham.

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I masterbate because

I'm the only one with standards low enough to fuck me.

- Bo Burnham

Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics....

...don't elect a joke.

(Credit to Bo Burnham)

Intrepid Engineer

A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine.

The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud "boing."
"Praise the Lord," the Christian exults, "who in h...

I asked a friend why she did a lip augmentation again.

She said *bo look bepper*.

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Beauty, self image and the ability to transform.

Martha was ugly like a shaven baboon,

So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon.

After a week she finally emerged,

She smelled like shit what a psycho.

>Credits to Bo Burnham

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Dicks and vaginas are sorta like Coke and Pepsi

I strongly prefer one, but my dad thinks they taste the same.

Credit: Bo Burnham - Love Is....

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A woman decided to get a tattoo...

...especially for her husband's birthday. As he was a fan of Brigitte Bardot she decided to get a B tattooed on each butt cheek. That night she asked her husband if he was ready for his birthday present. He was and she slowly started stripping in front of him. When the time came to take off her pant...

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In memory of B.B. King

So B.B. King met a fan of his one night. She gushed about how much she loved his music, seen him 50 times, and even got his name tattooed on her.

He asks where the tattoo is, and she says, "well, it's a little embarrassing. I actually got a "B" on each buttcheek. I was really drunk that nig...

If I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked for money, I'd still say no.

- Bo Burnham.

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Farmers and their Pig

Old, long winded, and immature. But, I always laugh at it

Three farmers had been competing at the state fair for several years now for the biggest pig contest. Each year though all three farmers would lose to a pig from another county. So, Farmer John calls farmer Brown and Farmer Dan over to...

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