Bert, at 75 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret at age 73, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen...

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

Old Bert is 90..

...and the doctor makes a visit.

"So, any ailments, Bert?"

"Not really, Doctor. I'm bit slow, but everything works."

"Really?" says the doctor. "Nothing at all?"

"Well..." says Bert. "My neck has gotten a bit stiff over the years, but once I get the rocking chair going, I...

A woman marries a man named Bert. What does Bert become?

Herbert

Everyone knows how Bert the Brown Nose reindeer got his name, but nobody knows how Rudolph did

Rudolph the regular nose reindeer was on sabbatical and took a brief trip through Portland Maine.

While Rudolph and his life partner Gary were there, they spotted a fortune teller on the other side of the street. As the pair crossed the road, a truck carrying industrial red naval paint swerv...

What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?

Sherbert!

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A soap factory had a problem.

They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve th...

Bert and Ernie are working at Ben and Jerry's when Bert invents a new flavor. He asks, "Ernie, will you name this flavor?"

"Sure, Bert."

My friend Bert disliked his name

... so he studied all the rules and laws about legally changing it. In case you have any questions about name-changing, feel free to ask him - he is now an ex-Bert.

Two elderly gentlemen sipping their beer outside a pub...

One points to a dog licking its genitals and says:

"Hey Bert, I wish I could do that"

Bert marks a pause, and replies:

"Well, I'm sure he'd let you if you gave him a biscuit"

Bert is walking with Albert through the park and says, "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith."

Albert says, "What's the name of his other leg?"

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

Why couldn't Mary Poppins keep her herb garden alive?

Because Bert kept stepping in the thyme.

What kind of cake do you get on Sesame Street?

A Bert-day cake!

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Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

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A blonde goes to a bar

and orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's breasts and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
<...

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

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I saw my neighbour crying while mowing the lawn

So I went outside to talk to him. I said:

"Tom you're a great dude but you're such a crybaby sometimes. I know your wife left you but she was a bitch! I had a girl leave me because she was sick of my shit but you don't see me bawling my eyes out about it!"

He tried to reply but his eye...

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor...

2 Cops.

Cop 1: Hey, we have a B&E case, let's go investigate.

Cop 2: *GAAAAASSP* Bert & Ernie?! My 2nd grade best friend shaved his head once and got to meet them. I never saw him again so I shaved my head hoping that I could live at Sesame Street too.

Cop 1: *facepalms* He was a Make-...

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Son of a bitch

A teenage girl goest to her priest to confess:

"Father forgive me for I have sinned".

"What did you do, my child?"

"I called Bert a son of a bitch"

"What? But why would you do that, my child?"

"Because he touched my thigh, my father"

"Ok, but see i'm touchin...

What's Fat Albert's super villain alias?

Fatal Bert.

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A man was out of work...

A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and ...

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