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Bert Jokes

Bert’s new boots

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home:

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife. “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over.
“Nope.”

Frustrated, ...

Bert: Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream?

Sherbert.

Old Bert is 90..

...and the doctor makes a visit.

"So, any ailments, Bert?"

"Not really, Doctor. I'm bit slow, but everything works."

"Really?" says the doctor. "Nothing at all?"

"Well..." says Bert. "My neck has gotten a bit stiff over the years, but once I get the rocking chair going, I...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

Bert and Ernie are working at Ben and Jerry's when Bert invents a new flavor. He asks, "Ernie, will you name this flavor?"

"Sure, Bert."

My friend Bert disliked his name

... so he studied all the rules and laws about legally changing it. In case you have any questions about name-changing, feel free to ask him - he is now an ex-Bert.

Hi Bert, I think there is a banana stuck in my ear

No Ernie, that's me

Everyone knows how Bert the Brown Nose reindeer got his name, but nobody knows how Rudolph did

Rudolph the regular nose reindeer was on sabbatical and took a brief trip through Portland Maine.

While Rudolph and his life partner Gary were there, they spotted a fortune teller on the other side of the street. As the pair crossed the road, a truck carrying industrial red naval paint swerv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clean joke

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde goes to a bar

and orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blonde woman's breasts and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens.
<...

Why does Ernie never get served ice cream?

Cause he always answers 'Sure, Bert'

Bert is walking with Albert through the park and says, "I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith."

Albert says, "What's the name of his other leg?"

asking a veterinarian for a favor

A veterinarian walks into a bar for an after work drink, when he is approached by Bert, one of his best clients. "Hey doc," Bert says sadly. "I need to make an appointment to bring my St. Bernard in tomorrow and have you cut off her tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible...

Two elderly gentlemen sipping their beer outside a pub...

One points to a dog licking its genitals and says:

"Hey Bert, I wish I could do that"

Bert marks a pause, and replies:

"Well, I'm sure he'd let you if you gave him a biscuit"

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son of a bitch

A teenage girl goest to her priest to confess:

"Father forgive me for I have sinned".

"What did you do, my child?"

"I called Bert a son of a bitch"

"What? But why would you do that, my child?"

"Because he touched my thigh, my father"

"Ok, but see i'm touchin...

What kind of cake do you get on Sesame Street?

A Bert-day cake!

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

Why couldn't Mary Poppins keep her herb garden alive?

Because Bert kept stepping in the thyme.

What's Fat Albert's super villain alias?

Fatal Bert.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

Guy named Ross gets a new job as a school bus driver...

He gets a bus that has Bert and Ernie, Grover, Big Bird, et. al. painted on it. He says "Are you kidding me?". Boss replies, "Once you have some seniority we'll give you a newer bus."

So, he sets out on the run and at his first stop a boy gets on. Ross says, "Hi. I'm your new bus driver, ...

My wife asked me ‘What’s Harry Potter’s owl called’?

I paused and said OWL-BERT

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was out of work...

A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and ...

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