Two men are robbing a liquor store…

One says, ‘Is this whisky?’

‘Yes’, the other replies, ‘but not as whisky as wobbing a bank’

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Escaped prisoner robbing a Couple

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.
The husband ...

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What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

EDIT 4:HOLY CRAP THANKS FOR THE ARGENTIUM!!!

It's hard work robbing bakeries.

No pain, no gain.

A group of mathematicians were recently caught for robbing,

According to the police reports, their days were numbered.

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Jesse James was robbing a passenger train

Jesse James was robbing a passenger train.

He takes up all the money and says "I'm robbing this train. I'm gonna fuck all the men."

This lady got up and said "Mister Jesse James, you mean all the women!"

And there's this punk on there and he got up and said "Hey lady, who's r...

I remember when I was on trial for robbing a joke shop

Prosecutor should've checked his chair before he sat down

Why did the Penguin get away with robbing the Gotham City Central Bank?

Because Batman doesn’t go downtown.

My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money.

He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:

“I followed the con-text clues.”

I almost got arrested for robbing a hat store...

It was a cloche call!

An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman...

...are robbing the manor house.

One of them trips the alarm and before you know it the cops arrive with sirens blaring and lights flashing.

The three unlucky gents are in the kitchen, and looking around the Scotsman spies three empty sacks in the corner..." right lads....in the sacks...

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were robbing a pet sore...

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were robbing a pet store.
Suddenly the cops show up and they all quickly hide in sacks.
The cops kick the first sack with the Englishman in and he goes "meow".
They move on and kick the second sack and the Scotsman goes "woof".
They then kick t...

Most people call it grave robbing...

I prefer to call it crypto-currency

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back,

"This is no time to be superstitious."

Two robbers are robbing a bank

When they open the first vault, they find a cup of milk.


One of them says: "Weird, why would you put a cup of milk in a vault?"


When they open the second vault, they find another cup of milk.


And so on, untill they have opened all the vaults.


Robber 1: "Ma...

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A group of strippers are robbing their old establishment

One turns to the rest and says "So what are we taking?"



"The cash register!" one says,



"The gold decorations!" says another,



Soon the conversation devolves into chaos and yelling,



One turns to the others and says "Alright guys, let's just t...

A perfect robbery

Three men are being chased by the police after robbing a store

They find a barn and run into quick, where they find 3 barrels

They each jump into a barrel

The police come into the barn and tap on each barrel

On the first barrel the officer taps

He hears "woof woof"...

What does a strawberry say when it’s robbing a bank?

Hands up, this is a strawbery.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town’s cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back t...

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

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What did the Reddit user say after robbing a bank?

Fuck there's no gold left because of how many times this has been reposted

Burglar was robbing his own house. When asked what are you doing ?

He said "working from home"

A serial burglar goes on a spree

A serial burglar goes on a spree, robbing homes in an affluent neighborhood. Day after day he steals thousands of dollars worth of jewelry, cash, and other small easily transportable valuables. No one can figure out how he does it because half the time the victims are home at the time, but they neve...

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Two penises are robbing a bank...

A vibrator walks in, and one penis says to the other “oh fuck. It’s Robocop”

(Courtesy of Die Antwoord)

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Osama Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and Hitler are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first?

A black guy

I saw 4 guys robbing some old lady and I intervened

It was not worth it, she only had $20

A man had been in jail for robbing a bank for many years now...

The police still haven't located the stolen money. One day his wife sent a letter to him asking, "I want to plant a garden in the backyard, should I do so?" The man, knowing that every letter sent in and out had been read, wrote back "No don't do it in the backyard, that's where my loot is hidden!...

Why did the amputee have such bad luck robbing banks?

He wasn't armed.

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A man was robbing a house

He snuck in at the dead of night, the owners weren’t home. Good. He started to clear the expensive stuff off the shelves in the living room, he reached for an expensive-looking pen on display when he heard a distant voice whisper “Jesus is watching you”

Startled, he looked around yet saw no o...

I got arrested for robbing a prosthetic store.

I decided to fight the charges. The way I see it, they don't have a leg to stand on.

While robbing a house a burglar hears Jesus is watching you

As he continues to rob the house he hears this again and continues to be confused. Eventually he runs into a cage with a sheet over it. When he removes the sheet he finds a parrot inside the cage and asks it its name. The parrots tells him his name is Ralph the burglar then ask the parrot who Jesus ...

I got arrested today for robbing a McDonald’s with a plastic knife.

I’m currently facing ten years in jail for armed burgerly.

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

Did you hear about the cowboys who deny robbing the glue factory?

They're sticking to their guns.

If I see someone robbing an Apple Store...

Does that make me i-Witness?

What’s a bank robbing dogs favorite weapon?

A pawed-off shotgun.

The cops picked up a couple of spices for robbing a bank. Oregano says he won’t talk,

But only Thyme will tell.






Credit to u/hawt_pawket for helping me.

[OC] What do you call a ghost robbing a bank?

A polter-heist

How much cash can you make robbing an Indian restaurant?

As much as you can curry.

Indians Robbing a Bank

An Indian man tries to rob a bank. He walks out of the bank with no money. The getaway driver asks him “Where’s the money? And why do you have so many computers?” The bank robber replies “They thougth I was tech support.”

Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick

Why did the thieves get caught after robbing the Louvre?

Cause they didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the van Gogh.

Quickly after robbing my bakery, a man got a severe headache

Serves him right. It's not his grain, it's migraine

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