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Robbing Jokes

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For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

Two newfies are robbing a house

Two newfies (guys from Newfoundland) are robbing a house.

One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home's owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes "Miiaaowwww" imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling "God damn it, stupid cat"...

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"
...

What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?

Edit:OMG thanks for the silver

Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold

EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store.

One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"


The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Escaped prisoner robbing a Couple

After being in prison for 15 years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom.
The husband ...

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

Most people call it grave robbing...

I prefer to call it crypto-currency

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says fine, it’ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames. The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife doing his brother.

The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. That’ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit, says the devil. So be it, says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.


Now I want to call home, says the Russian, and grabs the receiv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Osama Bin Laden, Josef Stalin and Hitler are robbing a bank, who do the cops shoot first?

A black guy

Two blonde robbers were robbing a hotel.

The first one said - I hear sirens. Jump.

The other replied - But we are on the 13th floor.

The first one yelled - This is no time to be superstitious.

It's hard work robbing bakeries.

No pain, no gain.

Elmer Fudd and Bugs bunny are planning to rob a distillery.

Bugs asks Elmer “if it is whiskey”? Elmer replies, “yes, but not as whiskey as robbing a bank”!

A group of mathematicians were recently caught for robbing,

According to the police reports, their days were numbered.

Two robbers are robbing a bank

When they open the first vault, they find a cup of milk.


One of them says: "Weird, why would you put a cup of milk in a vault?"


When they open the second vault, they find another cup of milk.


And so on, untill they have opened all the vaults.


Robber 1: "Ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesse James was robbing a passenger train

Jesse James was robbing a passenger train.

He takes up all the money and says "I'm robbing this train. I'm gonna fuck all the men."

This lady got up and said "Mister Jesse James, you mean all the women!"

And there's this punk on there and he got up and said "Hey lady, who's r...

I remember when I was on trial for robbing a joke shop

The Prosecutor should've checked his chair before he sat down

2 men are robbing an apartment...

...when they hear sirens outside the building.

"We need to jump!" says the first man.
The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"

"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.

Did you hear about the man who went out for some exercise and ended up robbing a Chinese restaurant?

Police say he told his wife he was just going to take a wok.

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were robbing a pet sore...

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman were robbing a pet store.
Suddenly the cops show up and they all quickly hide in sacks.
The cops kick the first sack with the Englishman in and he goes "meow".
They move on and kick the second sack and the Scotsman goes "woof".
They then kick t...

Indians Robbing a Bank

An Indian man tries to rob a bank. He walks out of the bank with no money. The getaway driver asks him “Where’s the money? And why do you have so many computers?” The bank robber replies “They thougth I was tech support.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two penises are robbing a bank...

A vibrator walks in, and one penis says to the other “oh fuck. It’s Robocop”

(Courtesy of Die Antwoord)

How much cash can you make robbing an Indian restaurant?

As much as you can curry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was robbing a house

He snuck in at the dead of night, the owners weren’t home. Good. He started to clear the expensive stuff off the shelves in the living room, he reached for an expensive-looking pen on display when he heard a distant voice whisper “Jesus is watching you”

Startled, he looked around yet saw no o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of strippers are robbing their old establishment

One turns to the rest and says "So what are we taking?"



"The cash register!" one says,



"The gold decorations!" says another,



Soon the conversation devolves into chaos and yelling,



One turns to the others and says "Alright guys, let's just t...

A man sees his shed being robbed...

A man, about to crawl into bed with his wife for the night, looks out his window to see 3 men robbing his shed. So, he calls the police. "Hello, I see three men stealing from my shed, can you please send someone down here?" The operator replies, "I'm sorry sir, but there's no units available in your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Reddit user say after robbing a bank?

Fuck there's no gold left because of how many times this has been reposted

What did the strawberry say before robbing a house?

"Hands up, this is a stroberry."

Why did the Penguin get away with robbing the Gotham City Central Bank?

Because Batman doesn’t go downtown.

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

Why did the amputee have such bad luck robbing banks?

He wasn't armed.

I got arrested for robbing a prosthetic store.

I decided to fight the charges. The way I see it, they don't have a leg to stand on.

My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money.

He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:

“I followed the con-text clues.”

What’s a bank robbing dogs favorite weapon?

A pawed-off shotgun.

Robbing the congressman

Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"

"Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

What does robbing a Scotsman get you?

Kilt

With everyone being so scared of COVID-19, robbing banks should be easier.

Take it from me, I robbed one yesterday, and I didn’t even have to bring a gun, I just threatened to cough on them.

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

I saw 4 guys robbing some old lady and I intervened

It was not worth it, she only had $20

Burglar was robbing his own house. When asked what are you doing ?

He said "working from home"

[OC] What do you call a ghost robbing a bank?

A polter-heist

Did you hear about the cowboys who deny robbing the glue factory?

They're sticking to their guns.

Why did the thieves get caught after robbing the Louvre?

Cause they didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the van Gogh.

Detectives finally arrest two men suspected of robbing a 3M plant.

But they couldn’t find any evidence that would stick

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