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The kidnap

A blonde is running a little short of cash, so she goes to the playground and kidnaps Johnny.

She takes him to her home and writes a note:

\- “If you want to see Johnny again, leave $10,000 in unmarked bills in a plain paper bag by the merry-go-round at the playground by 8 AM tomorro...

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to him.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It’s okay, he woke up

My wife was kidnapped by two mime artists

She said they did some unspeakable things to her!

How do you kidnap a vegan?

Chlorophyll.

Got kidnapped on my birthday party…

Guess I was taken by surprise.

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said,

“We want ten thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again."

an immunologist and a cardiologist are kidnapped...

the kidnapper threatens to shoot one of them. but will spare the one who has made the greater contribution to mankind. the cardiologist says " i've developed drugs that saved millions of lives". the kidnapper turns to the immunologist: " and what have you done...? " the immunologist pauses and then ...

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

Was awoken this morning by a loud banging on my front door. Got up and someone was there yelling and screaming in terror “Help! Help! there is a crazy person trying to kidnap me.” They kept screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs and banging on the door.

Finally got so annoying I unlocked the door and let them out.

The traffic jam in Russia.

There is a massive traffic jam somewhere in Russia. A driver sits idling in his car.

Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Putin and are asking for a 20 million rubel ransom!...

Blondes

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ...

A wife asked her husband,If you got a million dollars as lottery and kidnappers kidnapped me and asked a ransom of million dollars, what would you do?

The husband said, I don't think I could get 2 jackpots on the same day.

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British man, a Japanese man and an American man are kidnapped by cannibals...

The chief says to them: "First, you die. Then, we eat you. Then we make your skin into canoe. But you may choose how you die."


The British man says: "Gun."


The cannibals give him a gun that they took from a previous captive. The british man shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and ...

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

Two blondes were kidnaped and they later started to make up a plan to escape.

The first one said: Lets go whit the fence, if the fence is small we will jump to the other side, if the fence is to hight we will dig a tunel to the other side.

The second one says: Thats a great idea!

Then she goes to check the fence and comes back whait a sad face.

the other ...

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them,...

6 Men kidnap a blonde

They let go of her after being paid the ransom. Now the blonde is being questioned by the cops,for info on the kidnappers.

Cop:Mam, did you get a good look at them?

Blonde:No they were wearing masks.

Cop: Do you have anything to help us with the case?

Blonde: Yes I do...

What's a kidnapped child's favourite Christmas Carol?

Away with a stranger

OMFG!! there was a kidnapping in my neighborhood!

It took both parents almost a minute to wake him up.

I stopped a kidnapping last night.

The parents had just gotten it to sleep, too.

I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today

My self control is really improving

What do we call kidnapping?

Surprise Adoption

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

A serial killer started kidnapping and killing all female cousins of his mother & father.

When arrested and asked for reasons, he said, “I just heard that you need Aunty-bodies to build immunity against Covid.”

[BREAKING NEWS] There’s been a kidnapping at Lakewood Elementary School today

It’s ok, he woke up.

The Cechnyan mob kidnaps two Czechs, two Irishmen, two Englishmen, and two Americans.

A ransom note is sent to each respective countries' embassy, demanding the equivalent of $25 million,or they will kill the hostages.

After two weeks, they receive responses from each embassy.

The English, Irish, and American embassy all state that they do not negotiate with terrorist...

Need help finding baby formula for the newborn

My wife came out of the hospital this morning but she is not able to lactate the newborn. I need to buy the baby formula. Is it absolutely necessary to know the baby weight to decide which type of milk to get?
We don't have a scale right here and can't ask my wife as she is being interrogated fo...

My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.

In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.

I witnessed a kidnapping today.

I let him sleep.

A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "

A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
...

Sting was kidnapped last night...

The Police are looking for a lead.

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

We kidnapped your wife and are sending you her thumb. We'll kill her if you don't pay us 100000 USD.

The thumb can belong to anyone. Send her head instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school today?

The teacher was pissed when they woke him up!



Credit to guy at work who speaks very little English. He walked into the room and said this aloud to a group of maybe 5 people, everyone got concerned for the child's safety real quick. Only to erupt in laughter minutes later.

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

What happens if the hero of time gets kidnapped?

He becomes the missing link

The man who kidnapped me was named Dave Green.

But everyone keeps calling him Mike Aptor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the men I kidnap and jerk off against their will?

Stroke Victims.

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

There was a kidnapping in my neighborhood.

After about half an hour of nap, the kid woke up and went to play.

As a result of rising gas prices...

kidnap victims will no longer be taken to a second location.

A man broke into a convent one day, intent on kidnapping a nun.

Bursting through the door, he swept the first nun he saw off her feet and threw her over his shoulder. Police arrive on the scene just as the kidnapper escaped through the front door.

The first cop shouted “What the hell, man” as the kidnapper fled on foot, nun over his shoulder.

“No ...

I'm so good at being kidnapped.

I can do it with my arms tied behind my back.

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

Have you heard about the kidnapping at the school this morning?

All good! He woke up already.

a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said:

Akey

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens.

They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.

I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

Ladies please stop asking Santa for the perfect man

That fella has tried to kidnap me 4 times this week

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many kidnapped children does it take to change a lightbulb?

I thought 12, but the basements still dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”

The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.

Next, the Swedish man screams a...

Why did the man kidnap 100 children and kill 10 of them?

So that only 90 kids will remember.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?

Don't get carried away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Female aliens are invading earth and kidnapping men with large cocks.

You're in no danger. I'm just writing you to say goodbye.

Kidnapper called my boss after kidnapping his mother in-law..

And said - If you fail to deliver the money, we will release her.

The cops broke down the door and asked Rosemary about the kidnapping

She claimed that she didn't have the Thyme

A communist kidnaps a billionaire.

A communist extremist captures and kidnaps a well known billionaire. Several rescue operations and search missions took place, but they could not find the billionaire. Eventually however, the communist was caught, and arrested. In order to help find the billionaire, the communist was interrogated. <...

Pickpockecting is the same as kidnapping.

If your victim is a kangaroo!

My kid got kidnapped

Better ask my goats to make a new one.

A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.

She writes a random note:

“I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.

PS. No cops!

- Blonde.”

Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she sm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dont know why its called kidnapping,

Ive never got one of those little bastards to fall asleep

When I was in middle school, I was kidnapped by a terrorist organization.

Al-gebra.

Is kidnapping legal?

Me: kidnapping I prefer the term surprise adoption
Police: what crack are you on

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How I would kidnap pedophiles.

Have a white van advertisting free kids.

Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped?

An abduction.

I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.

There was a kidnapping at a local middle school recently

The teacher had to wake him up right away


(Taken from a 3rd grader I coach)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what I’d do if I saw a kidnapping?

I’d wake him up, the lazy bastard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I kidnapped this girl last night...

And she yelled "Please, I don't want to die a virgin!". If that isn't consent, I don't know what is.

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