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Kidnap Jokes

The kidnap

A blonde is running a little short of cash, so she goes to the playground and kidnaps Johnny.

She takes him to her home and writes a note:

\- “If you want to see Johnny again, leave $10,000 in unmarked bills in a plain paper bag by the merry-go-round at the playground by 8 AM tomorro...

Congress gets kidnapped

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 ...

I witnessed a kidnap today....

On his mommy lap.

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground,
grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told
him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped
your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper
bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the
slide on the North side of the...

6 Men kidnap a blonde

They let go of her after being paid the ransom. Now the blonde is being questioned by the cops,for info on the kidnappers.

Cop:Mam, did you get a good look at them?

Blonde:No they were wearing masks.

Cop: Do you have anything to help us with the case?

Blonde: Yes I do...

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

Was awoken this morning by a loud banging on my front door. Got up and someone was there yelling and screaming in terror “Help! Help! there is a crazy person trying to kidnap me.” They kept screaming and yelling at the top of their lungs and banging on the door.

Finally got so annoying I unlocked the door and let them out.

I was kidnapped by mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones.

If I ever see him again I'll tear him apart with my bear hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the men I kidnap and jerk off against their will?

Stroke Victims.

Why did the man kidnap 100 children and kill 10 of them?

So that only 90 kids will remember.

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

I Was Kidnapped By A Gang Of Mimes, Once

They did unspeakable things.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How I would kidnap pedophiles.

Have a white van advertisting free kids.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school for the deaf?

Neither did they.

My wife was kidnapped by two mime artists

She said they did some unspeakable things to her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British man, a Japanese man and an American man are kidnapped by cannibals...

The chief says to them: "First, you die. Then, we eat you. Then we make your skin into canoe. But you may choose how you die."


The British man says: "Gun."


The cannibals give him a gun that they took from a previous captive. The british man shouts "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" and ...

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

I stopped a woman from being kidnapped today

My self control is really improving

What do you call a computer programmer that likes to kidnap children?

A PDFile.

Two brothers are knights, and one is kidnapped by a foul witch

The older brother goes to rescue his brother from the clenches of the awful witch. When he arrives, he points his sword at her and demands that she let his brother go.

"You cannot kill me with that sword, pitiful knight," she says, "for I am far too powerful. You must offer me something in ...

What do you call an impatient man from Bangkok who moved to the capital city of the Republic of China for a writing job, got kidnapped, covered in multicolored paint and restrained with rope?

A tied-up, tye-dyed, Type-A, Taipei-Thai typist.

Did you hear? Sting was kidnapped!

The Police still have no lead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Female aliens are invading earth and kidnapping men with large cocks.

You're in no danger. I'm just writing you to say goodbye.

an immunologist and a cardiologist are kidnapped...

the kidnapper threatens to shoot one of them. but will spare the one who has made the greater contribution to mankind. the cardiologist says " i've developed drugs that saved millions of lives". the kidnapper turns to the immunologist: " and what have you done...? " the immunologist pauses and then ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried kidnapping Stephen Hawking the other day...

Had the blindfold the bastard so he'd stop yelling for help.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets pulled over by the police...

The officer asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"No I don't officer," he replies

"You were speeding. That's going to be big ticket in this area."

"Well, you caught me, and while I'm at it, I might as well be honest with you. I have a dead body in the trunk along with some...

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said,

“We want ten thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many kidnapped children does it take to change a lightbulb?

I thought 12, but the basements still dark.

I stopped a kidnapping last night.

The parents had just gotten it to sleep, too.

What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?

Don't get carried away.

What do we call kidnapping?

Surprise Adoption

I witnessed a kidnapping today.

I let him sleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

What's a kidnapped child's favourite Christmas Carol?

Away with a stranger

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia…

An Italian man is kidnapped by the mafia, who want him to tell them where his company’s money is hidden. They put him in a chair at gunpoint and demand the location, but he won’t tell them a single word.

After a while, the mafia members decide that he isn’t going to be of any use to them,...

OMFG!! there was a kidnapping in my neighborhood!

It took both parents almost a minute to wake him up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dont know why its called kidnapping,

Ive never got one of those little bastards to fall asleep

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I kidnapped this girl last night...

And she yelled "Please, I don't want to die a virgin!". If that isn't consent, I don't know what is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German Man, A Swedish Man, and an Israeli Man Are Kidnapped by ISIS

“Listen up infidels,” says the ISIS member, you have on last with before I kill you.”

The German pleads for mercy, “Germany has always embraced your people, what have I done to deserve this ?” After no answer, he deicdes he wants sausage and a good beer.

Next, the Swedish man screams a...

Is kidnapping legal?

Me: kidnapping I prefer the term surprise adoption
Police: what crack are you on

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.

In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.

I'm so good at being kidnapped.

I can do it with my arms tied behind my back.

A communist kidnaps a billionaire.

A communist extremist captures and kidnaps a well known billionaire. Several rescue operations and search missions took place, but they could not find the billionaire. Eventually however, the communist was caught, and arrested. In order to help find the billionaire, the communist was interrogated. <...

Two blondes were kidnaped and they later started to make up a plan to escape.

The first one said: Lets go whit the fence, if the fence is small we will jump to the other side, if the fence is to hight we will dig a tunel to the other side.

The second one says: Thats a great idea!

Then she goes to check the fence and comes back whait a sad face.

the other ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to sell some of my guns today

Times are rough, inflation is a bitch, and I need the cash so I decided to sell some of my guns.

I met the buyer at a public location, and being a responsible gun owner I decided to run a background check.

Within 5 minutes I discovered the buyer has a history of extortion, kidnapping, ...

Pickpockecting is the same as kidnapping.

If your victim is a kangaroo!

The man who kidnapped me was named Dave Green.

But everyone keeps calling him Mike Aptor.

A guys wife gets kidnapped

A week later he gets a ransom package


In there was a note asking for $10,000 and there’s a wedding ring with a finger still attached and a piece of an ear


He writes back “Please send more proof”....

A mobster kidnaps a biologist, an electrical engineer, and a physicist

He sits them down and tells them, "I need a way to win a horse race every time. You are each going to think up a plan for doing this... Or else. "

A week later, the biologist walks in, "It's simple. We drug the horses with this series of amphetamines and steroids that I've come up with. "
...

There was a kidnapping in my neighborhood.

After about half an hour of nap, the kid woke up and went to play.

Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens.

They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.

I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

What happens if the hero of time gets kidnapped?

He becomes the missing link

Little joke I thought of: What do you call a duck being kidnapped?

An abduction.

I'll quietly leave through this conveniently placed door.

I saw a kidnapping in the park

Pretty soon a policeman was there, he told the kid he's not allowed to sleep there.

What does the kidnapped foodcritic scream?

Yelp

The Cechnyan mob kidnaps two Czechs, two Irishmen, two Englishmen, and two Americans.

A ransom note is sent to each respective countries' embassy, demanding the equivalent of $25 million,or they will kill the hostages.

After two weeks, they receive responses from each embassy.

The English, Irish, and American embassy all state that they do not negotiate with terrorist...

Trump gets kidnapped

Few days later his kidnappers go public and demand 20 million dollars or they return him to the White house.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school today?

The teacher was pissed when they woke him up!



Credit to guy at work who speaks very little English. He walked into the room and said this aloud to a group of maybe 5 people, everyone got concerned for the child's safety real quick. Only to erupt in laughter minutes later.

As a result of rising gas prices...

kidnap victims will no longer be taken to a second location.

Kidnapper called my boss after kidnapping his mother in-law..

And said - If you fail to deliver the money, we will release her.

I kidnapped my neighbour's dog.

Let's see how he likes the constant barking.

Have you heard about the kidnapping at the school this morning?

All good! He woke up already.

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