The 120+ Best Bill Jokes

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

My friend said she couldn't afford to pay her huge water bill

So I sent her a "get well soon" card.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar Sits at the bar and orders a drink. He pays with a $100 bill and refuses the change. Just when he's about to take a drink, this little guy - not even a foot tall - runs across the bar and knocks the drink out of his hand. The little guy jumps off the bar and disappears.

The bartender, really confused, pours him another drink. The guy pays him $100 and refuses the change again. Just as he's about to sip his drink, the little guy appears, knocks the drink to the floor and runs off again.

Now the bartender pours him another drink and asks him about the little g...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don’t remember the rest.

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service

Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk.

Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you”

Bil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary after having sex?

"I'll be home in 15 minutes."

A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole.

“What on earth are you doing?” he asks his buddy.

His friend replies “I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain’t going down there for ten bucks”.

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

Bill and Melinda Gates woke up today and said...

May divorce be with you.

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill

The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.

The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning.

He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

Hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.

Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.

Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates in an airport lounge

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approac...

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked

For an experiment, a chemistry teacher takes out a $20 bill and put it's in a bottle of ethanol. He then ask his students if it will dissolve.

*A student raise his hand to answer.*

Student: No it won't dissolve sir.

Teacher: Really good! Now can you explain to the rest of the class why?

Student: You're so cheap, there's no way you would've sacrificed that $20.

Bill Cosby enters in a bar ...

... i don't know what happens next because I suddenly woke up in a motel's room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

How is Santa like Bill Cosby?

Neither will come if you're awake.

The phone bill was exceptionally high...

.... so the husband called a family meeting to discuss the issue.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too. I hardly use our home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I always use my office mobile, I never touch the home phone.
...

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID

none of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently

Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?

So the chicken could cross the road

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you seen a 20 dollar bill crumpled up?

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the c...

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills?

Bernadette

So, Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper...

So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

I asked the cashier “Could you give me small change instead of bills? I need money for the bus “

She said “That’s fare”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, and due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.

It only costs $10."

Bill figur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

What do John F Kennedy and Bill Clinton have in common?

Both of their political careers ended with a stained dress.

What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a small fencing sword?

One's a little rapier...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.

Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

My Uncle Bill used to tell me that the secret to great theatre was ‘always leave them wanting more’…..

Lovely bloke, terrible anaesthetist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates wakes up one morning...

...goes downstairs and is shocked to see his two polish housekeepers are nowhere to be seen.

He yells for his wife "Honey, where the hell have the maids gone?"

"Oh, Steve Jobs knocked on the door this morning" Replied his wife. "He offered both the house keepers twice what you're payin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope die at the same time.

There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.

After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward to meet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill and Hillary

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, “I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it ...

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?

His name is Tim

What is Bill Nye's real name?

William New Year's Eve

Bill wakes up with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clea...

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

Duck billed platypus.

Platypus paid duck.

ABORTION BILL

A congressional aide asks a politician, "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"
The politician replied, "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you a...

Bill Belichick was in my store earlier and whilst I was serving him he said “listen, I need a quarterback. Think you could do that for me son?”

I said “wow, really?! You want me to play in the NFL?”

He said “No moron, this drink costs 75c and I gave you a dollar”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer Bill goes into a bar and is greeted by the bartender.

Joe: "Hey bill, what’s up? You look awful"

Bill: "Oh it's really bad. I don't wanna talk about it."

Joe: "Come on. You know you can tell me anything."

Bill: "No, there are things you just CAN'T explain."

Bill talks a little more to Joe and after two beer he finally ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these heada...

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill

But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.

I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass.

The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.

We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the el...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

If Reese Witherspoon married Bill Withers

...she'd have to give up the poon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......

She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.

Monica says "That's not a clock".

To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".

Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire

...on average.

Why did Ed Gein oppose the Anti Deranged Creep bill?

He had skin in the game!!!

My local Chinese restaurant has been hit with a £10k electricity bill.

They said they can't turn off all the lights but they do dim sum.

There was a party one day and Slow Bill was invited...

Slow Bill was quite a slow thinker, so he started walking around.

He saw some people dancing while others waited and asked what this was.

"Slow Bill, that's the dance line." Said another guest.

He kept walking and saw people waiting to grab something off the table, and asked aga...

Reporter: Herschel Walker, what do you think of the latest abortion bill?

Herschel Walker: I think we should pay it.

My landlord wants to talk to me about why my heating bill is so high.

I told him my door is always open.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

Bill Cosby just moved in next door

He’s been on top of the house replacing broken shingles, and fixing leaks. Turns out he’s a very experienced roofer

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

Bill was a clerk in a small drugstore,

...........but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Dave, the owner, had had about enough and warned Bill that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and asked Bill for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, Bill coul...

Policeman: You’re going to prison for forgery.

Me: *Slides him a $37 bill*. What about now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?”
The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.”
The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?”
“First, you have to drink this entire bo...

If you robbed a bank. You wouldn't have to worry about rent, food, or any bills for about 20 years.

If you get busted for it ,or not.

I have an idea of a game show with Bill Cosby as the host.

It's called "You Snooze, You Lose."

My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography...

But it put her to sleep.

In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of our lives.

What's the difference between a dollar bill and a politician?

One will give you change.

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth

He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

Singer Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear'

Who wrote telephone hold music.

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game...

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. During the opening ceremonies, their secret service agent goes to Bill and whispers something in his ear. Bill looks up at the agent and says "I'm not sure I can do that". The agent then says "Well, sir, it's the teams and fans request and I think we ...

Change for a $15 bill

An incompentent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his ...

How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their second date?

"Hey Bill, nice to meet you."

I cut my phone bill in half!

It only took a moment and I wasn't going to pay it anyway.

What's the difference between a drug dealer and Bill Cosby?

When you meet a dealer in a secluded area, you have to pay for the drugs.

One for the Aussies: So after the break-up of Cold Chisel, Ian Moss approached Mick Jagger and Keith Richards about replacing the recently departed Bill Wyman.

But everyone knows a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.

Bill Gates met Arnold Schwarzenegger at a party.

He asked him if he had upgraded to Windows 10 yet. Big Arnie replied:

Ah still love Vista baby...

I once made a belt out of $100 bills

Turns out it was just a waist of money

Bill and Bob met at the local bar after work.

Bob said to Bill, "So you were going to propose to Lisa yesterday evening. Are congratulations in order?"

Bill said, "Not yet. They'll have to wait."

Bob asked, "How long?"

"It could be a while," replied Bill, "she said I'm the last person she'll marry."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Bill Cosby cry during sex?

Pepper spray.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbledupon a Genie's lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it...

Counterfeit $1 bills reportedly found in circulation

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

I don’t know who this Bill guy is,

Can somebody tell me why they keep on sending me mail?

My local Chinese takeaway is really struggling with cost of energy bills

They don't want to turn all the lights off, but they do dim sum

I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill...

These are the darkest days of my life...

Netflix’s new subscription fees are so high I’ve had to stop paying the heating bill,

Brings a whole new meaning to Netflix and chill…

Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office

Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."

Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."

When Bill Cosby passes away I'm going to dress as his final resting place for Halloween.

I hope my Cos Tomb gets compliments.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

The 15-dollar bill

The local barber was showing the guys in his barber shop a novelty 15 dollar bill he had bought in a novelty store.

They were all laughing at how phony it looked, when one of the guys commented that his dumb brother was heading their way, and that he was dumb enough to think their bill was a ...

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.

They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.

What did Mr. T say after throwing five $10 bills off the diving board?

I fitty da pool!

Bill Gates is hanging out with GM's Chairman...

Gates is in a taunting mood. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would Bill gates's porn star name be?

Microsoft

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill and Joe hadn't seen each other in a long time and run in to each other in town.

After greetings and handshakes, Joe says to Bill, "you look like you've lost a lot of weight, have you been sick?

Bill "yes, I have terrible allergies, and every time I sneeze, I ejaculate."

Joe "Oh no, what do you take for that?"

Bill "ragweed!"

My girlfriend's nickname for me is Bill Gates...

She said it's because I've got a micro soft too.

My New Year's Resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language.

I don't have a clue how I'm going to get all that done in two days

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.