A young boy runs into the house and excited shows his mother a 50$ bill he found in the park.

Are you sure it was lost, his mother asked. Yes, the boy replied, I am positive, I even saw the guy looking for it.

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Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.

Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night ...

What do you call a duck with no bill?

A Noble duck :)

What does Bill Gates say when he dislikes something?

Bill Hates.

A duck waddles into the drug store and says, “Sorry, I don’t have my wallet today but I need to buy a condom.” The pharmacist says, “No problem. Shall I just put it on your bill?”

The duck exclaims, “Sir! What kind of a duck do you think I am?”

Due to inflation a man had to carry a wheelbarrow filled with $1 billion dollars, all in $1 bills

All the banks fail so he has to store his money in a wheelbarrow

He carries the wheelbarrow around town looking for things to buy with his enormous amount of money

He can’t buy anything since even the simplest thing like an apple or a banana cost $2 billion dollars

One day he...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

I watched a Quentin Tarantino film the other night. Kill Bill, Volume 1.

Couldn’t hear a thing.

My girlfriend had dinner with Bill Cosby last night

He bought the food she covered the drinks.

A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit...

"Why are you doing that?" asked the keeper.
"The sign says it's okay," replied the visitor.
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does. It says, 'Do not feed. $10 fine.'"

A man ventured into a restaurant that showed a sign saying Whatever you could eat, and we would get the bill to get paid by your grandchildren.

When he finished and about to leave the waiter brought him the bill, he snapped saying but you said my grandchildren were to pay, the waiter replied, sure but this one is for your grandfather.

Bill and Bob go hunting. They split up, and Bob soon finds Bill with a snake bite in his neck.

Bob calls 911, and says “I went hunting with my friend and I just found him dead with a snake bite on his neck!” 911 says “Ok, first let’s make sure he’s dead”. A gunshot is heard. Bob says, “Ok, now what?”

Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates

How did the mortician get the money to pay his bills?

He urned it.

Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire

...on average.

I got a tattoo of a clock and a $100 dollar bill on my midsection

I was then told it was a waist of time and money

I spoke with Bill Withers and I told him that "Ain't no sunshine" was bad grammar.

He said "I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know"

How does Bill Gates count to ten?

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8,10.

Why wasn't Bill Murray cast as Thor?

Because nobody likes an electricity bill.

A man once advised me to not waste electricity. "Using more power results in more electricity bills"

I told myself,



***Watt good advice***

What do you call a belt made of dollar bills?

A waist of money

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This guy Bill has been having headaches for about 40 years..

...he doesnt know what to do so he finally goes to a doctor for the pain. The doctor checks him and says "bill I’m not sure how to tell you this , but you have a very rare condition where your balls press up against your spine and put pressure on your head. That’s why you've been getting these heada...

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

Bill Gates is the best person to deal with a pandemic

He's been dealing with viruses since Windows 95

Bill Cosby would have been totally cleared..

had he run for President

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road....

Why does Bill Gates make for a terrible medical expert?

Because he can't get rid of viruses in Microsoft either.

Bill and Tom went to the country club for a round of golf

Bill takes his practice swings and checks the wind then takes his swings again. After about 10 minutes of taking practice swings and checking the wind Tom starts getting aggravated and yells.

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BILL TAKE YOUR DAMN SWING ALREADY!”.

Bill turns to look at Tom and says....

Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?

His name is Tim

What do you call Bill Clinton's VP programmatically tapping his foot and clapping his hands?

Algorithm

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?

Found in your cell, unresponsive.

Bill: “I’ve just got back from a holiday in Poole.” Ben: “In Dorset?”

Bill: “I’d recommend it to anyone.”

My friends keep sending me articles that Bill Withers died... I keep telling them

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know



(R.I.P.)

What does the Australian say when he wants to pay the bill?

Checkmate

My wife's favorite song is "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers and she reminds of this every single time it's on the radio...

I reply, "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know..."

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Bernie Sanders, Bill Clinton and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar

Hillary Clinton: "This is the worst game of fuck, marry, kill I've ever played."

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.

Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to...

Accidentally dropped a 20 dollar bill in a porta potty

Thought “Damn, no way I’m reaching in there for a measly 20”

So I took out a hundred from my wallet and dropped it in.

Now for 120, I’ll definitely go in.

Republicans are trying to put an ammendment into relief bill to outlaw prepackaged shredded cheese...

...in an attempt to make America grate again.

Why Bill Gates should lead the team to find the Corona Virus cure?

He has been dealing with viruses since Windows 3.0

Is it too soon for a bill withers joke

Or should we wait until after bill withers

Spiderman, Santa Claus, and one of the talented members of Nickelback are walking down the street when they see a $100 bill. Who gets the bill?

Spiderman because there’s no such thing as Santa and there’s no such thing as a talented member of Nickelback

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A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills t...

I found a wallet...

I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill.

I asked myself, what would have Jesus done?

So I turned it into wine.

I stopped at the bank today and had them give me 500 fresh dollar bills.

Hey...It's cheaper than buying toilet paper...

Bill and Fred hang out at the beach . . .

Bill meets a lot of girls, but Fred can’t get anywhere with them. Finally, Fred takes Bill aside and asks him, “What’s your secret?”

“Well,” Bill says in a low voice, “I always put a potato in my trunks. Works every time!”

Fred thinks that it’s a great idea, and the next day, he puts a...

We should all thank Bill Gates during Covid-19...

Imagine how boring quarantine would be if he hadn't invented Windows.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don’t remember the rest.

$100 Bills Stuck Together

An old lady was getting her will redone at her lawyer's office and paying her bill. Unknown to her there were two $100 bills stuck together. Right away the lawyer thinks to himself, 'Hmm I got an ethical problem'.
'Do I tell my partner'.

Back in college, I could barely pay my bills, even having to choose between laundry detergent and a small breakfast snack.

Sometimes it was All or muffin.

My wife always gets mad about splitting the grocery bill because "she doesn't eat doritos and Cadbury eggs"

But I've never used any of the cleaning supplys she always buys , and you never hear me complaining.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

Ed, Sam, and Bill were brothers who were all doctors.

One day, Sam died.

At the funeral, Ed noticed the coffin was in the shape of a heart. So he asked Sam's wife why she chose such a coffin.

"Sam was a cardiologist," she replied, "I thought this was fitting."

Ed smiled wistfully, and Sam's wife asked why. "Well, I'm a gynecologi...

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A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

Since we have to stay home, I’m setting up my pavilion and projector outside tonight. Watching Pulp Fiction, followed by the Kill Bill movies.

It’s a Tent & Quarantino marathon.

I recently bought a corset with a dollar-bill print on it.

I think everyone else likes it as much as I do, because whenever I show them a picture of me wearing it they say 'what a waist of money!'

bill the bartender has a regular who enjoys his drink made a certain way

he's a doctor and every day he comes to bill's bar at 18:30 on the dot to order his daiquiri with crushed walnuts. bill keeps a bag of walnuts under the bar ready for him. one day as bill sees the doctor enter his bar he reaches for a walnut but the bag is empty. he grabs some hickory nuts in stead ...

A lady at work keeps setting fire to her utility bills..

...I said to her "you need to stop doing that Bernadette!"

Bill is smart, He built only 20 parking spaces.

One company owner asked the other- Tell me Bill, How come your employees are always on time in the morning?

Bill- Easy 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.

Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?

Cause' I found the rubber band

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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A wealthy Texan oil tycoon made his way to Ireland one day

as he walked into an Irish pub there he made a declaration to all them that were in the room. He pulled out a wad of five-thousand dollars in cash and placed it on the bar. He said, " I hear you Irish can drink, so I put to you the challenge that not one of y'all can drink five hundred shots back to...

Bill Gates created the Coronavirus so people would start using Microsoft Teams

dont know if this belongs here but I posted this in r/conspiracy and r/showerthoughts but everyone thought it was serious

A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’

The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.

My job is to visit people who are late with their electricity bills and take them off the grid if they don't pay straightaway.

Some do, some refuse.

My friend used to strip to pay the bills.

But she put in the hours, saved up and bought her own Massage Parlour.

Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?

Once a panda walked into a restaurant...

...and ordered a hamburger and some fries. The waiter was surprised to see a panda in the bar but served him thinking it to be an intelligent animal as it ordered it's own food.

The panda finished its food and as it saw the waiter approaching it with the bill, it got up and shot him with a pi...

What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep or they can't come.

Ted’s grandmother pulls him aside at his eighth birthday party and hands him a five-dollar bill.

“Here, this is a little something extra from Grandma. But not a word of this to your brothers and sisters.”
The boy looks at the bill and responds, ...
"If you want me to stay quiet, it’s going to cost you a lot more.”

Why did the monk eat dollar bills?

Because " change comes from within "

Praise the lord

A Christian guy named Bill saw an ad online for a Christian horse, so he went to check it out. The horse’s owner said, “It’s easy to ride him. Just say ‘Praise the Lord!’ to make him go and ‘Amen!’ to make him stop.” Bill got on the horse and said, “Praise the Lord!” Sure enough, the horse started t...

Kid vs Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

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Dad sent me to pay the electric bill...

When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We all held each other and cried, especiall...

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre existing condition.

Your duck is dead...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

With great power comes great electricity bill

Watt a powerful message

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Did you hear about the number of sexual assault allegations against Bill Clinton involving coercive oral sex?

It's jaw dropping.

The horse who drinks bourbon

A horse walks into a bar and orders 20 shots of bourbon. The bartender, uneasy from meeting an actual talking horse asks “ya got any money?” The horse reaches back into its saddle and produces a hundred dollar bill. The man pours the drinks, the horse drinks every single one in quick order and leave...

the big universe

two friends Jake & bill laying in the tent camping

bill: Jake what are you looking at

Jake: the stars

bill: and what you get from that

Jake: how big the universe is and how small we are

bill: no the fu\*\*ing tent is gone you moron

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

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A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis

The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill...

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the test papers and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in.

The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a not...

A platypus walks into a bar where the bartender is a duck.

He finished his drink, and asked for his check.

Duck billed platypus.

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me ton...

A blonde woman left a 20$ bill fall in a toilet

She asks for her boyfriend to take it out, he thinks for a second, and explains:

"Baby, I don't think 20$ are worthy of putting my hand in the toilet."

Then the blonde throws a 50$ bill in the toilet and says:

"But I'm pretty sure 70$ are."

Bill Gates wanted to make a new friend.

He logged into his computer and found some strangers who seemed nice, so he sent them some funny pictures and told him a little about himself. For days, his posts went nowhere. He was never getting any responses, so he decided to send some videos instead, thinking people just didn't believe it was h...

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At the command

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced,

"*Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a t...

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Why did hitler kill himself?

Because the gas bill was too high

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women insane?

A hundred dollar bill.

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Halloween party

A young couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

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One day Bill was out raking leaves when he saw a hearse drive by...

followed by a second hearse, followed by man solemnly walking a dog, and then a line of two hundred men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill questioned the man following the second hearse, “Who is that in the first hearse?”

The man replied, “My wife.”

Bill said, “I’m sorry. W...

To everyone's surprise , our Mexican neighbors got the city to sign for a bill to restrict loud noisess

Nobody expects the Spanish din petition

My friend can't afford his water bill...

So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.

I tried to set up autopay for my hospital bill but I must have missed by one letter.

Instead I had my vital organs removed, toxicology tests, and a pathologist report on how I died.

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Bill Cosby, Kevin Spacey, and Harvey Weinstein are planning to make a new Star Wars themed porno

Should be easy considering they have already mastered sex by Force

Bill's new car

Bill decides after saving for a few years to finally buy a new red Lamborghini. He's so excited about it that he decides to go out and try it out on the highway.

As he's zooming down the highway, he sees a trucker up ahead slowing traffic, and decides to show off his new car by cutting the tr...

I hate when the guy at the store gives me money back after I give him a large bill

I don't like change

Damn politicians

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning t...

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

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Did you know Bill Cosby likes pudding?

Pudding his dick where it doesn't belong

So I was at the laundromat the other day

I went to the change machine to get some quarters. It took my bill but nothing came back out.

And I thought, "that doesn't make cents."

What did Epstein say when bill Clinton didn’t high give him back?

“Don’t have me hanging!”

What do Bill Gates and Elon Musk have in common?

They broke windows live on stage.

A guy gets hit by a car.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him.The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes.The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?"

The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me."...

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

... and sits down. The man tells the ostrich "sit" and it sits down. The man orders 2 lasagnas and 2 beers (one of each for himself and the other for the ostrich). The waitress is a little bemused but goes along and gets it. The bill arrives = $25.87. Without looking, the man puts his hand into his ...

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

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She sexily unbuttons her shirt, removes her bra, pushes him down and placed his hand on her bare chest.

"$100. Just $100 and I'll do anything you want."
His eyes glow bright: "Anything?"
"Anything." She whispers into his ears.
Excited, he springs up, pulls out his wallet, gives her 5 brand new $20 bills and says: "Here is $100! Now give me $500!"

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F**k off Bill

A software engineer was waiting in the VIP lounge for his flight from JFK airport. He was supposed to meet his colleague for a coffee before he flew home, but the colleague was late. He spotted Bill Gates sitting alone at a table and walked over and said – Wow, I can't believe it's Bill Gates. Nice ...

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Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

What do you call someone who doesn't pay their bills?

A debtbeat

Bill brings home his girlfriend to meet his mother...

Bill's mom scans her up and down with a stern face..

M: "Give it up, you can find plenty better"

B: "BUT MOM, I LOVE HER...!"

M: "I was talking to her..."

How do Australian chess players ask for the bill?

Check, mate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you describe Bill Gates's penis

Microsoft

A Greek, a Spaniard and an Italian go out for dinner. Who pays the bill?

The German.

Why does Bill Clinton have a tire swing on a tree?

The tire had dirt on the Clinton’s.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers

Duck walks into a drug store...

Duck asks, "please, can I have some chap stick?" Clerk asks, "will this be cash or charge?'.

Duck replies, "just put it on my bill".

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