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Two old friends, Nick and Jack, lived for baseball.

One day, Jack died, leaving Nick inconsolable. A few weeks later, Nick heard someone calling his name. He looked up and standing on a cloud was his old pal.

“Nick,” Jack called down, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there’s baseball in heaven!"

“Great!” said Nick. “Wha...

Once there was a dragon slayer named Nick.....

Nick was a wealthy man, due to the fact that there were many dragons around the kingdom that required killing. The king of the land used to pay a great price for every dragon killed. But Nick had a deep secret, he had a massive desire to sleep with the queen, even if it was just for a night.
One...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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Three people want to get into heaven

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St N...

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Carl broke his leg, and his buddy Nick came over to see him.

Nick said, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Carl said, “actually, my feet are fucking freezing. Do me a favor, run upstairs and get some socks.”

Nick went upstairs. Not having been there before, he opened the wrong bedroom door and saw Carl's gorgeous 19-year old twin sisters lyin...

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What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store?

Pan Nick at the disc co

I never really liked Nearly Headless Nick in the Harry Potter franchise.

He was a poorly executed character.

Why did Saint Nicholas adopt the nickname of St. Nick?

No L

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Legendary Welsh singer Tom Jones visits Legendary Liverpudlian Cilla Black,with an offer of amazing sexy sex.

He says, "I'll make love to you three times, and each time will be better than the last. It'll be the best sex you've ever ever had. I'll need a sleep in between bouts, but apart from that it'll be sex sex sexy sex."

Cilla Black agrees, and Tom Jones, true to his word, gives her the most amaz...

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Slips of the Tongue

**12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio ...**

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside o...

The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick

is that he is a poorly-executed character

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I have a friend who does the best ever seagull impression.

He can’t do the noise, he just nicks your chips and shits on your car.

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

My homeboy Nick L. keeps borrowing money from my other homie Deion but I can't keep watching it happen...

I'm too old to watch Nick L. owe Deion.

Why was St. Nick afraid of delivering presents down the chimney?

He had santaclaustrophobia.

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A frog walks into a bank...

And is greeted by Patricia Wack, the bank teller. He hops onto the counter, and asks to open a line of credit with their bank, requesting 150 thousand dollars.

Taken aback, Ms. Wack says "Well....uh...do you have collateral?" and very slowly and calmly, the frog pulls out a small porcelain p...

What chemical got it's nickname from starting fires?

Arson Nick

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Good Etiquette

During a good manners and etiquette class being taught at the local high school for senior boys, the young, attractive, first-year teacher asked, "If you were courting a well-educated girl from a prominent family and during dinner, you needed to use the bathroom, how would you properly excuse yourse...

A pastor and and an airline pilot meet St Nick at the Gates to Heaven. The airline pilot is first to approach the saint

Peter: Name and profession please

Pilot: John Williams, Ryanair pilot.

Peter: *riffles through a massive book* John Williams...John Williams... umm... ah yes!

Peter: clicks his fingers and a beautiful silk robe and ornate golden staff appear out of thin air.

Peter: please...

A frog walks into a bank.

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

Th...

The first potato to go to space was carried by the rocket Nick

Or, well, Spudnick

A joke I made for my fellow Nick's out there :

Don't ask me for 5 cents anytime soon...

because I'm Nicholas.

Dad, is it true that Santa Claus and St.Nick are the same person?

Yes, son. That’s just his nick name...

I lost a friend to cancer today.

He didn’t die, he just didn’t appreciate the nick name Tumour Rick.

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A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. The shocked bartender exclaims, "Whoa, you can't bring that dangerous animal in here, sir!"

"Don't worry," the man replies. "He's perfectly harmless. Watch, I'll put my balls in his open mouth for five minutes and he won't so much as nick t...

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Pay up!!

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try
to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Ho...

Why dont saint nick and mrs clause have any kids?

Cause Santa only comes once a year and its down a chimney.

The difference between Nick Mullen and the small version of Mario

Is about 2 feet, with Nick Mullen being smaller than tiny Mario. Relatively speaking.

The character of Nearly Headless Nick was a bit of a letdown in the Harry Potter movies.

In the books, he had so much more development, including an entire deathday party. In the movies though, he was just so badly executed.

My friend Nick never told me he had a erectile dysfunction.

I guess it just never came up.

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A scientist named Nick asked his colleague about what was smelling here.

"Arsenic", he said.

My friend was trashing children's shows, which offended everybody, but then he changed tune and said he want's to revive Nick Jr.

I think he was just trying to save Face

Have you seen that old Nick Cage movie about United Airlines?

Con Air.

Misunderstood...

3 people (one is stuttering) decided to go on a fishing trip in a yacht.

They were in the sea for over 3 hours and were having a good time, when suddenly a ship was arriving at high speed with intetion of stoping.

The stutterer noticed it was trying to warn the others but was stuck...

Why doesn't Nick Fury have a super-hero name?

Because "cyclops" was already taken.

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

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If buzz aldrin lost a part of his butt in a space accident his nick name woulf be...

Buzz lightrear

One day Nick's wife asked him "What will he do if she were to die". Nick replied "I'll also die". She asked him "Why?" Nick replied

"Well, you know I have a heart condition and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness".

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A frog goes into a bank to get a loan. The frog hops up on the counter and the lady at the counter introduces herself.

Mrs. Wack “Hello my names Mrs. wack what do you want today?”

Frog “ I want a loan”

Mrs. Wack “I don’t know if you can get a loan. You’re a frog. What’s your name?”

Frog “Kermit”

Mrs. Wack “You’re not Kermit the frog.”

Kermit “ No No No, I was named after him. My na...

Did you know....

William Shatner and Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac recently got married? She wanted to keep her surname so she's now going by Stevie Shatner - Nicks.

The three bears.

The three bears are out of work after the whole Goldilocks scandal.
Anyway they get offered a days work on a building site, and the foreman gives them a task and some picks.
On giving them their tools he says, "don't lose your tools".
So after working all morning dinner arrives, and off the...

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Johnny is a sponge

One night a mother and father get into a heated argument.

"You bitch!" Screams the dad.
"You're a selfish prick" the mom replies.

Their little boy Johnny pipes up with "what do those words mean mommy and daddy?" Thinking quickly the dad says "I was just calling your mother a lady, ...

My new nick name didn't work.

My friend said if another guy tries to hit on her with a fake name, she'd blow a fuse.

To which I replied, "Hey nice to meet you, I'm A fuse."

Strange Redneck Nick Name

The redneck family down the street always called one of their boys Ant Eater and I could never figure out why.

So one day they had a party and I was invited, so I stopped by and finally asked, "Where did Ant Eater get that nick name". With out a pause Ant Eaters brother said "Oh because he sl...

Why did Santa quit shaving and grow out his now long white beard?

Same reason why he's called "Saint Nick".

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into a bank looking to get a loan, and goes up to the teller and sees her little name tag, wich reads "Patricia wack" then the frog says "my name's Kermit jagger, son of mick jagger, and I'm looking for a loan of $30,000"

And the teller says "Wow, that's a lot, do you have anyth...

2 men go hunting, one of which for his first time

They’re walking 10 meters apart or so, when they new hunter hears a sound and quickly turns & excitedly fires his rifle, just barely missing his friend.

“Good God man, be careful!” the friend yells.

“Oh man, I’m sorry!”

But no more than a few minutes later he does it again...

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

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A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

A story about a small event at a mates house

So basically, we were at my mates house. Now, we were about to leave, and he started banging on about this fiver he lost. Now, I wanted to try and use my phone and I thought about getting it from my pockets, but I couldn't check my pockets because then he'd think I nicked his fiver.

So I go i...

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A cop pulls a guy over..

Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.”

Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.”

The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system”

“Nick”

“Nick... wha...

I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today

Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park

Three friends die and reach the gates of Heaven

Three friends named John, Mike and Nick die and reach the gates of Heaven. There they meet St. Peter,he calls the first man, John, and says:"John, as I can see you have never cheated on your wife so take this Lamborghini to cruise around Heaven forever! John happily takes the car and goes to Heaven....

A teddy bear applies for a job at a building site...

... The foreman is a bit surprised, but the teddy bear is quite insistent, so Monday rolls around and the teddy bear is put on the payroll, and issued with a hard hat, a safety jacket, a pick and shovel.

The teddy bear works hard all day, and the foreman is pleasantly surprised. In the evenin...

I decided to go out horse riding one afternoon on a horse I hadn’t rode before....

I wasn’t sure if the horse was ready for a rider just yet, so I slowly approached him, all the while talking gentle to the horse like I have always done when dealing with newer horses. I kept saying “easy boy” and I slowly reached out to pet him. The horse nervously kept its eyes on me, but he final...

If I could chose any Jonas brother to have lunch outside with . . .

. . . I would pick Nick

The tooth fairy, unfairly caught up in a dentures scam, was standing in line behind Voldermort in the magic prison commissary,

Suddenly, Voldermort screams at an old man alone in a corner, "You wouldn't be here if you appreciated stealth, Mr ho-ho-ho from the rooftops."

The tooth fairy realizes the outcast is Santa Claus, and separates himself from the undesirables to approach him, asking, "Kind Sir, what did you do ...

A bartender has a drink ready for his customer every evening.

He’s a doctor and every time he finishes work he comes to the bar for a hazelnut daiquiri. One night, the bar is all out of hazelnuts. The bartender rummages through the inventory but is only able to find hickory nuts. He improvises a drink in the nick of time.

The doctor comes in rig...

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Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night before Christmas
And All Through the house
Everyone Felt Shitty
Even the Mouse
Mom on the Toilet
Dad smoking grass
I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the Roof
I heard such a clatter
I spring...

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So a girl browses for guys to date on a website

She demands three things: that he must never hurt her, that he will never run away, and that he must be very good in bed.

A while later, her doorbell rings and she answers the door. To her surprise, it was a man with no arms, no legs, just like Nick Vujicic.

He introduces himself: "Hi,...

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Nicholas the 16 year old boy always behaved like an asshole towards everyone around him. On top of that, he had a very bad smoking habit. No matter how many times people would advise him to quit, he'd never listen.

Nick, a teen; a dick, shun.

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Logic 101

Mitch sees Nick, an old friend, and walks up to him: "Where have you been? Haven't seen you for a while at the pub. Wanna join us on the card game tonight?"

"I can't. I have a lecture in an hour."

"A lecture? Aren't you too old to study?"

"You're never too old to study the logic...

*knock knock"

Who's there?
Nick.
Nick who?


Nick started crying, realizing that his grandmother dementia has gotten a lot worse

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(NSFW) Learned this one when I was like 8 or 9.

A really hot woman stays up waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve. Just as she’s about to fall asleep she finally hears footsteps on the roof and seconds later, out pops Santa from the fireplace!

Hi Santa! Will you please stay? I put out cookies for you!

“Ho ho ho! Gotta go, gotta go! Got...

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

There's this girl named Patty-Whack who works in a bank.

One day, a little green frog comes in, reminiscent of Kermit the frog. He's carrying a tiny pink elephant in hands, and walks up to Patty-Whack.

"Excuse me miss, I would like to apply for a loan. I won't be able to pay it back, but I can offer you this elephant statue in exchange. It's worth ...

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

Once upon a time there was a girl.

This girl had the ability to heal any living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came to see her and, out of the kindness of her heart, she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her for her kindness. But when the girl outstretched her hand to shake his he flew away.

The town de...

Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.

"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.

"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.

"What!...

Coulda been worse.

A father walks past his son's room and to his astonishment he sees that the bed is neatly made and the room is all tidied up.

Then he saw an envelope on the pillow.

It's addressed to "Dad".

He picked it up, tore it open and read the note:

"Dear Dad, it is with great regre...

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The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

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The Lovely Tale of Opposite-Sex College Roommates

A guy and a girl are college roommates. No feelings at all. One day, the girl goes to a frat party and brings home the notoriously bi frat dude. She f*cks him, and then the next morning, tells him she has feelings for her roommate and so the two of them won't work out. The frat dude, just happy he g...

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

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A frog walks into a bank looking to get a loan.

He walks up to the first teller available, Mrs Whack.
“Mrs Whack, I would like a loan”
“But you are a frog!?!”

“Yup, I just need a small loan though, I just want to buy my own lily pad.”

“Okay, well what is your name?”

“Kermit”

“You aren’t Kermit the fro...

An American is talking to a girl in Paris

She says her name is Belle.

"That's a pretty name"

"Thanks. It means 'beautiful'. What does 'Nick' mean?"

"Oh, I don't know. It's just something my dad came up with while shaving."

Three potatoes decide to go to the swimming pool.

The first potato goes to the lowest diving board, does a simple forward flip, and lands flawlessly in the water, before coming back up for air, and swims off.

The second potato climbs to the next diving board, does a more intricate double-backflip in the air, and lands feet-first into the wat...

A priest, a lawyer and a physicist were sentenced to death by guillotine

The priest was first to receive his sentence, he bent on the stand, the executioner closed on his head and asked him if he had any last words, the priest said "God .. I know god will save me from this", the executioner pulled the handle, the blade started to fall, but it stopped right on top of the ...

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A frog wants to get a loan

A frog goes into a bank and speaks to the teller about getting a loan. The teller, Mrs. Whack, brings him over to a desk where they can discuss.

"So, what will this loan be for?"

"It's to buy my father a new stereo. He's super into rock & roll."

"Not to be intrusive, but you...

What happens when Stevie Wonder tries to shave himself?

Stevie Nicks.

Moses,Jesus and a bearded man go golfing one day...

Moses tees off and gives the ball an almighty whack. The ball flies through the air, spins and falls towards a water hazard. Just as the ball is landing, Moses parts the waters and the ball rolls onto the green.

Jesus goes next. He hits the ball straight towards the water again, but just befo...

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