I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store?

Pan Nick at the disc co

The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick

is that he is a poorly-executed character

Why dont saint nick and mrs clause have any kids?

Cause Santa only comes once a year and its down a chimney.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Girl and Her Sniper Rifle

I had a friend named Sierra once. She was a pretty chill girl. Really only had two defining characteristics about her though, her love of lemon-lime sodas and her innate marksmanship. She was a damn good crackshot.


Her dad was a bit of a gun nut. Owned lots of rifles including a classic...

Three friends die and reach the gates of Heaven

Three friends named John, Mike and Nick die and reach the gates of Heaven. There they meet St. Peter,he calls the first man, John, and says:"John, as I can see you have never cheated on your wife so take this Lamborghini to cruise around Heaven forever! John happily takes the car and goes to Heaven....

A teddy bear applies for a job at a building site...

... The foreman is a bit surprised, but the teddy bear is quite insistent, so Monday rolls around and the teddy bear is put on the payroll, and issued with a hard hat, a safety jacket, a pick and shovel.

The teddy bear works hard all day, and the foreman is pleasantly surprised. In the evenin...

The difference between Nick Mullen and the small version of Mario

Is about 2 feet, with Nick Mullen being smaller than tiny Mario. Relatively speaking.

I decided to go out horse riding one afternoon on a horse I hadn’t rode before....

I wasn’t sure if the horse was ready for a rider just yet, so I slowly approached him, all the while talking gentle to the horse like I have always done when dealing with newer horses. I kept saying “easy boy” and I slowly reached out to pet him. The horse nervously kept its eyes on me, but he final...

The tooth fairy, unfairly caught up in a dentures scam, was standing in line behind Voldermort in the magic prison commissary,

Suddenly, Voldermort screams at an old man alone in a corner, "You wouldn't be here if you appreciated stealth, Mr ho-ho-ho from the rooftops."

The tooth fairy realizes the outcast is Santa Claus, and separates himself from the undesirables to approach him, asking, "Kind Sir, what did you do ...

The character of Nearly Headless Nick was a bit of a letdown in the Harry Potter movies.

In the books, he had so much more development, including an entire deathday party. In the movies though, he was just so badly executed.

A pastor and and an airline pilot meet St Nick at the Gates to Heaven. The airline pilot is first to approach the saint

Peter: Name and profession please

Pilot: John Williams, Ryanair pilot.

Peter: *riffles through a massive book* John Williams...John Williams... umm... ah yes!

Peter: clicks his fingers and a beautiful silk robe and ornate golden staff appear out of thin air.

Peter: please...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist named Nick asked his colleague about what was smelling here.

"Arsenic", he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet

He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Nick, the guy who shit in your tuba is here!"

I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today

Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park

My friend was trashing children's shows, which offended everybody, but then he changed tune and said he want's to revive Nick Jr.

I think he was just trying to save Face

If I could chose any Jonas brother to have lunch outside with . . .

. . . I would pick Nick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If buzz aldrin lost a part of his butt in a space accident his nick name woulf be...

Buzz lightrear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about...

Why doesn't Nick Fury have a super-hero name?

Because "cyclops" was already taken.

Your opinion on the Harry Potter movie adaptations?

I thought that they were pretty good, and stayed faithful to the books. Although in my opinion, Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

My friend Nick never told me he had a erectile dysfunction.

I guess it just never came up.

A bartender has a drink ready for his customer every evening.

He’s a doctor and every time he finishes work he comes to the bar for a hazelnut daiquiri. One night, the bar is all out of hazelnuts. The bartender rummages through the inventory but is only able to find hickory nuts. He improvises a drink in the nick of time.

The doctor comes in rig...

Why is St. Nick afraid of going down chimneys?

Claustrophobia.

Have you seen that old Nick Cage movie about United Airlines?

Con Air.

A dog walks into a small nick nack shop.

He asks the owner, “how much for a bone?” The owner looks down at him surprised, but answers “it’ll be a trade of one good nick nack.”

The next day the dog comes back in, with something in his mouth. This time, a woman is at the counter instead of the man. “I would like one bone please” he s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nick Offerman has to be careful about his kids name.

He could give them an unfortunate job like Jack Offerman.

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

One day Nick's wife asked him "What will he do if she were to die". Nick replied "I'll also die". She asked him "Why?" Nick replied

"Well, you know I have a heart condition and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a girl browses for guys to date on a website

She demands three things: that he must never hurt her, that he will never run away, and that he must be very good in bed.

A while later, her doorbell rings and she answers the door. To her surprise, it was a man with no arms, no legs, just like Nick Vujicic.

He introduces himself: "Hi,...

My new nick name didn't work.

My friend said if another guy tries to hit on her with a fake name, she'd blow a fuse.

To which I replied, "Hey nice to meet you, I'm A fuse."

Strange Redneck Nick Name

The redneck family down the street always called one of their boys Ant Eater and I could never figure out why.

So one day they had a party and I was invited, so I stopped by and finally asked, "Where did Ant Eater get that nick name". With out a pause Ant Eaters brother said "Oh because he sl...

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulls a guy over..

Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.”

Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.”

The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system”

“Nick”

“Nick... wha...

Three potatoes decide to go to the swimming pool.

The first potato goes to the lowest diving board, does a simple forward flip, and lands flawlessly in the water, before coming back up for air, and swims off.

The second potato climbs to the next diving board, does a more intricate double-backflip in the air, and lands feet-first into the wat...

There's this girl named Patty-Whack who works in a bank.

One day, a little green frog comes in, reminiscent of Kermit the frog. He's carrying a tiny pink elephant in hands, and walks up to Patty-Whack.

"Excuse me miss, I would like to apply for a loan. I won't be able to pay it back, but I can offer you this elephant statue in exchange. It's worth ...

Coulda been worse.

A father walks past his son's room and to his astonishment he sees that the bed is neatly made and the room is all tidied up.

Then he saw an envelope on the pillow.

It's addressed to "Dad".

He picked it up, tore it open and read the note:

"Dear Dad, it is with great regre...

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

Nick Cave is not on Tinder

because he's the Grindr man.

Ah Paddy

Nick, an Englishman, Jock a Scotsman and Wee Paddy had emigrated to Australia some years ago.


One day they were sitting outside at a pub on the Sydney harbour enjoying a drink in the sunshine.


Nick says, you know this is a lovely country, but I really mi...

A frog walks in to a bank.

He asks for a loan, and the teller, named Patricia wack says no.

He then says “But my father is Mic Jagger!”

Patricia says no again.

He then lays his heart and soul, a marble elephant, down on the table, and asks again. “Can I have a loan?”

Patricia flips over the table a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lovely Tale of Opposite-Sex College Roommates

A guy and a girl are college roommates. No feelings at all. One day, the girl goes to a frat party and brings home the notoriously bi frat dude. She f*cks him, and then the next morning, tells him she has feelings for her roommate and so the two of them won't work out. The frat dude, just happy he g...

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Learned this one when I was like 8 or 9.

A really hot woman stays up waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve. Just as she’s about to fall asleep she finally hears footsteps on the roof and seconds later, out pops Santa from the fireplace!

Hi Santa! Will you please stay? I put out cookies for you!

“Ho ho ho! Gotta go, gotta go! Got...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night before Christmas
And All Through the house
Everyone Felt Shitty
Even the Mouse
Mom on the Toilet
Dad smoking grass
I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the Roof
I heard such a clatter
I spring...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Logic 101

Mitch sees Nick, an old friend, and walks up to him: "Where have you been? Haven't seen you for a while at the pub. Wanna join us on the card game tonight?"

"I can't. I have a lecture in an hour."

"A lecture? Aren't you too old to study?"

"You're never too old to study the logic...

*knock knock"

Who's there?
Nick.
Nick who?


Nick started crying, realizing that his grandmother dementia has gotten a lot worse

Moses,Jesus and a bearded man go golfing one day...

Moses tees off and gives the ball an almighty whack. The ball flies through the air, spins and falls towards a water hazard. Just as the ball is landing, Moses parts the waters and the ball rolls onto the green.

Jesus goes next. He hits the ball straight towards the water again, but just befo...

Once upon a time there was a girl.

This girl had the ability to heal any living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came to see her and, out of the kindness of her heart, she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her for her kindness. But when the girl outstretched her hand to shake his he flew away.

The town de...

Did you hear about the Irishman caught stealing beer?

His name was Nick McGuinness .

Two men stand before a court.

One has stolen a set of batteries, the other nicked a firework and exploded it in his backyard.

The first man was charged, the other one was let off.

Invitation

Friend 1: Dude, me and Nick are going to a Giants game! Box seats, wanna go?

Friend 2: Nick and I.

Friend 1: What?

Friend 2: It’s Nick and I. Me and Nick is not proper grammar dude.

Friend 1: You are right! It is Nick and I, because you are no longer invited.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frog walks into a bank looking to get a loan.

He walks up to the first teller available, Mrs Whack.
“Mrs Whack, I would like a loan”
“But you are a frog!?!”

“Yup, I just need a small loan though, I just want to buy my own lily pad.”

“Okay, well what is your name?”

“Kermit”

“You aren’t Kermit the fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] a frog walks into a bank

the frog walks up to the teller and sees her name tag witch says patricia wack and the frog says "my name is kermit jagger, son of mick jagger, i need a loan to go on a holiday, how about $30,00?" and the teller says "woah, thats alot of money, do you have any collaterals we can keep if you don't pa...

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A frog wants to get a loan

A frog goes into a bank and speaks to the teller about getting a loan. The teller, Mrs. Whack, brings him over to a desk where they can discuss.

"So, what will this loan be for?"

"It's to buy my father a new stereo. He's super into rock & roll."

"Not to be intrusive, but you...

What happens when Stevie Wonder tries to shave himself?

Stevie Nicks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tony ambled into a bar

Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender.
"Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spi...

Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.

"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.

"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.

"What!...

A rich man is walking down the street...

He’s about to get run over by a truck when a homeless man jumps on him and gets him out the way in the nick of time,

“Thank you so much” says the rich man, “if there’s anything I can do for you please let me know”

The homeless man has a think and says “I’d like a town built for myself...

How do you know the guitarist is at the door?

He's got the wrong key, doesn't know when to come in.

-Nick Mason

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

White girl goes on a date with a black man

They have lots of fun, she takes him home, they have coffee, go up to her bedroom and she says, "Show me it's true what they say about black guys"

So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

A priest, a lawyer and a physicist were sentenced to death by guillotine

The priest was first to receive his sentence, he bent on the stand, the executioner closed on his head and asked him if he had any last words, the priest said "God .. I know god will save me from this", the executioner pulled the handle, the blade started to fall, but it stopped right on top of the ...

Hurricane Florence

White House advisor.......

"Mr Trump , Hurricane Florence is causing trouble."

President Trump.....

"Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels!"

Nicked from fb

An inspector, making his rounds, inspects an elementary school.

One teacher says to her class, "Treat him like you would the President of the United States." Sure enough, later that day, the inspector walks in to see how the lesson is doing. Just then, one of the students gets up, stomps over to the inspector, punches him in the gut, nicks his phone, and hides...

*Drives by pack of cows on the road*

Dad: I've always wanted to be a cow, Nick.
Me: Can't relate with you there, Dad.
*moment of silence*
Dad: Out standing in my field.
*thinking...thinking...thinking*
Me: Ohhhh.

Language Lessons

Two restaurants face each other across a city street. Every day the owner of the Greek restaurant, Nick, brings out his specials board, looks across the street at the Chinese restaurant and calls out to the owner:

"Hey, Chan! What comes with your specials today?"

"Flied lice!"
<...

Victor liked to reminisce of his high school days and asked his neighbors to call him The Victor

The Victor was also a gardener and wanted to stop buying fertilizer because it costed him too much money. He decided to start composting instead, but he lived alone so he didn’t make enough waste for his compost. Finally he decided to go door to door asking his neighbors for their spoiled food to a...

Frog gets a loan.

There once was a frog that belonged to Keith Richards. This frog went to the bank to get a loan. At the desk was a woman named Miss Pattywack. The frog says "I'd like to get a loan please". She replied "Well you're gonna need some form of collateral". The frog says "I don't have much, but what about...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met this big breasted woman at a bar.........

.........she dragged me into an alley telling me I could have some fun with her massive tits. She then beat me to the floor and nicked my wallet.


It was a booby trap!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frog joke

A frog goes into a bank in search of a loan. He approaches Patricia Wack who deals with the loans in this particular bank and says "Hi, I'd like a £10,000 loan as I am doing some home renovations". Patricia is a little bemused, as it is a frog asking for a loan, but she is a polite lady and so conti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The origins of the ornamental angel atop the Christmas tree

It's almost New Year's Eve and Santa is getting ready to get to work and bring presents to everyone that has been good this year. So there he is at home, taking a shower and preparing for the big night. Opening his closet, he sifts through his clothes and finds his favorite red coat and trousers, bu...

A Doctor Joke

As she laid there next to me starting to sleep I said to myself, "Nick, I'm sure you aren't the only doctor to sleep with their patient.

But then another voice told me, "Nick, you are a veterinarian."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.