All the characters in Harry Potter are so well-developed. Well, except Nearly-headless Nick...

He was poorly executed.

I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick

He was a very poorly executed character

The difference between Nick Mullen and the small version of Mario

Is about 2 feet, with Nick Mullen being smaller than tiny Mario. Relatively speaking.

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A man named Paddy was having a meeting with his manager Nick

Nick turned to Paddy and said to him "Mr Whack, on this CCTV camera, I have caught you having sex with a dog."

"I'm terribly sorry sir" says Paddy, "but there must be some kind of mixup."

Nick looks at him and shouts "I've got CCTV footage of the incident right here" and he plays the s...

The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick

is that he is a poorly-executed character

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

A pastor and and an airline pilot meet St Nick at the Gates to Heaven. The airline pilot is first to approach the saint

Peter: Name and profession please

Pilot: John Williams, Ryanair pilot.

Peter: *riffles through a massive book* John Williams...John Williams... umm... ah yes!

Peter: clicks his fingers and a beautiful silk robe and ornate golden staff appear out of thin air.

Peter: please...

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A scientist named Nick asked his colleague about what was smelling here.

"Arsenic", he said.

My friend was trashing children's shows, which offended everybody, but then he changed tune and said he want's to revive Nick Jr.

I think he was just trying to save Face

Coulda been worse.

A father walks past his son's room and to his astonishment he sees that the bed is neatly made and the room is all tidied up.

Then he saw an envelope on the pillow.

It's addressed to "Dad".

He picked it up, tore it open and read the note:

"Dear Dad, it is with great regre...

The character of Nearly Headless Nick was a bit of a letdown in the Harry Potter movies.

In the books, he had so much more development, including an entire deathday party. In the movies though, he was just so badly executed.

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what do you call a pansexual person named nick who works at a disc company?

Pan nick at the disc co

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If buzz aldrin lost a part of his butt in a space accident his nick name woulf be...

Buzz lightrear

Why is St. Nick afraid of going down chimneys?

Claustrophobia.

My friend Nick never told me he had a erectile dysfunction.

I guess it just never came up.

St. Peter conducts a census in heaven and realises someone is missing.

So he goes to the computer and realises that an engineer accidentally landed up in hell. He get’s on the phone to Old Nick.

St. Peter: So, Nick, we have an issue with this engineering guy Robert. He is supposed to be with us. Can you send him up?

Nick: Bob? No way. Not going to. Since...

There's this girl named Patty-Whack who works in a bank.

One day, a little green frog comes in, reminiscent of Kermit the frog. He's carrying a tiny pink elephant in hands, and walks up to Patty-Whack.

"Excuse me miss, I would like to apply for a loan. I won't be able to pay it back, but I can offer you this elephant statue in exchange. It's worth ...

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The Lovely Tale of Opposite-Sex College Roommates

A guy and a girl are college roommates. No feelings at all. One day, the girl goes to a frat party and brings home the notoriously bi frat dude. She f*cks him, and then the next morning, tells him she has feelings for her roommate and so the two of them won't work out. The frat dude, just happy he g...

A frog walks in to a bank.

He asks for a loan, and the teller, named Patricia wack says no.

He then says “But my father is Mic Jagger!”

Patricia says no again.

He then lays his heart and soul, a marble elephant, down on the table, and asks again. “Can I have a loan?”

Patricia flips over the table a...

Why doesn't Nick Fury have a super-hero name?

Because "cyclops" was already taken.

Ah Paddy

Nick, an Englishman, Jock a Scotsman and Wee Paddy had emigrated to Australia some years ago.


One day they were sitting outside at a pub on the Sydney harbour enjoying a drink in the sunshine.


Nick says, you know this is a lovely country, but I really mi...

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Nick Offerman has to be careful about his kids name.

He could give them an unfortunate job like Jack Offerman.

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

One day Nick's wife asked him "What will he do if she were to die". Nick replied "I'll also die". She asked him "Why?" Nick replied

"Well, you know I have a heart condition and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness".

A dog walks into a small nick nack shop.

He asks the owner, “how much for a bone?” The owner looks down at him surprised, but answers “it’ll be a trade of one good nick nack.”

The next day the dog comes back in, with something in his mouth. This time, a woman is at the counter instead of the man. “I would like one bone please” he s...

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into a bank
And he goes up to the counter and says "I want to take out a loan"
The woman behind the counter says "well I don't know if we give loans out to frogs but I'll see what we can do"
Her name is Mrs. Wack
So Mrs. Wack says "If I can get your name we'll get you starte...

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What do you call a Russian with 3 testicles?

Whodyanickabollockov

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The Avengers were on a mission to save the Egyptian god of the sun.

Thanos, with the help of the Reality Stone, turned the god into a baby and usurped his powers. As he was about to kill him, in the nick of time, the Avengers showed up.

Diving forward, Captain America managed to snatch away the baby while Thanos was busy with his monologue. Realizing this, T...

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Rude joke

Two neighbourhood women are talking away across the fence. Natter natter, blah, blah. All day. About 5pm one of them hears her husband's car arrive home. She freaks and runs into the house to make his dinner. Looks around and grabs the first thing she sees; a can of dog food. Chucks it in the micro-...

A frog goes to the bank wanting to take out a loan...

...he goes up to the counter and starts talking to the clerk. Her name tag reads “Patricia Wack” so he says “ Mrs. Wack I would like to take out a line of $10,000.” Mrs. Wack looks at him skeptically and says “I’m going to need your name and account number as well as collateral for the loan.” The f...

My new nick name didn't work.

My friend said if another guy tries to hit on her with a fake name, she'd blow a fuse.

To which I replied, "Hey nice to meet you, I'm A fuse."

In a world where you get what rhymes with your name... Candy for Mandy. Cats for Matt...

Poor Nick...

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

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A cop pulls a guy over..

Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.”

Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.”

The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system”

“Nick”

“Nick... wha...

Have you seen that old Nick Cage movie about United Airlines?

Con Air.

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(NSFW) Learned this one when I was like 8 or 9.

A really hot woman stays up waiting for Santa on Christmas Eve. Just as she’s about to fall asleep she finally hears footsteps on the roof and seconds later, out pops Santa from the fireplace!

Hi Santa! Will you please stay? I put out cookies for you!

“Ho ho ho! Gotta go, gotta go! Got...

"Fetch me my red shirt..."

One fine afternoon, a merchant captain was guiding his crew across the Spanish Main when the sailor from the crow's nest called down in a panicked voice.



"Cap'n!!!" he cried, "Ship approaching from the starboard side! An' she's flying pirate colors!!!"




Calmly, the ...

Moses,Jesus and a bearded man go golfing one day...

Moses tees off and gives the ball an almighty whack. The ball flies through the air, spins and falls towards a water hazard. Just as the ball is landing, Moses parts the waters and the ball rolls onto the green.

Jesus goes next. He hits the ball straight towards the water again, but just befo...

Two men stand before a court.

One has stolen a set of batteries, the other nicked a firework and exploded it in his backyard.

The first man was charged, the other one was let off.

What do you call a Latino whos car got nicked?

Carlos-t

Did you hear about the Irishman caught stealing beer?

His name was Nick McGuinness .

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Logic 101

Mitch sees Nick, an old friend, and walks up to him: "Where have you been? Haven't seen you for a while at the pub. Wanna join us on the card game tonight?"

"I can't. I have a lecture in an hour."

"A lecture? Aren't you too old to study?"

"You're never too old to study the logic...

A frog walks into a bank looking to get a loan.

He walks up to the first teller available, Mrs Whack.
“Mrs Whack, I would like a loan”
“But you are a frog!?!”

“Yup, I just need a small loan though, I just want to buy my own lily pad.”

“Okay, well what is your name?”

“Kermit”

“You aren’t Kermit the fro...

*knock knock"

Who's there?
Nick.
Nick who?


Nick started crying, realizing that his grandmother dementia has gotten a lot worse

[Long] a frog walks into a bank

the frog walks up to the teller and sees her name tag witch says patricia wack and the frog says "my name is kermit jagger, son of mick jagger, i need a loan to go on a holiday, how about $30,00?" and the teller says "woah, thats alot of money, do you have any collaterals we can keep if you don't pa...

Got myself one of those anti-bullying wristbands today

Nicked it off a fat ginger kid with glasses on

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Tony ambled into a bar

Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash.
"Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender.
"Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spi...

Once upon a time there was a girl.

This girl had the ability to heal any living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came to see her and, out of the kindness of her heart, she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her for her kindness. But when the girl outstretched her hand to shake his he flew away.

The town de...

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Twas The Night Before Christmas

Twas the Night before Christmas
And All Through the house
Everyone Felt Shitty
Even the Mouse
Mom on the Toilet
Dad smoking grass
I had just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the Roof
I heard such a clatter
I spring...

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White girl goes on a date with a black man

They have lots of fun, she takes him home, they have coffee, go up to her bedroom and she says, "Show me it's true what they say about black guys"

So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.

Hurricane Florence

White House advisor.......

"Mr Trump , Hurricane Florence is causing trouble."

President Trump.....

"Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels!"

Nicked from fb

What happens when Stevie Wonder tries to shave himself?

Stevie Nicks.

How do you know the guitarist is at the door?

He's got the wrong key, doesn't know when to come in.

-Nick Mason

A rich man is walking down the street...

He’s about to get run over by a truck when a homeless man jumps on him and gets him out the way in the nick of time,

“Thank you so much” says the rich man, “if there’s anything I can do for you please let me know”

The homeless man has a think and says “I’d like a town built for myself...

A priest, a lawyer and a physicist were sentenced to death by guillotine

The priest was first to receive his sentence, he bent on the stand, the executioner closed on his head and asked him if he had any last words, the priest said "God .. I know god will save me from this", the executioner pulled the handle, the blade started to fall, but it stopped right on top of the ...

The daughter of a melon farmer and a travelling musician met one day and fell in love at first sight

The woman’s name was Angie, a beautiful, red-haired woman with a smile so magnetic and radiant one couldn’t help but fall head-over-heels; the musician’s name was Zachary, a strapping, young lad with flowing, blonde hair and broad shoulders, just wide enough to give him a powerful physique yet not i...

A frog wants to get a loan

A frog goes into a bank and speaks to the teller about getting a loan. The teller, Mrs. Whack, brings him over to a desk where they can discuss.

"So, what will this loan be for?"

"It's to buy my father a new stereo. He's super into rock & roll."

"Not to be intrusive, but you...

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Went for a physical because I turned 30

The doctor said “Nick you have to stop masturbating.”

Confused I asked the doctor “What do you mean?!Why?!”

He said “Because I’m trying to do a physical.”

An inspector, making his rounds, inspects an elementary school.

One teacher says to her class, "Treat him like you would the President of the United States." Sure enough, later that day, the inspector walks in to see how the lesson is doing. Just then, one of the students gets up, stomps over to the inspector, punches him in the gut, nicks his phone, and hides...

*Drives by pack of cows on the road*

Dad: I've always wanted to be a cow, Nick.
Me: Can't relate with you there, Dad.
*moment of silence*
Dad: Out standing in my field.
*thinking...thinking...thinking*
Me: Ohhhh.

Frog gets a loan.

There once was a frog that belonged to Keith Richards. This frog went to the bank to get a loan. At the desk was a woman named Miss Pattywack. The frog says "I'd like to get a loan please". She replied "Well you're gonna need some form of collateral". The frog says "I don't have much, but what about...

Honest Criminals

A man was pulled over by the police on the highway for speeding. The cop instructed the man to roll down his window.

"Were you aware of how fast you were just driving!?" the cop said.

"Yes, I was trying to escape the scene of a robbery I was involved in." the man replied.

"What!...

Joke about lottery

Nick makes a deal with his friend Richard to buy a donkey for 100$. Nick gives the money and says he will be back the next day to pick up the donkey, because he needs to prepare the spot. The following day he comes to see Richard, but the donkey is dead. Nick demands a refund. Richard says he cannot...

A perfect man and a perfect woman are going on a vacation on a perfect sunny day.

On the way, out in the open miles away from anywhere, they see Santa Clause with his thumb out on the side of the road, stranded.

Being the perfect couple they are, and the person in question being jolly ole’ saint nick himself, they offer him a ride and go on their jolly way until the driver...

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The origins of the ornamental angel atop the Christmas tree

It's almost New Year's Eve and Santa is getting ready to get to work and bring presents to everyone that has been good this year. So there he is at home, taking a shower and preparing for the big night. Opening his closet, he sifts through his clothes and finds his favorite red coat and trousers, bu...

Language Lessons

Two restaurants face each other across a city street. Every day the owner of the Greek restaurant, Nick, brings out his specials board, looks across the street at the Chinese restaurant and calls out to the owner:

"Hey, Chan! What comes with your specials today?"

"Flied lice!"
<...

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The wrong hand

'Hey, what happened to your hand?'

'It got fractured, had got stuck in the car door.'

'Oh crap! But thankfully it's your left hand, had it been your dominant hand, would've become very difficult to manage.'

'Actually it WAS my right hand that was about to be stuck. But I had the...

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Frog joke

A frog goes into a bank in search of a loan. He approaches Patricia Wack who deals with the loans in this particular bank and says "Hi, I'd like a £10,000 loan as I am doing some home renovations". Patricia is a little bemused, as it is a frog asking for a loan, but she is a polite lady and so conti...

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I met this big breasted woman at a bar.........

.........she dragged me into an alley telling me I could have some fun with her massive tits. She then beat me to the floor and nicked my wallet.


It was a booby trap!!

A man walks into a barber shop..

A man walks into a barber shop looking to get a clean shave. The barber gives him a small wooden egg and tells him to put it under his cheek to help with the shave. The man is skeptical at first but he inserts it into his mouth and sure enough, the shave is done beautifully with no nicks or scratche...

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The trip to Home Depot

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point o...

For five years my mother tucked me in at night...

she really wanted a girl

Credit goes to my friend Nick for telling me this one. Hi Nick!

A Doctor Joke

As she laid there next to me starting to sleep I said to myself, "Nick, I'm sure you aren't the only doctor to sleep with their patient.

But then another voice told me, "Nick, you are a veterinarian."

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A man walks into a bar.........

So a man walks into a local bar. As he walks in he notices a room to the right. This room had four inch plexiglass walls and a faint locking system. In this room it was stacked chest high in 100 dollar bills. He contemplates what it could possibly be for. As he sits down at the bar he asks for a dri...

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