I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

Zoom meetings are basically seances with the living...

Brian, are you there? Make a sound if you can hear us. Is anyone with you? Can you hear us?

"Zoom meetings" is a stupid name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like "coworker video chat"...

Or something shorter, like "co-vid".

The International Flat Earth Society Annual Conference was going to be held on Zoom this year.

Unfortunately they all agreed on the same start time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Military officer got caught masterbating on a Zoom call

You could say it was an honourable discharge.

Turning off your Zoom camera is like getting food from a buffet at a party

You want to do it, but you don't want to be the first, and you definitely don't want to be the only

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher is teaching a 5th grade class on Zoom.

The teacher says to Susie, "Tell the class why you want to be a teacher."

Susie says, "Actually, I want to be a stripper."

The teacher asks, "A stripper? I thought you wanted to do my noble profession."

Susie says, "That was before I saw your tiny apartment."


(Origina...

The 12 Days of Corona

In the year 2020, the pandemic gave to me:
12 Cancelled Plans
11 Face Masks
10 Sanitizers
9 Murder Hornets
8 Zoom Calls
7 Mental Breakdowns
6 Feet Apart
5 Curbside Pickups
4 Quarantines
3 Travel Restrictions
2 Karens Complaining
And a massive shortage of Grocery S...

I told a joke over my zoom meeting

It wasn’t even remotely funny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Those Zoom doctor appointments are not very good.

Especially when your doctor has you stick your finger up your own ass and then you find out that he isn't really a doctor and you are in the wrong meeting.

No one turns on their camera in zoom

they have been infected by Novid-19

President Joe Biden announced that he would give a free bottle of Bud Light to anyone who got a vaccine.

Not to be outdone, the next day, the President Obrador of Mexico announced that he would give a bottle of Corona to anyone who got a vaccine.

The day after, the President Higgins of Ireland announced that he'd be giving out free bottles of water.

Biden and Obrador were confused and gav...

During a zoom band class the teacher asked a student to name different notes. As he was reading them he stopped suddenly and said, "I forgot what note this is"

A bandmate put an F in the chat.

Me: This show is boring...

Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference!

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German log on to a zoom call

The host wants to check if his video is working, so he says: “Can you all see me?”
The Englishman says “Yes”. The Frenchman says “Oui”. The Spaniard says “Si”. The German says “Ja”.

What Do You Call Mondays without Any Zoom Meetings?

Meetless Mondays

How does an old man zoom in in Skyrim?

The elder scrolls

I’m getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls...

Now I’m making ends meet by making meets end!

It is in the news today that Florida is having its first remote trial via zoom

It’s looking like things will be settled out of court

My dad tried to host a workout session for our family over zoom

It didn’t work out

What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?

A Mute-ation

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars are zooming by, while he waits for a break in traffic. Then a Chicken walks by and says " don't do it.. "

" .. you'll never hear the end of it "

True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies,

“Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”

Been laughing at that one all day.

Why was CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin jacking off on a Zoom call?

Because last month they switched over from WebEx.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student is late for a zoom class...

"What took you so long?" the teacher asks.
"Technical difficulties" the student answers.
"I've heard that excuse a hundred times, let me guess, your wifi didn't work?"
"My clock"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Raise your hand if you've been caught masturbating on a Zoom call.

Maybe you should have raised the other hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm really loving my new Note 20 Ultra, now with up to 5x optical zoom!

I can finally take a dick pic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zoom Thanksgiving

Our potluck is going to hit everyone a little different this year. My dad will finally have the whole turkey to himself. Aunt Mary will be wasted all day since she agreed to get the keg. Grandma might go into a diabetic coma since she only makes desserts. And I hope Uncle Larry starves to death sinc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This got me suspended from school for laughing in zoom class:



A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking: CNN legal analyst caught masturbating on a Zoom call

Guess you could say he just couldn't keep his Toobin his pants

Bernie, Joe and Donald are on a Zoom call.

Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, and Donald Trump secretly have regular Zoom conversations.

Bernie: “I dreamed last night that God spoke to me. He said that he wanted me to be president.”

Joe: “That’s funny. I had the exact same dream.”

Donald: “I don’t remember talking to either of y...

A salesman was driving the back roads one day, when he saw the strangest thing...

While driving dusty back roads looking for his next sale, this Salesman noticed a chicken was running along side the road. Now, the guy didn't think much of that, you tend to see chickens in rural communities... but this one was strange. The chicken was keeping up with the car, even though the guy w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This actually happened

My school did hybrid in-person and remote classes this year. Some people always zoomed in for reasons, but most people went to school in person when they could. One day when we were in person, our teacher noticed that someone who usually comes in was zooming.

So he asks what's wrong and she ...

During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background. So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.

Turns out he was asking what's behind me on our Zoom call.

An announcement was made by the government in the USSR

Since only one in seven households had a vehicle, drivers were speeding incessantly and the government announced that anyone speeding would be fined regardless of who it was.

One day Gorbachev gets out of his hotel and is late to the Kremlin, so he tells his driver to get in the back seat and...

Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Jimmy: Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you?

Jimmy: What? Last time I asked, you told me to use "May I". So unfair!

Teacher: Quit clowning around, Jimmy, you know you can't borrow a pencil over Zoom.

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

When my female teacher's name on a Zoom call is 'something'...

Something's amiss...

The lion was a an avid golf player

One day, he was randomly paired up with another cat. This cat was something else. Every time he'd tee off, zoom! He'd go running down the fairway, often beating the ball down the hole.

Not only was he fast as but he was good, really good. Every shot landed in the fairway, or even on the gr...

Colleges are still offering study abroad courses...

...via Zoom meeting.

I put my pants on the same way as everybody else

Not at all because Zoom calls only see the top of the body.

Yo mama so stupid

She wears a face mask on a zoom meeting

Spelling matters!

I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues. The client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but he's the client.

Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

I accidentally called a presentation a "slide deck"

Now everyone on the Zoom meeting knows I'm actually 40

What kind of online exercise do sheep do together?

Zoom-BAAAAAH!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady is rolling up and down the halls of the nursin home in her wheelchair making sounds like a car. VROOM VROOM!

An old man jumps out of his room and says "Ma'am you were speeding. License and registration please." She digs around in her purse, pulls out a candy wrapper and gives it to him. He looks it over, hands it back and sends her on her way with a warning.

The old lady is rolling up and down the h...

Quarantine seasonal travel

Oman, I really can't wait to Rome around.

Venice this going to get over?

You can't say when this lockdown will be over, Kenya?

Quarantine has made my Delhi routine too boring.

I've been Washingtons of utensils.

This Spain is real.

Stay home, stay safe. What'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

I don't know how to tell my future child

That zoomers doesn't mean the generation that learned through zoom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the lockdown started, all I did was masturbate and watch TV all day.

After 3 weeks it got awkward and my coworkers decided to tell me how to turn my camera off on Zoom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

Some people say:’ why don’t they protest peacefully?’

And then here comes this guy: ‘why don’t they just do a Zoom protest? ’.

Being a freshman everyone always told me first year would go quickly...

but I didn’t realise it would ZOOM

(im sorry)

The worst part of having to do zoom classes out due to coronavirus is

I keep getting bullet holes in my monitor

Today at work, I saw three pantless beautiful ladies

in a Zoom meeting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Phones with 10x zoom are amazing

I would finally be able to send dick pics

The Grandfather and the Dalmatian

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said anothe...

Materialistic

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls ...

What is Jeffrey Toobin favorite hip hop song?

Rump Shaker : "All I want to do is zoom zoom and poom poom".

I never skydived before...

but I once zoomed in very fast on google maps.

What do you call a quick video-conference at the Mazda factory?

A zoom-zoom zoom Zoom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Long) A guy driving a brand new convertible Corvette stops at a gas station to fill up on his inaugural drive

(This is my dad's favorite joke)


He gets out of the car, throws a hundred at the attendant to fill it and tells him to make sure not to scratch it, then goes inside to buy some snacks. While he's inside, an old hillbilly wearing an old tatter shirt with suspenders putters up to the gas st...

Phil Swift has a new product

He puts on a pair of boots and says, " I present to you the FlexBoots! Now this product may seem like ordinary boots, but with these bad boys you can run up walls, on the ceiling!" He goes on to demonstrate them by walking on random surfaces. "To show you the power FlexBoots", the camera slowly zoo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A class of high school art students are broken into groups...

...and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banan...

A man driving down a freeway road at 55 MPH.

He looks out the window and sees a chicken running along side his car. He speeds up to 65 and the chicken is keeping pace with him. He notices that the chicken seems to have multiple legs but before he can confirm it the chicken takes a hard left turn down a dirt road. Intrigued he turns around and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finds a Genie in a bottle...

**A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!"**

*The guy says "Ha, Make it four"*

**The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!"**

*The guy stumbles "O...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

Astronomy is fun!

Fun fact. Recently, we learned that a star called S5-HVS1 from the constellation Grus was ejected from the galactic core 5 million years ago by the blackhole at the center of the Milky Way, Sagittarius A\*.

That star has been measured as traveling 3.7 million mph which is roughly .5% of the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wolf and a rabbit hated each other...

One day, the pair were walking through an enchanted forest when they discovered a magical frog trapped in a hole. The frog promised to grant them each three wishes if they helped him escape. The two rescued the frog, and after they set him safely on the ground, the frog croaked, "thank you! Now I wi...

At the Bee Prom...

A young bee nervously flies around hoping to grab a dance with the queen bee. Finally he musters up the courage and talks to her. She looks at him and says "I'll dance with you if you get me some fruit punch"
Excited, the bee zooms to get the punch. He sees the line for nachos, the ice cream mach...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of the only jokes I remember from childhood...

Superman was flying around Metropolis on a sunny day, and it was a boring one. No crime to fight.
So he keeps flying around the city, cruising around - and finally he sees Wonder Woman on top of a building, sunbathing in the nude.
Superman circles around the city a few times, getting hornier...

A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad...

After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.

The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.

Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was hunting in the woods with his buddy

The buddy grabbed his rifle and zoomed in and said

"Hey, I can spot your house from here. But your wife is home and she's cheating on you with another man!"

The husband, shocked, says "Not again! Ive had it with her, shoot her in the head and him in the dick."

The buddy, und...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese guy takes a taxi to the airport In the US.

During the journey, a Honda zooms past the taxi. The man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda’s are very fast because they’re made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota’s are very fast because they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Twelve-Inch Pianist (A Classic)

A man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a little man. He places them down on the counter in front of the bartender as the little man starts playing a slow, reverent, and deeply moving rendition of the DuckTales theme song. After he finishes his musical masterp...

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his ...

You don't see that everyday.

A man was driving his ferrari down a country road when a farmer flagged him down and said that his tractor died in a field and needed a little help. The man agreed to help tow the farmer's tractor back to his farm. They agreed that the tractor's left blinker meant speed up and the right blinker mean...

There was a very religious man that bought a nail factory

When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there's a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all blo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the
door saying "GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman comes home to find her husband cheating on her with another woman.

In a fit of rage, she runs to kitchen, grabs a steak knife, and cuts off her husband's member.



Still in a fury, she grabs her husband's cock and the keys to his Ferrari and begins zooming down the freeway at top speed. To make sure there's no chance her husband will ever have it rea...

Joke my 63 year old British dad just told me...

Two American astronauts zoom off to the moon, they land on the moon safely and hop out of the module. They do some routine work, collecting rock samples, checking temperatures and the like.

Then one of them sees a man in the distance sitting on a deck chair wearing a handkerchief with knots o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Speed Dating

So this guy goes out for a date with his new girlfriend. They have a great time and decide to head back to hers, they jump into his sports car and zoom off. She lives out in the middle of nowhere up miles and miles of twisting, winding, country roads.

On the way she starts to get a little bit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying over the city...

...when he looks down and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing naked and spreadeagled on top of a building. Superman thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could zoom down, do the business, fly off and she wouldn't know a thing about it.

 

So he zooms down, gets do...

Gonzales Nails

The Gonzales company was trying to market their new carpenters nails, and they were thinking about what kind of commercial they should run. One of them says "let's start with an image of Jesus on the cross, and the camera can zoom in on the nails, and our logo then comes up at the bottom!". The oth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a bunch of passengers are boarding a plane to Los Angeles...

...when the captain and first officer come on board. Each is wearing thick sunglasses and carrying a walking stick, which they use to feel their way through the cabin towards the cockpit, tripping and stumbling as they go. Many passengers are understandably quite nervous, but several awkward laugh...

A handsome middle-aged man was driving his Mercedes along the highway...

Deciding that since it was a nice day, and almost no one was around, he'd have some fun. He opened the throttle up, and was soon roaring down the road at just over 100mph.

He was having the time of his life, when a sudden red and blue flashing from behind stole his thunder. Deciding tha...

In need of your CORNIEST joke

My job does zoom meetings every day at 11, and tomorrow our ‘task’ is to come up with a corny joke. The cornier, the better. What do you got for me?

I can find jokes like this on google:
What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator.

But I really wanna blow peopl...

A drunk man staggers out of a bar late at night.

Struggling to keep his balance, he grabs on to a nearby pole to be able to stand still. A few minutes later a fire engine zooms by blaring its sirens. Looking at the truck, the man started running furiously after it and yelling incoherently, but after a good kilometre, he finally collapsed and panti...

A bear was driving a truck on highway...

Suddenly he saw a rabbit riding sports motorcycle and overtaking the truck from the wrong side. The rabbit came near the front window of the truck and asked bear, do you know how to ride a mobike and then was gone zip zap zoom. In a while the rabbit again came again from the behind of truck and ask...

A true story.

Two little fleas... They meet at a bar in Florida. They vacation together all the time. One year, the second little flea arrives, and he's freezing, freezing cold. And he says, "Ooh, ooh, I was just zooming down from Jersey in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle, and I am frozen!" And the first...

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

The cab

A Jewish guy in New York City is in a cab. The cab is going down the street when the cabbie sees a guy on the sidewalk mugging a woman. The guy is hitting her and trying to grab her purse. The cabbie zooms to the side of the road and jumps out to go help the woman.

The Jewish guy rolls down t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...

As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.

"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"

Moments later, another car speeds ahead.

"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"

...

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

A software salesman died and was greeted by St. Peter at the gate to heaven.

Upon examining the great book, St.Peter tells the salesman he has an equal number of good and bad things in his life’s history, so the choice of heaven or hell is his decision to make.

The salesman, hesitant to make such a momentous decision, asks if he can tour both places to assist him wit...

A nomad had been wandering the desert by foot for many years. He has saved up some money on his travels and decided that his walking days were over and it was time to buy a camel.

He went to the nearest camel ranch and asked the ranch owner what type of camel he could get for the money he had.
"I am sorry," said the rancher "that's not even enough for the cheapest camel." The nomad looked forlorn until the rancher said "we do have this one camel though, we weren't going t...

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.