Why is it called a zoom meeting

When it should be a co-vid

I’m getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls...

Now I’m making ends meet by making meets end!

I showed up late for a Zoom meeting...

...when asked for a reason, I confessed: "You wouldn't believe the network traffic".

The worst part of having to do zoom classes out due to coronavirus is

I keep getting bullet holes in my monitor

Some people say:’ why don’t they protest peacefully?’

And then here comes this guy: ‘why don’t they just do a Zoom protest? ’.

An old lady is rolling up and down the halls of the nursin home in her wheelchair making sounds like a car. VROOM VROOM!

An old man jumps out of his room and says "Ma'am you were speeding. License and registration please." She digs around in her purse, pulls out a candy wrapper and gives it to him. He looks it over, hands it back and sends her on her way with a warning.

The old lady is rolling up and down the h...

Being a freshman everyone always told me first year would go quickly...

but I didn’t realise it would ZOOM

(im sorry)

Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Jimmy: Teacher, may I borrow a pencil?

Teacher: I don't know, can you?

Jimmy: What? Last time I asked, you told me to use "May I". So unfair!

Teacher: Quit clowning around, Jimmy, you know you can't borrow a pencil over Zoom.

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.

I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

In need of your CORNIEST joke

My job does zoom meetings every day at 11, and tomorrow our ‘task’ is to come up with a corny joke. The cornier, the better. What do you got for me?

I can find jokes like this on google:
What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator.

But I really wanna blow peopl...

Got prescribed a new medicine for a minor condition a few weeks ago and the last few days every time I walk by an area with dirt or grass I zoom in a worm. Like (almost) every time--I don't know if it's some kind of weird worm bloom in my area or if I'm developing some kind of super vision

Should have read the side effects of the new medicine... it can cause bird vision.

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Phones with 10x zoom are amazing

I would finally be able to send dick pics

What do you call a quick video-conference at the Mazda factory?

A zoom-zoom zoom Zoom.

A snail, who was tired of being slow, went and bought a sports car wjth a big “S” painted on each side.

Whenever someone saw him zooming past, they would say, “Hey, look at that S-Car Go!”

Bill's new car

Bill decides after saving for a few years to finally buy a new red Lamborghini. He's so excited about it that he decides to go out and try it out on the highway.

As he's zooming down the highway, he sees a trucker up ahead slowing traffic, and decides to show off his new car by cutting the tr...

Me: This show is boring...

Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference!

A man driving down a freeway road at 55 MPH.

He looks out the window and sees a chicken running along side his car. He speeds up to 65 and the chicken is keeping pace with him. He notices that the chicken seems to have multiple legs but before he can confirm it the chicken takes a hard left turn down a dirt road. Intrigued he turns around and ...

A bear was driving a truck on highway...

Suddenly he saw a rabbit riding sports motorcycle and overtaking the truck from the wrong side. The rabbit came near the front window of the truck and asked bear, do you know how to ride a mobike and then was gone zip zap zoom. In a while the rabbit again came again from the behind of truck and ask...

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A Rabbit and a bear are fighting in a forest, when a wizard walks by

He explains to them that if they stop fighting, he will grant them three wishes each.

So of course they stop fighting immediately.

“Right,” says the wizard, “why don't you go first, bear?”

The bear thinks about his first wish for a few seconds and then says, “I wish that every b...

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A guy finds a Genie in a bottle...

**A Genie zooms out of the bottle and shouts "THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM MY MYSTICAL CHAMBER! YOU MAY HAVE THREE WISHES!"**

*The guy says "Ha, Make it four"*

**The Genie claps his hands and cheers: "IT SHALL BE GRANTED! YOU NOW HAVE THREE WISHES LEFT!"**

*The guy stumbles "O...

A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad...

After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.

The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.

Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo i...

A lawyer bought a brand new Porsche

He parked it in front of his office to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

Furious, the lawyer grabbed his phone and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive...

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

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One of the only jokes I remember from childhood...

Superman was flying around Metropolis on a sunny day, and it was a boring one. No crime to fight.
So he keeps flying around the city, cruising around - and finally he sees Wonder Woman on top of a building, sunbathing in the nude.
Superman circles around the city a few times, getting hornier...

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The Twelve-Inch Pianist (A Classic)

A man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a little man. He places them down on the counter in front of the bartender as the little man starts playing a slow, reverent, and deeply moving rendition of the DuckTales theme song. After he finishes his musical masterp...

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A Japanese guy takes a taxi to the airport In the US.

During the journey, a Honda zooms past the taxi. The man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda’s are very fast because they’re made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota’s are very fast because they...

Phil Swift has a new product

He puts on a pair of boots and says, " I present to you the FlexBoots! Now this product may seem like ordinary boots, but with these bad boys you can run up walls, on the ceiling!" He goes on to demonstrate them by walking on random surfaces. "To show you the power FlexBoots", the camera slowly zoo...

A true story.

Two little fleas... They meet at a bar in Florida. They vacation together all the time. One year, the second little flea arrives, and he's freezing, freezing cold. And he says, "Ooh, ooh, I was just zooming down from Jersey in the mustache of some guy on a motorcycle, and I am frozen!" And the first...

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A young stock broker had just parked his BMW

As he opened the door, a car zoomed past ripping the door from his car. A police officer happened to be walking past, and quickly ran over to the driver. “Are you alright?”, he asked. The stock broker whined, “My Beemer! Look what he did to my Beemer!” Disgusted the officer growled, “You greedy Wall...

"I'm NOT a window cleaner!"

(Inspired by IT crowd)

One gloomy day in London a man by the name of Roy walks in a park, taking a short break from his job in an IT department. Suprisingly, he runs into an old school friend named Alister during his walk, and they catch up. Alister is a local writer for a very famous publish...

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his ...

There was a very religious man that bought a nail factory

When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there's a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all blo...

The cab

A Jewish guy in New York City is in a cab. The cab is going down the street when the cabbie sees a guy on the sidewalk mugging a woman. The guy is hitting her and trying to grab her purse. The cabbie zooms to the side of the road and jumps out to go help the woman.

The Jewish guy rolls down t...

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Speed Dating

So this guy goes out for a date with his new girlfriend. They have a great time and decide to head back to hers, they jump into his sports car and zoom off. She lives out in the middle of nowhere up miles and miles of twisting, winding, country roads.

On the way she starts to get a little bit...

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A wolf and a rabbit hated each other...

One day, the pair were walking through an enchanted forest when they discovered a magical frog trapped in a hole. The frog promised to grant them each three wishes if they helped him escape. The two rescued the frog, and after they set him safely on the ground, the frog croaked, "thank you! Now I wi...

A duck was standing on the curb

Cars zoomed past the duck while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to him and said "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

You don't see that everyday.

A man was driving his ferrari down a country road when a farmer flagged him down and said that his tractor died in a field and needed a little help. The man agreed to help tow the farmer's tractor back to his farm. They agreed that the tractor's left blinker meant speed up and the right blinker mean...

At the Bee Prom...

A young bee nervously flies around hoping to grab a dance with the queen bee. Finally he musters up the courage and talks to her. She looks at him and says "I'll dance with you if you get me some fruit punch"
Excited, the bee zooms to get the punch. He sees the line for nachos, the ice cream mach...

A software salesman died and was greeted by St. Peter at the gate to heaven.

Upon examining the great book, St.Peter tells the salesman he has an equal number of good and bad things in his life’s history, so the choice of heaven or hell is his decision to make.

The salesman, hesitant to make such a momentous decision, asks if he can tour both places to assist him wit...

Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK". He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks hi...

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A woman comes home to find her husband cheating on her with another woman.

In a fit of rage, she runs to kitchen, grabs a steak knife, and cuts off her husband's member.



Still in a fury, she grabs her husband's cock and the keys to his Ferrari and begins zooming down the freeway at top speed. To make sure there's no chance her husband will ever have it rea...

Joke my 63 year old British dad just told me...

Two American astronauts zoom off to the moon, they land on the moon safely and hop out of the module. They do some routine work, collecting rock samples, checking temperatures and the like.

Then one of them sees a man in the distance sitting on a deck chair wearing a handkerchief with knots o...

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A man was hunting in the woods with his buddy

The buddy grabbed his rifle and zoomed in and said

"Hey, I can spot your house from here. But your wife is home and she's cheating on you with another man!"

The husband, shocked, says "Not again! Ive had it with her, shoot her in the head and him in the dick."

The buddy, und...

Gonzales Nails

The Gonzales company was trying to market their new carpenters nails, and they were thinking about what kind of commercial they should run. One of them says "let's start with an image of Jesus on the cross, and the camera can zoom in on the nails, and our logo then comes up at the bottom!". The oth...

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Superman is flying over the city...

...when he looks down and sees Wonder Woman sunbathing naked and spreadeagled on top of a building. Superman thinks to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could zoom down, do the business, fly off and she wouldn't know a thing about it.

 

So he zooms down, gets do...

A handsome middle-aged man was driving his Mercedes along the highway...

Deciding that since it was a nice day, and almost no one was around, he'd have some fun. He opened the throttle up, and was soon roaring down the road at just over 100mph.

He was having the time of his life, when a sudden red and blue flashing from behind stole his thunder. Deciding tha...

Oh Brother!

Here’s a little red-light story somebody told me a long time ago. This guy’s driving along, he’s got someone sitting right next to him in the passenger seat, and he goes straight through a red light. ZOOOOM!

Passenger says, “Whaddaya doin’?”

Driver says, “Never mind! My brother drives ...

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A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...

As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.

"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"

Moments later, another car speeds ahead.

"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"

...

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So a bunch of passengers are boarding a plane to Los Angeles...

...when the captain and first officer come on board. Each is wearing thick sunglasses and carrying a walking stick, which they use to feel their way through the cabin towards the cockpit, tripping and stumbling as they go. Many passengers are understandably quite nervous, but several awkward laugh...

"O Julia, You are like a fractal to me...

I enjoy zooming every part of you. "

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

A duck was standing by the roadside waiting for a break in traffic so it could cross.

It watched the vehicles zooming past, seemingly uncaring of its plight. Just when the mayhem started to lull a chicken walked up and said "Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it"

Gliding Eagles

Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers.

They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other.

The first eagle, excitedly 'Wow!! Now thats what I call sp...

A nomad had been wandering the desert by foot for many years. He has saved up some money on his travels and decided that his walking days were over and it was time to buy a camel.

He went to the nearest camel ranch and asked the ranch owner what type of camel he could get for the money he had.
"I am sorry," said the rancher "that's not even enough for the cheapest camel." The nomad looked forlorn until the rancher said "we do have this one camel though, we weren't going t...

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A man and his wife....

A man and his wife had been married for over forty years. Every night since their marriage, they would have sex. But one afternoon, the man is told by his doctor that he can't have sex with his wife anymore. Now wanting to punish his wife and leave her with out something to give her pleasure, the ma...

The Rich Man's Car Door

One day, a rich man was walking out from a store, and back to his Ferrari. He reached his car and opened the door. At that very moment, another passing car smashes into his car door, ripping it off its hinges, before zooming away.

Upset about the hit and run, the rich man quickly called the p...

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Two hobos ran into each other in a train yard...

One said to the other, "Man you won't believe what happened last night. I was walking down the tracks drinking my wine and there was a woman tied to the tracks, like in the old movies! So she's yelling and I'm struggling to get the ropes untied, all the while I can hear the train getting closer. Soo...

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Sacrilegious ad-man

Father Bill is down at his local pub one night when he runs into Don, an old friend from school. They start talking old times and eventually Don brings the conversation around to the fact that Bill seems to be a man of the cloth.

"You see Bill, I'm actually in advertising, and I've been worki...

The firefighters dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngs...

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My Favorite Golf Joke

A guys is working on his game by hitting golf balls into a net in his backyard. It's a pretty hot day and his wife comes out to bring him some lemonade. Just as she approaches from the side he takes a swing and shanks it. The ball zoom right towards his wife, goes into her mouth and she drops to ...

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