Ascent Jokes

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pi... read more

The ascent. (Ass-scent)

Thanks to my daughter for that one.

His disciples were at the bottom of the hill along with a large crowd as they wept for Jesus. Suddenly Jesus raised his head and shouted out, “Peter! Peter! Come forth!”

Peter was in disbelief that Jesus would summon him and he knew that he had to fight past the guards to see what Jesus’s mes... read more

I was chatting with him recently and, no joke, he said he always enjoyed having Ascents of Humor with us.

Bravo, dad, bravo.

“Doctor, how can you tell whether someone is an idiot, even if he looks normal to you?”

“For that, we have special questions.”

“Can you name an example?”

“Mountaineer Brown climbed Mount Everest three times but he was killed during one of these ascents. Can you tell me which one... read more

She steps onto the bus and begins her ascent to the upper deck and a hefty gust of wind comes in and blows her dress up.

The bus driver, looking up the steps at her says “bit airy up there ma’am”

To which she replies, “what’d you expect, feathers?”

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours.... read more

We were looking at the standard equipment and the fancy equipment too. I selected the most basic suction device for my ascent, and suggested Mr T do likewise.

He looked at me and said, "I ain't using no plain sucker!"

On February 29th of this year, something extraordinary happened.

I was walking across the road, head down, minding my own - when I heard it. This incessant, mechanical noise. Like spring-loaded footsteps. Real slow.

Far away, it came. Cascading against the city walls. A pneumatic sigh.... read more

A young soldier finally got his first jump in at Airborne school. The young man proudly calls home from Ft Benning to tell his dad all about it.
"hey dad, I finally got my first jump!"
"awesome, tell me all about it" said the enthusiastic father.
"well pop, first they load all of you in... read more

There is a sign by the mountain that reads ‘Welcome to Mount Olympus. To learn your fate in the afterlife, climb to the top and see the twelve deities.’

The man looks up the towering mountain, wondering how he will reach the high summit. As he starts his ascent he sees another man making his ... read more

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ... read more

An old man lay dying in bed upstairs in his room when he thought he caught a wiff of his wife's chocolate chip cookies wafting through the air.

Man, he thought to himself, if I could have just one more of my wife's cookies I could die a happy man.

As he lay there thinking about the s... read more

"Ladies and Gentlemen, heaven has reached its capacity. We can only take in ten more souls, so we have decided to take the ten that have the most interesting story of their death."

Many souls tell their tales and St. Peter grants nine souls their entry. The very next soul that comes up has on... read more

The swindler was headed upstairs to visit his friend, the forger. The bird he passed along the way was the forger's homing vulture, which was en route to the forger's publisher to make a delivery. Unfortunately, the poor bird had to fly down the stairwell to ground level and out the open terrace sin... read more

The tramp sat in his park, as normal one cold winter day. He saw a young girl playing on the frozen lake. The ice gave and she fell in. Acting quickly, the tramp ran onto the ice and managed to pull her out and get her back to shore.

Waiting for him was a man in a suit. The girl ran over to h... read more