Risen Jokes

How about using spoiler alert. Some of us haven’t read the book yet.

Lighter than air, helium tends to do that.

They bring grave news.

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"... read more

...does that mean Jesus isn’t kosher for Passover?

"No, you will eat less."

Because of inflation!

Me: "Yea, I know man. I can't believe it's risen 1500%

My professor stops writing on the chalkboard and turns around. "Nothing that raises 1500% that quickly is a good investment. I'm so tired of hearing about Bitcoin this Bitcoin that"

Me: We were talking about the cost of Colle... read more

But then it dawned on him.

Because he is risen.

But yer, I suppose that’s the cost of inflation.

A man lived in Florida in a two-story house near the water. During hurricane season one year the emergency services order the town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by high waters. A group of people evacuating stop by his house in a big pickup truck.

“Hop in and we can all g... read more

... since they haven’t risen yet.

And tomorrow he is resin.

I mean risen.

Mary, after visiting the tomb runs to the disciples and says "He's gone! Jesus's body has disappeared."

Simon: "Maybe he was given UpJesus"

Mary: "What's UpJesus?"

Jesus {Risen}: "Not much. What's up with you"

Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.

If the sun has risen on Sunday, then it's just Sunday. If the sun has set on Sunday, then it will be just day, not Sunday. But if it's 12 am on Sunday, Sunday will be now Moonday.

A preacher in New Orleans is known to be a good, holy man of God.

One day, while the preacher is at home, a hurricane whips up, with torrential rains and rising waters. His neighbor comes by, saying he's leaving, and would the preacher like ride? The preacher says, "No, the Lord will save me... read more

He attended church regularly. He was a Deacon in his church. He raised his family to believe in the Lord, but never passed judgement on anyone, believing that judgement was reserved for God alone. When he saw others going astray he would keep his thoughts to himself, unless asked. In short, he alway... read more

In unrelated news toilet paper stocks have risen and plumber businesses have been unable to keep up with demands for work.

"Daddy, daddy! I just heard that vodka has risen in price. That means you'll be drinking less from now on?"

"No, junior. That means you'll be eating less," the father replies.

As told to me by a priest when I was little:

Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?"

The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney an... read more

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ... read more

Due to the rapid increase of young people inhabitating said village, the demand of mobile data and accessibility has increased. So the village's mayor intents to raise a cell tower and has tasked a company for planning, erecting and operating said cell tower.

After construction, the mayor ho... read more

He is risen.

So it’s after the resurrection and boy is Jesus in the mood for some partying. He gets the disciples together and heads for the club!

They hit the dance floor, but something is wrong - Jesus just can’t seem to get in groove with the music. He tries and tries, but finally yells out. . .
... read more

The newt is startled at first but he looks around and sees that the net is actually rather large. Huge in fact, it seems to cover the entire pond! Realising that this isn't really a problem after all, he continues about his usual magic newt daily business. He swims around for a bit, visiting all of ... read more

"Feghoot watched with interest as a husband and wife were brought in, charged with disturbing the peace. During a religious observation, when for twenty minutes the congregation was supposed to maintain silence, while concentrating on their sins and visualizing them as melting away, the woman had su... read more

Mr. Jackson was a devout Southern Baptist. He spent his entire life in dedicated service to the Lord. He never missed a church service, or an opportunity to demonstrate his great faith in The Father.

One Sunday morning the congregation of Mr. Jackson's church were gathered for service, and... read more