He has risen!

Lighter than air, helium tends to do that.

Why has the cost of balloons risen in the past ten years?

Because of inflation!

I went to the shop to buy a foot pump for our new air bed. I was shocked by how much the price had risen since the last pump I purchased.

But yer, I suppose that’s the cost of inflation.

Now You Tell Me

A preacher in New Orleans is known to be a good, holy man of God.

One day, while the preacher is at home, a hurricane whips up, with torrential rains and rising waters. His neighbor comes by, saying he's leaving, and would the preacher like ride? The preacher says, "No, the Lord will save me...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

"Bad news son, the price of Vodka has risen", said the father. "Does that mean that you will drink less", asks the son.

"No, you will eat less."

One morning, a man sat on his porch wondering why the sun hasn’t risen yet...

But then it dawned on him.

Me: "Yea, I know man. I can't believe it's risen 1500%

Me: "Yea, I know man. I can't believe it's risen 1500%

My professor stops writing on the chalkboard and turns around. "Nothing that raises 1500% that quickly is a good investment. I'm so tired of hearing about Bitcoin this Bitcoin that"

Me: We were talking about the cost of Colle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a very religious man is praying at home when suddenly a tsunami hits.

He climbs to the roof of his house to avoid the flood and starts praying to God to save him.

"Oh God, I've worshipped you all my life, I'm not ready to die. Please save me from this flood"

After a few minutes of this, a guy on a rowing boat see's the man in distress and calls out
...

One day in April, three blondes died at the same time and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"All three of you have sinned your whole lives," said St. Peter. "Normally, I would send you straight to hell. But since it's near Easter, if you can tell me what Easter is, I will let you into heaven."

"I know what Easter is!" said the first blonde. "Easter is when you dress up as something ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Post Turtle

An old man was in the ER having a wound stitched up.

As they chatted the subject eventually turned to politics.
The Dr. asked the man his thoughts on President Trump.

The old man told him that Trump was a post turtle.
Not understand the term the Dr. asked the man what a post turt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where's all the Pfizer Vaccine/Viagra jokes?

I'd have figured they'd risen by now... ??

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

Maybe we shouldn’t be eating those little flat breads during communion

... since they haven’t risen yet.

My god will save me

A man lived in Florida in a two-story house near the water. During hurricane season one year the emergency services order the town he lives in to evacuate to avoid being swallowed up by high waters. A group of people evacuating stop by his house in a big pickup truck.

“Hop in and we can all g...

Three days after the death of Jesus

Mary, after visiting the tomb runs to the disciples and says "He's gone! Jesus's body has disappeared."

Simon: "Maybe he was given UpJesus"

Mary: "What's UpJesus?"

Jesus {Risen}: "Not much. What's up with you"

What is Easter?

As told to me by a priest when I was little:

Three bad Catholics die and go to heaven. Saint Peter says to them "To get into heaven, you must pass a quiz first. What is Easter?"

The first Catholic steps up and says, "Easter is the holiday when a big fat man comes down your chimney an...

Today is 4/20

And tomorrow he is resin.

I mean risen.

If the body of Christ cannot be gluten-free...

Then I guess He is risen

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is using an outhouse....

and is taking a pleasant dump one hot summer evening. As he finishes, he stands up, wipes, and begins to pull his pants up. As his pants are coming up a dollar and fifty cents falls out of his pocket and lands in the hole from which he has just risen. "Goddamnit!" he exclaims in anger as he hurriedl...

How do we know that Jesus was made of bread?

Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.

A fisherman catches a magic newt in his net

The newt is startled at first but he looks around and sees that the net is actually rather large. Huge in fact, it seems to cover the entire pond! Realising that this isn't really a problem after all, he continues about his usual magic newt daily business. He swims around for a bit, visiting all of ...

Russia. Little Boris comes running to his alcoholic father.

"Daddy, daddy! I just heard that vodka has risen in price. That means you'll be drinking less from now on?"

"No, junior. That means you'll be eating less," the father replies.

"McDonald's sales soar thanks to all day breakfast"

In unrelated news toilet paper stocks have risen and plumber businesses have been unable to keep up with demands for work.

The Lord will take care of me

Mr. Jackson was a devout Southern Baptist. He spent his entire life in dedicated service to the Lord. He never missed a church service, or an opportunity to demonstrate his great faith in The Father.

One Sunday morning the congregation of Mr. Jackson's church were gathered for service, and...

A feghoot by Isaac Asimov.

"Feghoot watched with interest as a husband and wife were brought in, charged with disturbing the peace. During a religious observation, when for twenty minutes the congregation was supposed to maintain silence, while concentrating on their sins and visualizing them as melting away, the woman had su...

Good Friday / Easter Joke

So it’s after the resurrection and boy is Jesus in the mood for some partying. He gets the disciples together and heads for the club!

They hit the dance floor, but something is wrong - Jesus just can’t seem to get in groove with the music. He tries and tries, but finally yells out. . .
...

What did the Catholic baker say after baking the Easter Eucharist?

He is risen.

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