A new talented astronaut ascends to space carrying the expectation of all his crews

But moments just before he reached space, he decided to turn the rocket back and land back on earth.
After he got out, people questioned why he did that.
He said “my teacher once asked me what my dream was and when I said to become astronaut, she said well, the sky is your limit”

Moses ascends to the mountaintop...

Moses ascends to the mountain top. When he reaches its peak, the voice of God booms from the sky above:

“Moses!” It bellows, “This is the voice of God!”

“You’re God!?” Moses replies, awestruck.

“Yes, it is I, The one true God!”

“I don’t believe it! You’re really God!”
...

What did Jesus say before He ascended to Heaven on the 40th day of Easter?

"Beam me up, Scotty."

Saw a janitor wiping the handrail on an ascending escalator

He was cleaning up

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A man takes up Kung Fu, and ascends high to a mountain temple to train...

On his first day he tours the grounds with his master to witness the many fighting styles. Along the way he sees a warrior with no arms, and he asks his master "How can that man learn kung fu with no arms?"

"Don't you see?" Says the master. "Without arms he need learn no punches. Therefore hi...

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What nickname did the Olympians give to the newly ascended god of masturbation

Jerkules

A comedian takes her friend to a joke-tellers' convention...

The comedian shows her friend the sign-up list for performers, then they grab their seats. The first performer walks out onto the stage, and says:

"16!"

He gets a few chuckles.

"5679!"

The crowd starts to laugh

"227!"

The crowd is in uproar, practically dryi...

Found this, i think you might enjoy, source in comments

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may c...

What do you call a section of a circle that ascends to heaven?

An arcangle.

When Jesus was resurrected, an angel escorted him to Heaven in a flying car

As the car ascended to the skies, it suddenly stalled and fell.

One of the disciples looked up and said, "Guess he shouldn't have driven emmanuel."

He arrives mysteriously. He helps others, performs miracles, gets betrayed, and finally ascends into the heavens.

E.T. was a great movie.

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A Japanese ascended a tall mountain to seek wisdom from a sage. He asks: “Master Akira, why do people all think Japanese look alike?”

“I’m not master Akira!”

A famous casting director dies and ascends to heaven.

He comes to Saint Peter before the pearly gates, and Peter asks him, “Why should I allow you into heaven?”

The casting director smiles and says, “Because I’m without sin.”

Peter raises an eyebrow, and asks, “Are you?”

“Yes, I am. You see, just before I died, I worked on a mov...

Three men die together in an accident and are sent to hell...

Two of the men are quite tall and lean, and the other man is a very short, fat guy.

The devil welcomes them to hell. He tells the three men that they have a chance to redeem their souls and go to heaven. If one of them men can find something the devil can't catch, he will let all three asce...

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

The Pope dies and ascends into heaven. St Peter mets him at the Pearly Gates and welcomes him into the fold.

"Pope, welcome. We would love to make your stay here as comfortable as possible in return for your faithful service to the Lord during your time on earth. What could we do for you?"

The Pope replied "I spent my life studying the word of God, but it was always in the hand of man, and therefore...

How do the Sith ascend?

Elevaders

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An Islamic terrorist blows himself up and ascends to paradise.

When he gets there he's greeted by Allah and an elderly lady who immediately wraps her frail arms round the terrorist, removes her false teeth and gives him a huge sloppy kiss.

Confused, the terrorist says, "Allah, I'm sorry to question your benevolence, but I thought there would be 72 virgi...

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Jesus is crucified and ascends to Heaven.

When he arrives, he is beyond pissed at God. He says "Dad, why did you let them nail me to a piece of wood? That fucking hurt!" and God replies "Don't get cross with me, young man!"

A man wins the lottery...

[*I heard this joke for the first time as a 13 year old at a family party. So imagine my mild mannered German 70 year old great uncle calmly telling this joke to the whole table. I had never heard him tell a joke before. It's still one of my favourite jokes*]

A man wins the lottery after year...

The prince, after a long and arduous battle, slew the dragon. He then ascends the mountain to an ominous castle holding the damsel. The prince makes his way to her room to rescue her. He enters and asks

What's your wifi password?

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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Dam Buster?

Theres an old village in a valley some where with a Dam at one end.

One day theres an earthquake and a crack appears in the dam and the village starts to slowly flood.

The emergency services and army are called and the village is cleared, other than the village church where the priest ...

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Hitler dies and ascends to be judged at the pearly gates of Heaven.

St. Peter steps out, the Book of Life under his arm, and sees Hitler standing there.

"Hitler? What, are you kidding me?" exclaims Peter.

"I know, I know" says Hitler, putting his hands up to calm the saint "but what you may not know is that in life I recognized the error of my ways and...

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

If I had a choice between stairs and a runged instrument for ascending things...

I would choose the ladder.

In honor of the Notre Dame fire, here is the only Notre Dame joke I know...

Notre Dame is looking for a new bell ringer, so they put out a help wanted ad in the local paper.

After a few days a man with no arms shows up and inquires about the job.

At first the priest tries to let him down politely when the man insists that they bring him up to the tower s...

A man wants to be an Eskimo...

He meets with the chief and asks him what it would take to become an Eskimo. The chief, wary of letting a white man into his clan, devises a series of impossible challenges. He says, "If you truly want to become part of our Eskimo family, you must do three things: 1) You must drink one gallon of 151...

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A Chinese man and a Jewish man are in an elevator..

..As they ascend floors, the Jewish man turns to the Chinese man and blurts out "You know what.. I don't like Chinese people too much." Taken back, the Chinese man asks him why. "Because you guys were responsible for Pearl Harbor!" Shocked, the Chinese man responds "That was the Japanese.." The Jew ...

A man goes to a wizard to get his fortune read. (antijoke)

He arrives at the wizard's tower and ascends the cobblestone stairs to face the large oak door. After knocking on the door, a raspy voice answers from within.

"What do you want? I'm rather busy and have no time for pests."

The man responds, uncertainly, "I wish for you to read my fortu...

Friedrich Nietzsche Dies

As he ascends up to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism. He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.

Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says "I'm God, ...

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Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

On a casual drive from drinking a blond, red, and black haired women died in a car crash.

When they died God said to them that they could get into heaven if they could climb 100 steps with jokes inscribed on them and never laugh. So they started their ascend. Unfortunately the black haired woman laughed on the 21st step and fell off the steps to heaven. The red head laughed on the 43rd s...

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Upon discovering that he lost WWII, hitler heads to his bunker and shoots himself with a pistol.

He feels himself ascending and a floaty feeling, and comes face to face with a glowing figure.
"Who the hell are you?" He asks.
"I'm an angel from heaven, mr Adolf!" Says the angel.
"Why am I in heaven? I've committed every single cardinal sin of the church!" exclaims Hitler.
"Well you'r...

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

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A businessman dies and gets to meet StPeter

Peter knows of the mans history and so offers him either, he enters hell for all eternity OR he can climb the “Ladder to success” a literal golden ladder.

Of course he chooses to climb.
StPeter imposes his terms, once you leave one level of the ladder you may only go up.

So agree...

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The Moon landings were staged...

... specifically, they had three stages, which were discarded in sequence as the rocket ascended to space to save on mass.

Mix-up in Heaven

A bus full of people, all of whom were incredibly unattractive, crashes over a cliff. Everyone dies. They all ascend to Heaven. While waiting at the gates, God himself comes to greet them. "Hey, sorry about that. I know you weren't expecting to go that way. But you, know... divine plan." He proceeds...

The church was looking for a new bell ringer...

..and they put out an advertisment to find someone. After weeks of waiting, a man with no arms shows to apply. The clergy decided to let him try, given that no one else has shown up. They ascend up to the top of the bell tower and the priest tells the armless man to just have at it. The armless man ...

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A professor sits with a farmer in a train.

Bored, the professor says to the farmer : "I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?" The farmer nods.

The professor asks the farmer: "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?...

A swindler Passes by a bird in the stairwell of an appartment building

The swindler was headed upstairs to visit his friend, the forger. The bird he passed along the way was the forger's homing vulture, which was en route to the forger's publisher to make a delivery. Unfortunately, the poor bird had to fly down the stairwell to ground level and out the open terrace sin...

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Nipped In The Nuts

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, an extremely beautiful nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. The man is going almost crazy with lust for this perfect specimen, in her tight white starched uniform, her come-hither smil...

A man wants to prove there is a God.

While there is a flood, a man wants to prove there is a god. When the water is down to his knees, a rescue boat arrives. He refuses to leave in it and says "God will save me." When the water is to his chest, another boat arrives, to which he says the same thing. When the water is at his chin, a heli...

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At the Pearly Gates

An Evangelical Christian dies and is taken up to the Pearly Gates where St Peter is waiting to greet him. St Peter informs him that he has one last wish he can request before stepping through the Gates. The Evangelical thinks about it for a minute, looks at St Peter and says, "You know, there is one...

This is my body, this is my blood and this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down....

... I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there I'll tell you how I became the prince of peace with long hair. In Bethlehem city, born and raised, in the temple is where I spent most of my days. Prayin', blessin', readin' the scrolls, beside the Sea of Galilee and fishin' for souls, when a coupl...

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Was told this joke a couple of years ago and I still find it funny. (Kind of really Long)

So there's three guys in a car. One is a scientist, one a mathematician, and one a truck driver. Suddenly, one of the tires gets stuck in a pothole, the car flips over and they all die. They ascend to heaven and the guy at the gate tells them "There's only room for one of you here. You will all h...

Hans Grapje was raised

in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm.


 
Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplai...

The moral of the story...

A newlywed man arrives home one day. As he ascends the stairs and enters the bedroom he sees his wife's sister sprawled on the bed completely naked.

"I've always had a thing for you since you started dating my sister", she says. "You can have me right now anyway you want me. I won't tell a so...

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Three men hear of a wish-granting boulder.

This boulder is rumored to be located at the top of a steep cliff, so the men set out on a rather grueling hike in order to find it. Upon arrival at the very top, they find a natural monolith of sorts, and are greeted by a booming voice.

"Greetings, travelers!" the voice says. "I am the Rock ...

The pope arrives in heaven...

After decades of faithful service, the pope finally dies and ascends to heaven where he is greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter.

"Welcome! For living such a good life and serving God all these years, you're welcomed to heaven and may go anywhere and see anything your heart desires for ...

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I just adore this one from Arthur Koestler.

Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be behe...

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Wisdom of the Buddha

So a man is looking for enlightenment and he reads and studies and learns all he can but he hits a wall. He just can't seem to learn any more so he decides to go to tibet to speak to one of the masters there. He climbs a mighty mountain and sees the master meditating on top, like you see in movies a...

2 hunters hire a pilot and fly to the jungle...

...and they hunt alot of things and prepare to go back home. Seeing the huge amount of things that the hunters brought back, the pilot exclaimed, "the plane will never fly well with that much stuff on!"
The hunters tell the pilot," relax, we hunted this much last year!" Reluctantly, the pilot dec...

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The Watchmaker

The Boy was due to meet his friends down the third alley from the green sign. The bar at the end of that alley, they had said, was a place where spirits and souls mixed together with the languid flow of warm summer air.

But The Boy had started drinking when the sun was still ascending, and n...

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A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A ...

Jesus vs The Sea

Jesus after just been crucified reappears to his disciples to tell them for their kindness he will grant them a single wish before he ascends into heaven.
The disciples gather together to confer and after much discussion Peter says "Can you do that walking on water thing again?" "It looked pretty...

The Sea Serpent

Once upon a time there was a great swimmer. He lived near the sea and every morning he went for a swim.

One day there was a huge storm. Dark clouds were gathering and there were great thunders. The swimmer did not care. He jumped into the sea and started his usual routine.

Alas, the ...

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Topical Jokes (5/14)

Folks, folks. What a day! There are some good jokes out there to be had. Let's take a gander, shall we?

There's already some news out of the presidential election front...

Some are reporting Gov. Christie is losing weight just so he can make a run in 2016. Not to be outdone, Sen. Rubio...

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X-men get captured.

Wolverine, Cyclops, and Magneto are captured by Mr. Sinister. As they regain consciousness they realize they are naked with their testicles in a vibranium clamp hanging from a vibranium chain that is slowly being lifted to the ceiling. As they realize they are about to be painfully suspended only by...

Spelling bee in heaven.

A married woman named Harriet was very ill and passed away. When she ascended into heaven, an angel was waiting for her. The angel said, "You can be allowed into heaven, if you spell a word for me." Harriet replies, "OK, what's the word?"
"The word is love."
"L-O-V-E, love." Harriet spells....

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A coachload of nuns is driving along...

When suddenly there's a huge crash and there are no survivors. All the nuns ascend to Heaven, where they are told by St. Peter to stand in a line to go through.
"Hello ladies, I'm sorry but before you go through there's a slight formality. Sister Anne, please come forward. Have you ever touched a...

A Church in Ireland needed a bellringer...

...for their new belltower, so they put out an advert in the local paper.

*Bellringer needed for the dawn bell. Large bell, strength needed. Apply in person at the church*

Sure enough, the next day there is a knock on the door. Father Angus answers, eager to meet the applicant.
...

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Two Missionaries...

Two missionaries were ascending a hill in an expedition to convert the hostile unreached jungle inhabitants.

Since very few had ever returned alive from the unfriendly summit very little was known. The two agreed that the best way to win them over was with gifts from their food provisions. ...

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