UPJOKE
warehousestorerepositorydepositdepotcachememoryhardwaredepositorystowingstoredretentionstockpilingstoringdeposition

With all the increases in computer processing and storage...

You would think Microsoft would have released ExExcel by now.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

Did you know in the Middle Ages there were large storages of lettuce in the middle east

That’s where they kept the Saladin

There lived a family of the Jacksons...(long)

The parents ran a nail store, and their son was a marketologist. Once the father said: "We're going on vacation, look after the store while we're gone". Son says: "Dad, I'm a marketologist, how can I sell your nails? I know nothing about them!" Dad replies: "I know you can handle it. Maybe make an a...

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One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage.

While he is there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is locked. Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about the trunk.

She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. ...

Don't have enough storage?

Buy a chinese phone, so you are ensured that CCP has backup of all your data.

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Three dudes show up at the Pearly Gates to get into heaven. St. Peter asks them how they died...

The first guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, and a fuckin' storage trunk fell out of the sky and crushed me to death!"

The second guy says, "I came home early from work, and my wife was in bed all sweaty and breathless. I'd been suspecting she was cheatin...

No vacation

With the high cost of gas and the airlines canceling flights right and left, I've come to the realization I won't be taking a vacation this year. I even told my luggage that as I sadly put them in storage. Now I'm dealing with a lot of emotional baggage.

Good reason for a divorce?

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have a couple of acres outside the town, but it does have a big lawn and some fruit trees so it's not like empty ground."

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, ...

In 1919, a storage tank full of molasses in Boston exploded, causing a flood that killed 21 people.

I guess you could call it the Boston Molassacre.

A beautiful young woman is standing at the edge of a pier in New York City, debating jumping in and drowning herself

A sailor passing by sees her and yells, "Lady! Don't jump! I don't know what the problem is, but it's certainly nothing worth killing yourself over!"

She tells the sailor, "I've just been so depressed with my life. Nothing I try works and everything ends in failure. I don't see the point in g...

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

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You decide to get some new water storage tanks for your house out in the countryside.

The plumber doing the installation, some guy called Terry, arrives hours late, completes the job way over schedule and overcharges you, so you give him the finger and pay him in one-cent coins (which you've saved for occasions like this). Terry says nothing and leaves, but unbeknownst to you, he fir...

What do you call an artist with plenty of storage?

A drawer.

Two people were having a competition to name a storage unit, one of them wanted to call it a "sneaky shelf" and the other thought "deep cupboard" would fit nicely.

In the end the votes were almost even, so they called it a draw

How much storage does a skeleton have in his computer?

One terrorbyte

What was the first form of digital storage?

gloves

the world’s best cloud storage service was released today, called Titanic.

It’s always synching

How much storage frees up when Great Britain leaves the EU?

1 GB

My wife asked me to do some DIY to build some storage for our collection of encyclopaedias..

But I'm no good at DIY, so I went to the library to find out how to do it and asked the lady behind the desk..
"Do you have any books on shelves?"

Due to an accident about a month ago, I had too many clones running about at home, so I decided to take some to self-storage.

After making some new arrangements, I went today to pick them up. When I got there, they told me that my clones had been kicked out a couple of weeks ago because they don't allow residency in their units. I'm doing my best to stay calm, but I know it's going to take more than a few minutes to coll...

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The bathroom is basically extra storage.

It's where I keep all my shit.

Credit to u/mynock33

Today I wrote my first fully original joke. It's bad.

So there was once this one giant who had magic powers. So the giant being so tall and heavy was afraid of storing things on the floor because he would sometimes step on them and break them without realizing it.

After enough times of that happening he decided he would use his magic to just ma...

What's a furry's favorite file storage format?

.rawr

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My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.

I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

Claims that cloud storage is the future of smartphone memory issues

Sounds good, but I have no data to back it up.

What do you call the troublesome storage area under your roof?

Problematic.

What cloud based storage service do mexicans use?

JuanDrive

What are a storage admin's favorite pair of pants?

Dockers

How much storage do you need for a mouthful of dirt?

A Terra Bite

I tried to set up multiple knock knock jokes about data storage...

But nobody would take a byte.

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What's the worst storage system?

Septic tanks. They're shit storage.

What company has the most storage?

Tupperware

- Gus Sorola

I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds.

I'm calling it "CDs Nuts"

My friend just told me he's opening up an underground water storage facility.

Oh, three of them, actually.
Well, well, well...

What do you call popular mass storage?

Metabyte

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

heard this on Storage Wars

A Chinese couple own a restaurant, they're in the bedroom and the husband asks if they can 69 and the wife says why you want beef and broccoli now?

A lady arrives at a post office...

...and asks the postman:

"Hi, can I call my mom? I'm out of cash and I need to talk to her urgently".

The postman says "No money, no phone call, miss".

"I will do everything you want, please I really need to call my mother!" - the lady proceeds.

"Music to my ears" - the p...

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

I unfriended an overweight friend on Snapchat.

My phone gained a gigabyte of storage back.

Was helping my mum move some stuff from

her room to storage. She pointed out a mirror and proceeded to ask “Would you be able to take this downstairs for me?”

I responded, much to her disappointment...

“I can see myself doing that”

What is another name for all the bodies of water on the Earth?

Cloud Storage.

(Original joke!)

After 25 years away, a man comes back to his home country for the holidays.

He decides to explore his old neighborhood, and when he reaches the building where he used to live, he notices that the shoemaker's shop across the street has not changed a bit.

All sorts of memories arise to the surface of his mind as he used to pass this shop everyday. And then he remembers...

We had an explosion in one of our chemistry labs last week.

Nobody got hurt, but the chemist responsible is the laughing stock of his group.

We use a lot of helium in the military, that's why when there's a shortage you can't get it for balloons - it's being stockpiled by the DOD. We use it to stabilize a variety of substances for storage.

On...

Three thieves went for thieving at a potato farmers house

They went into the storage to steal some potatoes. But after a while, the farmer eventually woke up. So, got into the storage to check what's happening. No options left, three thieves hid themselves into three different potato sacks.

The farmer poked the first sack and the first thief said "M...

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Something stinks on my flight

I can't find it. I know I'm not the only one. Everybody around me has scrunched up faces. Someone hit the flight attendant button. The flight attendant notices quickly as well, and begins searching for the source. She starts ripping open the overhead storage bins, smelling each one cautiously. With ...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

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Yo mama so fat...

That when she sends me nudes, my phone storage gets full.

A man awoke one evening to dis...

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator...

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My First Condom

I was 14 the first time I went to the neighborhood drugstore to buy a pack of condoms. In those days it took a lot of guts to walk into the drug store and ask for condoms because everyone knew everyone else.

Mary, the girl behind the counter, was almost 20 and knew what they were for. She...

How many moths does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but how they get in there.. I don't know.

(Stolen from an old Maxim in my dad's storage)

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A sailor on a Navy ship...

A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take. 

"Well, there's a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets ...

A Blonde, a Redhead, and a Brunette are running from some guards in a medieval castle c.1320.

They stumble into a storage room on the far side of the keep that is piled high with boxes, barrels and sacks. The Redhead hurriedly empties a bunch of potatoes out of one of the burlaps and climbs inside. The Brunette and the Blonde quickly follow suit.
The guards are about to rush past the sto...

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Sailors and Sex

A newly recruited sailor is preparing for this first long journey.

Aboard the ship, he's making acquaintances and realizes that there are no women on board.

He asks one the captain. "Captain, what does everyone do when they get horny after being out at sea for so long?" to which the c...

You can tell a lot about a man by how he takes care of his nails

Some keep them in a storage container, in a can, or just lying open in a drawer.

My house was bitten by a werewolf.

Now, in the light of the full moon, it becomes a werehouse. Not evil or anything, just more storage space.

Some engineers were arguing about God.

One says, "God was clearly a mechanical engineer. Just look at the structure of the bones, how they're shaped to carry their loads without wasted weight, how the joints interlock to give free movement, how the muscles are optimally placed as actuators with the best leverage."

The second repli...

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An Irish peasant

An Irish peasant named Kory Andrea grew up knowing nothing but potatoes. His dad farmed potatoes, and his dad farmed potatoes, all the way back a thousand years. He had spent the entirety of his first twenty years on this Earth farming and harvesting potatoes.

One day, as if suddenly, the pot...

A Lawyer Walked Into a Bank to Get a Loan...

...and a bank employee assisted him with the requirements. The employee asked, "How much are you going to borrow, sir?"

"Five thousand dollars," the lawyer said.

"And when do you intend to pay it?" the bank employee asked.

"In 30 days."

"Okay, sir, we have a standard 18% ...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

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Bob and bill are looking over the star destroyer blueprints

"Hey bob, do we need any turrets on the bottom half of this Star Destroyer?"

"What d'you mean Bill?"

"The bottom half. It looks like we have about a dozen of these massive building-sized rotating double-barreled turrets on the top half, but pretty much nothing on the bottom half."
<...

The leader of a Native American tribe just passed away

He was old and had been a wise leader for many years. After he passed a younger man became leader even though he had much less experience.
His first task as leader was to predict if the coming winter was going to be a mild one or a harsh one. In other words, did the tribe need to gather lots of w...

Daddy, what are clouds made of?

Child: Dad what are clouds made of?
Dad: "Well, EMC storage and VM ware ESXi servers, mostly.

The King and the Thrones

Once there was a king- his kingdom was made up of houses made from the hay, mud and reinforced by waterproof grass fronds from the riverbanks. The king, naturally, had the biggest house, his being the only one in the kingdom to have two floors; a tricky bit of engineering for an all natural structur...

I was trying to collect every repost of this sub by taking a picture of each one

But my computer doesn’t have enough storage

If you give a developer a cookie...

they'll tell you why it's really better to use local storage.

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Two guys are working in a morgue...

...when one guy comes in and says, "Hey man, did you see that good looking blonde they just brought in?"

"No, why?"

"She's got a shrimp sticking out of her pussy!"

"No way. You're fuckin' around."

"No, really, come see for yourself!"

They walk down to storage and o...

A man calls an aquarium factory.

He says, "I understand that you manufacture custom fish tanks of all sizes?"

"That's right."

"Perfect. You see, my company manufactures silicon breast implants. We've found that our products last longer when stored in water. If we had some kind of very large glass storage containers, c...

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High School Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After...

What do you get a man who has everything?

storage

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A man and his wife....

A man and his wife had been married for over forty years. Every night since their marriage, they would have sex. But one afternoon, the man is told by his doctor that he can't have sex with his wife anymore. Now wanting to punish his wife and leave her with out something to give her pleasure, the ma...

Archaeologists recently unearthed a computer dating back to prehistoric times

It had a jurassic pterobyte of storage space

Yo mama so fat..

...she took one selfie and her brand new phone said "Insufficient storage".

iPhone 7 is revolutionary!

•no headphones jack
•no wireless charging
•no curved screen
•no 4K resolution (or even full HD) screen
•no VR headset support
•no 360 camera support
•no expansion storage slot

It is true revolution in scamming people to upgrade from old iPhones!

I finally found a girlfriend

I finally found a girlfriend and when I did I got really pumped. Sadly after a year in the storage she needed a lot of pumping as well.

So Apple made a spinoff of the iPod Touch...

...where you design all its features yourself. The color, storage, apps that come with it, basically everything.

However, it got banned from all Apple stores because of its name, the iTouchMyself.

A fire breaks out at a large chemical plant.....

...and is blazing violently out of control. Engine companies from all over the city keep rolling in to fight the fire, but it keeps growing worse and worse. Storage tanks are exploding and warehouses full of toxic chemicals are burning so hot the firemen keep getting pushed further and further back....

A man started a deli business.

Before long, word spread of his delicious meats and his business flourished.
One day, an employee screamed from the back storage room. The owner darted into the room and was shocked to find a stray feline snacking on some salami from a high shelf. The cashier ran up beside him and asked, "What o...

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