This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable โ€“ an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

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Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend

I responded with "I have a math test tommorow"

She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

I visited the UK recently and saw a hotel listing for 2000 pounds.

That's a ton of money

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

Anyone know the address of the church?

There's no listings on the rectory.

Yup I'm a dad who told this joke to my daughter and she found it NOT amusing.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man is away from home and has his house robbed...

He returns to find many of his things missing, including his favorite, a sizeable globe. He's sad over this, and does all he can to get it back, hoping the police find the culprit, checking local globe listings on the globe market to see if anyone's posted the pilfered planet. All to no avail. But o...

I've decided to start listing the sources of my eggs.

It's very eggs-citing.

There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator

Dad: There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator.
Son: How does that work, do you need a degree for that?
Dad: I think you need about 2000 degrees.

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