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Patent Jokes

A homicidal and a suicidal patent are put in the same room in a psych ward.

The suicidal person says "well that makes 2 people that want me dead."

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

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A man goes on a date with a patent examiner.

Things are going well, so they go back to his place, and end up having sex.

Afterwards, the man asks his date, "So, do you want to do this again tomorrow?"

His date replies: "I will report that your technique, while novel, is obvious to one skilled in the art. Also I found some of you...

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My patent for a gold-plated butt plug got rejected

Apparently Apple has cornered the market on expensive toys for assholes.

Why did the Inventor of sandals take back his claim for a patent?

He got cold feet

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A farmer walks into a patent office

He tells the clerk that he'd like to get a patent for a new fruit he's grown. Confused, the clerk asks "what's so special about a new fruit?"

The farmer replies "on one side it tastes like an apple and on the other it tastes like an orange."

The clerks immediately replies "bullshit!" S...

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A little old Italian man goes to the US patent office.

He sits patiently in the waiting room with a small brown bag in his lap. After about an hour, a young man greets him and invites him into the office.

The worker asks the gentleman why he was there. The Italian man says, “ima gonna show you sumtig. You gonna love it!”.

He opens the bag...

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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

Took awhile for the Trump administration to finally register and patent the cure for COVID-19 under...

ISO-LATE

Cardio B's attempt to register "Okurrr" as a trademark has been denied by the U.S. Patent Office.

Luckily, she has a backup plan: "Mediocrrre".

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Viagra is getting ready to lose their patent.

It’s a hard pill to swallow.

While working at the Patent Office, I discovered the Theory of Irrelativity.

But then I decided it didn't matter.

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"...

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A man walks into a patent office

and sits down with an office worker and says he wants to patent an apple. The worker says "Sir, you can't patent an apple". The man says "Take a bite". The office worker takes a bite and surprised yells out "Wow! this tastes like bananas!" The man says "Yeah I know, turn it over". The worker turns o...

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Once Viagra's patent expires....

There's gonna be stiff competition

A man takes a wallet to the patent office..

...and tells the patent officer he would like to apply for a patent for this special wallet he had designed. The patent agent tells him that he is about a hundred years too late to get a patent for a wallet. The man says,”I don’t think you understand. This is a special wallet made from foreskins. Wh...

A man goes along to the Patent Office...

A man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's silly! Can't you thin...

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A man walks in to the patent office with an apple and sets it on the counter and says...

...."I want to patent this apple", the patent officer says "That's just an apple you can't patent that", the man says "Oh, but this is a special apple. It taste like pussy.", patent officer looks confused and the man says "go ahead take a bite". The patent officer plucks up the apple and takes a b...

Manyard Begley, a wealthy patent lawyer, had a lovely summer house in rural maine.

Manyard Begley, a wealthy patent lawyer, had a lovely summer house in rural maine. Each year, he invited a different friend to spend a week or two with him.

One year, he decided to invite a friend from the Czech Republic. The two friends had an amazing time together, rising early and going h...

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

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I just patented my new combination aphrodisiac and stool softener!

SexLax: "Easy come, easy go!"

Wow! A sort-by-new gold! I'm honoured!

I patented a design that would till the earth as it cut the grass

But no one wanted to buy my Hoe-Mow

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I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire

I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

As the result of an accident, a man lost teeth and had to have a partial plate made.

His dentist built a standard dental plate and fitted it into his mouth and it worked just fine.

In three months, the man was back at his dentist. The dentist looked in his mouth, and the plate he had just put in was so deteriorated it was beyond repair.

The dentist was shocked that it ...

I’ve invented a biro with a bell attachment.

Patent pen ding.

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Peaches

A man goes to the patent office and tells the clerk that he would like to patent a powder which you sprinkle on your wife's vagina which makes it taste like peaches.

"Get out of here.", the clerk says, "I can't patent anything like that." The man glumly leaves the office.

However, he i...

Some Crazy Inventions That Never Got Patented

1. Underwater Hair dryer.
2. A parachute that opens on impact.
3. Non-stick glue.
4. A telescope that makes objects look further than they really are.
5. A microscope that makes objects look smaller than they really are.
6. A solar powered flash-light that only works during the day.<...

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

The inventor of the umbrella was going to call it the brella,

but when he went to register the patent , he hesitated.

An inventor is about to pass, leaving all he has to his only family. His two children.

He was a very altruistic person in life, only using his inventions to help people and not make any profit. His daughter admired this trait and followed this path becoming a tinkerer herself. His son, however, was an opportunist. He would always attempt to make a profit off any of his father's invent...

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

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[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

I patented a new bullet that will kill 2 deer at once

You get more buck for your bang!

The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes

Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019

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Inventor

So there is an inventor who is walking into a patent office, when he gets there he puts an apple on the table.

"I want to patent this" he said

The other guy looked at him, confused.

"I'm pretty sure you can't patent a normal apple, is this a joke?"

"Taste it," he said
...

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Where’s The Cheese

Paddy goes to the patent office, having invented a new mouse trap. It consists of a ramp with a razor blade at the top, set at right angles. Below the drop is a piece of cheese.

Patent officer: “How does it work then?”

Paddy: “Quite straightforward. The mouse walks up the ramp. When he...

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I've just invented the Penis Watch.

I'd better rush to get it patented before someone else does.

The cock is ticking

A man is on a tour of the Yankee Candle Factory

A man was taking a tour of the Yankee Candle factory when he suddenly saw an incredibly large machine and had no idea what it was. he asked the employee giving the tour what it was, and the employee replied, “Oh! That’s our patented Yankee Candle Maker 5000™️!” The man seemed content and said to him...

Tesla, Oscar Wilde, and Sherlock Holmes walk into a bar.

The punchline of this joke was patented and then hidden by Thomas Edison.

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Apple that tastes like a banana

An inventor goes to the Patents Office to demonstrate his new invention.

"It's an apple that tastes like a banana," he explains. "Try it!"

The official bites into the apple. "My god!" he exclaims, "that's brilliant. It tastes just like a banana!"

"Turn it round," says the invent...

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Three men are dying...

Three old men are on their deathbeds. The first says "I've lived a good life. I've supported my family, I've donated to charity, I've lived a good life. But my greatest disappointment is never having sex with an absolutely beautiful woman."

The second man says "I'm a very rich man. I have sev...

Mrs Smith & The Expert.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and they decide to get in some help, by way of a man who is supposed to be an expert in what is needed. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The expert should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell.

Mrs...

The Head Teacher

Once there was this fantastic head teacher, let's call him... Mr Johnson. He had single-handily turned around the fortunes of three failing schools in his city with his tight intelligent financial control, understanding of the school's inherent needs, and great relationships with all staff/pupils....

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The trip to Home Depot

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point o...

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