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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

A man walks into a diner one day, walks up to the counter, and proceeds to order a bowl a chili.

The waitress says that the man sitting next to him just ordered the last bowl they had. That man was just sitting there, not eating the chili.

After watching him not eating for a while, the first man asks him, “Are you going to eat that?”

The second man replies, “No, you can have it if...

North Korea has declared a 'cultural war' on K-pop coming in from the South. They decided the best way to counter this would be to creat their own genre of music.

They have named it K-Boom.

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A man walks into a bar, and sees a huge jar sitting on the counter.

The jar is stuffed with $10 bills. There has to be at least twenty grand in there. Curious, he approaches the bartender.

He asks, "What's the deal with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, and if you complete three challenges, you win the entire jar."

"What ar...

A man walks into a bakery with a salmon under his arm and says “do you have fish cakes?” The chap behind the counter replies, “No”.

“That’s a pity, it’s his birthday”.


I was going to make a cake day joke...
But I feel like it would have too many layers

Jesus walks up to his favorite Starbucks’ counter and politely asks for a grande macchiato.

The barista, puzzled, inquires, “Why the new order?”

“I’ve been stuck on a tall Pike for a while.”




(An original by me.)

A man is on vacation in Spain.

He stops at a local inn to stay and is having a drink down in the bar.

Once there he was challenged by the bartender to win a free meal and a drink. He needs only score higher on a trivia quiz against a very smart chicken.

Amused and figuring he couldn’t lose to a bird he accepts. Th...

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Had COVID symptoms so I went to the pharmacy to grab something to sooth my throat. It hurt to talk, so I went up to the counter and without saying anything, gestured towards my neck. The Pharmacist paused for a second, looked at me and then said “for cough?”

So I mustered up the strength to grunt “No you fuck off” and went somewhere else.

Why does China have the most accurate step-counters?

They track your every move

I was in Starbucks today and when I gave my order to the guy behind the counter, he said "What's your name?"

...I replied "No it isn't!"

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

A rabbit walks in to a cake shop.

He walks up to the counter and asks " Do you have a birthday cake with spinach?" "No I'm sorry we don't" says the store clerk. "Ok" says the rabbit and promptly bounces out of the store.

The rabbit comes back a couple of times and asks the same question and gets the same answer so the store ...

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

From behind the counter, the bartender says: "we don't serve time travelers here".

A time traveler walks into a bar.

A man walks up to the counter and says “One vodka please!”

The person at the counter says “Sir, this is a McDonalds”

The man says “Sorry... One McVodka please!”

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A woman in a supermarket rushed to the checkout counter with a few items,

The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me, I'm in a bit of a hurry so could you please check me out?"
The clerk swerved round, looked the woman up and down, then said "Nice tits."

I was working at the bank and a lady came upto my counter and asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

A woman was working at a lingerie counter when a customer approached with a pair of frilly panties.

"I'd like to buy these," she said, "but only if you can embroider 'If you can read this, you're too close' on the back."
So the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in the backroom and described the rather unusual request.
The tailor said, "I can do that. Does she want block letters or ...

A man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter the bowl of nuts says he has a nice suit when he asks the bartender why they can talk, he says that they are complimentary

well, that joke SUCKED

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A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store...

..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?” Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

A grizzly bear walks into a bar.

Bartender: So, what can I get you?

Grizzly: I'll have a Rum...... and Coke.

Bartender: Why the long pause there?

Grizzly (*looking at his hands on the counter*): I'm not sure. Everyone in my family has them.

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Moshe wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You’ll walk again and everything; however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Moshe ...

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A man asked his local pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"

"Yes we do," he answered.

"Great! Can you get it over the counter?"

"Only if I take two."

What did the Italian baker say when a customer left her bread on the counter?

“Hey, you focaccia bread!”

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

Mr Singh walks into a bar

_*Mr Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_

_*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; ...

A woman ran screaming into the pro shop at the golf course...

"I just got stung by a bee between the first and second hole!"

The guy at the counter said "Your stance is too wide".

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger...

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. ...

I am single handedly the best counter

But I can only get to 5. . .

A dog walks into a telegraph office

It is a quiet Friday noon in New York and a young telegrapher is minding his business when the bell on the door suddenly chimes and a dog walks in.

The telegrapher looks perplexed as the dog hands him a piece of paper and says in perfect English: “Hello sir. I would like to send that to my f...

A blonde goes to the counter and in a very loud voice declares, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please!”

The lady behind the counter is astonished and says,” Ma’am, this is a library.”
The blonde apologizes and leans in close and says in a whisper, “I’ll have a cheeseburger, a small order of fries and a Diet Coke, please.”

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest peni...

The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me ...

An old man walked into a bar and sat next to me...

He looks at me and notices my whiskey.

"Hey barkeep," he says. "I'll have some whiskey too."

"You got it," the barkeep replies.

So the barkeep pours him a glass and the old man makes a disgusted face.

"No no no. Do you have any Mosgaard?" Asks the old man.

"I'll se...

Puddles

A duck walks into a bar sits at the bar counter and orders a beer. The bartender seeing the duck is a bit surprised so after getting him his drink he asks the duck what brings him here.

The duck looks over and says well he’s had a rough day, you see says the duck I’ve met up with Jerry a fel...

A 4’6” woman walks into a matchmaking service…

A 4’6” (137cm) woman walks into a matchmaking service.

She says to the man behind the counter, “I’m really insecure about my height, so the only thing I’m looking for in a partner is that he’s shorter than me.”

The man replies, “You’ve got really low standards.”

.

[OC, ...

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?

'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'

The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'

The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra...

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A priest is out fishing on a lake with a member of his church.

Just when they were fixing to call it a day and reeling in the lines, the priest gets a bite. He finally gets the fish on the boat and his friend says, “Wow! What a beautiful son of a bitch.”


The priest looks at the man shocked. The man explains, “No Father. That’s what the fish is calle...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

My country is a world leader in counter-intelligence.

Also in counter-science.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

A lovely Russian lady came up to the counter where I work and said "Please, I am looking for one night stand"

I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say knife, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followe...

Never trust people who renovate kitchens

they specialize in counterfeiting.

The media was quick to attack Trump's claim that "wind energy was killing all the birds", countering that cats kill way more birds than windmills...

I can't remember the last time I heard about a cat killing a windmill...

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A man sees a huge jar of cash sitting on the bar counter.

He asks the bartender what it’s for.
The bartender says “ oh anybody can win that all you have to do is three things! First, you see that huge guy sitting in that dark corner? You have to knock him out. Second, there’s a viscous Rottweiler in the back room over there that has a bad tooth. You h...

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter. The bartender says, “Sorry mate, we don’t serve pieces of string in here, get lost.”

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, “Oi, aren’t you that piece of string from before…?”

“No,” says the piece of string, ...

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling "TGIF!"

The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!"

Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down aft...

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

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The Anticlimactic Lager (oj)

(*I just made up this joke, it takes a bit of patience but let me know if it's worth it. Either way, keep smiling!*)

Michael was a rich, eccentric and naive beer enthusiast. He journeyed around the world in search of rare lagers.

Once, on a trip to India, he came across a small bar. Be...

Monica Lewinsky walks into a dry cleaner

She tells the man behind the counter that she has a dress that needs laundered. The hard-of-hearing man responds with "come again?" Ms. Lewinsky replies with "No, just mayonnaise this time."

A Catholic priest, a rabbi, and a Muslim extremist walk into a bar and all sit at the counter.

The bartender hands each of them a menu then turns to the priest and asks, "what can I get you to drink, Father?”

The priest replies, "oh I don't drink, but I have to ask, does this really say you could get me the blood of Mary?"

The bartender responds, "No no no, Father, you misunders...

How did a Chinese guy have a Tamil name:

I recently met a Chinese man in Toronto and got to know that his name was "Kannaswami”.

I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to Canada, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter....

A young child walks into a shop and says to the person behind the counter

"Can i have some tampax please"

the man says

"sure thing are they for your mother?"

Kid says

"No"

Man says

"for your sister?"

Kid looks bemused and again says

"no"

The man with a confused look says

"well why do you want them?"...

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
...

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.



A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.



She say...

A Rabbi at the meat counter

He points at a beautiful piece of ham. "I'd like to have some of the fish there"

"But Rabbi! This is ham!"

The Rabbi shakes his head. "I didn't ask for the name of the fish!"

you walk into a bar, and you see a very, very, VERY dejected looking man sitting at the counter

"hey buddy, what're you here for?"


"to forget."


"Forget what?"


\[sips\] "I can't remember." \[passes out\]

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Pet Alligator

A man walks into a bar with a live alligator under his arms. Dumps the animal on the bar counter and asks for a beer. The bartender almost shits his pants and shouts: "What the hell is wrong with you, get that thing out of here!!"

Man: "Don't worry, I tamed my pet gator very well and he won't...

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A little girl walks into a pet shop.

She walks up to the counter and says, "Excuse me, may I buy a wabbit, pwease?"

The shopkeeper thinks this is just the cutest thing ever. "Sure," he says sweetly. "Do you want a white wabbit or a bwown wabbit?"

The little girl says, "I don't think my pyfon gives a shit."

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and ...

The Pianist

A man walked into a bar and from his pocket he pulled a tiny piano and a tiny seat. He set these on the counter. Then from his other pocket he pulled a tiny man. The tiny man sat at the piano and began playing. People in the bar gathered around with amazement.

The bartender says, “where did ...

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."

I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

Did you hear about the Olympic fencer who would only counter-attack?

He knew ripostes were the best way to get Gold.

You're all lifting the whole liquor counter up

'cause you're raising the bar.

Rock on, y'all are amazing :)

A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. “Bartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk the...

I went to a hotel to ask for a room and the lady at the counter told me that all the rooms were full. I told her my name was "Improvement".

And there's always a room for improvement.

Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"



Then he beats him to death.

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.

As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.

On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the gu...

Sushi

A woman goes up to the Sushi counter and asks the guy serving "Do you have fish balls"?

And he says "No, just normal size".

A young cowboy walks into a dirty old Cafe in Montana.

He takes a seat at the counter and notices an old cowboy next to him with his arms crossed staring blankly at a full bowl of meaty chili.

A few minutes go by and the young cowboy gets the courage to speak up "Sir, if you ain't gonna eat that would you mind if I did?"

"It's all yours f...

An Arab guy walks into a bra store

owned by a Jewish guy on a Sunday afternoon. The Arab guy finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra, it's really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The Arab guy nods and says "Sure I'll buy 100." T...

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Wife sent me to the store to buy tampons.

As I'm standing there confused, a worker approached me and asked, "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Yeah. What are these tampons made out? They are so expensive."


"Well basically just cotton, string, and cardboard." replies the employee.

After thinking for a minute...

A nasty ole gorilla walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender growls, "I don't serve gorillas here." The gorilla counters, "You better or I'm gonna do something terrible!"

Unimpressed, the bartender challenges, "Oh yeah! Like what?"

The gorilla points to a women slumped against the bar and responds, "I'm gonna go over there and eat that woman!"

The bartender howls, "Oh no you're not!"

So the gorilla lumbers over to the woman, grabs her by the ankl...

I was waiting in line at the cheese counter at the local grocery store today when I had to fart.

After ripping a silent one the guy in front of me asks the lady behind the counter which cheese smells such aromatically.

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I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.

I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full - the kid was screaming for candy, cookies... all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.”

He had another outburst in the cer...

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Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

A young man walks into a convience store

He walks to a man in his mid-fifties behind the cash register, placing a crinkled twenty dollar bill on the counter.

The young man asks for change with single bills. The old man chuckles and asks "going to the strip club sonny?"

The young man nods, reaching into his pocket for his wall...

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A mute man is going on a date

He realizes he's a bit of age and could use some viagra for the evening. He goes to the pharmacy and looks around but can't find it. He goes to the counter where the pharmacist asks if he can help. The man looks down towards his privates but the pharmacist doesn't understand what that means. A coupl...

A woman walks up to the pharmacy counter and asks if they have any vibrators...

The pharmacist nods and steps around the counter. He waggles his forefinger at her and says "come this way..."

She says "If I could come *that* way, I wouldn't need a vibrator!"

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you...

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A man goes into a shoe store looking to buy a pair of boots...

There’s an Irishman behind the counter who pulls out a box of comfortable looking boots for the man.

The man tries on the left boot, a perfect fit. He laces them up and is fairly convinced he’ll be buying them.

“Paddy, this boot’s a perfect fit. Will you pass me the other boot so’s I c...

A man walks into a juice bar and orders a smoothie. The Mexican behind the counter says "would you like to add any milk protein?"

The man responds, "No whey Jose."

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This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'

'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

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A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter

Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.

"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.

The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter...

A man walks into a bar

he notices a jar of cash on the counter, and asks the bartender, ”what’s with the jar” the bartender explains it is the prize for completing a set of challenges, entry is $5. The man orders a few drinks, all the while he contemplates attempting the challenges. After his 5th glass he sets down $5 dol...

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An Englishman, an Irishman & a Leprechaun in a bar...

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.

As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that...

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to line him up 10 shots of his strongest liquor on the counter.

The man proceeds to down all 10 shots in a matter of minutes. The bartender asks him “what’s the special occasion” and the guy responds “I just got my first blowjob”. The bartender responds “congrats, here have a shot on the house”. The guy says “no thanks, if 10 shots won’t get the taste out of my ...

A man moved to New York from India and he opened a lunch counter where he served traditional Indian foods and sandwiches to go. He decorated it in Indian style to remind him of his home city and hired his friends and neighbors from the old country to work there.

You might say he was setting up a little Delhi.

A vulture and his wife are going on vacation to the Bahamas.

With many large suitcases packed, they arrive at the airport and saunter up to the check-in counter. The agent weighs, tags, and sends each bag off, until she notices one giving off a foul smell.

"Sir, are you checking this bag?" The agent asks.

"No, sorry, that's our carrion"

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie:

today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

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A man walks into a bar, sits in the middle of the counter and orders a beer.

He drinks his beer quietly and then asks how much he owes.

The bartender says, "$3."

The man puts a one-dollar bill in front of him, gets up, walks to the left end of the counter, puts down a one-dollar bill, walks to the right end of the counter, puts down a one-dollar bill and walks ...

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A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it.

The woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?" And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really fucking ugly."

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

I went to the petrol station to pump up the tyres on my car...

So I went to compressor and put 20p in the machine and it didn't work, tries it again and still no joy...

So I walked into the shop and said to guy behind the counter 'Hey man I think your machines broken I keep trying my 20p but it won't turn on...'

He replies to me 'its 50p now that'...

A nervous kid brings condoms to the counter for the first time.

The clerk says, "That'll be $4.29 with tax."

The kid looks startled and says, "Is *that* how you keep them on?"

Lobster Tails

A man was driving through town with his windows down when he heard a man at a small roadside stand yelling, "Lobster tails! Get your lobster tails here only two dollars!"

The man hit his brakes and pulled over. He walked up to the salesman thinking this must be too good to be true.

"Ar...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

A woman walks into a diner carrying a dog under her arm. She puts the dog on the counter and announces that the dog can talk. The woman says she has $100 she’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.

The head cook quickly takes the bet and asks the dog, “What’s the thing on top of this building that keeps rain out?”

The dog answers, “Roof.” The cook says, “Who are you kidding, I’m not paying!”

The dogs owner says, “Double or nothing, and I’ll ask him something else.” The cook agre...

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A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

Went to buy a Xmas tree today, got chatting to the guy behind the counter, asked if I was going to put it up myself

I have to admit, I’ve tried a lot of things but that sounds particularly painful

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Johnny is a sponge

One night a mother and father get into a heated argument.

"You bitch!" Screams the dad.
"You're a selfish prick" the mom replies.

Their little boy Johnny pipes up with "what do those words mean mommy and daddy?" Thinking quickly the dad says "I was just calling your mother a lady, ...

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A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and ...

Fraudster who installs kitchen worktops for a living is jailed.

Police say he was charged with counter fitting.

I was involved in quite a bad explosion the other day.

I was buying a grenade and the woman at the counter said "Can I have your pin please?"

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A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
...

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One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

Hair Salons, Tanning Salons, Gyms, Spas, The Clinique Counter...

All closed.

It's getting ugly out there.

A chicken goes into a library.

He goes up to the counter.

“Book book book!” He squawks.

Amused, the librarian grabs three random books from the return stack and gives them to the chicken who leaves with them.

The next day the chicken returns the three books and says “book book book” again. He gets his three ...

A leper goes into a diner...

This one time a Leper goes into a diner and settles in a seat at the counter, orders his food and coffee and waits. It's a busy morning so the counter is pretty full of customers.

After his food comes, the leper proceeds to eat, but notices the man to his right look towards him and then retch...

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Transvestite Hooker (Very NSFW)

A transvestite hooker is getting ready for his night out. He puts on his fish-net stockings, a red mini-skirt, and his tallest red heels. While he's at his street corner, this hulking guy approaches him and belts out, "How much for sex?" The transvestite tells him that it's *that* time of the month,...

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A woman walks into a sex shop and asks the man at the counter, "D..d..d..do y..y...you hav..hav...have vi..vi...vibrators?", she says stuttering

"Why yes, maam, we do."

"D..d...d...do you hh...h..ha..have th...the b..b....bbig ones?"

"Yes maam, we do."

"How d...d....d...do you t...t...turn them o..o...off?

A policeman goes home to his wife

A policeman goes home to his wife in the evening after work. Exhausted, he enters the dark bedroom and strips out of his uniform, leaving it on the floor. He looks for the light switch but figures his wife is laying in bed and decides not to disturb her. Just before he's about to get into bed, his w...

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Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter,

"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"



"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.



"Well, wash your hands, **I want a cheeseburger."**

I asked my doctor what was the best cough suppressant medicine I could buy over the counter.

Laxatives.
I have since completely stopped coughing.

I was in a fancy lingerie shop and asked the women behind the counter "Are these panties satin?"

She said "No they are all new"...

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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

"This macaroni keeps sliding around my kitchen counter by itself, and I keep finding it at the foot of my bed at night", my brother told me.

"Man, this is some creepy pasta" I replied.

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Charles the Banana

Charles was a banana at the local Safeway, where he sat on the shelf with all the other bananas. Charles waited every day to be picked when, finally, a man picks up Charles in his bunch and buys him.

When Charles got home, the man put Charles on the counter. "Oh boy," he thought, "I'll final...

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I have just retired.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman ...

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Old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist "is there some kind of pill that can help with sex?"

The pharmacist says "Yes, that'd be Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself"

Old guy asks "Can you get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist replies "If I took 2 or 3, probably"

A guy walks up to the liquor store counter and tries to buy a bottle of whiskey with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming!! She grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter over and over and until he was out cold.

She was so upset that she had a counter fit.

That's some strong detergent

A little boy goes into the only grocery store in his small rural town. He asks the clerk for a box of laundry soap. The old man at the counter asked what kind to which the little boy replied "It don't matter, I'm just usin' it ta give my dog a bath anyway." The clerk warned him "That stuff is pretty...

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

Blonde Sells Car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.” “That ...

A guy walks into a restaurant, sits at the counter.

He starts looking thru the menu, and sees 'chili'. "Oh, I haven't had a decent bowl of chilli in a long time".
Asks the server for the chili, and she says "sorry dear, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl"


He notices the gentleman next to him with a bowl of chili, but he'...

I went to the butcher's shop...

I went to the butcher's shop around the block from my house to get some ribeyes for the long weekend. I'm excited because I don't eat steak very often and these are dry aged to perfection, cut an inch and half thick and pretty much the best steaks you can get! I'm all set to leave, when I notice a ...

An old man was eating in a truck stop

when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before join...

To counter the Islamist movement, we need to inject more christianity into our children.

No, father, not THAT way.

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One day at the gym

a mobile laying on the locker room bench rings. A guy walking back from the showers taps the speakerphone button.

"Hello?" he answers, as he turns away to his locker.

"Hi, honey!" the voice chirps. "The realtor called. The seller rejected our offer and countered with double the li...

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.<...

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NSFW A duck walks into a pharmacy...

He approaches the pharmacist and says "I need some teylenol for my headache".

The pharmacist says "Are you paying with cash or card?".

The duck replies "Just put it on my bill".

So the duck goes back the next day approaching the counter and tells the pharmacist "I need some co...

A man walks into a pizza shop and the guy behind the counter is the Dalai Lama...

...The guy, incredulous, says, “Your Holiness, you run a pizza shop?!”

The Dalai Lama replies, “Yes, I’ve always said that work is good for the spirit”.

The guy replies “I see,” then thinks for a moment and says, “Can you make me one with everything?”

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

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A guy walks into a clock shop and puts his cock on the counter...

The woman behind the counter says ‘this is a clock shop not a cock shop’

The guy looks and her and says ‘well why don’t you put a face and two hands on it’

Where are we?

Not mine:

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before w...

Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"

'Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?' he wondered.
So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
'How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"?' the backpacker asked.
The elderly Chinese re...

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

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