Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'

'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

A guy walks into a restaurant, sits at the counter.

He starts looking thru the menu, and sees 'chili'. "Oh, I haven't had a decent bowl of chilli in a long time".
Asks the server for the chili, and she says "sorry dear, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl"


He notices the gentleman next to him with a bowl of chili, but he'...

A piece of string walks slowly into a bar and walks up to the counter..

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve pieces of string in here, you are going to have to leave”

The piece of string walks out the door in a huff. He is so angry that he ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The barten...

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a clock shop and puts his cock on the counter...

The woman behind the counter says ‘this is a clock shop not a cock shop’

The guy looks and her and says ‘well why don’t you put a face and two hands on it’

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money on the counter.

He asks the bartender, “what is that jar for?” The bartender replies, “its for a contest, the person who wins gets all the money. First you have to beat that guy up” and he points to a buff guy in the corner. “Then, I have a bulldog with a tooth that’s been killing him. You have to pull it out. Then...

A lady walks into a bar and sees a handsome man sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he's drinking.

"Magic beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after not icing that there isn't anyone else worth talking to, she goes back to the man and says

"That isn't really magic beer, is it?"

"...

I went into my local news agent and put some chocolate down on the counter looking up at the man at the till

He was on his phone mot paying any attention so I spoke up and asked "Excuse me can i have a kit kat chunky"

The man at the till scanned the item and through it back

"That'll be 80p. Theres no need to be so rude in the future"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.

&#x200B;

"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."

&#x200B;

"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"

&...

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of money on the counter

He asks the bartender about it, and he replies, "Oh, it's for this ongoing... I guess you'd call it a contest."

Intrigued, the man asks how it works.

"Well, you put $100 in and then you'll win the whole jar if you complete three tasks."

The jar is quite large and full to the b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.

I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full - the kid was screaming for candy, cookies... all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.”

He had another outburst in the cer...

This happened at the Deli counter today...real life joke

Me (at the deli counter): I'd like some salami please, about a pound, sliced thin?

DeliGirl: Genoa salami?

Me: Yeah, I know a couple.

A young guy is buying condoms for the first time...

The pharmacy he goes to is in a high-crime area, so frequently stolen things like condoms are kept behind the counter. He sees a sign advertising condoms for $6.99 a box. Nervously, he approaches the counter.

"I'd like one box of condoms please."

"Certainly," says the pharmacist. "An...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men checked into a hotel. The clerk at the counter told them there are only one room left. Three men decided to share the bed.

Next morning, the man that slept in the right side of the bed said, "I had a really weird dream last night, I dreamed that someone jerked me off."

The man that slept in the left side said, "That's weird, I had the same dream!"

The man in the middle said, "I had a different dream, I dre...

"You've got a kitchen counter at home, right?"

"Yes?"
"How many kitchens do you have?!"

Today while working at the bank, a little old lady came up to the counter and asked to check her balance

So I pushed her over

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in my local newsagents this morning. I asked the pretty young girl behind the counter, "Do you keep stationary?" Left me red faced when she replied,

"Only to begin with, then I go like a fucking rabbit"

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter,

"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

&#x200B;

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

&#x200B;

"Well, wash your hands, **I want a cheeseburger."**

A man walks up to the counter at the airport holding a dead possum. The attendant asks “Sir, will you be checking that?”

The man replies “No, it’s carrion.”

A man walks into a bar and strolls up to the counter

Without a word he pulls out a miniature piano and a foot tall man from his jacket. The tiny man immediately starts playing a beautiful sonata.

"Thats amazing son. Where in the world did you get him from?", asked the bartender.

The man pulls out a magic lamp and sets it on the counter...

A guy walks into a bar holding an alligator. He gently rests it on the counter, and takes a seat.

“You can’t bring that in here!” the bartender exclaimed, motioning for the man to leave.
“Aw, he’s completely harmless, won’t hurt a fly I promise!” replied the owner of the alligator.
The bartender was not amused and again insisted that the man leave.
“Alright,” said the man standing up...

A bear walks into a bar, calmly devours the lady sitting on the counter, and orders a beer. The bartender says, “We don’t serve druggies here.”

Bear: WTF?

Bartender: I just saw the barbituate.

A Man approached the counter and said, “a burger and chips please”.

I said: “Certainly sir, will you be eating in or out?”

“You’re a crackpot,” he snarled as he turned and walked away.

I love working in the prison canteen.

How do Counter Strike players clean their computers?

They dedust it

A man at the airline counter tells the rep.

“I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.


The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”


The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

I told the guy at the counter at Domino's that I wanted a pizza.

He said, "What would you like on top of that?"

I said, "Nothing, just the pizza."

I'd like to work in a factory that produces counter-tops

so I could get paid for being counter-productive.

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

Most common over the counter medicine for Baristas

Throat lozenges, because they get coffee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I thought I'd try Viagra

I thought I'd try Viagra to see if I could benefit from them so I went to my local chemist thinking I may need a prescription.
"Can I get it over the counter?" I asked.
"Well", replied the young lady assistant, "You might if you take two".

"Hi, mate," I said to the cashier, putting my XL condoms down on the counter.

He said, "I lie sometimes too..."

"Of course," I replied. "You aren't actually my mate."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a sex shop and asks the man at the counter, "D..d..d..do y..y...you hav..hav...have vi..vi...vibrators?", she says stuttering

"Why yes, maam, we do."

"D..d...d...do you hh...h..ha..have th...the b..b....bbig ones?"

"Yes maam, we do."

"How d...d....d...do you t...t...turn them o..o...off?

Why do pictures rotated counter clockwise hate giving high fives

Because they're always *left hanging*

Man walks into a bar carrying his friends head and sets it on the counter. His friend orders a shot...

The bartender hands the man the shot and he feeds it to his friend.

Poof! He grows a torso. Excited now the friend orders another shot and again the man feeds it to him.

Poof! He grows arms and legs. Pushing his luck he orders another and throws it back.

Poof! The friend disappe...

A guy comes to the shops counter to pay for a pack of condoms

Vendor: you want a bag with that?

Guy: No thanks, she is not that ugly

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

Did you know that dogs chase their tails clockwise in the southern hemisphere and counter-clockwise in the northern hemisphere?

It’s called the Corgi-olis Effect.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a twelve year old walks into a house of ill-repute dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. He slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says

"I want one of your women."
The madam looks at him and says "Don't you think
you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another
hundred on the counter and says "I want one of
your women."

The madam says "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down
in about thirty minutes." He slaps anoth...

Abraham wandered into Sam’s pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.

“How much will you give me for this jacket?”

Sam checked it over. “$20, and that’s the best” he replied.

“But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.

Sam was adamant. “$20 or nothing.”

“Are you sure that’s all it’s worth?” pressed Abe.

“Positive”

...

A man walks up to the receptionist counter in a sperm bank...

The receptionist hands him a cup and directs him to room 1.
He says “Ok, let’s go.” She says, “Uh, you go by yourself.”

He says “But at the blood bank, the nurse always helps me.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bloke walks into a pet shop and places a bomb on the counter and says ” you’ve got one minute to get out”

A tortoise in the back shouts ” you bastard!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is checking in at their hotel.

The father says to the guy behind the counter “I hope the porn in our room is disabled.” To which the guy replies, “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck!”

A man walks up to a hotel counter to check out.

The woman at the counter notices his bulge, and can’t help but stare at it. The man asks “what are you doing?” The woman says “I’m checking you out.”

What does the spirit say to the dirty counter?

I am the clorax
I speak for the bleach.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A chimpanzee walks into a bar, sits down and slaps $100 cash down on the counter.

Immediately, the bartender begins chasing him around the bar, knocking over glasses of customers as the chimp laughs his ass off. This goes on for about 5 minutes. After they both tire, the chimp tips the bartender $50 and leaves. The bartender chuckles, and goes back to work as if nothing happened....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked up to the counter and asked the girl at the till to give me a KitKat chunky.

She handed me a KitKat Chunky. I said no, I wanted a regular KitKat, you fat bitch.

A man walks up to the ticket counter at a movie theater with his family movie...

“Four tickets for that Star Wars movie.”

“Solo?”

“No, I said *four* tickets.”

Three Fencers Walk Into a Bar.

Looking around, they see the bartender telling a drunk customer to get out, that he's had too many. The customer goes to punch the bartender, but before he can land the hit the bartender grabs his head and smashes it into the granite countertop, breaking the drunkard's nose.

The police show u...

At the ticket counter: "One ticket, please."

"Yeah, right!" says the clerk to the russian doll.

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dog, Scratch got onto the counter and ate the dinner I was preparing. I was so pissed.

Whatever. I put together what I could and served it to my girlfriend. She said, "This is the most delicious meal I've ever had! You have to give me the recipe!" "It's nothing special." I told her. "I made it from Scratch."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport...

An Englishman walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, “Do you have any felony convictions?”

The Englishman replies, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”

I walked into the kitchen and everything in the refrigerator was on the counter, even the shelves.

Confused, I opened the refrigerator and found my blonde wife sitting in it drinking from a bottle of juice, when I asked her why she was in there she said "It says refrigerate after opening!.".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes up to the counter to order a Polish sausage.

The cashier asks, “Hey, are you polish?”

The man then responds, “You think I’m polish just because I ordered a Polish sausage? If I ordered a wiener schnitzel would you think I’m German? If I ordered sushi would you think I’m Japanese? If I ordered Pizza would you think I’m Italian?”

T...

What do you say to a communist who is taking too much time at the counter?

"Oye, quit Stalin the line."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into a pub and notices a big jar filled with $50 bills on the bar counter and gets curious

MAN: What is this jar thing, there must be hundreds of dollars in it ?
BARTENDER: We have a small game in our pub. Whoever completes three tasks correctly, wins the money in the jar.
MAN: What are the tasks then ?
BARTENDER: I can't tell you, you have to pay the $50 first.
Man gives the ...

A guy orders a beer. "That will be five bucks," says the bartender. The guy places his keyboard on the counter.

"Just put it on my tab."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to the patent office with an apple and sets it on the counter and says...

...."I want to patent this apple", the patent officer says "That's just an apple you can't patent that", the man says "Oh, but this is a special apple. It taste like pussy.", patent officer looks confused and the man says "go ahead take a bite". The patent officer plucks up the apple and takes a b...

What does the Pope use to clean his counters?

A Papal towel.

A guy walks into a bar, takes off his hat and places it onto the counter. A duck jumps out.

The bartender asks, "Can I help you, sir?"

The guy orders a shot.

The bartender asks the guy if his duck friend wants anything, and the duck says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary."

"Oh! You're a talking duck!" the bartender says. "What's your name?"

"Houie," the duck says. <...

Two olives are on a counter.

One falls to the ground. The one still on the counter, out of genuine concern, yells down, "ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"

The one on the ground rolls over, quickly checks himself and replies,

"OLIVE"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sexually identify as Counter Strike...

*And I'm globally offended*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady walked Into a pharmacy and spoke with the pharmacist

She asks the pharmacist if he has viagra. "I sure do" he responds. "Does it actually work?". "Of course it does." He responds. "Can you get it over the counter?" She asks.

"I can if I take two".

I once opened a pub in hopes of serving people alcohol. But no one could see over the counter.

I guess I set the bar too high.

*A Man offers whisky to a woman* who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.

*Woman*: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "

*Man*: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "

*Woman*: "No ! They open easily !!! "

"There's some kitchen counters over there," said the assistant.

I looked over and saw one of them talking to himself.

"1 kitchen, 2 kitchens, 3 kitchens..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

&#x200B;

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

&#x200B;

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, ...

The Washington Redskins are changing the team name because of all the negativity, shame, humiliation, dissent, polarity, adversity, defiance, animosity, contempt, discrimination, division, counter-productivity and hostility associated with their name.

....from now on they will be known simply as the Redskins.

If you work at a factory making kitchen work tops and you're very good at your job

Then ironically, you're being counter-productive.

skeleton walks to the counter

counter says 206

Explained: another meaning of counter is one who counts. skeleton has 206 bones.

An eagle checks in at the airline ticket counter with a dead rabbit under one wing. The agent asks, "do you want to check the rabbit?"

"No, this is carrion."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid walks into a pharmacy and asks the doctor if he has something to counter viagra.

Doctor gets confused and asks:
-Son, every man asks for viagra, why are you asking for something to counter it?
Kid says:
-My grandpa died and we can't close the casket.

Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.

"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

Jesus Christ walks into a motel and drops a handful of nails on the counter. He asks

Can you put me up for the night ?

A man went to the United Airlines counter

A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, do you have reservations?”
He replied, “Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I’m flying anyway.”

A dog walks into a telegram office and walks up to the counter.

The guy at the counter says: “What would you like to write on your telegram today dog?”

The dog goes: “woof, woof, woof woof woof woof, woof woof, woof.”

The guy writes it down and says: “Listen, dog, we have a special on telegrams today. For ten words we’ve got a special deal but you’...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girl at the checkout counter

A girl is at the checkout line at her local supermarket when a cute guy taps her on the back and says, "You must be single!"

She thinks this as such an odd comment and looks at the items she has on the conveyer belt. Did he think she was single because she bought butter? Could it be the tam...

I don't know how people in the counter-top business make any money

Everything they do is counter-productive

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After days of driving, a trucker walks into a empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the counter.

The first reads "Hamburger: $5," the second reads "Cheeseburger: $6," and the third reads "Handjob: $10." As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the kitchen and asked coyly, "What can I do for you, hon?"

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" asked...

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter...

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight." the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for our brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.

Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation

Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bank and approaches the counter.

He yells "This is a fuck-up!"

Confused the bank teller asks "Don't you mean stick-up?"

The man scuffs his shoes on the carpet and says "No, I've left my gun at home.

An old lady goes up to the help counter at her local electronics store clutching a jar of marmalade.

"I found this in my pantry," she says, "and I'm wondering if it will work. You see? I've strained out all the peel."

"Ma'am, I have no idea what you're talking about," says the geek working the desk.

"The last time I was here," she replies, "you told me that when my printer says LOAD...

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners...

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners. On the way out of the door the lady at the counter says come again. The blonde says no, its toothpaste this time.

A guy walks in a bar...

(Sorry in advance for my English, it's not my first language)


He sees on the counter of the bar a small pianist, about 10 inches tall, playing on a small piano.




- Man: What's up with the pianist?




- Barman: Oh, my genie got me that.



...

I don't understand why banks keep their pens chained to the counter

If I trust you with my money, then you should trust me with your pen!

I was confused about how to use a Geiger counter

But then one day it just clicked

69'd the wife then went to buy donuts after. The guy at the counter said he already knew what I wanted, so I asked how.....

He said "You had 'glazed' all over your face. "

What is Donald Trump's favorite Counter Strike map?

de_port

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just heard this one at work. Clearly the boss is gone lol

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"

He replies, "It's not for sale."

The woman says, "Please I want *that* one," again he says it's not for sale.

The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred do...

A man walks into a bar and sees a mason jar full of money on the counter

*"You sure get a lot of tips"* he says.
"That's not a tip jar" says the bartender "you see, we like to play a little game here. You put five bucks into the jar, you get three tasks, and if you complete them, the entire jar is yours. Wanna play?
*"Sure, why not?"*
"Alright, here we go....

Live debate - where is the "China" counter?

Someone must be doing this :)

Drive through counter was being robbed...

While she was held at gunpoint, a cop car shows up at the counter.

Cops : Can we have 2 burgers.

Lady : give the burgers casually and passes a note that says "we have two armed men inside"

Cops : *reads the note* ofcourse they are two armed, how can one armed men make burgers O...

A Photon checks in at an airline front counter. Agent says...

Sir, do you have any checked baggage?'

Photon replies, 'No, I'm travelling light.'

A man saw a jar at a store's check-out counter that read "Donate $1 for children".

"That's a good deal!" he thought.

What did the company that makes wooden counters say to their client?

"We stand behind our product"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man approaches the ticket counter at a train station, and notices that he and the attendant have matching black eyes...

The man approaches the ticket counter, and says "Hey, look at that buddy, we've got matching shiners! How'd you get yours?"

The ticket attendant replies, "Oh man, it's the damndest thing... this beautiful woman came up to the counter just SPILLING out of her shirt. Instead of saying 'Here's ...

I took my item up to the counter.

"I'd like to return this," I said, with a tear in my eye, "It didn't work."

He said, "I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms."

Two toasters are sitting on a counter. One toaster turns to the other and says, "Do you sometimes feel empty?"

To which the other toaster replies, "OH MY GOD! A talking toaster!"

Olie walks into the diner and sits down next to Sven at the counter, a huge grin on his face...

Sven says, "Hey, Olie! Whatcha grinnin' about?"

Olie says, "I had a very nice date with Leena last night."

"Oh? Do tell!"

"Well, she picked me up in that new pick-up of hers and we went for a drive through the woods. After a spell, she pulled off the main road down this little p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a giant jar of money on the counter.

He asks the bartender, "Hey barkeep. What's up with the jar of money?" The bartender replies, "Well you see, I've got this horse in the back. And ever since I bought it the damn thing has been so depressed I can't get it to do anything! It won't eat, it won't sleep, I'm clueless! The jar of money is...

A man walks into a bar...

He walks up to the counter and says, "bartender, I'll have three beers". The bartender replies, "woah, slow down, I need to see IDs for the other people." The man then goes to tell the bartender a story. "Your don't understand . I have two brothers who I'm very close to. But now they live far away...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

... and says to the bartender “I’ll take a whiskey coke please.”

The bartender says “no worries I have just the thing.” And sets an apple on the counter.

The man, baffled, asks “what the hell is this, I wanted a whiskey coke.” 

The bartender says “take a bite.”

The man ta...

Math joke

A man was having a really bad day. His girlfriend left him, his car got repossessed and he lost his job. There was nothing left for him in his town so on a whim he took a taxi to the airport. He walked in and went up to the lady behind the counter and says “put me on a flight that will change my lif...

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A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man...

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

A hyena walks up to the check in counter in an airport...

... and throws a rotting gazelle onto the desk. The counter person shouts "what is this?" and the hyena says "it's my carrion".