I went on a date with a girl who's left breast was made out of timber!

....just kidding. That would be ridiculous.



Wooden tit.

What does a pirate say when he puts his peg leg in a freezer?

Shiver me timbers!

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A timber recycling centre placed a job ad seeking an experienced timber sorter.

And one morning in walks a guy wearing dark glasses and using a white cane.

"I've come about the timber sorting position", he tells the lady at reception.

She gets her husband, the boss, who takes one look at the guy and says, "No offence pal, but how do you intend to sort timber if y...

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

I accidentally downloaded Timber instead of Tinder the other day

Unfortunately I didn’t hook up with anyone, but I did have a lot of trees fall for me

Did You Hear That Someone Stole a Bunch of Prime Timber?

Authorities eventually tracked it down to a group of beavers. Not everyone was convinced but the evidence was damming.

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The man with the timber eye

I first heard this joke from an Australian. I will attempt to recreate it, in all its Bogan glory.

Good old Steve-o was a nice enough looking bloke, good personality, smooth with the ladies, the kinda lad you'd love to go grab brekkie with the next morning. But he had one flaw-- he was missi...

If pirates from the Pacific North West say "Shiver me timbers!", what do pirates from Iowa say?

"Shiver me kernels!"

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My Father’s Favorite Joke

One day, a man goes to a remote village and goes to the pub. He is completely taken with how incredible the bar is. Eventually he speaks to the barman and tells him how he has travelled the world but that this is the most beautiful bar he has ever seen. The barman says:
“You like this bar, hr...

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[NSFW] (language) The man with the timber eye

There's a fellow out there who's quite attractive-- by most standards, he'd be a perfect 10. But he has one flaw-- he's missing an eye, and he's too poor to afford a good prosthetic, so he's had it replaced with painted timber. It's a reasonably good job, and it's comfortable, but it's still clear t...

What does a pirate say when he sits down on a really cold toilet seat?

Shrivel me timber!

What is a trees favorite dating App?

Timber

As told by my 11 year old

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Pirate pick-up lines

“I must be huntin’ treasure, ’cause I’m diggin’ yer chest.”

“Ya certainly put the shiver in me timber.”

“See this hook? Variable speed with five alternate attachments, Baby.”

“Nice poop deck on ya, lassie. Care fer a swabbin’?”

“Avast, me pretty! Strike your panties and p...

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C**ksucker!

I was in Scotland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers, "You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? FUCK NO!" H...

Pirate Captain: I need a catch phrase

######First Mate [contemplating whether to murder his captain with a knife or his pieces of wood]:
shiv or me timbers...

What’s the difference between a pirate and a cold lumberjack?

One says “Shiver me timbers”
The other shivers in the timbers

My favorite Finnish joke

Pekka is at a party in a tall building in the great city of Helsinki, which is quite different from the small timber cabin in the forest he is used to as a lumberjack. Pekka is enjoying the party, but after a few bottles of the moonshine he brought, Pekka finds himself in the need of a toilet. He as...

You know Tinder right? Well have you heard of the new app for people trying to find trees?

It's called Timber.

A young man joined up with a lumberjack camp

On his first day at the camp, one of the old hands was showing him the ropes: when to eat, where to pull timber, all the little details he needed to know to do his job. At the end of the impromptu lesson, the old hand asked the young man whether he had any questions.

"Just one," said the yo...

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A farmer from the midwest was trying to sell his farm so he could retire in Florida.

The farm had been on the market for several months with no prospects until a man stopped and asked about the place.

The farmer explains that there were 1,000 acres half farmable and the other half beautiful timber with a trout stream and a small pond full of small mouth bass.

The man...

Why are lumberjacks such great singers?

Their voice has an incredible timber.

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A logger and fisherman are sitting in a bar.

A logger and fisherman are sitting in a bar at the airport when the logger says, "I fall timber, the most dangerous job in the world. I'm a faller, I'm a bucker, I'm a mean motherfucker." Then the fisherman says, "I'm an Alaska king crabber which is the second most dangerous job in the world. We'r...

An old Tahitian legend...

As the legend goes, when the Tahitians first found their island, after they had settled in, they decided to build a grand central hall for their new settlement. Unlike contemporary Europeans, though, they built their dwellings not out of timber or stone but out of the materials they had at hand: ree...

Farmers Only is the dating website for farmers. What’s the hook-up site?

Timber

Why was the tree stretching?

So it could be timber!

Motel insurance scam (x-post /r/Unexpected)

A few years ago, I lived in a small rural town in southwestern Texas, near the border with Mexico. My town had a few rich people living in it, and among these was my neighbor. He was a doctor, and also owned a little motel called the Spanish Inn. It was a nice place, and the doctor enjoyed keeping u...

What do you call a cold wood?

A shiver-me-timber

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A man passing through a rural village walks into the local tavern...

A man passing through a rural village walks into the local tavern. He sits down and is soon greeted by the bartender. The bartender pours him a beer as he sees the man admiring the craftsmanship of the bar.

"You see this bar?" asks the bartender. "I crafted this with my own two hands. I cut t...

What do you call a lumberjack who directs gothic films?

Timber-ton.

The Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a bad winter

so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return laden with timber from the forest he suddenly felt that he ought to check his forecast so he phoned the local met office.

"Tell me, is it going to be a bad winter?"

"Yes" said the forecaster " it will be a bad one...

A new app for forestry...

As a pretty techno savvy guy studying forestry in the U.K., I'm always on the lookout for new apps relating to forestry.

Needless to say, I recently found this great app for foresters who need help with felling trees. It's quite simple, they can upload images of trees/woodlands which need fel...

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The young sailor

A young sailor prepares for his first deployment as sea. As this is his first deployment the captain calls him into his quarters to ask the man if he is ready for a life at sea, surrounded by seamen, and away from women. The sailor thinks for awhile and replies "Well Captain, I'd be a lying scally...

A pirate ship is blown apart during a battle with the Navy.

A pirate ship is blown up during a battle with the Navy. The only survivors are an old crusty pirate and a pesky parrot. As they float together on some old timbers the parrot asks, "How's your ass?"
The pirate just ignores the parrot. So the parrot asks again, "How's your ass?" Again the pirate...

100 Lumberjacks walk into a Pirate bar...

The Pirate bartender looks at them and says; **Well shiver me timbers!!**

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A man with many talents..

An American is backpacking through Scotland and finds a nice pub to enjoy a pint. Upon entering, the stranger finds only two men in the pub, a bartender and an older man nursing his drink. The backpacker takes a seat, orders a pint and begins to drink. After some time has passed, the only other cust...

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What's in a name?

It's St. Paddy's Day in a small Irish town. Everyone is celebrating and laughing, as happy as they can be. Except for one man, alone in a pub, face in is hands. The bartender, seeing his distress, walks down and says, "What's the matter, lad? It's St. Paddy's Day, everyone in Ireland should be celeb...

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