Have you heard the story of two furnaces that fell in love?

Every time I read it, it smelts my heart.

My furnace broke down on me.

So I'm having a housewarming party.

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A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

A man working at the Federal Reserve

A man working at the Federal Reserve was hired to manufacture pennies. On his first day, the supervisor walked him around the manufacturing area.

“This first machine melts down large blocks of metal. The liquid metal is then poured into a mold that makes a smaller block. That smaller block ...

One day, a woman had 99 children.

She was the first woman to have this many children, and she was extremely surprised, and also shocked since she did not have the patience to come up with a name for every one, so she decided to name them simply 1-99. So the first child was one, and the next was two, and so on.

Three years lat...

An eighty year old man is in the hospital waiting room about to be a first time father.

The nurse comes out of the opperating room as says "Good news sir your wife just gave birth to twins. You have two healthy baby boys. "

The old man stands up excitedly and takes off his hat exposing his silver hair. He says to the nurse "It just goes to show you even if you have snow on the r...

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Hitler and the Devil are bored in hell. [NSFW]

So the Satan and Hitler are chillin in hell. Hitler mentions "Damn dude im so bored what is there to do around here?"
Satan just says "I know exactly what to do!" and waves at Hitler to follow him.

They enter a dark room, when Satan sparks up the lights Hitler sees a huge furnace in the mi...

Yo momma's so poor,

when I stepped on a lit match in her house, she yelled "Who turned off the furnace"!

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Lenin headed directly to Heaven after he died.

He thought he had done much good for the oppressed and deserved retirement in Heaven. He arrived at the gates.

"Who's there?"

"Vladimir Ilyich Lenin."

"Okay, okay! Last one in be sure to close the door. It's kind of cold in here..."

God checked Lenin's dossier and decided...

Why the different branches of the military can't work together:

The reason why the services don't get along? They don't speak the same language. For example, if you tell a soldier to "Secure the building." he's going to set up claymores and machine gun nests with interlocking fields of fire. If you tell a Marine to "Secure the building." he's going to pie every ...

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A Jewish man named Moishe is on his deathbed

His wife of 60 years, Sarah, is there. He turns to her. "Sarah, we've had a long life together. Been through a lot, haven't we? You've always been there for me. When my shop burned down, you were there with me." She replies "I was, Moishe." He continues "and when the Nazis invaded our homeland and t...

My wife got very upset at the funeral the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists

And Jeeeeez, you should’ve heard her when she went in the furnace.

An old Saint's joke

A Cajun died and went to hell.
The devil assigned him the usual punishment...put him in the mass pit where the heat was melting others. The devil came back sometime later, surprised to find the Cajun just sitting around, not even misting, much less sweating. "How come you're not so much as swea...

An investigation was carried out by a foundry...

since somehow people were getting a hold of their new ingots before they started selling them publicly. They investigated the entire foundry and found out that the man in charge of working the furnace was selling the ingots illegally, under the table. This only proves that he who smelt it, dealt it....

My mother-in-law made a real exhibition of herself at the funeral, crying and wailing

Especially when she went in the furnace.

An old man marries his young girlfriend...

...and naturally everyone is skeptical about the legitimacy of this relationship. He's wrinkled and arthritic, and she's a hot young blond barely into her 20's.

His brother asks, "How can you keep up with her in the bedroom?"

He puffs out his skinny old-man chest and says "My skin m...

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