UPJOKE
recollectionbrainretentionremembrancestorageconsciousnessstorehippocampusmindretrievalrecallinformationcomputerhardwareremembering

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

My favourite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandfather.

Until my mother hid his urn away from me.

Credit. Sandi Toksvig

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

My exceptional memory allows me to memorize a sequence of more than a million numbers

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

Are people born with a photographic memory....

....or does it take time to develop ?

I have the memory of an elephant

When I was six, my parents took me to the zoo. There I saw an elephant.

One of my happiest memory is when I won the science fair in highschool.

I mixed charcoal, saltpetre and sulfur and blew away the competition

Everybody picks on me because apparently my “memory is so bad”

But I cannot remember the last time I forgot something.

A man awakes to find himself lying by a lonely country road with no memory of who he is and how he got there. Then a genie appears...

"What is your third wish, master?" the Genie says.

Confused, the man feebly asks, "My wish?", "Who are you, and why can't I remember anything?"

"I am your genie," the Genie replies. "You are here because your second wish was to forget who you were and be taken far away from everything ...

Memory

A tourist was introduced to a Native American Indian in New Mexico who was said to have a perfect memory. Skeptical, the tourist asked, "What did you have for breakfast on September 10, 1943? " The Indian answered, "Eggs. " The man scoffed, "Everyone eats eggs for breakfast. He's a phony. "Thirteen ...

My favorite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandmother

Until my mom took the urn away

I have a photographic memory...

I need to take a photograph to remember anything.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK."
The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've read that excessive sex causes memory loss:

It was in the British Medical Journal in May last year, page 12, paragraph 3. A nice sunny day I was reading in the park ...

If alcohol can damage your short term memory…

…Imagine the damage alcohol can do

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

I'm having memory problems, I can only remember things from about two years ago.

Hindsight is 2020.

Whats the worst part about having bad memory?

I'll tell u when I remember

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's true that carrots are great for memory.

Buddy of mine shoved one up my ass 15 years ago and I still remember it to this day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Memory problems

My dad’s getting old. He has trouble remembering where he left his keys, sometimes stumbles over finding words.

But weirdly he can remember in graphic detail every dump he’s ever taken.

He has a crap memory.

I’ve met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory…

I don’t remember what did i choose though

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Memory Man

An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the barman when he spotted an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” asked the man.
“That’s the Memory Man.” sa...

I bought an avocado to boost my memory

but I forgot where did I put it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid a genie asked me if I would rather have a long penis or a long memory

I forget what I chose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

I wish you all a great 2017.

An 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with no memory and brain damage.

The doctor asked him a series of questions:
“Do you know where you are?”
“I’m at Rex Hospital.”

“What city are you in?”
“Raleigh.”

“Do you know who I am?”
“Dr. Hamilton.”

the old grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

What is 1 advantage of having poor memory?

You find all jokes on r/jokes funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A genie popped out of a bottle I found on the beach and offered me a choice between perfect memory and a massive dick.

I don't remember what I chose.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push,”...

I read an article that says "Smoking causes memory loss"

That's like saying smoking causes memory loss.

A tourist decides to visit a Native American Chief who is famous for his perfect memory.

"Okay, Chief..." says the tourist,

"Let's test that memory of yours. What did you eat for breakfast on May 9th, 1972?"

The Chief thinks for a moment, and responds "Eggs."

The tourist replies, "Wow, that's incredible! You really do have a perfect memory." and leaves.

...

My wife said, “Let’s honour his memory by watching a two hour documentary on Meatloaf.’

I said, “I’ll do anything for love, but I can’t do that.”

"The strengths I bring to this job? Excellent numeracy, a perfect memory,

and a fourth one... ugh, what was it?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having too much sex can cause memory loss!

Oh and also, I can't remember if I told you guys this but having too much sex can actually lead to memory loss!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

They say weed affects memory

If that’s true, why do I never forget to buy weed?

What do they call it when engineers get older and start losing their memory?

Dimensiona.

I'll show myself out....

Abraham asked Issac to upgrade his home computer

Issac reviewed the system and stated "Forgive me, Father but the system just doesn't seem to have enough memory."

and Abraham said "My son, God will provide the RAM."

Maybe more of a curse than a joke

I read some words from an anonomous author on the internet about 20 years ago. No context, just a single line that has haunted me ever since.

>!Nobody likes ketchup precum.!<

That's my gift to you. My guard is soon over. May these words forever live in your memory until you one d...

Calendar Memory

I learned a trick that allows me to tell you the day of the week of any day since 1700. Ever since I’ve learned it, girls can’t get enough of me. I get all the dates.

If Alkohol negatively affects short-term memory,

then what does alcohol do?

The Boy who Speaks in Coffee

There was once an Italian boy who was born to a pair of baristas. Unfortunately, he was born with a mental defect which meant that his vocabulary would be formed very early, and would be highly associative. As his parents worked around the clock to support their new son, his vocabulary quickly becam...

Alcohol can cause memory loss.

But, it can also cause memory loss.

Scientific Quacks say that water has memory...

If that is true than the water that was in my toilet must have severe PTSD.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said...

"Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do...

I have the memory of an elephant.

I saw an elephant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

I have the worst luck…

I have the worst luck, I went to buy a memory foam pillow - turned out it had Alzheimers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me excessive masturbation can lead to memory loss.

It’s the sixth time he’s told me.

My dad suffers from short term memory loss...

I hope it doesn't run in the family because my dad has it too.

In memory of Meatloaf...

I'm holding a thirteen minute silence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know people who put concrete in their ass get memory loss?

I dont remember where i read that though

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory

So did I tell you that I was told that having a large penis has the side effect of affecting your short term memory?

Why do women have flowers on the front of their underwear?

It's in loving memory of all the faces buried there.

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young (who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine) thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000
so he went to Dr. Geeze...

Three old guys are sitting around in the park.....

discussing whose memory goes back the farthest. Says Larry, “I remember being taken to the church, all dressed up in this scratchy white stuff, and having people standing around and someone splashing water on me.”

“Aww, that’s nothing,” says Irv. “I can remember this nice, dark room, and then...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An interview with an old man .

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all fucked it .

J...

Why do women have better memory than men?

Extra Mammary!!

Memory foam underwear

I bought some shoes with memory foam insoles. I was so excited about them! I told my wife I can’t wait to wear them, they have memory foam! I want memory foam underwear! She said “your underwear shouldn’t remember anything.”

i went to a support group for short term memory loss

the host said: "good evening, you're probably all wondering why you just walked into this room"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Your happiest memory.."

A TV crew is shooting a documentary in a rural and mountainous area and they decide to interview oldest man in the village. The reporter asks him: "John, please explain to our viewers at home what your happiest memory is, as a man who has lived in this remote village all his life...

"Well, th...

How much memory does it take to store a joke ?

One Gigglebyte.

What do you want for breakfast?

There were two elderly people who were trying to decide what to have for breakfast. Keep this in mind: because of their age, neither of them have the greatest memory anymore.

The husband asks the wife, "what do you want for breakfast?"

The wife responds, "Oh... just a bowl of oatmeal w...

So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand

Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"

Before I was born god gave me 2 options: A good memory or a big phallus.

I don't remember my choice

Good old Bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.Perfect timing,the cabby said. You're just like Bill. Who? Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right, the cabby said. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It woul...

My wife reminds me everything

My wife reminds me every day before I leave something I forgot and wanted to leave.

Sometimes the car keys, sometimes the watch, sometimes the house keys, sometimes important documents, sometimes my mobile, and it makes me feel old and my memory is weak. So I decided to put a limit on my forg...

I bought almonds some time back to make my memory sharp.

I never remembered to eat them.

My memory ain't what it used to be.

It bothers me sometimes, but the rest of the time I forget about it.

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

The earliest memory I have is going with my dad to get prescription glasses.

Life before that is a blur.

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

A man goes to the doctor to report a serious memory loss problem

Man: Doctor, I have a serious memory loss problem

Doctor: Hmm.. and since when did you have this problem?

Man: What problem?

My computer told me it needed to free up some memory.

So I told it to forget it said that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite nun joke

The nuns from the Convent of the Immaculate Conception were on a day trip when their bus went off the road, plunged over a cliff and they were all killed.

It had been a long day at the gates of heaven and Saint Peter had been counting down the minutes to knocking off time and some well-earned...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once got the opportunity to choose between a big dick and a better memory

Of course i chose better memory, why would I need another son?

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL Smoking cannabis and drinking codeine infused solutions causes temporary memory loss and identity confusion among young lyrical artists.

That's why new rappers are always asking "What's my motherfucking name, y'all!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you all know that cucumbers help with your memory?

The last jail I was at a guy got one shoved up his ass and i am never gonna forget that!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A genie once told me I could get an amazing memory and a small dick, or a huge dick and awful memory.

And I remember exactly what I chose.

Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?

I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.

Do you know what the hardest thing about having a 10 second memory is?

I don't know, but do you know what the hardest thing about having a 10 second memory is?

Fun fact: Having friends gives you memory loss.

I read this in a textbook on page 53 at 4:37 PM on Friday May 12, 2006

I was gonna make a joke about memory loss

I think

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college student returns to his dormitory after visiting a prostitute.

"Hey," the student's roommate says, "how was your... uh, session?"

"I don't know why you recommended her!" the student replies. "She's *literally* crazy!"

"What happened?!" asks the roommate.

"First," the student replies, "she told me to lie on the floor. I did, and then she sto...

Call a girl beautiful thousand times and she'll not even notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget.

Because elephants have very good memory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy with Phenomenal Memory

A host enters the circus and announces:

"Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will enter the arena."

A boy enters the stage, drinks a bucket of water and leaves.

The audience begins to scream and express their displeasure.

Then again the host comes out and says: "And no...

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.