Receives Jokes - 59 Hilarious Receives Jokes

A student receives a bad grade on his exam

And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.

He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"

The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".

The student...

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Joke #3481 A man receives the bad news that he's going to die in the morning

Through an unfortunate miracle of medical science, a man receives the worst news possible from his doctor.

"I'm sorry, but tomorrow morning at precisely 7:23, you're going to have a brain clot that will kill you."

The man is stunned. "But I don't even feel sick!"

The doctor exp...

A marine in Afghanistan receives a letter

In the letter his girlfriend explained that she had slept with his best friend while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any self respecting M...

A man receives a message from a neighbour.

"Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies." The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital

The next day ...

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.....

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad ...

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A young ranch hand receives his first paycheck

A whopping $1.50. He immediately runs to the nearest brothel and asks the head maiden what he can do with a buck fifty...
She dubiously eyes him.
“I don’t have anything that cheap.”
“Please!” He begs “it’s my first time!”
Taking pity she says
“Well, there’s a chicken out back...”...

The Pope receives a phone call...

...and on the other side is Jesus. Jesus says that now is the time, the Second Coming is upon humanity, and that he is letting all his followers know about this, and he thought he should give the Pope, a devout follower, a call. Jesus also tells the Pope He has good news and bad news.

"What's...

What’s something long and hard that every Polish woman receives on the night of her wedding?

A new last name!

A man receives a call

A man receives a call at work

His boss asks him, "Who was that?"

"Just some random guy"

"Call him back NOW!" The man calls...

The conscript receives a summons to the army

He is afraid, so he says to his friend:

\- Knock out all my teeth, then they won't take me into the army!

A friend knocks out his teeth, as he asks.

The next day they meet again.

A friend asks him:

\- How are you?

The conscript replies, lisping terribly:
...

Ben is serving term in prison for fraud. One day he receives a letter from his father, Maurice

Dear Ben,

It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release.

Love, Dad

Ben replies:

Dear Dad,

Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid ...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

What does a Greek say when he receives his salary?

Danke schön.

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3 soldiers receive their payment

The war is over. It all depended on one mission.

After the 3 remaining survivors received their medals the president says: "I can not thank you enough. For your payment, you will choose any length from one body part to another and I will give you one thousand Dollars for every inches I measu...

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A Nazi goes to a bar...

A Nazi goes to a bar, looks around, and sees an Orthodox Jew sitting at a nearby table.

"Barkeep!", he says, "A round on me for everyone but that gentleman right there."

Everyone in the bar receives a cocktail, he looks over at the Jew and notices him smiling back. The Nazi is not amu...

A man is walking with his child on the street when a tourist approaches him asking

- "Parlez vous francais?"
Our man looks surprised and says nothing. The tourist changes the language:
- "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"
Again, no response. The tourist tries his luck once more:
- "Habla español?"
Seeing that he receives no answer, the tourist moves on.

The child,...

A man receives a call from a hospital...

"Come quickly, you're now a dad of a boy who can fly!"
The man rushes to the hospital and is greeted by a doctor holding a baby...
"I received a call about a flying boy, where can I see him?"

The doctor smiles and says: "This is the boy, check it yourself!"
Within seconds, the do...

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An anti-semite goes to a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.
"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"
Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.
The [anti-semite!](http://www.afterfeed.co...

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A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

A man asks his buddy to check up on his cat

A man asks his buddy to check up on his cat and his mother as he is going on vacation for a month. The trip is goin well when one day he receives an e-mail from his friend that reads: "Your cat was hit by a truck and died".

He immediately calls his friend to ask what exactly had happened and ...

After elections president Putin receives a call

- Mr. President I have two news, a good one and a bad one.
- Start from the good one.
- You got elected president again.
- And the bad one?
- No one voted for you.

A dentist receives an award.

It’s the only plaque allowed in his house.

A man receives a phone call late in the evening...

He picks up the phone and there is a strange voice at the other end. The voice says “I am the Vinder Viper, and I am coming in one year” he writes the call off as a prank.

But in six months, he gets another call. It says the same thing, “I am the Vinder Viper, and I am coming in six months”. ...

Max receives a text from his neighbor.

Hi Max, its Richard from next door, I've been riddled with guilt for months and have been trying to build up the courage to tell you face to face but i couldn't. When your not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently....

Little Johnny's mother receives a note from his teacher

"johhny is a very clever boy, but he spends too much time thinking about girls and it distracts him from matters that are really important"

The mother replies: "please inform me right away if you ever find a solution. His dad is having the same problem"

If Trump succumbs, the first phone call President Pence receives...

...should be from the Mexican government offering to pay for his gravestone.

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Captain in Afghanistan receives a letter from his wife.

The letter contains a photo.

A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open. Captioned - honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this.
The captain immediately becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him. He sleeps satisfied that ni...

A guy returns to his house and receives a phone call

“We have your wife kidnapped! She is worth 100K$!”

The guy then responds:
“So when I’m getting the money?”

Joe……….

Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman.

He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route.

When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts.

After lunch, the woman invites hi...

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A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and chips, and receives an apple

"What is this?!" He says

"Take a bite" the bartender replies

He begrudgingly obliges and bites the apple

"Wow!" He exclaims "This takes just like a cold beer!"

The bartender nods and says "Turn it around"

The man does, and when he takes a bite he exclaims "This tas...

A mother receives a call from her son's school

She picks up the phone and it's her son's music teacher Ron the other end.

"Hello is this Billy's mam?"

"Yes it is, why?"

"Well this is Ms Smith, his music teacher, and I'd like to tell you your son is like Elvis."

"Really?"

"Yep, we just found him dead on the toi...

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After sexy time, the man receives a text message. The woman asks "Who's texting?"

He replies "My wife. She says she's at the movies with you."

What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two Test-tickles

An Army captain receives a message

The message says, that the father of one Private Miller just died. So after morning drill he yells: "Private Miller step forward!"

The private does as ordered and the captain yells: "Miller, your father died. Now get back in line so I can continue the drill!"

A general overhears this a...

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An Irishman goes to the doctor, and receives bad news.

During his routine medical check, Paddy asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

Paddy said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

"Neither do I", replied the doctor, "But m...

A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.

"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...

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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head an...

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A kid receives an assignment from his teacher..

.. To write down 3 commonly used phrases, from around his house.

So the kid goes home and tries to ask his dad, who replies 'fuck off, i'm busy working!'.

So the kid writes that down.

Next, he goes to his younger brother, who is watching batman for the 20th time that day and sin...

Indian Hell

### An Indian man dies and goes to hell ...

An Indian man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that each country has a separate hell and one may opt to sign up for any of them.

He goes first to the German hell and asks, 'What do they do here?' He is told, 'First, they put you in...

Woman receives a phone call from local hospital...

"Hello Mrs Smith, this is Dr Trimble calling - I have some good news and bad news for you - which would you like first"? "Well the bad news I guess replies Mrs Smith". "Very well", replies Dr Trimble, "your husband has been in a horrible car accident, he has broken both his legs and arms, his pelvis...

Caitlyn Jenner receives ESPY Arthur Ashe Award for Courage

Courage? More like a lack of balls

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A client receives his bill from his lawyer in the mail.

He’s livid at the amount and calls the lawyer to berate him for charging such ridiculous fees. The lawyer listens for a moment before stopping the client midsentence.

“You know,” the lawyer says, “you’re being a real jerk about this and I’m beginning to regret naming my first boat aft...

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A teenage monk joins a monastery and is told the rules.

Which basically consist of this: silence at all times except, every 20 years, you are allowed to appear before the head monk and speak two words. In his enthusiasm, he agrees.

Twenty years pass. A little disillusioned, he appears before the head monk, the same one who hired him. "Speak your t...

The President of the U.S. receives a call from the Treasury Department.

-Madam President, we are upgrading the vaults where we keep the gold reserve. Three designs are finalists, but you need to select the one we will use.

-What are the options?

-The first one is a made of reinforced concrete surrounding a steel cage with a nickel content of 8%. The second...

Carl and his friends are at the Nile River in Africa when his friend receives a call

“Carl, your wife’s car flipped on the road while she was driving, she didn’t make it.” His friend said as he put his hand on Carl’s shoulder.

“No, it’s not true, oh God!” Carl said as he jumped in the Nile River, attempting to drown himself.

“What the hell is going on?!” Carl’s other f...

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

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What receives a man's first blowjob?

An NES cartridge.

A man receives a text from his neighbour:

“I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apol...

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A man receives an invitation to the execution of a cannibalistic serial killer

Because of the nature of his crime, the judge had decided that his punishment was to be cooked and eaten by randomly selected members of the public. Not willing to pass up such a unique opportunity, the man decided to go and enjoy himself.

Upon his arrival, he was led to one of many comfy lea...

A Russian military unit receives sad news

One day, a Russian military unit receives news that Pvt. Pavlov's parents had died. The unit decides to break the news to Pavlov as delicately as possible.

The next day, the officer of the unit rounds up the men and then says: "All who have parents, step forward! ...Pvt. Pavlov, where are you...

18th Century Arms Dealer Receives Concussion on First Day at Work

A burgeoning blunderbuss broker braved and bore the brunt of a bludgeoning to the brain.

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Antman receives a call from a Marine Biologist at Seaworld...

A marine biologist working with Seaworld calls Antman to help him with one of his juvenile Orcas. He tells him that due to the orca's sexual maturity fast approaching, he needs to perform a vasectomy to prevent him from getting to aggressive with the females.

Antman agrees, shrinks down, and...

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

"enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes"

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Mr. Richard Messina, an elementary-school principal, receives a phone call one morning.

The caller says, "Mr. Messina, my son Johnny will not come to school today, because he's sick."

Mr. Messina asks, "Who am I speaking to, please?"

The caller responds, "I am my father."

A man goes to the doctor's office and receives a bill of $15,000.

Man: C'mon doc. You could've gave me a discount since were colleagues.

Doctor: Wait, you're a doctor too?

Man: No. I'm a thief just like you.

[old joke] A navy officer sent a letter to his wife that he would be arriving a week earlier..

When he arrives,he finds his wife in bed with another man.

Disgusted, he goes to the navy base and stays in the lodge contemplating what to do next.

The next day, he receives a call from his mother-in-law who is also a wife of a naval officer.

" Rose told me everything" she sai...

So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch

So, the wife receives her lover at home and her son arrives early from school and go to the bedroom's wardrobe to watch.

When they were already both naked, the husband arrives early too and the wife puts the lover in the wardrobe too without noticing her son was already in there.

<...

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A man receives a call from the hospital letting him know his wife was in an accident.

Upon arriving at the hospital the doctor informs him that his wife is in a coma and they cannot be sure when she will wake up.

Distraught, the husband asks, "Is there nothing we can do?"

The doctor replies, "Well, we have had some success with oral sex bringing people out of comas in t...

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