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Cardboard is a lot like 1-ply toilet paper. It's not really good at absorbing,

But it's really good at moving shit around.

If you lose your license take all the shock absorbers off your car.

Then you won't be driving on a suspension.

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Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it...

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I've developed a device that absorbs nutrients and water from biomass.

It'll be on the market soon, but for now it's still in testin'.

Why was spongebob fired from his job as a chemist?

His Absorbance Had No Correlation To His Concentration.

My body has absorbed so much soap and water, hand sanitizer & disinfectant....

... that when I pee I clean the toilet.

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said,

"Papa, I had a great time in Israel! ...by the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," thought the father. "What have I done?"

He took his problem to his best friend. "Aron," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. W...

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A very flashy, uber-materialistic, and self-absorbed braggart buys a Ferrari...

He’s driving around town showing off his new expensive ride. He waves at the pretty women with his right hand to show off his big flashy diamond rings.

He pulls over to park and is just relishing every glance he gets. He even calls out to a few people and says, “It’s a Ferrari! You like it?...

This young generation with their computers and internet are so self absorbed.

It's all meme, meme, meme..

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I don’t need to poop because my body absorbs all the energy from food.

But some people tell me I’m full of shit.

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If SpongeBob is absorbent and lives in bikini bottom

then I'm pretty sure that makes him a tampon

A self-absorbed man wants to get his bust sculpted.

He believes that one day he'll be very important, so he asks a sculptor to carve his bust out of marble to put into a museum in the future.

The sculptor says, "Sir, I think you're getting a head of yourself."

Scientists in Germany Have Discovered a New Particle That Can Only Exist By Absorbing Joy

It's no laughing matter

How does the medicine in a suppository get absorbed into the body?

Assmosis.

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What do you call a self-absorbed trumpet player?

Brasshole

There was once a brilliant gastroenterologist.

There was once a brilliant **gastroenterologist** whose fame spread far and wide. He had the reputation of treating the worst of cases with best results. If nothing worked, his magical hand would.

But, this brilliant guy had a deep burning passion of his own. He had always wanted to be an aut...

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

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Some Gorillas are getting drunk in the Belgian Congo... (NSFW)

So some gorillas are having some beers and goofing off at the edge of the forest in the Belgian Congo, clowning on each other, doing impressions, etc. one of them looks toward the bordering savanna and notices a lion intently stalking a distant antelope.

“Check out Mr. King of the Jungle ove...

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

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Bob, an accountant





was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.


His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.


He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

I once knew an arrogant sponge.

he was very self absorbed.

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Lets go for a walk!

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor taught the women how to breathe and explained to the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exer...

COVID Humor

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerato...

I was out on a date with a girl.

At one point during the evening she brought up that she had absorbed her twin in the womb.

I thought the date was lovely, but she didn’t want to see me again. I guess it was rude to ask if she was a Gemini.

A monk dies and arrives at the pearly gates...

Allowed to enter, he notices a book prominently displayed behind Saint Peter. The monk asked what the book was. Saint Peter replied, "That's the bible as it was *supposed* to be written. The bible on Earth is close, but there are a few minor differences between the two."

"I was a biblical scr...

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Lizzard

So, not mine, but my favourite. Worth a read, I promise.




Lizard Birth

If you' ve raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish,
the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

I had to take my son's...

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The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet...

The black objects absorb more.

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

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How are Trump and a diaper the same?

Both are self absorbed and full of shit.

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

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Slapping Old People

An old man and old woman are sitting on their front porch on a bench one day just enjoying the scenery. All of a sudden the old woman looks at her husband and slaps him across his face. He looks and her and says "What was that for?" She said "That is for 40 years of horrible sex!" He is quiet as he ...

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A woman goes to a pet shop.

She's looking for a present for her husband. Unfortunately, she's on a budget, but the clerk has an idea:
"For $ 20, I can give you something very special" and presents here a frog.

"What's so special about it?" the woman asks.

The clerk says: "Well, this frog is very special, becau...

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Is There a Santa Claus? An Engineer's Perspective

Author’s note: All numerical values, calculations and estimates are, of course, indubitably accurate.


The first and foremost thing to take into account to properly begin the proof is the number of children Santa Claus must visit each Christmas. There are approximately two billion children...

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Proof that Santa doesn’t exists

There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at le...

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Apache indian child

One day a tiny Apache indian child walked into Big Chief Sitting Bull's Teepee.

"Sitting Bull," He asked, "Why does every man in our tribe have such long, complicated names?"

"Well," says Sitting Bull, "Its simple.Whenever a baby in this tribe is born, His Father wanders outside, abs...

In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room...

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at t...

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A man walks into a bar.

He sits down and says, "three fingers of scotch, please." So the bartender pours him his drink and sets it down in front of him.

Just as the guy reaches for it, though, a monkey leaps out of the shadows, dips its balls in the drink, and disappears just as quickly as it came.

"Wha...

Ghoul in the Pub (Credit to Paul Sloane & Des MacHale)

Bill, a tourist in Devon, spends the day sightseeing, then decides to finish the day at a pub in a nearby village. He gets absorbed in the rustic atmosphere, but in the midst of drinking a Guinness, he notices what appears to be a ghoul drinking from a small green bottle, across the room. This perso...

1008 AD - A tall knight is summoned by his lord...

On the way to the lord's castle, the knight, one Sir Richard of River's Bank is surprised to see that the fields are empty, and the serfs are nowhere in sight. When he arrives, he asks his lord if the summons has anything to do with the absence of the workers in the field, and his lord replies that...

Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel

The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.

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An old couple decide to take a second honeymoon...

An old couple decide to take a second honeymoon at the same place as their original honeymoon to celebrate their 50th year together. The couple lay in bed when the wife turns to the husband and asks: "When you first saw me naked, what did you think?" The husband thinks for a moment and then says: "I...

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Adult store

Bob started his first day at the adult store. Half way thru the day he felt comfortable and was absorbing everything the store owner is teaching him.

Then the store owner gets an emergency store and has to leave. He tells Bob "I have to leave do you want me to close the store or can you ha...

My costume is a bunch of sponges pinned to my shirt

I’m self absorbed

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Just finished reading a book on the history of tampons.

Very absorbing

A collection of puns in one text.

[Context: Friend borrowed a great book by Yahtzee Croshaw, "Jam"]

Friend: I'm liking Jam a lot.

Me: Sweet. Glad you got absorbed in it. It's a berry good book. So many sticky situations for the seed of character development.

Friend: *turns off phone*

Obama was scheduled to visit a Catholic church...

An aide to President Barack Obama visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington. He told the Cardinal that President Barack Obama would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Obama to the congregation and say a few words that would include cal...

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A lady pregnant with triplets is cooking stew for dinner one night...

A lady pregnant with triplets is cooking stew for dinner one night when her husband, who has been out hunting all day comes home empty handed. As he leans over to kiss her, three bullets fall out of his pocket and into the stew. The husband and wife are unaware and dinner is served. With the first s...

What's SpongeBob's worst personality trait?

He's way too self-absorbent

Have you watched the documentary about sponges?

It's absorbing.

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The 32nd floor window

A young women just steps out of the shower and enters into her bedroom still naked, as it was the 32nd floor of a very tall building. But to her astonishment, she found a man in uniform, suspended in a steel rope and standing on a metal platform, wiping the window of her bedroom from the other side....

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Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the ...

House Hunting (1950's era, found in late grandmother's things; typewritten)

A young couple about to be married were looking over a house in the country. After satisfying themselves that it was suitable they started for home. During the return journey the young lady was seemingly absorbed in deep thought, and being asked the reason of her silence, she asked the question: ...

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