Welcome to Australia!

A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"

"Pleasure," he replies.

"Anything to declare?"

"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie ...

Welcome to Lannister family mattress store!

Where we push two twins together to make a king.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

Pretty sure it's original, very rough edges type joke. Input welcome.

A man decides to open his own Plant Nursery. After a few months his business starts going under so he goes to apply for a loan
The loan officer goes to the place of business and asks a couple questions
"sir do you have a background in the study of plants?"
"No, I just got this company on a ...

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I see some new faces today and I must say I'm pretty disappointed.

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

Customs agent: Welcome to Belarus!

Customs agent: Are you here for business or tourism?

Russian: Business

Customs agent: Occupation?

Russian: Yes

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?

'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'

The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'

The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

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For a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis.

When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy". While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a "Wy" on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy re...

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Welcome to the sexual innuendo club.

Thanks for coming!

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A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check wi...

An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

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At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend et...

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A college professor started to notice that one of his students, John, started gaining lots of female attention.

So, one day he asks John about his secret. John replies, "Well, before sex I whip out my willy and smack it against the bedside table, like a hammer. It numbs it up and makes me last longer."

Later that day, the professor gets home to his wife and finds her in the shower - a welcome opportuni...

A pastor asked his congregation for a raise...

A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased...

...after the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met...

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What's 5Q + 5Q?

10Q

You're welcome.


Just a corny ass joke from my childhood. It gets a laugh 60% of the time, every time

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Nuns at the pearly gates

A group of nuns were in a coach, driving high up on a mountain, when all of a sudden the coach swerved off the road and went over the side of the mountain, crashing below and sadly killing everybody inside.

The nuns now found themselves waiting outside the pearly gates, which opened and showe...

Welcome to r/confusingtimes

Where the jokes are window burger

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band pla...

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...

There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.

"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy wa...

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Love muscle

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. O...

From the year that brought you 8 months of March

Welcome to Tuesday Part 4.

Old man goes to church

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In
his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible....

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A white man was on holiday in Jamaica

The man had recently gotten a tattoo on his penis. When it stretched out, it would spell «Anne», but it only said «Ae» when flaccid.

One day after he and his wife were done at the beach, he went to the public showers and saw a Jamaican with the letters «Wy» on his schlong.

«Does it sp...

A small time musician dies and goes to Heaven

He is met at the Gates of Heaven by St Peter.

"Welcome, my son. Let me show you around."

St Peter arrives at a door, and opens it.
Inside is Eddy Van Halen, playing the guitar.

"Wow!!" Says the man. "I'm a huge fan!"

St Peter continues on, and stops at the next door....

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport....

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful fligh...

Boss: Why do you-

Me: *sshhh*

Boss: What is your biggest wea-

Me: *sshhh*

Boss: (whispering) you're hired. Welcome to the library.

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Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

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Jersey Girl

A girl says to her date, "You're in for a real treat. I've been told that I have a body like New Jersey."

So, her date grabs her waist and asks, "What's this?"

She replies "Middlesex."

He grabs her butt and asks "what's this?"

She replies “Freehold.”

Then he g...

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I want to thank my dog for taking a shit on the floor in the dark, causing me to slip in it this morning

Anything that distracts me from the elections is a welcome change of pace.


Side note:this is also a true story. How long are you legally allowed to shower?

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Three couples are trying to get married.

There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.


"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.


One month later th...

Hello welcome to today’s Communist marathon...

On your Marx....

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

A different game of thrones

Long ago a then famous reporter of the times traveled to a little known kingdom deep in the heart of Africa, accompanied by translators and bearers of course. It was not very technologically advanced, with no plumbing and clay and stray being the primary building materials.

Upon arrival he w...

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An American anthropologist is studying cultures throughout Western Africa.

He discovers an isolated civilization in the West African Jungle. It’s a small village with wooden houses and plenty of domesticated animals. The anthropologist is impressed by the organization of the village and becomes eager to learn more about the culture of it’s inhabitants.

He approa...

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

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I'm trying to create a good ol fashion porn shop for us necrophiliacs. I know just what to call it

Welcome to the Creamatorium

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Man gets a tattoo of his girls name on his dick...

Her name is Wendy. He had to get hard for the artist to tattoo, so once it shriveled up, you can only see the letters W and Y.

He went to the bathroom one day and stood at a stall next to another gentleman. He decides to have a peek and notices the letters W and Y.

He asks “Hey! You ha...

Guy gets deployed to Afghanistan. Three years later, he returns to his hometown for a welcome-home parade.

The morning of the parade he's looking for his good shoes and remembers he took them to the shoe repair store just before he left for his deployment. He finds the receipt and hurries off to the store.

"I'm here to pick up my shoes," he says and hands the clerk his receipt. The clerk studies i...

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2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

One day St. Peter had the day off and St. Patrick was left in charge of the pearly gates of Heaven.

After a short while an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are stopped at the gates by St. Patrick, who says, “Sorry, it’s crowded up here, you each need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t enter Heaven. St. Patrick looks at the Irishman and asks "What was the name of the famous oce...

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An extremely wealthy man invited his high school friends to his big estate for a reunion.

Aside from being extremely wealthy, he is also extremely arrogant and prideful. As he welcomed his friends to his house, he gave them a tour of his estate, showing his cars, helicopters, private jets, and even his own yacht, all the while bragging about all his assets and wealth. Finally, at the end...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

It doesn’t matter how ugly you are

An Emo always welcomes you with open arms

'Welcome to the turbocharger club'

'But I don't want to join the turbocharger club!'


'We're going to MAKE you a member, whether you like it or not'


'How?'


'Forced induction'

Motel Coronavirus

Motel Coronavirus



On a dim dreary morning

Ceiling fan stirs the air

Stale beer and Doritos

Littered next to my chair

Just outside of my window

Saw a glimmer of light

My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding

I hadn't slept all last ni...

Welcome to Wuhan!

The city of masked heroes.

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People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.

Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.

Karen: Thanks....

Me: You're welcome, Bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Bach’s mother say when he came home from school?

I don’t know, some bullshit in German, but probably translates to Welcome Bach.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

anti crocodile substances

a man was pouring colored water every day on the streets of his town

one day his neigbhour called the police because he was pouring suspicious liquids on the streets

when the police came they asked the man:" what are you pouring on the streets? "

the guy said: "i was pouring ant...

A woman arrives to the gates of heaven

While she was waiting for God to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been wai...

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A white guy and a black guy are taking a shower.

The black guy sees the white guy’s willy has the letters “Wy” on the side.

“Can I just ask you,” the black guy says, “why do you have “Wy” on the side of your willy?”

“Well,” says the white guy, “when it’s erect, it spells “Wendy”, my girlfriend’s name. Your willy also has “Wy” on it. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before."

Original joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.

Welcome back President Obama we missed you.

God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome

God: *creates birds*

Two men are hiking when suddenly their tent breaks

Two men, Paul and John, are hiking when suddenly their tent breaks. Unable to set it up for the incoming night until they can find a replacement, they decide they'll need to stay round someone's house who's willing to let the men in.

Paul and John go around knocking at houses and getting reje...

Student: What is sin(q) / cos(q)?

Teacher: tan(q)
Student: You're Welcome

One morning when Dorothy woke up, she walked outside and realized she wasn't in Kansas anymore.

Just then, a good witch appeared. "Welcome to the land of Oz," she said. "If you want to return home, you must follow the yellow-brick road to the Emerald City and speak directly to the Wizard of Oz himself." And so, Dorothy set off down the yellow-brick road.

Dorothy walked through a farm an...

Maybe a repost I'm sorry but couldn't control

Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?”

“Well son, your mum really really loves Easter, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter”

“Thanks Dad”

“You're welcome Alan”

HR

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR director was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven", said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a prob...

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

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A man wants to show his devotion to his wife for their 1 year anniversary...

A man wants to show his devotion to his wife for their 1 year anniversary the next day, and gets her name "Wendy", tatooed on his penis. When he comes home that night, he tells Wendy he has a surprise for her. He undresses and shows off his dong to her, but she is confused.

"Why did you get "...

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A boy goes to his prom dates house to pick up his date.

He knocks on the door and it is answered by his dates father. He welcomes him in, "Jessica is upstairs finishing up getting ready. We can hang out in the living room."

The boy nervously follows her father into the living room and sits down. Her father picks up his book and goes back to rea...

Welcome to the Reddit stand-up comedy show

\*I enter the stage, applause erupts\*

Alright alright reddit! How you feelin' today?

\*applause\*

Alright! So, show of hands, how many of you are redditors?

\*everyone raises their hands\*

Haha, maybe not too surprising. Because you all look depressed and out of s...

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.

He suffers a massive heart attack in his office and dies on the spot. He arrives (to his great surprise) at the gates of heaven.

A huge welcoming party is there waiting for him. Large welcome home banners are displayed and it looks like a proper affair indeed. Some of heaven’s most famous in...

A man gets shipwrecked at sea

After what felt like days floating on wreckage he washes up on an unknown shore.

He starts to wander around the beautiful land, the air smelled sweeter than any air he’d ever breathed, everything looked clearer than real life. His hunger suddenly hits him and he wished for a big sandwich and...

My friend was mad at me because I ate all the chips at her party

I'm no longer welcome to play poker with them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young mailman gets gets farewell...

A young mailman is transferred to another town and as he did a very good job at his work, the people of the town decided to greet him with something on the last day.

The mailman goes from one house to other collecting gifts and treats.

One lady gives him some cash to show her gratitude...

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

**McDonalds Boss:** Again *(rubs temples)* you don't need to put Mc in front of words.

**Me:** Oh ok *(...to customer)* welcome to Donalds.

Orse?

"Dad, I've always found my brother's name a bit odd. How did you come up with the name 'Orse'?"

"Well, you see, your Mom really loves roses, but we wanted to find a more original name, so we picked an anagram instead: Orse"

"Oh, that's very cool! Thanks, Dad!"

"You're welcome, L...

Newly wed girl

A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner.

She was asked to give a little speech she spoke as follows:

"my dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said.

"firstly with my presence I would not want t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Gary went into the local tattoo parlor with a somewhat odd request.

He had this great new girlfriend named Wendy , he explained , and while their sex life was dynamite , he was sure it would be even better if he had her name tattooed on his prick . The tattoo artist did her best to dissuade him , pointing out that it would be very painful and that most of the time t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to reddit...

Where even virgins can give you sex advice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets diarrhea and decides to ask for help to his neighbor who happens to be a doctor.

He crosses the road and rings to the door.
The neighbor welcomes him in:

“Hey, how are you? Sorry if I’m in a hurry but I need to leave in half an hour and I’m still packing. Do you need anything?”

“Oh, I didn’t know, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to ask for advice really quick...

Three women die and go to heaven

When they get to the pearly gates, St Peter greets them, saying "Welcome to Heaven, we hope you enjoy it here, and please don't tread on the ducks"

The women think this kind of odd but decide not to ask too many questions, and they go and start to settle in.

A couple of days pass and t...

Welcome aboard Singapore Airlines flight SQ 635, this is your captain speaking

#**AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING!!**

KNOCK KNOCK

Who's there?

**Tank**

Tank who?

**You're welcome**

Bill Gates dies and reaches the Pearly Gates....[Long]

Meets Saint Peter at the gates and he tells Bill, “because you brought computers, technology and helped humanity, we have decided to let you tour hell and after the tour, you get to decide if you want to stay there, or come into heaven”

“I get to choose?” Asked Bill

“Yes... But just re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joffrey was a huge dick in life, so when he died he went to hell.

When he got there he was greeted by Satan himself.

"Welcome to hell." said the Devil. "You were a pretty big dick up there, so you will be spending eternity down here. I will, however, let you choose how you spend that eternity. Follow me."

He led Joffrey to a long corridor with window...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are your kids twins?

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Professor welcomes the class in Anatomy lab on the first day of medical school.

He begins by saying - You need 2 rules to become a successful doctor.

No 1 - you cannot feel disgusted by anything.

After saying that, he stuck his finger into the cadaver's butt hole.

Students look at him in a shocked manner, but eventually they give in and remembering his r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys die and go to hell. The devil meets them at the gate and explains,

“Welcome to Hell. Here, I will subject you to ironic punishment.”

He turns to the first guy and asks, “What was your major vice in life?”

“Women,” The guy said, “I loved the company of women.”

“Very well,” the devil replied before opening the door to a room full of beautiful wom...

What did I say to my stepladder?

You’re not my real ladder.

(You’re welcome.)

Welcome to Italy

Where men grow moustaches so they can look like their mothers.

After 25 years away, a man comes back to his home country for the holidays.

He decides to explore his old neighborhood, and when he reaches the building where he used to live, he notices that the shoemaker's shop across the street has not changed a bit.

All sorts of memories arise to the surface of his mind as he used to pass this shop everyday. And then he remembers...

Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon his arrival, the Devil greets him warmly and with an especially big smile on his face.

Devil:”Donald Trump, welcome to hell! I had an especially difficult time selecting your eternal punishment, and so for a treat I’m going to allow you to choose one one three doors and take the place o...

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tyler Durden: Welcome to Fight Club! Thanks for coming!

**Me:** Don’t mention it.

**Tyler Durden:** *[under breath]* Fuck he’s good.

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to hell!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.


Devil: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.


Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' ma...

"And for our next performance, please welcome, The Bailiffs"

"Take it away boys"

[Since we are telling old golf jokes] A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and he has to go to a nearby farm ...

The farmer says he'd be happy to fix the car, but it will take three days. The man is welcome to stay with the farmer and his nine beautiful daughters, but since he doesn't trust the man, he has to sleep with the chickens.

The next day, the farmer asks how the man slept and the man says, "we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets his wife's name tattooed...

...on his penis. So when he his erect it spells her name Wendy. When flaccid it says Wy. One day hes taking a piss and a black guy walks in. He dosent mean to but notices the black guys dick also has a wy. So he asks the man hey is your girl named wendy? Guy looks at him and is like what? The guy ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

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Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.

While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearing...

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.

Welcome to the world of high fiance.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

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An angel is making his rounds on earth, when he comes across a pair of statues in a park, beautiful nude sculptures of a man and woman facing eachother..

They are placed at the entrance to the park, and the angel is stuck by how beautiful they are, and how tragic it is for then to be eternally so close, yet unable to touch. He decides he will use some of his power to animate them, and in an instant they stand before him.

"I have seen how dilig...

Son: If you could save any famous person who would it be?

Daughter: Martin Luther King Jr.

Son: I would save the Rock.

Daughter: He’s not dead.

Son: You’re welcome.

So an electrical engineer built a house entirely out of resistors.

The welcome mat said Ohm Sweet Ohm.

I was wakened at 3am by a crashing noise...

I went down the stairs, cricket bat in hand, only to come face to face with an intruder stepping through my front door. He was armed with a crowbar but a swift crack of the willow round his head dropped him and he was spark out for enough time for me to grab a short length of rope. After hog-tying h...

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What do you call...

What do you call 10 naked guys standing on eachothers shoulders?? A scrotum pole!

What do you call a school bus full of a bunch of naked white guys?? A twinkie!

Your welcome. Lolol

A world renowned doctor is asked to visit a local mental institute to ensure all the patients truly belonged there...

He is told he will visit three patients and will be supervised by the institutes owner. When he arrives he visits the first patient in his room and sees the patient defecating into his own hands and smearing it on the wall. He quickly turns towards the supervisor  and says “this man truly belongs he...

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