This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was wearing a t-shirt printed with railway tracks...

A man was looking at her boobs for a long time. The woman noticed this, went straight to the man, and asked him, "have you never seen boobs before?"

To which the man replied, "I've seen boobs, but I've never seen railway tracks with speed brakers"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.

​

"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."

​

"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"

&...

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

It took me 2 weeks to realize my calendar was printed upside-down.

What followed was an interesting turn of events.

A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans

He really is the king of pop

I want to write a show called "Pun". I'll have the script printed out and taped to the floor of the set.

It'll be a play on words.

"The other day I came across an old worn out Bible, printed by Guten-something"

"Not Gutenberg?!"

"Yeah, that was it"

"You idiot, one of those sold at auction recently for over a Million dollars!!"

"Oh, I don't think it would be worth anything that much. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it"

The euro is being re-printed

on greece proof paper

Have you ever seen the serial number that is printed on every condom?

No? Oh, you must not have needed to unroll it that far...

Full disclosure: I searched and although this joke is definitely a repost, it's been about a year since the last time so I took an executive decision to post it again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was lucky enough to win a couple of coupons for some cool bowling balls with number jokes printed on them.

I won two, three for five, sick "seven ate nine" ten pin bowling balls.

Or in other words I... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ...pin bowling balls.

Why did the man get the windows logo printed onto all his underwear

Because he thought it would make them software

I printed out this website's logo and then I realised I didn't need it. Should I throw out the piece of paper or should I...

Shreddit

I robbed a lamppost with words printed on it.

It's ok, I didn't get in trouble though.

You don't get karma from text posts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Guys Are Playing Tennis, One Said To The Other...

Maan! My elbow hurts like hell, what should I do about it?? His friend quickly replied, well you could just go down to that new drug store they just built not far from here. They’ve got this, NEW technology, and boy is it amazing— there’s a machine in there that you just put a sample of pee in a tub...

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

Did you know that each condom has a serial number printed on it?

I guess you have never had to roll it back that far.

This week President Obama became the first president to get a life-size 3D-printed portrait done.

It looked so real that Joe Biden argued with it for 20 minutes that Peeta is better than Gale.

Biden then realized his mistake, . . . and admitted Gale is the clear choice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One dayBill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothi...

Q: What is printed on the bottom of a bottle in Michigan? (Found on /r/linux)

A: Open the other end

A Cherokee chief and a corporate director

A Cherokee chief, poorly dressed, and a corporate director in a fancy suit share a bench in Central Park.

The corporate guy notices that from time to time the chief is peeking at his paper bag, printed with a clever design, that rests at his feet.

“You like the bag?”

“Yes, fancy...

Newton [Long]

A man called Newton goes to a Chinese restaurant. He orders some fortune cookies. When they arrive, he opens one and sees what's in it. Only one word is written:

*Newton*

Newton raises his eyes in a mixture of confusion and surprise. How the hell did that coincidence happen? Why was hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A son comes out as bisexual to his father.

A son comes out as bisexual to his father and asks if his father will still accept him. The father says yes of course he will.

A few months later the son fails his driving test and asks if his father will accept him. At that age the father used to cycle to school because he had failed it many...

A man walked into a bar. The bartender asked him "so, why the long face?"

The man said, "Well, my grandpa died. We had the funeral yesterday".

"Oh, I'm so sorry", said the bartender. "Here, have this one on the house".

​

"Well thanks, but that's not all," said the man. "You see, today morning, his will was read. I used to think that I was h...

Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:

"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

My kindergarten-aged daughter

Suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean t-shirt to class. She told us that the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife practically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one t-shirt that already had something printed on the si...

Yesterday, I went to a Louis Vuitton showroom with my wife

I was shocked to find that my salary was printed on a shoe

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I took my kids grocery shopping with me.

I don’t always buy them something, but if they are well behaved, they are allowed to pick out a toy or treat under $3. On this occasion my daughter found one of those pre-inflated balls with Disney characters printed on them. We make it to the checkout line and the cashier strikes up a conversatio...

I saw Batman's son at a baseball game today.

His name was printed on the back of his shirt: "Bat Boy."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

City Hall

The city counselors were discussing how to increase public attendance and participation at City Hall meetings. One counselor suggested bringing in a famous hypnotist-entertainer. The officials agreed, the hypnotist was engaged, and leaflets were printed and distributed.

A month later, City H...

I’m so broke, I went to check my account balance at the ATM...

And it printed me out a coupon for Ramen Noodles

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*

"Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers"
"I have printed out all of your Internet histories"
"This meeting is over...”

Trump and Obama - oldie but goldie

It's time for Obama to step down. As a final duty Obama gives Trump the combination to the office safe and tells him, "There are three envelopes in there labelled "1", "2", and "3". If you end up in trouble, open envelope "1". He says his goodbyes and rides off into the sunset.

A couple of we...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once stole a pornographic book

that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

The most well known person in the world

Some Spanish guy named "Manual"... A copy of his autobiography, printed in multiple languages, comes free with every electronic device or machinery... although much of his life story is lost in translation.

An inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about this for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter t...

It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:


"Ames"


"Here!"


"Jenson"


"Here!"


"Jones"


"Here!"


"Magersky"


"Here!"


"Seeback"

No answer....

Road Rage

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailga...

A kid named Arthur is hired...

at a supermarket. He preferred Artie, so that was put on his name tag. He was a pretty good worker, but he had a short temper.


Artie is bagging an order for a rich older couple and offers to take it to their car. They accept, and he pushes the cart out. He loads the bags into their trunk...

I went to a job interview at EA

The interviewer, after reading my CV, said:

"I see that this CV was clearly printed on two pages, but I only have one. Where's the other one?"

"Page two is 19.99$"

A man is pulled over by a cop...

The cop approaches the car and says, "Sir, step out of the vehicle. You are under arrest. Not only were you speeding well above the limit, but you were driving straight down the middle of the road!"

The man protests, "But officer, I'm allowed to do that! It says so on my driver's license!"...

The Reporter in the Appalachian Mountains

Life magazine sends one if its reporters to the Appalachian Mountains to gather life stories of the locals. On the first day, the reporter climbs up a mountain and there he encounters an old man sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of his log cabin.

"Good morning, sir. I'm a reporte...

I showed my 12 year old son an old floppy disk..

He said "Wow.. Cool! You 3D printed the save icon!"

A girl walks into a shop...

A girl walks into a shop and goes up to the counter.

"Excuse me, do you have custom printed underwear?"

"Yes, we do, what would like to have printed on it?"

"I want it to say: If you can read this, you're too close."

"Very well, what sort of typography do you want?"
<...

A divorced man is walking to town...

And discovers an old lamp in oddly impeccable shape glistening through the bushes. He decides it's worth a closer look, walks over and picks it up.

All of a sudden a genie pops out and tells the man in his booming voice "You have three wishes, but be careful; for whatever you wish, your ex ge...

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line.

At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it."

A smart-alec who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and ask...

I have at last fulfilled my dream of becoming arms dealer...

... by selling 3D printed prosthetic limbs for the needy.

A $20 bill and a $1 bill meet in a bank.

The $1 bill asks, "You look well traveled, where have you been since you were printed?"


"Oh, I've been all over the place. I spent some time in Vegas hitting the blackjack tables and buying expensive drinks, then I traveled through Southern California visiting the fanciest restaurants I c...

I went to a organic restaurant where the sign read...

The lamb and beef is farm raised, the vegitables are home grown and all the oil we used was made organically at the restaurant. Please eat worry free.

When I went to pay my bill I left a note on the receipt that said, all of this money was organically printed at home. Please spend worry free...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man signs up for an experimental weight loss program......

......and he is told that they expect him to five pounds on the first day, ten pounds on the second day, and twenty pounds on the third day.

Naturally, the man agrees. He is brought to a room with a bed and a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a t shirt that says "If you catch me, you can f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The elbow

A man is complaining to his friend: "My elbow really hurts. I think I need to see a doctor." His friend answers: "Dude, this is 2012, in the supermarket they have a new computer that can diagnose much faster and cheaper. Just place a urine sample in the machine and it says what's wrong, and that onl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Miracle Machine

A guy is talking to a work buddy in the bar. The guy says, "man my wrist is killing me! I want to go to a doctor but im scared that the bill will be too high." The buddy says, "well you are in luck man! i heard from my wife that a new pharmacy just opened up and they have a machine that with just a ...

Two blondes are drawing money from an ATM. One of them says to the other...

I love the sound of money being printed.

A man buys a house

The guy he buys it from says
"we printed out the deed but didn't have paper so we printed it on this plank of wood, will that be okay?"
"That wooden deed"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An original sci-fi joke, very dark

One dystopian day (not too far off from today) Mary spent her lunch hour on "personal business." She found the right office at the courthouse easily. The form started off simple enough, and she filled in her identifying information, then paused at the date. It must be at least two months away....

An old Cuban immigrant is dying (NSFW-language)

and he asks his nurse "Please take me back to Cuba, I want to kiss the Cuban flag for one last time before I die". The nurse replies " We can't take you there, but I will get you the next best thing". She pulls down her pants and so it happens that she is wearing underwear with the Cuban flag printe...

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MI...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Carnation Milk

65 Years Ago.

This is PRICELESS ............

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around
her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk,
with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery
stores...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tennis Elbow (You might have heard it, but it's my personal favorite [worth the read])

Jerry walks into work after a three day weekend. He's complaining about his right arm hurting. He's new, and his health insurance hasn't kicked in yet, so he wants to avoid going to the doctor.

His coworker tells him not to worry.. "There's this new machine down at the pharmacy. You bring...

Crosspost from /r/WTF, seen on a menu

Please disregard if you saw this in /r/wtf.

http://i.imgur.com/1oqlvz3.jpg

[Original post](http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/1wtukn/this_is_printed_in_an_english_menu_at_a_mexican/)

Transcribed:

Why do Mexican kids walk around school like they own the place? Because t...