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Printed Jokes

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What do you call a dick pick when it’s printed out?

A hard copy

Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?

So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke older than Internet

One day Joe complained to his friend, ‘My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor.’

His friend advised ‘Don’t do that. There is a computer at the drugstore that will diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will dia...

All Swedish battleships have a UPC code printed on the hull.

When the ships return to port, it helps them Scandinavian.

I 3D printed a tree branch today

It's PLA stick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been giving my friends t shirts with photos of them printed on it for their birthdays.

Half of them think it's hilarious, and half of them tell me how the fuck did I get this picture of them sleeping.

I was in the store and the teller had a shirt with figure eight knots printed on it…

I told her, “That’s a very knotty shirt you have on”.

I don’t know what was more classic, the look on her face or my son when he screamed, “Dad!” As I just pointed at the shirt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille.

I used to rub the dirty parts.

The euro is being re-printed

on greece proof paper

At a clothing store, I came across some fancy shirts with "CORONA" printed on them

There were just a few Casual Tees.

Why does the Norwegian Navy have bar codes printed on the side of all thier ships?

So when they come back to port they can just Scandinavian.

I bought a book titled "What secrets lie behind the printed word"

Its just blank paper.

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college...

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.  However, I want you to appreciate it.  As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened.  His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial pl...

Do not shampoo in the shower

I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner.
I used shampoo in the shower and when we wash our hair the shampoo runs down our whole body.
Printed clearly on the shampoo label is the warning,

"For extra body and volume."

No wonder I have been gaining weight.
I got rid of s...

The waitress told me I could ask her 'anything about the menu'

What a liar. She had no idea who printed it or where the paper came from.

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant.

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.
The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.
The second day, the...

9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on any

... consumer product, the person who answers won't tell you what they're wearing. Trust me, I tried.

I just printed some pamphlets on how not to say the wrong thing and avoid getting into fights.

Who wants some?

I would never buy a plastic 3D printed car

Unless it came with ABS.

It took me 2 weeks to realize my calendar was printed upside-down.

What followed was an interesting turn of events.

Have you ever seen the serial number that is printed on every condom?

No? Oh, you must not have needed to unroll it that far...

Full disclosure: I searched and although this joke is definitely a repost, it's been about a year since the last time so I took an executive decision to post it again.

Did you know that each condom has a serial number printed on it?

I guess you have never had to roll it back that far.

"The other day I came across an old worn out Bible, printed by Guten-something"

"Not Gutenberg?!"

"Yeah, that was it"

"You idiot, one of those sold at auction recently for over a Million dollars!!"

"Oh, I don't think it would be worth anything that much. Some clown by the name of Martin Luther scribbled all over it"

I robbed a lamppost with words printed on it.

It's ok, I didn't get in trouble though.

You don't get karma from text posts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.



"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."



"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"



"Well, first, you hav...

Why did the man get the windows logo printed onto all his underwear

Because he thought it would make them software

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was lucky enough to win a couple of coupons for some cool bowling balls with number jokes printed on them.

I won two, three for five, sick "seven ate nine" ten pin bowling balls.

Or in other words I... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ...pin bowling balls.

A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.

The collector's friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.

"You don't mean Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You fool! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousand...

Obit

This printed in a Texas newspaper :

The oldest cowboy in Texas died this week at the age of 106.

On his birthday he was asked his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.

He left behind 8 childr...

I want to write a show called "Pun". I'll have the script printed out and taped to the floor of the set.

It'll be a play on words.

A man's wife decides to take up meditation, among other things

The man asked his wife why she was doing meditation. And she answered that she was feeling lost and trying to find herself.

So the man went and printed out a map of their local area, then made a pen mark where their house was on the map with a caption that said "You are here". Then presented ...

This week President Obama became the first president to get a life-size 3D-printed portrait done.

It looked so real that Joe Biden argued with it for 20 minutes that Peeta is better than Gale.

Biden then realized his mistake, . . . and admitted Gale is the clear choice.

If you bought rohypnol from a pharmacy....

Would it have Best Before Date printed on it?

In high school I was best friends with a pair of Chinese twins, Ving and Ling.

Ving truly hated his name and wanted to change it to Lee, as in Bruce Lee, but Ling kept trying to convince him not to do it since it was a big part of their heritage.
One day he decided it was finally time to go through with it, so me and Ling accompanied him to the courthouse, while Ling kept...

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven"...

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me.....

I printed out this website's logo and then I realised I didn't need it. Should I throw out the piece of paper or should I...

Shreddit

Apprehended

A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating wom...

Counterfeiters

Two counterfeiters were working on making some fake bills starting with $100’s. One of the plates slipped without them noticing, and printed out a whole run of $18 bills.

Instead of wasting them, they decided to head south to see if they could pass them off, thinking that locals wouldn’t kno...

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