Freddie Mercury auditions as Jason Bourne and lands the role in the latest film, which turns out to be a flop. When asked in interviews, what does he say?

"Sometimes wish I've never been Bourne at all".

Man auditions for circus

Interviewer asks: "So, what is your talent?"

"I imitate birds" man answered.

"I'm sorry, but that's not something we are looking for our show."

"Ok, thanks for your time anyway" said the man and flew out of the window.

Why do people say "break a leg" before an audition?

It's so that they'll end up in a cast.

I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago

I auditioned for the WWE a few years ago under the wrestling name ‘Paperman’.

I failed to get in though.

At the time Dwayne Johnson was the champion, and the bosses didn’t want me beating him.

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An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

When James Earl Jones auditioned for Darth Vader, George Lucas told him he had to have a Mid-Atlantic accent.

So, he went and bought a scuba air tank, and the rest is history.

Jack The Ripper once auditioned for a men's music group.

Apparently, he wasn't the sort of Backstreet Boy they were after.

What did the abbot say when a monk showed up for an audition with no sheet music?

You've got no chants

A man auditioned for a talent show

A man auditioned for a talent show and when he walked on to the stage the judge asked him what was his talent. The man replied "I do bird impressions".The judge said "Thats not something we would be interested in". The man said "Thats ok" and flew out the window.

Watched a talent show audition and of course before this guy gets up to sing he has to go on and on about how his Swedish car broke down on the way there and he has no way home, etc.

I wish people could just sing without telling a Saab story.

When I was auditioning for the talent show, my dad gave me a $1 bill and told me to let the judges see it.

When I said that a $1 bill wouldn't work to bribe the judges, he responded "It's not for bribing them, it's to let them see you actually holding a note!"

Eventually, Quasimodo dies and the Bishop immediately decides to hold auditions for the position of Notre Dame's bellringer.

After all, nobody lives forever. The bishop posted flyers all over Paris and the French countryside in the hopes that somebody, anybody could be half as good as Quasimodo was.

At the end of the day after a long week of holding auditions for disappointment after disappointment, the Bishop i...

I failed my audition as Amy Schumer

I told an actual joke.

X factor audition.

Boy:* Enters crying *


Judges: Guys we have a winner for this year.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

A mixed race man auditioned for the main part in a play, but he ended up only getting a minor role

He was half cast

The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died

The priests realized they would need a new person to ring the bells. They decided to hold auditions. After advertising the position in the town center there was a long line of peasants waiting to try out the next day.

One by one the priests called the peasants forward to pull the rope, ring t...

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"How did you do in the porno auditions?"

"Well, I got some small parts."

"Ah, well that certainly doesn't help, does it?"

 

^[OC]

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A man goes to audition for an anchor position at a local tv station

A man goes to the television station auditioning for an anchor position.

He sits down in front of the camera and begins, soon it is obvious that he has a terrible stutter, and hisleft eye continuously winks.

The producer says, "Thank you for your audition, we'll let you know."

T...

A former doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.

Fortunately, he could still make the cast.

Did you hear about Tom Hiddleston's secret audition to be in the next Marvel movie? Apparently he dropped his voice an octave to throw the casting director off balance...

He was auditioning as a low key, low-key, Loki.

Did you hear about the scissor that auditioned?

He didn't make the cut.

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Failed my audition in a play since I was being "innappropriate"

Fuck knows what they were on about though, not my fault my script said "Enter Juliet from rear"

I auditioned for a musical about the periodic table

I got the lead role!

I've been holding auditions for actors to play a new Fantastic Four team this afternoon...

... it's so stressful.

It's just been one Thing after another.

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A guy travels to LA to audition for a movie and finally get his big break

His plane lands and he gets a call from his agent saying "Quick! Book the first flight back to New York I got you a part in a play!"
Guy says "Great, when is it?"
Agent says, "tonight is opening night, I'll email you the script. The part you are playing only has one line."
The guy is disap...

Choirs tend to be less picky when auditioning basses, since there aren't as many of them

Just another example of special treatment for vocal minorities

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A guy auditions for a gig at a piano bar...

He plays a beautiful, original piece and gets hired on the spot. The club owner asks, "By the way, what's the name of that song?" The guy responds, "You Got a Beautiful Set of Tits."

"Woah, woah," says the club owner, "You're a great player but you gotta keep titles like that to yourself."...

The circus job audition.

Auditioning for a job at a circus were a young man and a young woman.

The woman said, “I’ll go first.” She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion’s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her ...

I was pretty offended when I auditioned for American idol and was told by the critics “don’t quit your day job”

But I guess the joke was on them - I’m unemployed.

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The Jazz Pianist

An Michelin star restaurant is looking for a pianist to entertain customers while they dine. The owner has been auditioning for weeks, but has had no luck finding someone suitable. One day, a guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager repli...

What did they tell the most famous child actress from the 30's when she tried to audition for a role in Harry Potter?

Shirley you can't be Sirius.

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I always wanted to become the world's youngest Elvis impersonator. My childhood was nonstop guitar practice voice training and dance class. I went to countless auditions before ever hitting puberty My performance was flawless but every time but every audition ended the same way...

... they looked me right in my face & said sorry kid you don't have the Chops.

Got a big audition coming up that requires me to tell a good school appropriate joke. I have plenty of jokes, none of them school appropriate. I thought I'd come here for help.

Got a big audition coming up that requires me to tell a good school appropriate joke. I have plenty of jokes, none of them school appropriate. I thought I'd come here for help.

I auditioned to be on the remake of "Snow White"

but i was turned away as i wasn't on the short list

My friend has gotten twelve auditions for movies in the last week alone.

I asked him how and all he could say was "It's this new medication". He never told me what it was, but I could safely assume that it was a fast acting drug.

I had a bad audition...

...but I acted like I didn't care.

I tried to audition for a movie about emos

but I didn't make the cut

A man went to audition for a popular cooking show…

…he had quit his job and decided that this was his one chance at achieving his dream of being a professional chef.
He cooked his specialty dish and was waiting for his turn to be judged when he noticed a sheet of paper with the competition rules.

One of the rules stated ‘the meal must con...

To be or not to be?

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction.
My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'

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A man with a nervous facial twitch is auditioning for a part in a play

Every few seconds his cheek spasms and one eye squints.

The director of the play says "How do you expect me to give you a part if you keep doing that?"

The man replies "I actually have a medication for it, please wait one moment while I take it." He reaches into his right pocket and pu...

I auditioned to be on "The Biggest Loser"...

They told me "you win"

I auditioned for a TV show for people with broken bones.

I didn't make the cast.

A church is auditioning for bell ringers in the bell tower.

Many children show up and finally the priest gets to the last one. Suddenly a little boy with no arms runs through the door and says, "Am I too late?" The priest wants to go home but asks the child, "How if you have no arms will you ring the bell?" Without question the child runs head first right in...

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A drunk woman was singing loudly on the street below an apartment building

A man shouts out the window, "There are American Idol auditions down the street."

The drunk woman heard this and was intrigued, "Which street?"

"Any of 'em ya cunt!"

Bruce Willis, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all auditioning for a film about composers...

Bruce Willis says "I'll be Mozart", Chuck Norris says "I'll be Beethoven" and Arnold Schwarzenegger says "I'll be Bach".

Why was the baguette excited for his audition?

He heard he might be playing a big roll

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

After experiencing Lethargy for almost 2 months now.........

I think I'm ready to audition for "American Idle "

"so why didn't you call me after our one night stand?"

"No,dear. It was an audition and you unfortunately didn't get the part!!"

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Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape but she got pissed off

when I started to hold auditions for her part.

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Piano player nsfw

So a bar owner has a piano in the corner that never gets played. He puts an ad in the paper to see if he can get a piano player to liven the place up.

The day of the auditions arrives and everyone is horrible. He's about to give up when a young man walks in and asks if he could audition. The ...

A band's drummer decides to quit

So the band has to audition for new drummers. They interview a bunch of people, and they decide to play a gig with the best one that night to see if he'll work out.


It goes great, except after every song, the new drummer says something like "You gotta brush your teeth or else you'll get g...

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Bob the ant wanted to be a stand-up comedian

He had a wild, bold, and crazy personality and sense of humor. He knew he would be hilarious if he just had the opportunity to get in front of a crowd.
 

So Bob the ant went around town auditioning for gigs. He let his crazy attitude go full force at the judges. They weren’t too impressed,...

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Samuel Jackson applies for the lead role in a play

All he's told is that it's the Greek tragedy, Oedipus, and after 4 gruelling rounds of auditions, he doesn't get the part.

He initially thinks it's because he's black.

He's later told it's because he's a bad motherfucker.

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A bar owner decides to make his place a piano bar.

He hires a pianist, buys a baby grand, shuts down the bar and has it redecorated. He talks to one of his friends and says,”Man, I hope this place goes over, I’m kind of worried no one will come.” The friend says, “Well, have a grand opening. Advertise and get the word out.” The bar owner takes his a...

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