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Endorse Jokes

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Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

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Emperor Palpatine decides to endorse Mountain Dew and appears on an advertisement

“DEW IT”

I endorse podiums

That’s a product I can stand behind!

-Norm Macdonald

Why did ISIS and MS-13 not endorse Donald Trump ?

He's taking their jobs.



Courtesy of my wife.

Celebrities are now being hired to endorse laxatives.

Someone call William Shatner.

Report: Trump endorses all-mail voting

Correction: Male voting, Trump endorses all-male voting.

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It’s ironic Whitney Houston did all those Pepsi endorsements

Then over dosed on Coke

Monica Lewinsky says she WILL endorse Hillary for president...

..says Hillary Clinton "doesn't suck."

Why did the Mayor take so long to endorse a Presidential candidate?

Because he was running on CP time.

Trump endorsed Roy Moore but not Don Blankenship...

I guess it's all right to mess with minors, but miners are off limits.

The National Shredded Cheese Council just endorsed Donald Trump for president...

They're ready to make America grate again.

Nine of ten doctors agree:

Getting paid to endorse things is awesome

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The Government of Canada is reducing the age of consent for anal sex to 16. Critics are suggesting that this is too early to be rectally penetrated, but I respectfully disagree.

As a Canadian, I wish to make it known that I heartily endorse this decision.

These are tumultuous times. Now more than ever, it is vitally important that our young people are equipped with the knowledge and experience they will need to succeed in the real world.

And nothing prepares y...

The politician, 1913

He was a young man - a candidate for an agricultural constituency - and he was sketching in glowing color to the audience of rural voters the happy life the laborers would lead under an administration for the propagation of sweetness and light.

"We have not yet three acres and a cow, but it w...

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A doctor walks into a bank.

Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, "Well that's great, just great...some asshole's got my pen."

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I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange I was supposed to endorse a bathroom cleaner. Of course I didn't do it, because I'm a morally grounded person with strong willpower. Almost as strong as Ajax bowl and tile cleaner. Now with cherry or vanilla scent.

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Working the club circuit

A comedian is working his way up the ranks in the industry. He travels around working small venues for minimal pay, hoping to get noticed and hit it big.

On a seemingly regular Wednesday night at the Laughter House in Bloomington, WI he sets up for a gig that might end up changing his life....

The other day, my son was kicked out of the zoo,

The security staff found him throwing chocolates and flowers into one of the enclosures. He said he had found 'the love of his life' and just wanted to give her some tokens of his love. Naturally, I was very concerned about this sort of behavior and didn't want to encourage any relationship of t...

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It’s 2015. Bill Clinton is whipping up celebrity endorsements for Hillary with a Halloween party. He invites his friend, Arnold Schwarzenegger and suggests they go as dead presidents for the media. “Too cliche” says Arnie. “What about dead musicians.” “Great idea. I’ll be Coltrane. What about you?”

“I’ll be Bach.”

CNN has just reported that Monika Lewinski will be helping with the Donald Trump for president campaign.

Apparently, the last time she endorsed a Clinton, it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Trump's last two chances to save his election campaign at the second debate:

1. Be endorsed by Dave.

2. Bring out a resurrected Harambe on stage.

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My teacher called me a procrastinator today.

But I'd say I'm more of an amateurcrastinator considering none of my endorsement checks have come in yet.

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Anna Kournikova is approached by her agent with one last career option.

He explains that with her youthful looks behind her, her best option is to take a training shoe endorsement she has been offered. She'll only need to model the footwear from the legs down, and give them use of her name.

She's reluctant because years of top level tennis gave her leg muscles wh...

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So a toothbrush salesman is down on his luck

He goes into a bar and orders a shot. The bartender gives him a shot and asks "What's wrong buddy? You look like the world is about to collapse."
"Well my friend,(the salesman slowly take his shot, stares at the empty glass and replies) I'm a toothbrush salesman and I haven't made a sale in over...

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My name is Juan

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

“You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education”...

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