Motion Jokes - 59 Hilarious Motion Jokes

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When you say the word poop, your mouth does the same motion as your hole.

Same can be said for the phrase "explosive diarrhea".

It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...

It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

A professor and his student were discussing Newtons Laws of motion...

They were having a conversation of momentum.

A Teacher wants to do a little Quiz with her Students.

Teacher:"Guess what this is, which animal has a Beak and Feathers?"

Random Student:"A Duck!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Goose.
Next question, which animal has Claws and Fur?"

Random Student:"A Dog!"

Teacher:"Thats right, but it could also be a Cat."...

He motioned her to come over with a wiggle of his finger.

As she walked over he turned to his friend and said, see I can make a woman come with just one finger.

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie.

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie. The director wants to sprinkle white laundry soap flakes in front of the camera to simulate snowfall, so he sends his producer to the grocery store to buy some laundry soap.

The producer comes back several hours later. "It's the pandemic, ...

My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion.

I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"

Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her...

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her , then pressed, kneaded, and r...

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I Asked My Wife For The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”

She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a ...

Why are motion capture actors no longer allowed to pick the tightest fitting mocap-suit?

Because it constantly turned on the cameras.

I tried to make a joke about Brownian motion...

But, on average, folks were unmoved.

My love for you is like perpetual motion

It doesn’t exist

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How tall is a penguin?

A man rushes into a bar and screams at the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender looks at him weirdly and says, "Excuse me?"

The man repeats, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender motions with his hands. "Uh, about this high."

The color drains from the man's ...

I'm sorry about all the perpetual motion jokes!

I just can't stop

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Attractive women sits in a dark bar when the waiter beings over a drink and motions that its from the gentleman in the corner

The women looks at the man and asks the waiter for a pen and paper. She writes something and sends a note back to the gentleman that had sent the drink.

The gentleman opens the note and it reads:

For me to be able to accept this drink and come and enjoy it with you there are a few th...

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

Sometimes I lightly run my finger in a circular motion around my lower face..

It’s called *a lip tickle*

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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

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It's the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat that counts

But it takes a long time to get to England in a row boat

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

What is hot, moves in a circular motion, has balls, and makes a woman feel amazing?

A heated shiatsu food massager. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Great present by the way...so much happy.

The price motion detectors has gradually decreased over time to the point where they're mere pennies.

There's a great book about this called "Cents and Sensibility"

One Sunday, with one hand motion, God caused the Earth to begin to revolve around the Sun. "What should we call it when it goes all the way around?" asks Adam.

"A year," God replied.

Now, he made another hand motion, and the Earth began to rotate on a tilted axis.

"What should we call it when it rotates all the way around?" Adam asks.

God sighs and takes a seat on the grass below. "Let's call it a day."

"Shinedark," mumbles God. "Earthspin. Fadetablack...no that's stupid...."

"With all due respect, Holiest of Holies," sighs Lucifer, motioning to his fellow seraphim, "we're all exhausted. Can't we just call it a day?"

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The Boss Of The Body (not mine)

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We s...

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A woman says to her husband after -"Oh honey.. Its not the size of the boat, its the motion of the ocean!"

He looks up and yells
"Well it takes a long time to get to England in a canoe!"

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When you say "poop," your mouth make the same motion that your makes when you actually poop...

... This is a rare phenomenon known as onomato-poo-a.

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I was having with my girlfriend, and thought I'd try something new

so I stopped and completely froze in motion. She asked me "What the hell are you doing?" I said " a move I saw on pornhub.. it's called buffering"

The Monkey knows everything.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looke...

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job s...

A gorilla walks into a restaurant.

He sits down at a booth and a waitress comes over to take his order. He orders an ice cream sundae. The waitress goes back into the kitchen, gets him an ice cream sundae and takes it to his table. The gorilla eats the sundae and then motions to the waitress for the bill. The waitress comes over, giv...

Old lady gets pulled over by a cop for driving slowly

While thinking she's on perscription medication and needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are any weapons in her vehicle. She tells him "Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do. I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console, a Gloc...

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" is a literary masterpiece!

Some might even call it poultry in motion...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer...

News reports today that Senate GOP leader Mitch McConnell hospitalized after fall.

He finally brought a motion to the floor.

Two native Americans are walking across the plains

Two Native Americans are walking through the Great Plains. Suddenly the ground started to rumble. One of them sticks his ear to the ground for a few seconds. He stands back up and motions to the other “Buffalo come”. The other looks at him and asks him how he knows. The first cups his hand to the si...

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God asks a guy, would you set in motion a chain of events that will lead to the whole visible universe being destroyed in 1 million years, for 1 trillion dollars? Guy says yes thats alot of money and I've got to live for today.

God pulls out a mountain of cash and swims in it and says, then you'll understand what I did 999,999 years ago.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of coma...

...for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got f...

I was responding to another attorney's filing today but my heart wasn't in it.

You could say I was just going through the motions.

Crossing

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across B...

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A man and a woman are working together on a job site

The man realizes he forgot to grab his 2 pound hammer and he and the woman are too far away from each other to understand what either of them are saying, so he tries to signal her.

To represent his need for the 2 pound hammer, he points at his eyes, makes a number 2 with his fingers and a wav...

A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

A man falls asleep at church.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I...

Lover's Lane

A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat.

The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing up here?"

"I'm reading a book sir."
...

A woman walks into a convenience store...

"I need four D batteries," she says.

The cashier nods and motions to her with a finger. "Come this way."

"If I could come that way, I wouldn't need four D batteries!"

A Student is in Engineering Class, when the Teacher asks What is a Machine?

Student 1: A machine is anything that reduces human effort

Teacher: Will you please elaborate?

Student 1: Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine

Teacher: What is the true definition?

Student 2: Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected t...

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A bear and a rabbit are walking through the forest...

And they stumble upon a magic lamp. The bear rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says, "I will grant you each 3 wishes."

The bear says, "I wish I wish I was the only male bear in this forest, so all the other female Bears will be forced to be with me." The genie grants him this ...

Why can't cabbages run fast?

They move in slaw motion

20 minutes

Late at night, a cop was driving past a well known lover’s spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on.

The cop drives up to the car, to get a closer look.
He sees a young man behind the wheel, browsing his phone, and a young woman in the rear seat, also browsing her phone....

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A man records his wedding night…

A man decides to audio record his wedding night and one year later on their anniversary, play it back to re-live the wonderful sounds his wife was making that night. So he played it back and she was saying “ah ah…that’s happiness”. He was moved to tears.

He decided to share this special mome...

So, Jesus and the Apostles walk into a Bar...

Jesus motions to the bartender, says "13 waters, please," and winks at the apostles.

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

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A woman gets on a city bus.

She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.

Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger aske...

Fitting joke for Hurricane Harvey

This is a Joke my Dad (who is Catholic) once told me when I was young. With Hurricane Harvey currently outside my window, I was reminded of it. Maybe it will give some humor to those currently in worse off areas than I.

A woman lives on the Texas coastline. Her town orders her to evacua...

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Young mans first-ever around-the-world cruise

A young sailor about to go on his first-ever around-the-world cruise, visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

“Gramps, I’m so excited to go on my first cruise,” he says.

“Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you’re taking everything you need,” says the grandfather.
...

A retail worker was talking to a customer when they noticed some long, high pitched noises coming from the electronic section

‘Your Macbooks aren’t breaking are they?’ mused the slightly concerned customer.

The worker listened to the noise for a moment before motioning offhandedly to the speaker section.

‘Don’t worry, it’s just a Dell.’

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