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Approve Jokes

Trump says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the US—I don't approve.

Immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.

My friend working in the Marriott WTC doesn’t approve of 9/11 jokes.

They hit too close to home.

Putin's War has resulted in waiting lists in Russia again, just like the old USSR. A couple finally got approved to get a new car. "Your car will be ready in one year, five months and 23 days." "Morning or afternoon?" "What difference does that make?"

"The plumber is coming in the morning."

My wife does not approve of my collection of bobbleheads that look just like me.

She says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.

How old Mildred stopped gossiping.

Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals. She kept sticking her nose into other people's business, even if several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities. However, they feared her enough to maintain their silence.

Once, she accused a ...

What's the only Papally-approved fast food chain in the US?

Popeyes

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

How to they approve animal doctors?

How do they approve animal doctors?

Do they go through a vetting process?

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A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.


"No. My husband wouldn't approve."


"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"


"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."


So the man sh...

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FDA finally approved the official Anal Condom...

The reason it took this long is because their wives only allowed them to test it on their birthdays and the tests were always abruptly cancelled.

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Help! I am a man and my parents don't approve of me dating another man

They say I need to divorce the one I am married to first.

My friend from Prague finally got his US citizenship approved

That makes him a cancelled Czech

I told my date that I've got a thing for asses, but she didn't approve.

To be fair, I should've just said that I own a stable.

It is said that the Sheiks in Dubai do not approve of the Flintstones.

But those in Abu Dhabi do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven

St Peter is processing them in. "Name and occupation, please?"

The first one says "Andrea Smith, I was a doctor."

"Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?"

The second one says "Megan Jones, I was a nurse."

"Of course. Nurses who care for the sic...

My grandmother didn't approve of me working at the nudist tennis club.

But you should have seen her face when I told her I'd been promoted from ball boy to head of staff.

People don't approve when I run up to them in the street & try to make plaster casts of their faces.

At least that's the impression that I get.

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

I don't approve of political jokes

I have seen too many of them get elected.

It's official, the City Council has approved the removal of all u-turns in town.

There's no turning back now.

I'm pretty excited. My loan got approved.

I'll be closing on a full tank of gas this week.

The United States Senate approved a measure last week to make daylight saving time permanent across the country.

Alabama already did this several years ago, deciding to permanently go back to 1845.

My boss doesn't approve my practice of taking a glass of rum before work. He said "I won't tolerate alcoholism in a workplace!", to which I replied "Sir, it's not alcoholism..

*it's microboozing*

A cemetery superintendent was hoping to approve newly donated lands for internment

The Holy Cross Cemetery had received a surprise donation that would double the real estate of their current holdings, which were already overcrowded.

The lead undertaker, Arthur Falconer, was tasked by the superintendent with surveying the new land to plan how to layout the new headstones....

My visa to visit Afraica got approved.

Now I Congo

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A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage. 

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals

Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????

General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..

Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in t...

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

Brexit has been approved.

Now the EU has 1 GB more space

Elon Musk’s tunnel-digging venture just got approved for expansion...

Even more boring than before!

I can't believe that my joke about The Who and The Kinks wasn't approved.

I've obviously upset the mods.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the Belgians are pissed...

The king of Belgium is fed up that the Dutch make jokes about how dumb Belgians are. He goes to King Willem, of the Netherlands, and demands that the Dutch should do something stupid, so that the Belgians can laugh at the Dutch. Willem wants to maintain good relations so he says; "meh, we will build...

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The Smallest Dick In The World

3 guys are meeting at the pub. The first one said "I have the smallest arms in the world", the second "I have the smallest head in the world" and the third "I have the smallest dick in the world". Since they want all of that approved, they thought to go to the Guinness book of records. The first one...

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It took a ton of work and time for my wife to be approved for disability from the SSA...

The whole process was ASS backwards.

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

The FDA just approved a new herbicide that only targets seedlings.

It's called Plant B.

A man is walking through the park when he spots an elderly man crying his eyes out on a park bench...

Feeling empathic, he sits down beside the man, and tries to initiate conversation.


"Troubles with the wife?..." he asks gently
"W-Wife? No not at all, I have an amazing wife at home, she's a beautiful person, we've been married for fifty years, she's an amazing cook too!"
"Oh,...

If congress approves funding for the wall ...

... Mexico will get a wall and the USA will pay for it.

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

The Russian Government has released a new streaming service with only state-approved media. All American submissions are immediately denied.

They call it NYET-flix

I lost my watch at a party.

After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody tre...

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