UPJOKE
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My wife does not approve of my collection of bobbleheads that look just like me.

She says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Half a head of cabbage

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking i...

"The report"

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

A prudish mother visits her adult daughter

Her daughter was living in an apartment with a young man, and she did not approve of her living situation. The daughter picked up the mother from the airport, and brought her home. The mother carefully looked around the house. Two bedrooms, one clearly the daughter's, and one clearly belonging to...

The United States Senate approved a measure last week to make daylight saving time permanent across the country.

Alabama already did this several years ago, deciding to permanently go back to 1845.

I'm pretty excited. My loan got approved.

I'll be closing on a full tank of gas this week.

Trump says he’ll put a cap on immigrants coming into the US—I don't approve.

Immigrants should be allowed to wear what they like.

Brand new kid-approved koala joke

My kids think this dad joke is genius and so do I.

Q. What do you call a koala that really loves Chicken & Stars?

>!A. A MORE-SOUP-ial. !<

It's official, the City Council has approved the removal of all u-turns in town.

There's no turning back now.

How to they approve animal doctors?

How do they approve animal doctors?

Do they go through a vetting process?

Help! I am a man and my parents don't approve of me dating another man

They say I need to divorce the one I am married to first.

It is said that the Sheiks in Dubai do not approve of the Flintstones.

But those in Abu Dhabi do.

I told my date that I've got a thing for asses, but she didn't approve.

To be fair, I should've just said that I own a stable.

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

So I’m trying to open a chain of outdoor, overnight facilities to help children overcome symptoms of ADHD.

Unfortunately I’m having trouble getting the bank to approve a loan for concentration camps.

My visa to visit Afraica got approved.

Now I Congo

People don't approve when I run up to them in the street & try to make plaster casts of their faces.

At least that's the impression that I get.

I can't believe that my joke about The Who and The Kinks wasn't approved.

I've obviously upset the mods.

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in t...

I don't approve of political jokes

I have seen too many of them get elected.

Amazon just got approved for drone delivery

We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

My boss doesn't approve my practice of taking a glass of rum before work. He said "I won't tolerate alcoholism in a workplace!", to which I replied "Sir, it's not alcoholism..

*it's microboozing*

Brexit has been approved.

Now the EU has 1 GB more space

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

My friend from Prague finally got his US citizenship approved...

He is a cancelled Czech now.

A couple of hours after Trump approved "offensive" cyber strikes against Iran's missile systems, he is heard shouting at his generals

Trump : WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE ARE NOT SENDING THE TROOPS????

General : But..But… sir, this is an attack via cyber space..

Trump : DO YOU THINK I AM THAT STUPID?? WHAT'S THE SPACE FORCE FOR THEN???

Elon Musk’s tunnel-digging venture just got approved for expansion...

Even more boring than before!

How to stop the church gossip

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new m...

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos

Now they won't post m'loan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.


"No. My husband wouldn't approve."


"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"


"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."


So the man sh...

There was once a boy

Forgive me for my bad english, its my second language. Feel free to give corrections if there are any

There was once a boy who treats everyone garbage, making fun of someone by who they are in the outside. His mother didn’t approve this behavior and told to his son that it was not right to ri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It took a ton of work and time for my wife to be approved for disability from the SSA...

The whole process was ASS backwards.

The FDA just approved a new herbicide that only targets seedlings.

It's called Plant B.

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Ha...

The election of Vladimir Putin will commence in a few days

Citizens will be asked to choose between Putin and the firing squad.

As of now, 80% of the population approve of him.

>!The rest 20% are missing!<

If congress approves funding for the wall ...

... Mexico will get a wall and the USA will pay for it.

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