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As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.

Larry is having his performance evaluation and his boss is showing his disappointment.

He said, “Larry, you used to be a great worker, but for the past few months I never seem to see you working when I come by your office. What happened?”

Larry looks at the boss and said, “Well, in August they carpeted the hallway…”

I received a warning at work for poor performance.

We've got 4 sales-people in total. Over the past month Jack \[the boss's son\] has sold nothing. Alex has made £1000, in sales. I've made £5000, and the top guy made £16000.

I got the warning for my performance being below average.

I told them "That's just mean"

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.


“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.


“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.


So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.


A guy driving by sees this and ...

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After sex a woman tells a man that she didn't like his performance, that his organ was to small.

He looks at her and says "I didn't know I would be playing in a cathedral".

Street Performance

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."<...

A juggler, driving to his next performance...

Stopped by the police.

"What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches master...

Great performance!

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the...

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A recent symphony performance

During a recent performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony, the two bass violin players become bored because there is a long period where they have nothing to do. One invites the other to go across the alley to a bar. One drink leads to another. Finally one says they need to get back, but the other say...

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My sexual performance is just like the movie...

*Gone in 60 Seconds*

How much did the Fiddler on the Roof charge for a performance?

Nothing. It was on the house.

An orchestra is performing Chopin

Halfway through the performance a cellist bursts into the concert hall, late and drunk as a skunk. He then pushes his way to his seat and starts awkwardly sawing away at his cello as if nothing was awry.

The conductor was furious! He snapped his baton and dove at the cellist, choking him to d...

Did you hear about Travis Scott’s latest performance?

He really crushed it

Website....We use cookies to improve performance.

Me...Same.

My group mates told me to practice my lines for the school performance

Don't know why I got expelled. All I did was bring out a dollar bill and mom's credit card and did what I was told

What do you get when you cross a mafia Consigliere with a performance artist?

Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.

An average performance

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

A American, a French man, a Spaniard and a German are watching a street performance

They were in the back peeking through the crowd of people, The performer noticed them struggling to see and notices a wooden box nearby. Without stopping his performance he stands on the box and says, "Can u see me"
They reply
"Yes"
"Oui
"Sí"
"Ja".

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My German girlfried likes to rate my sexual performance on a scale 1-10. [NSFW]

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done

Farmer Giles is worried about the performance of his prize bull

Farmer Giles is worried about the performance of his prize bull; he doesn't seem to be interested in the cows. So he goes to the vet who prescribes a course of pills for the bull.

A few weeks later, a friend comes by and asks Farmer Giles how the bull is getting on.

"Just great!" says ...

The toughest part about being an opera conductor is people calling you after each performance and asking you to send them photos of your pianist.

So many lawsuits...

My performance in the bedroom is like a high-sticking call in hockey.

Typically 2 minutes, but 4 minutes if there's blood.

If the mark of a great performance is always leave them wishing there was more

Then I’m great in bed

Bad performance

Boss: were going to have to let you go.

Me: why?

Boss: your performance has been lacking.

Me: same reason my girlfriend left me.

I wish this was a joke.

A musician is hired to perform at a home for the elderly

When he arrives, there is a comedian already on the stage. The comedian says "Number seventeen!" And the crowd chuckles. Then he says "Number thirty-one!" The crowd laughs. Then he says "Number fourty-four!" And the crowd roars and claps.

The musician is naturally confused, so he asks t...

I am afraid that I’m about to lose my job at the graffiti removal company for poor performance.

The writing…is on the wall.

I once did a theater performance about writing puns....

It was a play on words

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

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An awesome performance

*This is a local joke with a specific humor attached, but i hope someone finds this funny. Also, my english is bad, so apologies for that in advance.*

Once upon a time, there was this small town which somehow had a circus. It was nothing special until one day, when people woke up to advertism...

The Nigerian football team apologize for their poor performance in yesterday's match.

They will be issuing refunds for anyone who purchased tickets. Just send in your bank details and pin number...

In a concert hall, the concertmaster walks onto the stage to announce the performance

"Piano Concerto no. 1, by Frederic Chopin", - he says, followed by the musician sitting down at the piano.

The pianist starts playing, and is close to a virtuoso. The performance is flawless, the audience applauds in awe, when a large figured man in a really expensive suit emerges from the f...

I work as a Customs Officer and yesterday I had my yearly performance review.

They feel I'm borderline incompetent.

I had a performance in an art gallery today.

It was to draw in more people.

A man recently bought himself a new Lada, but a couple of days later he's back at the dealership complaining about the performance.

The salesman who sold him the car asks him about the specifics.



"Come outside," said the man, "and I'll show you what I mean." So they go outside, and the man points to a hill just further down the road. "You see that hill there? Every time I go up there, I can't get past 40."

...

Mariah Carey'a New Year's performance.

That's it...

I just saw a theater performance called "The Woodpecker and the Metal Pole"

The performance was impeccable!

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

Boss: "Your performance has been terrible, you're fired."

Me: *Hands in gun and badge*

Boss: "you work at McDonald's how the hell did you get those"

I'd never let my kids watch an orchestral performance.

Too much sax and violins.

Mr. Larkin isn't satisfied with the performance of his class

So on day, he says with an odious smile:

'Please, whoever thinks they're an idiot: stand up!'

Big silence, everyone remains seated. Suddenly, a young man stands up carefully.

'So, you think the appellation of "idiot" applies to you, do you?' asks Mr. Larkin in a derisory tone....

A man went to the doctor for male performance problem.

“Do you think the booze could be an issue?” Asks the doctor.

“Maybe not the booing so much as her slow, ironic clapping.”

A band group was practicing the night before their big performance...

The rehearsal was going great! But the guitarist went up to the band leader.

“I’m not so sure that I’m going to do well tomorrow. I really don’t want to screw it up.”

The leader replies: “our performance will be just fine as long as you don’t fret!”

The guitarist has a puzzled l...

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After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance,

for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.

Lost my job as a hedge fund manager today, not sure if due to dress code or work performance!

All the boss would tell me is something about my shorts and that that they didn't cover.

My school did a performance last year called "The Dictionary"

Turns out it was just a play on words.

A ventriloquist is performing and makes a blonde joke.

A blonde woman in the audience is offended and says “How does my hair color affect my intelligence and value as a person?” The ventriloquist apologizes and promises not to make any more blonde jokes for the rest of the performance. The blonde says “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the guy o...

What the hot bride said to her stockbroker husband the day after they were married.

Past performance is not indicative of future returns

"And for our next performance, please welcome, The Bailiffs"

"Take it away boys"

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