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Guideline Jokes

I read that if you're unsure about how much to spend on an engagement ring, a monthly pay check is a good guideline.

So I spent £200 and gave most of the ring to our landlord.

I refuse to follow CDC guidelines!

If I want to buy beer before 8:00 A.M., the damnit I'm going to get it!

Did you hear that the CDC issues new guidelines today?

They said if your head is far enough up your ass, there's no need to wear a mask.

Why are CDC's covid guidelines not complete

Today they told us that a facemask and gloves are enough to be safe outside, and when I came outside I saw everybody is wearing clothes.

Michigan has updated their social distancing guidelines

Residents are now asked to stay one oars-length away from one another.

The FDA has issued guidelines on animal testing

All companies testing on rats are encouraged to switch to lawyers, for the following reasons:

1. They are easier to breed

2. Nobody cares what happens to them

3. There are some things rats just won't do

Finnish people eagerly await giving up the mandatory social distancing guidelines

So they can return from the government mandated 2 meters of distance to the normal 5 meters

Want to follow social distancing guidelines but still meet with your friends and family?

Just gather in groups of three, as there will be 6 feet between all of you :)

Despite CDC guidelines, there's no reason to worry about people not covering their noses with their masks.

They're mouth-breathers anyway.

Apparently the CDC is even limiting JOKES now? The CDC put out humor guidelines today asking Americans to limit themselves to

only telling inside jokes

Social distancing guidelines have been relaxed, and we can now have gatherings of up to 8 people without issues

But I don't even know 8 people without issues.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

What do a chiropractor, a comedian, and a druggie all have in common?

They all try their best to crack you up!





(i posted this to a different joke sub a few hours ago... first time poster, hope i'm following community guidelines)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three naked men outside a Halloween party.

The one guideline to enter the party was that the person trying to get in must have a costume. Near the Halloween party, there was a trash can. None of the men had costumes, obviously, so they agreed to search through the trash can to look for anything to wear as a costume.

The first man foun...

What do you call a Sikh man...

What do you call a Sikh man standing on one leg? Balan Singh

What do you call a Sikh man on his day off? Relak Singh

And what do you call a Sikh man who follows Covid-19 guidelines? Soshal Distan Singh!

A chemist went to see a doctor

"Doctor, I don't feel thirst and keep finding myself always dehydrated". "Drink 8 glasses of fluid a day as a guideline" adviced the doctor.

"Can I count in fruit juice?" asked the man. "Since they do contain a bit of sugar, don't forget to supplement the fluid intake with H20 too" replied th...

Two Bros, chillin' in a hot tub! 5 feet apart cause they're....

...following the guidelines of social distancing in regards of the recent coronavirus outbreak.

Your Momma is so fat...

...that she and the 2 guys DPing her are obeying social distancing guidelines.

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on my phone reading the news waiting in the supermarket checkout line. A dude came up and asked me, “what’s in the news tonight?”

Me: “Man who pays no taxes returns to government provided housing after receiving free medical treatment from taxpayer funded healthcare.”

Dude: “sounds like some libtard bullshit.”

Me: “Yeah, here is another - Husband of immigrant woman ignores government health guidelines and possibl...

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater

Tom Hardy goes to a movie theater to rewatch his movie - the Dark Knight Rises. To avoid being recognized on the street, he rushes into the theater, forgetting to wear his mask. Before he gets far, one of the theater employees stops him. Tom thinks it’s one of his fans asking for an autograph but to...

A dog is being interviewed to join MI6

The agent in charge of the process is irritated by this, but he is relieved that the agency provides a set of guidelines that dictates whether or not a candidate passes. So the agent takes the dog for the first test.


“Your first task is to type at 60 words a minute.”


To the age...

/r/Jokes is looking for Mods!

Sorry all! The time to apply is now over.


Well all, looks like we are growing again and in need of a few more mods. If you want to check out the details and apply, see the link below:

http://www.reddit.com/r/needamod/comments/24sqne/css_and_regular_2_mod_positions_opening_up_in/<...

The Botched Executions

Obligatory first time posting so I'm hoping I follow all the guidelines and you all like the joke!

A Priest, Lawyer and Engineer are traveling together in a foreign country and unfortunately get arrested. They are all three set to be executed by guillotine.

The Priest is all set up, a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the beginning of COVID 19, there was a man.

He was told to wash his hands for 20 seconds at a time. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should be wearing a mask to protect others. He chose not to and said God would protect him and the believers.
He was told he should socially distance. He w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Sides to the Story

God tells Saint Peter," Peter, John's taking a break. I want you to go the Pearly Gates and ask every new incoming soul for their story of their death, you should have the information on their lives and how they were in their files, and follow the guidelines to let the men into heaven."

Peter...

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