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Financial Jokes

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

What do you call a heavy metal band With financial problems?

Megadebt

Financial aid



An Australian guy is traveling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Fosters, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come b...

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

Financial Advice

With inflation at 7.5%, you lose half your money in 9 years. The only way to outperform that consistently, that I have found, is crypto. Just this year I've already lost half my money.

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Financial collapse in Japan

Origami Bank has folded.


Sumo Bank has gone belly up.


Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.


Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.


There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank...shareholders are afraid they...

Why do so many restaurants have financial problems?

Because there's no Accounting for Taste.

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

A hacker saw my financials

He set up a go fund me

Two financial advisors are in a bank when armed robbers burst in...

While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other proceeds to take the wallets, cell phones, watches, and other valuables from the customers.

In the midst of the chaos, the first advisor jams something into his friend’s hand. Without looking down, the second advisor says, "...

I’m doing pretty well financially these days.

My bank just said my debt is outstanding!

Soviet financial inspector visits a synagogue

Soviet financial inspector visits synagogue with a mission to prove that local Jewish community hides some profits from tax authorities.

As he looks through the books and find nothing suspicious - an idea comes to his mind.

He asks rabbi:

\- Rabbi, soviet authorities sent you 10...

Did you hear about the constipated financial planner?

He couldn’t budget.

Financial studies are too hard.

I always lose interest.

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Financial Trouble

A husband and wife have fallen on hard times and are at the end of their rope. After much debate and discussion, it is decided that the wife will go out and give blowjobs. The wife leaves for a few hours and then returns home.

Husband- “How’d it go?”

Wife - “Great. I made $300.25.”<...

Some financial advice

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says:

"I’ll give you $800 to dro...

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I just started a financial advisor/ credit repair company called Financial Fiber.

I help you get your shit together.

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What do you call the the Head of the Washington D.C. Financial Ethics Board?

>!They would be the Capitol Capital Principle Principal!<

Danny DeVito was behind bars, allegedly for financial crimes against his wife...

During his stint in lockdown, he earned the nickname, "Powerhouse."

His new cellmate, seeing how short and squat and old he was, asked him, "Man, how did you ever get the name 'powerhouse?'"

"It's short for 'the powerhouse of the cell block." But his cellmate still looked perplexed, so...

When people question you on your financial status

Hey look.. I don't check my bank balance coz I don't need that negative energy in my life

What do you call a financial scam in Egypt?

A pyramid scheme!

This is an awfully hard time for me financially.

Last month I was unable to pay the bills to my exorcist and as a consequence I have been repossessed.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Married couple during hard financial times....

A man and his wife are having hard financial times and decide that the husband will pimp the wife out.



The man parks and waits while his wife goes around the corner to stir up business.



At the end of the night, the wife comes back to the car, and her husband asks how mu...

My financial situation is so bad....

...... I'm being sponsored by a child in Africa

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Little Johnny's mother was upset about her son's swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.

There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny's mother talks about her situation.

"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence."

"Why, I have ju...

I'm not one to brag about my financial skills,

but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

~ Rob DenBleyker (Cyanide & Happiness)

My financial advisor said that I need to be better with my money.

So I fired him.

Why should you never take financial advice from a chef?

They like to whisk it all.

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John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray.

''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money....

My neighbor was hit by a financial crisis

He has to eat moldy cheese, drink old wine and drive in cars without roofs.

My financial advisor asked me "What's your net worth?"

I said "I don't own a net".

A man started a financial advice company.

The prices were 1000€ per question.

His brother asked: Isn't that a bit too much?

The man answered: Yes it is. Do you have any other questions?

Financial Planning like a pro

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. His sickly father told Dan he was going to inherit the business and a fortune but his father's one wish was to see Dan get married and settled before he passed on.
One evening, Dan went to a financial plannin...

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A small business owner in financial trouble was told by his accountant that he needed to cut staff

The accountant said, "Jack and Susan have the highest salaries, so one of them will have to be laid off."

The owner replied, "Susan is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'll have to think this over, and maybe discuss it with both of them."


The next morning, the o...

Why did the financial system collapse in ancient Egypt?

Pyramid schemes.

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

What did the financial adviser say to his client asking about if glass coffins were a good investment?

"It's remains to be seen."

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

A minister had fallen on tough financial times...

So tough, that he was unsure of how he would pay next months bills, or continue to provide food for his family.

One day, in a moment of doubt, he prayed: "Heavenly Father, I am worried and uncertain, but know that you always provide for your children. Please, give me some words from your book...

I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp.

It beats telling them I'm a cashier at McDonald's.

Financial Advisor: "I don't quite know how to break this to you but you're basically broke." Wife: "He's always spending money on stupid stuff!"

Me: "Lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid."

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Never ask Sean Connery for financial advice

He told me to shave my money, but all I ended up with was torn bills :( Dick move, Sean.

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Financial burdens

So this couple is going over their budget and notices that this week they aren't going to be able to pay the electric bill this month. The husband turns to the wife to let her know that in order to cover the budget she is going to have to start hooking to pay the mortgage, but not to worry as he wi...

I know the pandemic is causing people to struggle financially, but honestly, I'm making a fortune.

I rent out bookcases to be installed behind everyone doing a TV interview about either Covid or the Impeachment process.

My uncle is a general contractor primarily focused on the construction of new branch locations for credit unions and other financial institutions.

He makes bank.

I was a financial advisor in the army...

One time a contractor approached me and asked if I wanted to buy some panzers that his company built.

I considered it for a while but remembered that the air force needed to get new fighter jets.

I turn back to the contractor and say, “sorry, but we just don’t have enough room in the b...

Nerdy financial humor. You have been warned.

I started showing more interest in one of my investments.

It appreciated it.

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Hitler was experiencing financial issues...

Hitler was experiencing financial issues and grew jealous of the Jews who were often described as being 'made of money'.

It wasn't until he overheard a Jew saying that he had 'money to burn' did he get his brightest idea.

Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"

"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"

"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?”

"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."

"So you let your three de...

When life gives you financial troubles...

Make Financialade.

What do you call a reptile that gives sound financial advice?

An “Invest-i-Gator”.

Courtesy of my 8-year old daughter. :)

My financial adviser said I should be tight with my money.

So when I got home I high-fived my wallet.

A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college...

"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.  However, I want you to appreciate it.  As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened.  His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial pl...

If I'd had a nickel for every time I've been financially irresponsible...

I'd probably still be in debt right now.

A husband and his wife are having financial difficulties. After many nights and days of talking, with ideas coming and going, they decide she should try prostitution.

They agree on the prices- £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral, and £100 for intercourse, the husband would be waiting in the car.
She meets a guy in a bar and he accepts her advances so she tell him the prices.
She says "Its £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral and £100 for intercourse."
"Gee,"...

In Australia, we have the new financial assist schemes "JobSeeker" and "JobKeeper"

At least the unemployed get titles that sound like they are on a Quidditch team.

My financial adviser asked me what I bring home at the end of every month.

"Crippling depression," I told him.

Guess who my financial advisor is going to be for halloween.

PENNY-WISE

The five senses have had massive lay-offs in their financial department.

There's no accounting for taste.

So, after reading a bunch of “self-help” books, I’ve FINALLY found the secret to financial success!!

I think I’m going to write a self-help book!

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A company is holding job interviews for a position of Financial Analyst

3 people apply: A blonde, a jew and a mathematician.
The blonde enters, the interviewer asks her: What is 2 + 2 ? The blonde thinks for 10 minutes, answeres 5.
The jew enters, receives the same question, answeres: What do you want it to make ?
The mathematician enters, receives the same que...

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In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.

A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner.

Things go ...

I'm so happy that my financial situation has finally improved.

I just found out the African boy I've been sponsoring has been eaten by a lion.

Wikileaks has been experiencing financial difficulties recently.

Would it help if they began running... classified ads?

Banks have been using insects to adjust customers' balances and deal with financial issues.

They're the account ants

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My wife and I we're having financial troubles, so I sent her to the streets to earn extra income.

She ended up bringing me $24.25


I asked her, "who's the cheap ass that gave ypu only a quarter?"

She replied "all of them"

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and...

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No Sex Tonight !

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just...

A monastery is in financial trouble, so it goes into the fish-and-chips business to raise money.

One night a customer knocks on its door. A monk answers. The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?”

“No,” he replies. “I’m the chip monk.”

After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide

CHECK CZECH CHEQUES

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

MBA: A course that teaches you, how the world is financially screwing you over

while financial screwing you over

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A Hotel tycoon was hit with financial issues forcing him to close all but one of his chain of hotels to help his struggling business.

It was his last resort.

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A $200 vagina?

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ...

There are two famous "Bernies"

One of them is once again asking for your financial support, while the other one just Madoff with everyone's money.

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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter...

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for...

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

No, your honor, it wasn't a bank robbery.

I'd rather call it a special financial operation.

A little old Christian lady...

...comes out onto her front porch every morning and shouts, "Praise the Lord!"

And every morning the atheist next door yells back, "There is no God!"

This goes on for weeks. "Praise the Lord!" yells the lady. "There is no God!" responds the neighbour.

As time goes by, the lady r...

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Husband and wife go through tough times…

A husband confronts his wife about their financial situation….

Husband: “We’re broke, dear. We need to somehow make money fast…you might have to do some things you’ve never thought you’d have to do…”

The wife nods in agreement. She knows what needs to be done

The next day she go...

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So I handle financial transactions for a multibillion dollar company and I am working and this complete bitch with brown hair walks into my store and you know what she says to me?

Woof woof woof woof woof.

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A couple loses their jobs and end up in such deep financial trouble that they agree the wife should turn to prostitution.

The girl is out on the street for the first time, with her husband hiding around a corner. A car stops, and they guy asks how much to have sex. The couple forgot to work out prices in advance, so she tells the guy to hold on, and runs around the corner to ask her husband. The husband says, "Tell ...

When my friend asked me why I have a “Trump 2020” sticker on my car, I tell them it’s for financial reasons.

The cops never pull me over, because they assume that I’m white.

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