Billion Jokes - 83 Hilarious Billion Jokes

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second."

How do you scare a spineless greedy billion dollar company?

Start a third party app.

What did Qatar get after spending billions of dollars to stop LGBTQ+ actions in FIFA 2022?

Half naked Argentinian Men Hugging and kissing each other in the end.

This week's Powerball is at $1.4 billion.

Or 2.5 Twitters.

Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years...

...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.

An American man wins a $1 billion sweepstakes

He goes to collect the prize and there's a whole tv crew waiting to interview him for the local news. The reporter says "this is the largest prize won in history! Any idea what you'll do with the money?" The man thinks for a second and says "Well, I'll probably see a doctor to get this sore throat l...

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

A Woman walks in the forest and meets a genie.

A woman one day takes a hike around the forest by her house, to take some time off from people.

She stumbles upon a teapot, grabs it, and (obviously) rubs it. A Genie appears:

"Hello lady, you've released me from my trap. Now I shall grant you 3 wishes, but theres a catch. Whatever I g...

No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.

I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. Delighted, the genie says, "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out, "I want a billion dollars." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact $1,000,000,003.50.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net wor...

Alright so hear me out, if the big bang was 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created nor destroyed, and all our bodies are made of matter, that mean we're all 13.8 billion years old...

so in conclusion yes officer she was old enough.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

Trump's wall will cost 21.6 billion, Nasa's budget is only 19 billion

Probably because Mexico has more aliens

I just found out Microsoft bought Skype for 8.5 billion dollars.

Idiots...they should have just downloaded it.

I'm working on my second billion.

I gave up on the first.

I don't understand why they say hundreds of people lost in Squid Game.

In the end, 45.6 billion won.

Instead of buying twitter for $43 billion

Elon Musk could add another $8 billion and clear the external debt of Sri Lanka.
He can rename it Ceylon Musk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get to own a company worth a Billion? It's actually quite easy. Just...

...spend 44 Billions to buy one, and then piss off your customers and fire half the staff. That should do it.

Catholicism has 1.2 billion followers around the globe, second only to Islam with 1.8 billion

But that's okay because the Catholic church doesn't mind coming in a little behind.

A rich businessman is dying and his friend comes for a last visit.

"Fred...", whispers the businessman, "I have to tell you something..."

"What is it, John? You can tell me everything.", says Fred.

"You know, that trade we were making with the Italians, the package we were delivering; Fred, I didn't deliver it, I kept it for myself... I kept 500 dolla...

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A billionaire hires a painter of murals to come to his mansion…

…when he gets there, he calls the painter in into a large room and shows him a plain white wall that’s 20 feet high and 50 feet across. He says to the guy, “I’ve always been fascinated by General Custer so on this wall I want you paint your interpretation of Custer’s last stand. I’m going out of tow...

To the game stop hedge fund investors: I know you spent 70 billion.

But the best I can offer you is $4 in credit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists estimate that there are about 100 billion people that have ever lived.

This implies that humans have had sex at least 100 billion times. However, this is nothing compared to the amount of times I did ur mom last night.

I just won the $1.6 billion lottery, and I decided to donate a quarter to charity.

I now have $1,599,999,999.75.

I finally got a job handling finances for a multi billion company!

So excited for my first day as a McDonald's cashier :)

Not sure why Microsoft wants to buy Discord for $10 billion

When they could just download it for free

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means,

Even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 60 balls and fucks billions of people weekly?

The lottery.

What if there were a worldwide concert where the rich had to donate their billions or be eaten on stage?

I'd call it LiveAte.

How do you get 1.2 billion followers?

Run through Africa with a water bottle

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

Q&A Time w/Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she...

Bill Gates has often claimed how hard it is to give away 100 billion dollars.

Then he discovered divorce.

An alien’s report to finding a planet with 7.5 billion dead.

“They’re all dead but their assess are spotless, sir.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two physicists are chatting in a bar

Physicist #1: You know... the Andromeda galaxy will collide with our galaxy in 4.5 billion years.

Physicist #2: What?!?! 4.5 million years?!?!?!

Physicist #1: No. BILLION years.

Physicist #2: Uffff...... shit man!! What a relief!! You scared me.

One Billion Funny Joke

According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.

I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp.

It beats telling them I'm a cashier at McDonald's.

Just a little math problem for everyone

You purchase a social media company for $45 billion. After you make a series of bad managerial decisions, your company loses a large portion of its ad revenue. What is the value of X?

I just got a job processing transactions for a global multi-billion dollar company!

I’m so thankful to McDonald’s for this opportunity.

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad...

He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and t...

What do you call a billion white supremacists?

1KKK

Walstreet is gonna lose $70 billion this Friday according to AP news. How much did it cost redditors?

tree fiddy

A man is stranded on a deserted island for years...

Once there was a guy stuck on a deserted island, feeling hopeless. Then, he found a lamp half-buried in the sand. So, he gave it a rub, and guess what? A genie popped out! The genie said, "I'll grant you three wishes, but here's the twist: your ex-wife gets double of whatever you wish for."
The...

Sometimes it's so heavy I feel like my luggage has 7 billion people in it

That's the case for everyone.

The number of sentient lifeforms in the universe is at least 7.5 billion.

The amount of intelligent life, however, is highly disputed, and some people argue that none have been found.

Ever wondered why china has over 1 billion population?

Cause the condom they use is "Made in china"

What do you get when you throw a billion lawyers in the ocean?

A Sue-Nami!

When my girlfriend’s father asked me what I do for a living, I was embarrassed to say that I work at McDonald’s, so instead, I said …

"I handle transactions for a multi-billion-dollar company and industry on a daily basis
and help provide around $2 billion to the US economy each year"

Why is one thousand million billion trillion so bad?

It's very naughty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room.

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar rans...

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.

I tried a new cologne today that made me feel like a billion bucks.

It's called Musk, by Elon

A Nigerian man died alone in his house, the police found 2 billion in cash there

He tried to gave his money away before he died but nobody answered his emails

A man dies and goes to heaven, where he is greeted by billions of clocks and Saint Peter waiting for him.

"What are all of clocks for?" The man asked St. Peter.

"My child, the clocks only move when a person lies. You see that one as only moved twice because that is Abraham Lincoln's clock, and he has only lied twice." St. Peter replies.

"Why has that clock not moved yet?" He asked.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saudi Arabia just invested $1 billion in Virgin Galactic...

...1 down, only 71 to go!

Why isn't Earth a perfect circle?

You try keeping your figure after 4.543 billion years.

Due to inflation a man had to carry a wheelbarrow filled with $1 billion dollars, all in $1 bills

All the banks fail so he has to store his money in a wheelbarrow

He carries the wheelbarrow around town looking for things to buy with his enormous amount of money

He can’t buy anything since even the simplest thing like an apple or a banana cost $2 billion dollars

One day he...

Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office

Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."

Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."

TIL 6.7 billion people are the minority

By arrogant ignorant Americans.

There's a major traffic jam all through DC

All through Washington DC all traffic comes to a full stop...after many minutes people start getting out of their cars and talking. Before too long a guy starts walking car to car collecting donations, so I flag the guy down and ask him what the heck is going on! He explains there's been a major te...

Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, has become the first person ever to have a net worth over $200 billion.

That‘s a really expensive net!

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

The chances of a bomb being on your plane is one in 300 million, but the chances of two bombs being on your plane is one in 60 billion...

which is why, when I fly, I always carry a bomb.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"
...

A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here

Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million

If a genie offered you a choice between ending world hunger or getting a billion dollars

What color would your Lamborghini be?

I read that the Large Magellanic Cloud is going to collide with the Milky Way in 2 billion years.

Maybe the government shutdown will be over by then.

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

On the 252nd day of the 31st year of your life, you turn one billion seconds old, but no one ever celebrates it.

Except for me. And that was a very lonely night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane during the pandemic...

Bush says, "I could throw this $100 mask out the window and make someone happy". Trump, with a smug look on his face replies, "I could throw ten $10 masks out the window and make 10 people happy". Hillary smirks and says, "Oh yeah, I could throw one hundred $1 masks out the window and make 100 peopl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken.' "
The Pope responds, ...

While in North Korea they abducted Trump, and demanded the US give them a billion dollars or else . . . .

they would give him back.

IF i ever see a billion dollars fall from the sky and float around in front of me i am going to grab it.

I suddenly understand fish on a whole new level.

What's the quickest way to become a millionaire in the stock market?

Invest a billion dollars.

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.

He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your investment portfolio is $950 billion."

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon ...

A billionaire has a billion dollars. A millionaire has a million dollars. What do you call a person with ten dollars?

A college student.

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Trump is elected president...

He will be the first billionaire to move into government housing after a black man.

Do you want to know how to become a millionaire?

Invest $1 billion and follow the advice of wallstreetbets

Two girls are applying for a job interview, one was super beautiful while the other with super ugly,

The boss looked at them and said " I don't care about your looks, my only criteria is if you are qualified for the job, the one who answer my question will be hired"

Then he asked the beautiful girl " what is China's population?" the girl answered " 1,400 billion"

The boss said " good...

I’m so tired of jokes about chinese people

There’s like a billion of them and they’re all the same

How do you build a muli-million dollar company?

Sell it to Elon for $44 billion.

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