UPJOKE

Pretty Girl Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guys sees a pretty girl sitting alone in a library...

He leans over and asks her "Do you mind if I sit with you?".

The girl answers loudly "Hell no I don't want to sleep with you, you fucking pervert!!!"

Everybody in the library looks at the guy and he feels humiliated.

After a few minutes, the girl walks over to him and softly say...

I used to be scared of pretty girls,

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

A pretty girl kissed me today

I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

Lady: I thought you don't give tickets to pretty girls.

Cop: We don't. Sign here.

Today a pretty girl told me I was quite a looker!

Well, voyeur was the exact word she used.

A pretty girl goes to the doctor..

A pretty girl in her early twenties went to the doctor.
"What seems to be the problem?" The doctor asked.

Flustered and shy the girl replied "I have some pain urinating and there seems to be a constant itch down there."

"Alright, please take off your pants and panties and lie down o...

Nothing beats a pretty girl with a beautiful singing voice

except for Chris Brown

3 Men die and go to Heaven.... And there are ducks everywhere

St. Peter's there like "one rule: don't step on any ducks"

The first man steps on one duck and St. Peter brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does St. Peter also...

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?

'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'

The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'

The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

What do you call a pretty girl you only take line dancing?

A Slide Piece

I was walking behind a really pretty girl...

and then she turns her head around and hurried off. I follow suit. Then she started running and shrieking. I do the same too! Omg, it's so scary that I don't know what is trying to chase us and I really dare not look behind.

A pretty girl walks into a mathematician's and engineer's lab...

... and says she will bang whichever of them shows the most athletic or intelligent talent. Since they are equally smart, they decide to go 3/5 on a few different exercises at the gym. The first exercise is chin-ups, which the engineer wins. The second is long jump, which the mathematician wins. The...

Saw a pretty girl, asked her, "whats your sign?"

She said stop.

A cannibal and his son saw a pretty girl in the forest

The son said: "Dad, can we eat her?"

The dad said: "No, son. We take her home and eat your mother"

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “what was that?”The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”The girl slapped him soundly.“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.“Customer feedback.”

A pretty girl knocks on the door and asks if he needs yard work

Johnny looks at her and is skeptical at first. He never saw a female gardener before, much less someone so attractive. He decides to give her a chance, and asks her to mow his lawn.

To his astonishment, she not only does an excellent job, but mows in an elaborate pattern that turns the lawn ...

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence...

...because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine.

What did the computer tech say to the pretty girl?

You turn my floppy disk into a hard drive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This pretty girl walked up to a Neanderthal, winked and said in a sexy voice “Hey… is it true what they say about Neanderthal guys?”

The Neanderthal screeches a high-pitched “YES!! IT IS!!!” Then smashes her brains in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I introduce myself, people get mad

I introduced myself to my teacher, and I got suspended. I introduced myself to a pretty girl, and she told me to fuck off. I introduced myself to my neighbor, and he punched me. Maybe there's somebody else named "Yorick Hunt" with a bad reputation out there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man found an attractive girl in a bus, he tried to get her number...

She was disgusted, and left the bus. After a few minutes, the bus driver came in the bus.
“I saw that. Look, she’s a very pretty girl, and I’ll tell you this: she’s very religious. She goes to church every Sunday. If you go there and dress up as God, she’ll probably agree to have sex with you....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life as a redditor

I saw a pretty girl. Finally I plucked up the courage, and asked for her number.
She said "got a pen?"
I said yes.
She said "well get back in it you fat fucking pig".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I was walking back from the pub last night and found a homeless girl hidden amongst the bins.

She was filthy and smelled awful but I knew under all the grime there was a pretty girl.

So I took her in and bathed her and as I towelled her down I became aroused. One thing led to another and next minute we were frantically fucking on the bathroom floor.

At one point I was banging ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.

The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”

Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”

The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class.”.

A shy lad was at a party and got talking to a pretty girl. After a while he builds up the courage to tells her that she is gorgeous and asks if she would like to go back to his place to look at his stamp collection...

... “Philately will get you nowhere!” the girl replies.

Sweep her off her feet!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Man you should have gotten here earlier," the bartender says. "Joe was having quite a night. We got to watch him sweep a pretty girl off her feet." "Well, that's no surprise," the guy replies. "He's always been an aggressive janitor."

A little boy is walking home from his friend's house,

When he sees something in the middle of the road. He bends over and picks up a picture of a smiling pretty girl holding up two fingers. He thinks, "Wow! What a cool picture! I'm going to show Mo-." The boy is hit by a truck and instantly dies. A man gets out of the truck in a panic and 911 already p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

Prom

Prom was approaching at Central High School, and Doug needed a date. He got the nerve up to ask a popular and pretty girl, Susan, to prom. To his surprise, she said "yes." He was so excited, he went to a tuxedo shop that day to secure his rental. There was a very long line, as many other boys were r...

A guy was meeting his friend in the bar

As he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his frie...

There was once a little boy

For his 2nd birthday he was given a little tractor with pedals. He loved it so much that it started an obsession with tractors.

By his fourth birthday, he already had 30 tractors of different sizes and colours.

As soon as he learnt how to read, he started filling his shelves in his bed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I fail all my dates!

I was out with this girl right? We spent the night in a bar talking and it was pretty cool. Then the waiter came with the bill. She saw it, she made a move to pay and she goes like ''what do I owe?''. Well I looked at ther and I go ''Pretty girls never pay!'', she looks at me and she smiles, then I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nice day

Two old men are sat on a bench at the park. A young, fit girl runs past in a sports bra and a tiny pair of shorts. One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.

"Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?" she says.

The old man sweetly replies "My dear I'm not smiling ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl walks into a department store

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four people are in a train compartment in France

There's an attractive young woman, a plain older woman, a French man and an English man.

The train goes into a tunnel and the lights flicker out. In the dark, there’s a loud *slap!* and when the lights come back on, the French man is rubbing his cheek.

The plain woman thinks, "That ...

*Girl bumps into a guy at the bar*

Girl: Oh sorry about that, hi.

Guy: Oh! I shouldn't be talking to you.

Girl: Why not?

Guy: Because when I talk to a pretty girl I always make a fool of myself

*The girl smiles, taking this as a compliment*

Girl: You're not making a fool of yourself.

*The gu...

The Potato

A man went to the beach in hopes of meeting a pretty girl, but he couldn't attract attention no matter what he did.

He noticed another man in a speedo and a cowboy hat. All the girls at the beach were flocking around him, flirting and smiling. The man walked up to the guy in the cowboy hat an...

Russian at the disco.

Russian at the disco. A pretty girl at the bar next to him. After a while, a Turk comes up to the bar and says: - "You're hitting on my girlfriend. In a moment I see you outside and we'll handle it like men. A Russian comes out in front of the disco, looks at 50 Turks with knives in their hands. Aft...

My uncle's favorite joke.

A man with a wooden eye was always nervous asking girls to dance. He was always scared they would find his wooden eye too scary and say no. But he saw a pretty girl with a harelip across the dance floor and mustered up the courage to ask her to dance. Once he asked, she was ecstatic and couldn't bel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For an old man's 98th birthday,

his 3 grandsons paid for a hooker and sent her to his home. When the old fella opened the door he asked what a pretty girl like her was doing at his home. She replied "I was sent here as a gift to you" The old man asked "What is it that you do?" Hooker says "Im well known for my super blowjobs" Gra...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.