This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

A 75 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did you convince her to marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 58?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got home the other day and my wife was sitting on the couch with two of her gorgeous friends.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had tennis rackets in theirs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man recently separated with his wife is at the local bar drowning his sorrows when a gorgeous young woman walks in.

She makes her way over to the bar.

"What'll it be, miss?" The bartender asks.
"Tequila." Says the woman.

As the bartender pours her drink she notices the guy sitting at the other end of the bar. 'Handsome' she thinks to herself as she turns to the bartender laying out t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

The Wife just rang to tell me "Three girls in the office have just received flowers from their Men, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said......... "Thats probably why they received flowers!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young man moves into an apartment block….

On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.

One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.

S...

A sixty year old millionaire ran into an old friend in a jewelry store after a gap of several years and proudly introduces him to his gorgeous twenty eight year old wife.

The friend eyes her as she tries on a necklace in the tabletop mirror and whispers, "You lucky dog, how did you net someone like her?"

The millionaire leans in closer and whispers conspiratorially, "I told her that I was eighty."

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected...

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

Two Irish priests decided to go on a vacation to Barcelona.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going To Hooters

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to New York and the other to Washington.
They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where you wanna go?" "Hooters." "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?"

"It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was offered sex last night by a gorgeous young lady.

In exchange, she wanted me to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner here on Reddit. Of course I declined, because I'm a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower.

Just as strong as Ajox, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon or vanilla scent.

A gorgeous blonde woman steps out of a taxi, banging her head quite hard against the door frame.

As she stands holding her hand to her scalp, a gentleman, who'd seen it happen, approaches and asks, "Excuse me Miss, is your head okay?!"

The blonde replies, "Well, I haven't had any recent complaints."

A gorgeous woman walked into a bar and a man started hitting on her.

The woman didn’t like it so she told him to stop but he wouldn’t stop - so she pulled out her taser on the guy.

Unconscious, the guy is pulled aside by the bartender, and the woman leaves. The man wakes up several minutes later, and the bartender asks him if he’s okay.

The man replie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

My girlfriend is a very jealous and vain woman. She often comments about how much prettier she is than my ex. Finally I told her, "Yeah! Of course you're prettier. I traded UP!"

"So imagine how gorgeous the next one's gonna be!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Naked Cowboy

A sheriff of a small town is patrolling the town one night when he comes across a cowboy walking up Main St. The cowboy is wearing nothing except his hat, boots, and gunbelt. The sheriff is a bit surprised at first but gets over his initial shock and arrests the cowboy for indecent exposure.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy and I own a bar.

My buddy and I own a bar. Last week, we were leaning against the counter, when this gorgeous woman came up to us and said, "Hey handsome boys, can I buy you a beer?"

"No, I don't think so," I replied.

"No? How about something harder. Scotch?"

"Absolutely not," my friend said....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorgeous maid met her madam and asked for a pay rise.

"why are you asking for a pay rise?" asked the madam.

"Because i iron better than you." answered the maid.

Silently fuming, the madam asked, "who said that?"

"your husband did."

Silent fuming intensifies. A bit daring, the madam asked again, "is that all you have to say?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A drop dead gorgeous woman at the club whispered seductively in my ear, "How about free drinks all night in return for sex?" Sputtering excitedly, I blubbered, "Ah-ah-ah-are y-y-y-you sh-sh-sh-sure?!" Purring, she panted, "Yes!" I shot out...

"Really, because I can drink a lot of whisky, you know!?"

I met a gorgeous girl in the bar last night and she promised to show me a good time...

So we went outside and she ran 100 metres in 9.69 seconds

So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.

So I ask her if she would sleep with me for $1 Million Dollars. And she says "Hell yes!".
So I ask her "How about $500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for $50?"
She says "What the hell do you think I am?"
I said "I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a phone call from a gorgeous ex

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in m...

I visited an art gallery.

"Absolutely gorgeous, don't you think?" I asked the fellow next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey...the way the colours intertwine. Truly beautiful."



He slowly stepped away from the urinal and left.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man walks into a singles bar...

A man walks into a single bar looking for some action. He orders a drink and sees a gorgeous woman sitting at the bar , extremely well dressed sexy but classy.

He goes up to and says "hi.." and before he can try his chat up lines she looks him up and down and says "I don't care what your name...

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

How to stay in class

A college student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day. Our calculus instructor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus," the student says. "If she wasn't so drop-dead gorgeous I would have dropped the class already." "So I guess you could says she's easy on the ...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This Is A Horrible Lie. I Am Embarrassed And Do Not Intend To Accept This. Now, I Want The Party Who Said This To Stand And Ask Forgiveness From God ."
No One Moved.

The Preacher Continued, “Do You Have The Nerve To Face Me And Admit This Is A Falsehood? Remember, You Will Be Forgiven And ...

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

An Archery joke

When I was a security guard I had to make sure people didn't dig in the trash cans. You know, to keep them from falling in or getting their hands stuck in the lid. Well one day this old gentleman was looking through a can, where he had his arm in the trash can all the
way to the shoulder.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Unhappy Ending

A man is drunk and horny at a bar when he sees a beautiful woman walk in. He takes a shot of whiskey and stumbles up to the woman.

He tells her, "You face is gorgeous, your body is so sexy, and your breasts are perfect. Now tell me what I will find when I get you naked and go down between yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pissed Off

A small, balding man storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight."

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit worse for the wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out the new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous blonde babe

I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I am a professional - Just tell me what is wrong and I will check it out"

I said, "My wife thinks my dick tastes funny".

Ugly Ones

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous.

God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throu...

Stranded on Deserted Island for 10 years

One day a man who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette on a cliff.

The cliff is magical, only granting a specific type of wish under certain conditions. You must jump off the cliff, and you are able to become anything you wish, but you must say it while falling.

The brunette jumps off the cliff and yells, “bird!” She becomes a beautiful dove, and flies awa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't step on the ducks!

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mistress

>A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint. This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at him: "Who the hell was that ?
"Oh", replies the husba...

I went on a blind date with a real gorgeous girl.

I told her to text me when she arrived home.

That was three days ago, I guess she must be homeless.

A gorgeous shapely girl was lying on the hospital bed..

A gorgeous shapely girl was lying naked in a hospital bed with just a sheet half-covering her. Suddenly a young man came in, pulled back the sheet and examined her closely. “What’s the verdict?” she asked.

He replied, “You’ll have to ask the doctor, love. ..I’m just here to clean the room...”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

Three women die and go to heaven

There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: "This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished."

The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentall...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a man have to do to be with a gorgeous woman like you?

A gentleman ask to a woman while both were grabbing some coffee. She reply: well a man have to have 1 million dollars, a super car and a 12 inches penis. The gentleman reply: to meet your expectations I could donate 49 millions to charity, gift 7 of my cars to my friends, but not even for a gorgeous...

Blushing

My gorgeous next door neighbor is a beginner gardener. I asked her how it was going so far.
She said,'I cant get my tomatoes to turn red like yours. Any advice?'
I said,"Every morning expose yourself to the tomatoes and you'll see they'll start blushing red.'
After a week of watching her e...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw this gorgeous Thai lady with spectacular boobs get on the train and sit opposite me. I thought to myself 'Don't get an erection!'

But she did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Farmers Daughter

Three college guys were driving in a car when it broke down way out in the boondocks. Two of them were normal enough but the third was kind of simple, and they looked out for him.

When their car broke down, they walked to the nearest farm house. It was freezing rain, so they asked if they cou...

I saw a gorgeous woman walk into a cosmetic surgeons office. I followed her in to ask her out, but I decided not to bother.

Catching her picking her nose just put me right off.

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little highe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at a dinner party last night and was seated next to a girl in a wheelchair..

She wasn't the most gorgeous, but the more the wine flowed, the more attractive I found her.
"So tell me" I whispered flirtily in her ear, "have you ever been fingered under a table?"

"No." she replied. "But I once got fucked under a bus."

A Chinese delivery guy has a regular customer that he thinks is gorgeous.

He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their cloth...

From my niece

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man with a big orange head. He asks the bartender about it and he gives him a drink to bring to the guy and says to ask the guy, which he does.

The guy thanks him and says: I bet you're wondering about my big orange head. Well one day I was having a terrible ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.

She said "The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"

Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.

What do i do when i see someone gorgeous?

I stare,
I adore,
I smile,





Then i put the mirror down.

She called me "Fevereiro"

I started dating this gorgeous Brazilian girl.

One night, right after having slept with her for the first time, she started to call me *Fevereiro*.

I felt that nickname had a really cool latin vibe, so I went along with it.



After a few weeks, I asked her, "By the way, h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up this morning at 9:30, made coffee, stepped out for the day's first cigarette, and was greeted by a gorgeous spring day. The sun was shining the birds were singing...

Then I ripped ass like a bologna windmill slapping a tile floor.

I wrote this joke about a joke shop

A man sees a Joke Shop. He goes in.

There are three lines.

He joins one and slowly moves up the queue.

He sees all three lines head towards a big sign that says: "The End of the Joke"

He sees the guy at the end of the first line get given a tonne of cash and he runs out l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

80 year old guy goes into a jewellers with a gorgeous 25 year blonde.

He tells the jeweller he just met this fine young lady and wants to treat her to something special. The jeweller pulls out a $5000 dollar ring and asks if that will do? The old guy says damn no this lady is way more special than that. So the jeweller pulls out a $20,000 rings and asks if that is spe...

Husband: "Honey! You look different tonight! Gorgeous! Just stunning!"

Wife: "I'm over here."

A gorgeous blonde is trying to board a city bus...

but her dress is so tight, it won't allow her to lift her leg high enough to reach the first step. She reaches back and unzips the dress a few inches to allow more flexibility. She tries again, but it still isn't enough. She unzips a little more, starting to worry that she'll give the people behind ...

I was sitting at the stoplight when a drop dead gorgeous woman pulled up next to me and rolled her window down. I rolled my window down and smiled at her . . .

She said, “What? Did you fart too?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

After a thorough physical examination:

Doctor: "We can't find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your penis orange. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything like this, perhaps it's a psychological issue. Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?"

Ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man on a train is sitting across a gorgeous young lady, with tight short skirt on (NSFW)

She uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully apologizes, and promises that it will not happen again.
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The man w...

Necrophiliacs are only interested in women that are drop dead gorgeous.

That’s all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorgeous woman with a sensual ass was in bed with her lover..

..when she heard her husband open the main door.

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the hus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorgeous blonde woman

Is on a plane to Paris. She takes her seat in the economy class, but notices an empty seat in first class. After the plane has taken off she moves to first class. The stewardess notices and asks her to return to her seat.
The woman says "No, I'm a beautiful woman on my way to Paris and I will sit...

Gorgeous women have trouble successfully shoplifting

Because everyone in the store is trying to check them out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An usual conversation on Tinder.

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your titties?


W: Sure, send me 20$


Sending money.


M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?


W: No problems, send another 50$


After a while.

<...

A shy lad was at a party and got talking to a pretty girl. After a while he builds up the courage to tells her that she is gorgeous and asks if she would like to go back to his place to look at his stamp collection...

... “Philately will get you nowhere!” the girl replies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets matched with a couple and a gorgeous blonde for a round of golf...

During the round he flirts with the blonde a bit. On the 16th, he says, "How about after the round, I buy you a drink at the club house?"

"I have a better idea," she replies, "I have a place on the lake not far from here. Why don't we head there for some fun. "

Not believing his l...

An elderly couple are having dinner at a restaurant ....

An elderly couple are having dinner at their favorite 4 star restaurant when a gorgeous blonde walks up says "Hey babY!" , plants a kiss on the mans cheek and walks away .

His wife looks over at him and says "Who was that ?"

The man calmly replies" oh her ? That's my mistress"
...

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.

You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"


That's Direct Marketing.


You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.


One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,


"He's very rich. Marry him."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Grammar of F***

Transitive Verb: "I want you to fuck me until I can't walk."

Intransitive Verb: "We fucked until my dick fell off."

Phrasal Verb: "I'm going to royally fuck you up."

Noun: "That guy is such a dumb fuck."

Pronoun: "Look who fuck-face over there brought to the party."
...

Gotta love the graphic designer for the PA license plate

...cuz the colors I associate the state with are blue, white, and yellow like the gorgeous beaches it has.

A desert island with six women

A bloke found himself stranded on a desert island with six women. To keep it fair, it was decided he would service a different woman every night and have Mondays free. After a few months the man was exhausted, realising how tiring it was to perform constantly every night except one. Then one day, to...

Another talking frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to play golf. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to swing when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A farmer sells his peaches door to door

A peach farmer decides to sell his peaches door to door. He knocks on an apartment door and this gorgeous lady wearing a teddy opens the door.
The farmer stutters in surprise and asks if she would like some peaches. He shows her one and “says they are firm, subtle and very nice to the touch.”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw this gorgeous gal at the bar the other night.

After a while, I mustered up the courage to go talk to her. She humoured me for a while, until I bluntly asked "How would you like to have the best sex of your life tonight?"

Looking repulsed, she said to me, "No, I absolutely do NOT want that!"

I said, "That's great! I'm your man!"

I noticed a gorgeous woman in a green dress.

But she wasn't interested. My green dress probably put her off.

I told my friends that I'm going for a date with a gorgeous girl, and they teased me that she's imaginary.

Joke's on them, they are too.

This guy I met on the bus was bragging about his wife.

He proudly says "See this picture of my wife, she is gorgeous".

So I tell him "Well, you should see my wife"

He replies "Why, is your wife pretty too"?

To which I reply "No, she's an optometrist"

I was on an airplane yesterday when the gorgeous flight attendant asked me, "Would you like some headphones?"

I replied, "Yes please and how did you know my name is phones!?"

This gorgeous blonde donated a bedside table to me.

She really didn’t want money, she said it’s just one nightstand.

Why the fisherman gave up on the gorgeous girl

Two fishermen are fishing out at sea.

One day, a fisherman caught a mermaid.

Above her tail was the most gorgeous girl they had ever seen.

However, after throughly thinking things through, the fisherman decided to let her go.

His companion sent him a confused look and ask...

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several gorgeous nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them.

“Oh, nothing,” she says with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Rare Dish

This is a long one.

An English cook is trying to build up his skills as a chef. He's been working for years learning all sorts of rare and unique dishes to serve at his mentor's restaurant.

One day a wealthy guest at the restaurant asks to meet the cook and says "While I enjoyed the me...

A gorgeous woman doing stand-up at a comedy club

....and she's not doing so well. It's not that her delivery or stage presence is bad. It's simply because she's using extremely tired and outdated material. To put it frankly, the audience was sick and tired of hearing the same damn jokes that had been told time after time on that stage.

Afte...

A State Government Employee sits in his office, and out of boredom decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice-cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him ...

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary

... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanders about a casino and sees a gorgeous woman who is clearly bored

"Hello, I see you're sad, what happened?", he asks.

"Well, I'm not sad really, just a little bored", she answers, "you see, I'm a little kinky and most men around my social status don't really seem to like it".

"Oh really? Well I enjoy being kinky too, so it seems that we have the same...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming.

she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment ...

Canadian guy, American guy, ugly woman and gorgeous woman on a train.

A Canadian guy, American guy, a ugly woman and gorgeous woman are sitting in opposing seats on a train. After some initial introductions of where they're from and where they're going, they settle in to do their own thing and basically ignore each other.

Some time later, the train enters a tu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.

"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?"
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my bucks night, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that ma...

Three men die and go to heaven

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says to them, "Congratulations; you made it into heaven! God has one rule, however, which is: **YOU CANNOT STEP ON, KILL, OR TOUCH A DUCK.** If you do, you will be punished.**"**

The men think this is rather strange, but they agree.

A cou...

Trying to talk to a gorgeous girl

ME: \*tries to talk to a girl on train\*

GIRL: \*points to her headphones\*

ME: oh yeah, those are nice! so what's your name?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.

When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, “Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative sentence can have me for tonight.” So the Chinese guy says “I love liver and cheese.” She says “That’s not good enough” The Japanese man says “I hate liver and cheese” She says “That’s not ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A limbless man is on the beach

A man with no arms or legs was laying on a glorious beach in the blazing sun. A gorgeous redhead approached him and said
"Have you ever been kissed?"
The man replied "No".
The redhead knelt down and kissed him passionately.
Shortly after a gorgeous brunette approached him and said ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birthday Gift for old man

So this old man is sitting in his condo in Boca and his doorbell rings and he goes to the door to see a gorgeous young woman and she says, “your friends all chipped in and sent me as a gift for you for an evening of super sex!”

So he thinks for a second and asks, “So what’s the soup?”

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorgeous woman knocks on the door of an eighty year old man.

He opens the door and says “may I help you?” She responds, “I’m here to offer you super sex!” He says “I’ll take the soup.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets into a terrible car accident.

Late in the night he finally regains consciousness. He finds himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering him. She gives him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he hears her slowly say "I’m sorry but you ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorgeous student walks into her professor's office...

She says "Professor I'm really struggling in your class."

He say's "Ok it's good you're here then, what can I help you with?"

"Well I don't quite understand the material but honestly, I would do anything to pass."

"Anything?" He asks.

She leans in close and softly says ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a gorgeous girl in the park, immediately sparks flew, she felt weak on her knees and we had the best sex ever!!

Damn I love these new tasers !!!

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .

Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.