Beautiful Jokes - 97 Hilarious Beautiful Jokes

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...

An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

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A man meets a beautiful, really girl.

He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:

\- Listen, if it's you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.

The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, s...

My woman asked me “which one do you like best, my beautiful face or my gorgeous body?

To which I replied: “your self-confidence”

I met a beautiful, strong willed woman.

When I introduced myself as Frank she said "I wouldn't have pegged you as a Frank."

So I asked "What if my name was Joe?"

Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

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Beautiful redhead

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket tow...

A beautiful woman walks into a bar. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "I'll have a double entendre," she said...

So he gave it to her.

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

At a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket was waiting for the bus..

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, thin...

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful "

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful . The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful " tattooed on her .

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice.

And that’s Chris Brown

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Natural...

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry..

As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man ne...

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess...

"Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "NO!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles, and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and fucked women half his age, and drank beer, and scotch and had tons of money in the bank, and scratched his balls...

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Met a beautiful girl down at the park today..

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having right there and then.

God, I love my new Taser...

The wedding was so beautiful

even the cake was in tiers

Not everybody thinks Cleopatra is beautiful

But that's how Julius Caesar.

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

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After a hour of labor, a woman gives birth to a beautiful baby boy..

Moments after taking his first breath in the real world, the baby looks at the doctor holding him and asks, "Are you my father?" The doctor responds, "No sweet child, I am not your father."

The doctor hands the baby to his mother. As she gazes into his eyes lovingly, the baby asks, "Are you m...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding

He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention...

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The only "b" word a girl should be called is beautiful

love being called beautiful

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget...

Because elephants never forget.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

...

I told my friends that I had a date with a beautiful woman.

They laughed and said that she’s imaginary.
Jokes on them. They’re imaginary too. I don’t have any friends.

A very beautiful women was depressed and wanted to kill herself

She goes to the overpass of a local highway to jump down 100 feet into a ravine. Before she could climb up the barrier, a disgusting and repulsive homeless man comes up and asks, "Hey what are you doing?!" The beautiful woman replied, "I am going to kill myself. This life isn't worth living anymore....

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your ?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art....

Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very...

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Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to you,though

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat announced:

"Gentlemen !

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-

Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece

and

Frustration of ...

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

I just watched a beautiful naked woman do stand-up comedy.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

Man, nothing beats a beautiful woman with a great singing voice.

… Except Chris Brown.

Words can't describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can.

2/10

A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?"

I Happily I replied," Yes...."

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of most expensive wine on the menu

She sends me a note, "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So i wrote back," Return me the wine; As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone."

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Three Beautiful Potatoes

Mr and Mrs Potato Head have three beautiful daughters. One night, they're gathered around the dinner table when the eldest daughter speaks up.

"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you... I'm getting married!"

Mrs Potato Head looks at her "This is such a surprise! Who is he?"

The ...

A Man Met a Beautiful Girl in a Bar

and wooed her until he brought her back home for some love making. After an hour the guy asked her "Are you finish?", to which the girl shook her head. He then continues to make love to her for another hour. "Are you finish?" The girl shook her head again. He then goes on again for another 15 minute...

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There's a beautiful blonde woman on the beach, no arms no legs...

A man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, could you please hug me? I've never been hugged before." The man, feeling bad for her, picks the lady up, hugs her, and puts her back down and goes on with his day.

Later that day, a second man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, I've ne...

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Three beautiful young girls are walking along the beach when they come across a man sunbathing.

He has no arms or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him a big hug.

The second girl asks him if he has ever been kissed. Again he shakes his head so she bends down and gives him a long lingering k...

A beautiful young woman asked the priest for a favor

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course you may. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it...

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.

.
Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke.
She said sure, so he went to the restroom.
The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the ...

A man approached a very beautiful woman

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

A beautiful blonde goes out with a bodybuilder.

Things go well and by their 4th date, she wants to take it to the 'next level'.

They reach her apartment and, after a nice dinner, begin to kiss and take their clothes off. The blonde says,

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He ta...

A lad knocked on the door of a beautiful large house.

He asked if there were any jobs that needed doing. The man said he would give him £50 to paint the porch. The lad agreed and took the paintbrush and tin of white gloss paint away. The man’s wife said “£50 – that’s far too little. Did he not see the porch goes half way round the house? It will take t...

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

Wife of a r/jokes user gave birth to beautiful twins.

He held the first baby and his eyes watered up, his heart filled with joy witnessing this miracle. He was speechless.

Then the nurse handed him the second baby, he gave the baby one hard look and handing the baby back to the nurse he uttered a single word "Repost"

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*\*
...

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An old fellow walking down the road and sees a frog sitting in the grass. The frog says...

"Hey there if you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful woman for ya."
The old man picks up the frog and puts it in his shirt pocket and keeps on down the road. About a mile down the road the frog looks up at him and says "Aren't you going to kiss me?"
The old man says "No I don't thi...

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? Wh...

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I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.

I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?"

"Sure, but how can that help?"

"Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of nowhere."

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

Two good old boys are out fishing, when a cruise boat with beautiful women appears.

Seeing the beautiful women, all in bikinis, one of them asks, “what should we do?” The others thinks upon it for a bit until he has an idea.

“Hey,” he says, “show them gals your nuts”

“Really?” asks his freind.

“Really” his freind responds.

At which point the buddy g...

What profession has the most beautiful eyes?

Beekeepers, because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder

Some people think guns are beautiful.

I think tasers are stunning.

One day a man sees a beautiful woman.

He walks up to her and says, "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen! I've fallen madly in love with you, and I must marry you! If you tell me 'No' I will die!!"

She tells him 'No' and, sure enough, about 60 years later he died.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...

...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

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so, the apostles hired the most beautiful in all the village…

Jesus had just come home after spending a long day out in the village miraculously healing the diseased and injured. the apostles decided that since he had been working so hard to help the village people, they would show their appreciate my hiring Jesus an . they went to the village and hired ...

What’s more beautiful than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ.

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On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

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The monks were in the monastery copying those beautiful illuminated manuscripts.

One young monk suggested that, since they’d been copying copies, it might be time to go back to the original and make sure that their copies were correct. The abbot agreed and sent the monk down into the cellar to examine the original. The monk was gone for a long time, and finally the abbot went to...

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What do you call a beautiful woman having with a comedian?

Pretty funny.

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So, I was sitting on a train across from a beautiful Thai girl.

And all I could think was "Don't get a . Don't get a ." And then she did.

A bus full of ugly people crashes...

A bus full of ugly people crashes. Everyone dies and goes to heaven, forming a line at the pearly gates. St. Peter is there and says, "Before you get into heaven, you get one wish." The first person in line says, "I wish I was beautiful!" , they're beautiful, they get into heaven. The second guy...

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Went to the aquarium today. It was beautiful but only had one fish.

Pretty crappie place. Note a sole there.

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blo...

A beautiful blonde woman ends up sitting next to a professor on a plane.

He's amused by her ditzy attitude, and the two start playing a trivia game. The blonde agrees to pay a dollar for every question she gets wrong, and the professor, feeling pompous, offers to pay a hundred dollars for his incorrect answers.

After missing the first question, the blonde asks so...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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There's some beautiful flowers growing on my mother-in-law's grave.

Hardly surprising though, I've been going up twice a week to on it.

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

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A blonde boards a plane, flying economy...

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, an...

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The once was a king with the most beautiful princess in the land…

To find her a prince the king set 3 challenge to find the best man in the land.

The first challenge was to fight his 2 strongest warriors to the death.

The second challenge was to pull a tooth from a gorilla with a toothache.

While the last challenge was to give a woman an orgas...

One evening a rich widower showed up at the club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-yr-old blond.

She hung on to his every word, all night long.

His friends were stunned, and as soon as she couldn’t hear, they asked him how he’d managed to get a trophy girlfriend.

“Girlfriend? She’s my wife.”

“How the hell did you persuade that knockout to marry you?” one guy asked incredulo...

Bought my wife a beautiful big diamond ring.

She asked, "Why didn't you buy me a new car ?"

I told her, "They don't make fake cars."

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This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.

So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your ?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my !!!" and the guy says " oh, well I g...

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"I want you to have this,"

said the husband to his wife, handing her a gold bracelet with an engraved medallion. "It belonged to my mother."

"Oh honey, thank you!" she said, smiling and putting on the bracelet. "It's a beautiful bracelet and a beautiful gesture."

As she moved her arm around admiring it from ...

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."

Nevertheless, ...

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A beautiful blonde boards a plane to Vancouver...

As soon as the plane takes off, she leaves her seat in the economy section, heads to first-class, and sits in an empty seat.

A flight attendant notices, and approaches the woman. "Excuse me, ma'am, may I please see your ticket?"

The woman hands her ticket to the attendant. The attend...

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

A Woman walks in the forest and meets a genie.

A woman one day takes a hike around the forest by her house, to take some time off from people.

She stumbles upon a teapot, grabs it, and (obviously) rubs it. A Genie appears:

"Hello lady, you've released me from my trap. Now I shall grant you 3 wishes, but theres a catch. Whatever I g...

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A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table...

She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm ."

She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!" She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.

Finally, one o...

A beautiful girl walks up to you in a rain storm...

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

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