UPJOKE
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Do you want to know the real reason why Santa is so jolly?

Its because he knows who all the naughty chicks are.

Why is Santa so jolly?

Because he knows were all the naughty girls are

A bearded jolly-looking fat white man in a red suit and with bandaged stumps where his hands used to be walks into a bar and orders a beer with a straw.

"Who are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "Well I just lost both my hands in a freak sleigh accident last night," the man replies. "So I guess just call me Canta Plaus."

Why are volcanoes so jolly?

Whenever they hear a joke, they erupt with laughter

One of the lines in the song ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ is, “I don’t know if there’ll be snow, but have a cup of cheer”.

I’m concerned that Tide Pod eaters will misunderstand.

Is it any wonder that Santa is so jolly?

**He knows where all the naughty girls live...**

Note: Not even remotely OC, I heard this years ago, but I've been surprised that everyone I've shared it with this week had never heard it, so I figured what the heck, I'll post it. So Merry Christmas everyone! Or Happy Holidays. Or Whatever Yo...

Why should you never eat Jolly Green Giant vegetables?

Because he always stands over the corn and peas.

Ho ho ho....

Do you know why is Santa Clause is jolly all the time?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls are.

Which is a good thing because he only comes once a year.


*Heard this from an old white guy in the sauna today lol.*

Why is Santa so jolly this time if year?

He's got the naughty list and always chooses the three best hos!

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Why doesn't the Jolly Green Giant patronize prostitutes?

He has no room in his life for a fourth ho.

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.

What’s the difference between North Korea and the North Pole?

One of them is forever ruled by a jolly fat man who directs an entire race of short people to produce packages he can drop from the sky all over the world, and the other is the North Pole.

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Jim and his Jolly Cattle Ranchers.

Jim had been a rancher for most of his adult life, it's only thing he was ever good at.


On Sunday evenings, Jim would head on down to the local bar to meet up with other cattle ranchers in the area and shoot the breeze. On such an evening, Jim was in the middle of an animated discussion ...

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Do you want a Jolly Rancher?

Go fuck a farmer

What do evil spirits say on Friday the 13th?

"Voorhees a jolly good fellow!"

What Do You Call A Happy Cowboy?

##

A jolly rancher

An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary.

It was a beautiful thing to see.

Amid the jolly celebrations, the old man leaned closer to his wife and softly whispered, "Dear, we have been married for 50 years now, and I want to assure you that these past 50 years were the happiest time of my life. But there's one thing that has always be...

I got a recommendation from Pops on a TV series to watch

After watching it I can say it indeed was a jolly good show

Three blondes die and go to Heaven

Upon being greeted at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says, "I have one question, and if you get it right, I will let you into Heaven. Answer wrong, and you will not be allowed in."


He asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"


She answers, "That's the time of the year when our ...

The tooth fairy, unfairly caught up in a dentures scam, was standing in line behind Voldermort in the magic prison commissary,

Suddenly, Voldermort screams at an old man alone in a corner, "You wouldn't be here if you appreciated stealth, Mr ho-ho-ho from the rooftops."

The tooth fairy realizes the outcast is Santa Claus, and separates himself from the undesirables to approach him, asking, "Kind Sir, what did you do ...

Santa spots a girl atop a tree...

He notices her ragged clothes and lack of undergarments.

Pitying the girl and in Christmas spirit, he asks her to come back down and gives her a crisp €5 bill. He implores her to splurge on a fresh set of underwear and have a great Christmas.

The girl, greatly delighted, heads back hom...

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A Man Walks into a Bar

He walks up to the bar and stands there. "One shot of whiskey, my good man!"

"You're in a jolly mood today. What's the occasion?" Asks the bartender.

"Well, I just tried anal for the first time with my wife!" The patron exclaims.

"Hell, the first one is on me then, have a seat!"...

If you have one big green ball in one hand and one big green ball in another, what do you have?

The undivided attention of the Jolly Green Giant.

In honor of Intl Talk Like A Pirate Day: a pirate joke megathread

To start:


Q: How did the pirate get his Jolly Roger flag on the cheap?

A: He bought it on sail.

What do you call a farm hand who can't stop laughing?

A jolly rancher.

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

During WWI, an English fighter pilot is shot down over Germany

...the accident is terrible, and he wakes up as a prisoner in the hospital, badly injured. The German Dr. arrives: " Ve haf bad news - ve haf to amputate your arm".
The English pilot responds: "Oh no, that's bloody unfortunate. Can you do me a favor, - have one of your pilots drop it off over...

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Please don't go waltzing COVID-19

Once a jolly swagman traveled to the China land,

And he came back symptom free,

And he sang as he shopped and he huddled til' his virus roiled,

"I'll go a'waltzing COVID-19"

Waltzing COVID, waltzing COVID

He went a'waltzing COVID-19

And he sang as he shopped...

A man is visited by the three ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

Man: Whaaaaaaat are you three doing here?!?! I've enjoyed Christmas all my life, I've donated to Orphanages and Children's Hospitals every year, I open my mansion every Christmas to my friends, family, and their kids of course, to come together for one jolly ole' party, and hell I just took in this ...

What do you call a happy cowboy?

A jolly rancher.

Girlfriends mom told us this "joke". Dad jokes are out, mom's are in.

Santa was 5 cents short.

Jolly old saint; nickel-less.

A man was baking Christmas cookies for his neighborhood, when he saw two women in a fight with hoses.

His original intent was to give one cookie to everyone, but these women, in their red coats, just couldn’t seem to decide between something.
He called the police thinking it had grown too serious. The police came, and the women were identified as the Raign family cousins and arrested.
Then h...

Einstein dies and goes to heaven

He is informed upon arrival that his room is not yet ready.

"I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it is the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others," the doorman, Clyde, tells him. Einstein says that is perfectly fine and there isn't a...

Four friends decide to create a new tradition

They all have their birthdays the same week, so when they turn 50, they decide they would go every ten years to celebrate at a fancy restaurant.

The first time, when they turn 50, they have a discussion about where to go.

Friend 1: Let's go to the *Thai Orchid*, I heard they have reall...

A Brit visits America

A Brit visits America and as part of his tour, he is shown the vast corn fields of Iowa stretching away to the horizon and beyond.

"My word," he says, "What on earth do you *do* with it all?"

The farmer grins and replies, "We eat what we can and what we can't, we can."

The Brit ...

My dad's lame holiday joke

During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, "Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?"

"Well, there is Chet, the parrot," the...

Another "guy goes to a monastery" joke - an oldie but a goodie

This is an old one, so apologies if its been here before (I haven't seen it yet, but I don't check /r/jokes every day). I'm a bit bored at the moment, so I've embellished it a bit! enjoy :)

So, this guy is hiking in the Himalayas, as you do, and, as he's hiking up the narrow, rock-strewn path...

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Al the Irish jokes I've heard - Irish this sub a happy St. Patrick's Day!:

* What do you get when you cross a 4 leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
* What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
* Why shouldn't you iron a 4-leaf clover? You'd be pressing your luck.
* What instrument did the diva musician play on St. Patrick's day? Brag-pipes....

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

Took a Cab Home

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.

As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I...

Christmas Jokes!

Saw these Christmas one-liners. If everyone is drunk at Christmas, these might be funny!

Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: a wrapper!

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Q: Why is Santa so jolly...

Here's a Russian Joke I liked... that doesn't have any swears

The Year is 1973... and the big one hits, Nuclear War. So the two most powerful nations on Earth hellbent on each other's destruction fire their nukes at each other and each other's allies...



Anyway, during their flight a Soviet missile and an American missile cross each others pa...

An Italian mom visits her son and his roomate in his apartment..

... During supper, his roommate gets up and go to the bathroom and during this time her mother asks: "So, are you in a relationship with her?"

"Ugh!" replies the son, "Mamma, I told you she is just a friend.."

"Mmh Mmh.." says the mom.

The supper ends and all is jolly. A few day...

A co-worker invited me to her home for my 10th company anniversary.

She asked me to wait and went into her bedroom. When she called me in, the entire department was there and sang "He's a jolly good fellow." Boy, I'd have been totally off my socks if that wasn't the only thing I still had on.

An Irishman wants to rob a London bank...

An Irishman wants to rob a major London bank, but he is worried that his thick Irish accent will give him away. He decides to go to a language class to learn how to speak Proper English like a real Englishman.

After months of practise, he strolls into the bank with a sawn-off shotgun, and in ...

An Irishman marooned on a desert island frees a genie

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and Irishman (Paddy, of course) survived a plane crash, and were washed ashore on a desert island.

They were there for years, and became quite emaciated, with the lack of food.

One day a bottle washes up on the shore. They all look at it, and Paddy rubs it to...

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What type of candy do you buy for...

What type of candy do you buy for a comedian?

...Snickers

What type of candy do you buy for a happy horse owner?

...Jolly Rancher

What type of candy do you buy for a rap star?

...M&Ms

What type of candy do you buy for a divorced wife with no prenup?
<...

Barbie and G.I. Joe. [NSFW]

A little girl sits on Santa's lap. In a jolly manner, Santa asks "What would you like for Christmas?"

The girl replies without hesitation:"I would like a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa sits for a moment, thinking about the request. Caught off guard, he says "But little girl, Barbie come...

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