Everyone loves my "moderately large business agreement" costume at this fancy dress party.

I'm kind of a big deal.

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Moderately funny

I’m a pilot and a southern moderate. To those of you who lean right or left, I say “Fuck yaw”.

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

What’s the difference between an American school bus and a D-Day Landing Craft? (moderately sensitive)

They wait for you to leave the school bus before opening fire.

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What did Donald Trump say to the moderately attractive Russian prostitute?

"You're an eight."

(say it fast)

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2 Bicyclists are riding down a bike path

The bike path goes by a lake, and through some trees. It's a moderately traveled path, but gets its fair share of riders. The bicyclists in question were riding down it on an otherwise pleasant day, when suddenly they reach a rough patch in the path. It looks contorted and discolored from the rest o...

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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Japanese man were hired at a construction site.

The foreman shows them their task, which is to move a large pile of sand. He assigns each of the men their respective roles.

He points to the large, muscular Scotsman and says "You're in charge of shoveling".

He points to the moderately sized Italian and says "You're in charge of sweep...

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

Why a man doesn't drink milk

A man was out in his garden one day, an activity he enjoys daily. He likes growing different plants like flowers and vegetables, and he's gotten very good at it. He recently learned that ants can aerate and help water travel through the soil, so he had recently placed a few colonies of ants througho...

A scientists gets stationed in Antarctica...

The scientist was stationed at a moderately sized outpost, but unfortunately for him, he did not know anyone there.

Later that evening, he decided to hit up the only bar in the area, hoping to meet some of the fellow scientists and crew stationed there.

While he is sitting at the bar, ...

President Obama is doing his morning exercises...

...and jogging around the White House grounds when one of the Secret Service agents suggests he should see how fast he can circle the White House ten times. After all, it is a presidential tradition to try it at least once, and being moderately athletic, he figured he'd make pretty good time. So he ...

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Two women meet over a coffee.

"Ah, Marie, I haven't seen you in years, what's going on in your life?"

"I have met a charming and well-off young man half my age."

"Majestic."

"Indeed. He took me to Paris, we dined in the finest restaurant, bought paintings from the vernissage!"

"Majestic!"

"Once...

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[NEW TO r/jokes.DON'T KNOW IF A REPOST] A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son.

The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad sta...

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The Three Chinese Tortures

A man is stranded in the desert; he is tired, hungry, thirsty, and on the verge of death. As he walks along, he sees a house! He can't believe his eyes! He runs up to the house, and wildly knocks on the door. A small Chinese man opens up the door.

"Please help me! I'm tired, hungry, thirsty, ...

You and your two friends die in car crash...

At the gates of heaven. St. Peter explains that everyone will get a partner in heaven to fit your desires but the quality is depending on how good you behaved on earth.

The first friend steps up to the gate:
"-You have sinned moderately so you will get a moderate looking partner."
<...

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Anything can happen at a ska show

A few weeks ago, my band was opening for a slightly more famous band at a moderately large local venue. This was one of the biggest gigs we'd had yet, and so I was seriously stressing about it beforehand, even though our sax player kept telling me not to. "Relax, you've been playing keyboards all yo...

A farmer with an aptitude for music decided to host a music history lesson for the animals.

He gathered them all in the barn and declared, "Soon enough, I'll have proven that even animals can find appreciation in such a fine art!"

He played a flowing, melodic bar slowly on the keyboard and looked expectantly toward the animals. "This piece is moderately well known. Can anyone tell m...

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Crappy biology bar joke

A few cells enter a bar. They sit in a corner and talk amongst themselves, drink moderately and don't pick up a fight with anyone. They leave the bar quietly.




Because they were cultured cells..

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