This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach

He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man ...

Why shouldn't the corn dog & the pig in a blanket have kids together?

They're both inbred.

What does the blanket say when it falls off the bed?

Oh sheeeeeet!

Giving the homeless blankets

Is just covering up the problem

Why was the child's blanket arrested?

For being an accessory to a kid napping.

You know they have a two for one sale at the bed and blanket store down the road, right?

Oh Duvet?!

Mommy, daddy and little lion are having a picnic. As soon as they've taken seat on their blanket, little lion wants to start eating. "Hold on," says daddy lion.

"We first need to prey."

Electric blankets are so nice

I doubt I can go back to plain old acoustic blankets.

Give a native American a blanket and keep him warm for the winter.

Give him a Smallpox blanket and keep him warm the rest of his life.

13 days ago I started collecting all the blankets and pillows in my house...

Tomorrow will be a fortnight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Frank was happy in the old folks home with Charlotte always holding his member under the blanket on his wheelchair as they watched TV.

Then one day, Charlotte noticed that Frank wasn't around. When this happened, Charlotte went looking for Frank, fearing the worst had happened to him. After a bit of searching, Charlotte came across Frank, in his wheelchair, watching TV with another woman. Charlotte noticed the blanket vibrating vig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Hitler's favorite blanket?

Mein Kampfurter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book...

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again tur...

I own a company selling land mines that look like prayer blankets

Prophets are going through the roof!

Escaping the Fire

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen y...

What did the soldier say to his blanket?

"Cover me!"


Forgive me pls

When I was a kid I pretended I was doing surgery on a stuffed animal inside a blanket fort

I guess you could say they were undercover operations

I shouldn’t make blanket statements about autistic people but…

a lot of them do enjoy being wrapped in blankets.

Why did the blanket lie and confess to the murder?

It was the perfect cover.

My wife and I love curling up in a fuzzy blanket and nuzzling up with our cat this time of year, when the air is cold and dry...

Really makes the sparks fly!

What kind of moron invented the fire blanket

Surely fire is warm enough already?

Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops.

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "my parent...

It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and "smooth it out.".....

Screw that, enjoy the peace, leave them there as long as possible. Just get a staple gun and staple the blanket down.

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she tak...

I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements

It's putting me to sleep

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was Hitler's favorite blanket?

Mein kampforter

Edit : fucking spelling imaginary words.

You know what they say about blanket statements?

They're all false.

I just started a new band called 'Blankets and Duvets'

We've already been called the best cover band of all time

My cat scratched me for trapping her under the blankets as I made the bed...

I guess she's clawstrophobic.

My daughter asked for a Frozen blanket

So last night she slept on the balcony

What do you call a special needs sheep that got turned into a blanket?

A down comforter.

What did the blanket say to the bed?

Don't worry, I've got you covered.

If Reddit was a blanket, what type of blanket would it be?

One with a high thread count.

Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby out the window?

He was airing his blanket.

What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?

Aw sheet!


One of my favorite, cheesiest jokes of all time. Thought it would be a good first post to Reddit!

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in a coma

and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They w...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The...

What do you cover yourself with at night that can keep you hot and cold?

A bipolar blanket

American Indian female wrestling

A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.

It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom....

A plane crashes

The only survivor is a flight atendant.
She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavege. She sees smoke nearby and arives to see a man cooking some meat.

-Where are you from ?- She asks him

-Great Britian.- H...

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

The place goes dead silent. The cowboy orders a drink, and the bartender asks, “Boy, you know you ain’t got no clothes on?”

“Yup,” drawls the cowboy, “but it ain’t my fault.”

“Ain’t yer fault?” says another fella in disbelief. “How’d you get nekkid, t...

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are trapped in a burning building...

They manage to make it to the roof, but the flames are climbing higher. The volunteer fire department arrives and sees them standing up on the roof. So they grab a huge safety blanket and stretch it out between them. "Jump!" one guy yells. "It's the only way to safety! We'll catch you!"

So th...

I said that all pillows are uncomfortable and my friend slapped me.

He said that’s a very blanket statement to make.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Smallpox blankets.

So a man from Arizona dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there he asks satan for a blanket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple are on a long international flight

A young couple are on a long international flight. The flight crew turns off the lights in the cabin for the passengers to sleep. The guy turns to his girlfriend and says "hey everyone is sleeping let's have sex." "No are you crazy? Everyone will hear us" says the girl. The boyfriend comes up with a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy wakes up with a massive hangover...

When he wakes up, he sees a glass of water and some tylenols, with a little piece of paper with a message on it: Take this, honey, you'll feel better!''

The guy gets up, and goes down to the dining room, and notices his son, eating breakfast.

-Oh hi dad! Mom has alreday left for work...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A handsome priest and a young nun are traveling when their car breaks down...

And they are forced to spend the night in a motel - with only one room left.

The priest, being a gentleman, said, "Due to the circumstances, let's just share the room. I'll sleep on the floor, you can have the bed. I'm sure God will understand".

The nun agrees and they turn off the lig...

If it’s an undercover cop...

Is it okay to call them Pigs in a blanket?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into a pet shop looking to buy a parrot.

"Do you have any parrots for sale?" asks the woman.

"We only have one left," replies the shopkeeper. "But I must warn you she has a filthy mouth. Take a listen."

The shopkeeper lifts a blanket off a cage to reveal the parrot, who instantly starts squawking, "My name's Bella and I want ...

My dad died last year. among the things he left us in his Legacy :

were some jump leads,

a tartan blanket

and the original Subaru owners manual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his son go to the Pharmacy

While looking for his medicine the kid looks to a pack of condoms and asks his dad: Dad, what is this?

His dad replies: those are condoms son, people use them so they can safely have fun together, while under the blankets.

A few moments later the kid point to a pack of 3 condoms and as...

I read this joke in a book of Jewish humor some years ago.

An elderly Jewish woman was about to board an El Al flight from JFK to Tel Aviv, carrying her little lap dog in a cage, covered by a blanket. The gate agent informed her that there was no way she could carry the dog aboard the plane, but assured her the dog would be perfectly safe in the luggage co...

Three Roman Solders

Three Roman Solders have been at war for a while and get home early, so mom of their wives are expecting them, so they take bets on who’s is behaving the best before going off to check on them.
The first thinks his wife will be home tending the garden and children, but they find she is nowhere t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last Christmas I gave my grandad a prostitute and a duvet....

Which surprised him, as he'd actually asked for a tartan blanket.

How do you make antifreeze?

You take away her blanket.

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,

"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your...

Marge was in bed with her lover. All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.

“Oh my God, your husband is home!” the man said. “What am I going to do?”

“Just stay in bed with me. He’s probably so drunk, he isn’t going to notice you here with me.”

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught ...

Walkers have brought out some new flavours for christmas this year

Along with pigs in blankets and glazed ham flavours, they have the more realistic xmas joys like Brussels sprout flavour.
Ungrateful child flavour, moaning resentful relative flavour, and my personal favourite, drunken row and domestic violence flavour .

He was a dyed-in-the-wool Tory and she was a militant Labour radical, but they fell madly in love anyway.

And after a whirlwind romance they tied the nuptial knot at a dream wedding. Unfortunately, in the car from the reception to the honeymoon hotel, they unwisely started talking about politics, and the talk escalated into an argument and then a blazing row, and by the time they had checked into the ro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and a nun were hiking to a monastery...

... high up a mountain. Halfway to their destination, a snowstorm slowly started. They discovered an old wooden cabin and decided to take shelter.

Inside there was only one bunk, but also a sleeping bag. So, as a man, the priest decided to let the nun have the bunk while sleeping in the sleep...

My 12-year-old son was so happy when he found out tonight, for game night, is fort night.

Who knew kids that age still find joy making pillow and blanket tents?!

Vow of silence

A man moves to Tibet to escape life and decides to become a monk. The head monk welcomes him and tells him he’ll need to take a vow of silence if he wishes to be a monk. The head monk tells him that each year he will be allowed to speak 2 words.

The man agrees. His first year is rough. The ni...

The Purple Gorilla.

Once upon a time there was a man driving down an old road at night when his car broke down on the side of the road. He saw a small house not to far away. He decided to see if the house had anyone willing to help him out. The man knocked on the door and almost instantly an old lady swung open the doo...

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

I was on my bed, relaxing and eating popcorn, when I noticed my pillow was missing it's pillowcase.

I started looking for it in the darkness of my room(I still had a little bit of light). I saw a blanket-ish shadow in my peripheral vision. I reached for it, thinking it was the pillowcase. However, after pressing down on it and hearing the loud, crinkly noise of a near-empty bag of popcorn, I soon ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Night To Remember...

A man is walking through the city at night and sees a woman sitting at the storefront of a shop wrapped in a blanket with a sad look on her face.

He kneels down beside her and asks if she is okay.

“I’m fine, it’s just I have been sleeping rough for weeks, I’m freezing cold and haven’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man meets a strange woman on a train in a sleeping coupe.

After a few awkward moments they make an arrangement that the woman will sleep on the top bunk and the man will sleep on the bottom bunk.

In the middle of the night, the woman gets up and prods the man to wake him up.

"Please, sir, I'm sorry for bothering you, but could you ask the con...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian in New York

*Note: this joke is best read out loud, in the best Italian accent you can do.*

So, I hear all my friends tell me how much they like New York, so I decide I'm gonna go visit. I take the plane to New York from Rome, an' by the time I get there, it's the middle of the night.

So I go to ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.