Never challenge death to a pillow fight

unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

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As old as the Hills and twice as dusty but no, I've never seen it here

The traveling salesman's car breaks,so he asked a farmer if he can stay there for a few days while his car gets fixed.

The farmer had 2 beautiful daughters, Nellie and Venus.

One night TS takes the older daughter "Venus"on a date to the drive in,using the farmers car.

The next...

I went to the barbers earlier and said I wanted my hair cutting like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the chair.

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

What do you call a cushion with transcendentalist views?

A Thoreau pillow.

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The Farmer's New Addition

There once was a farmer who owned luscious pastures. He proudly looked over them everyday. He always took care of all of his animals.

Though one day he had brought in a new foal, a chestnut coloured one, that he thought was adorable.

He got him on the farm but the foal looked nervous ...

If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...

I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

I know the pillow has gone but I don’t want to talk about it any more.

End of dis-cushion

It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and "smooth it out.".....

Screw that, enjoy the peace, leave them there as long as possible. Just get a staple gun and staple the blanket down.

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3 kids climb to the roof of a building when they see a genie who says: when you jump off this building, whatever you say will appear below you

The kids are skeptical, until one of the boys jumps off one side of the roof and screams β€œ1000 PILLOWS”.

Sure enough when the kid falls, 1000 pillows appear below him to cushion his fall

The second kid excited to try it jumps off another side of the roof and screams β€œ1000 pounds of fe...

What do you call a two-week celebration of tree houses, couch cushion lean-tos, and cardboard box buildings?

A fortnight.

There was once a little boy

For his 2nd birthday he was given a little tractor with pedals. He loved it so much that it started an obsession with tractors.

By his fourth birthday, he already had 30 tractors of different sizes and colours.

As soon as he learnt how to read, he started filling his shelves in his bed...

Every time a new Pope is elected...

...there are a lot of rituals in accordance with tradition. Well, there is one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents the Pope with a silver tray bearing a velv...

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A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

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Three men were about to cliff jump from this magical cliff

The first man told the other two about why it's a magical cliff " they say when you jump off if you yell what you want it will magically appear at the bottom of this cliff, replacing the water."

So the first man jumps off and yells "GOLD!" All of the water turned into gold coins, and the man ...

I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for...

She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.

The man who invented the television remote control passed away today

They found him at home between the couch cushions.

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First visit to a brothel (NSFW)

After several years of loneliness a man visits a brothel. He speaks with the madame at the front desk and he says, "It's been years since I've had sex, and I've never been to a place like this before. What can I get for twenty bucks?"

"Hmmm..." says the mistress, "twenty won't get you much i...

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At the gates of heaven

3 men are at the gates of Heaven, Peter says, "It's getting pretty full in here, so the one with the worst story of how he died will get in." The first guy starts he says, " I was doing naked yoga on my balcony, I live on the 27th floor, and I slipped over the balcony, I only fell 1 floor down and c...

What happens if you try to sit on Death's couch?

There will be grim reaper cushions

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St. Peter and Jesus made a deal to only let the people who died in an interesting way pass through the gates of Heaven...

After a while, the first man comes to the gates of Heaven. "We have a new rule about which people we can let pass through. How did you die, my son?", asked St. Peter. "Well it's a pretty interesting story. I was late for work, and I was in a hurry. Halfway to my job, I remembered that I forgot my ph...

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A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He the...

A Cardinal enters the Pope's residence.

"Your Holiness, I have some very good news and some very bad news", he says.

"My son, I've had a hard day. Please give me the good news first to cushion the bad news." The Pontiff requests.

"Your Holiness, I just received a phone call from Jesus and he has returned to Earth to bring Th...

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Three men hear of a wish-granting boulder.

This boulder is rumored to be located at the top of a steep cliff, so the men set out on a rather grueling hike in order to find it. Upon arrival at the very top, they find a natural monolith of sorts, and are greeted by a booming voice.

"Greetings, travelers!" the voice says. "I am the Rock ...

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Get into heaven on a bad day

A man comes home early from work only to find his wife's clothes scattered across the living room along with someone else's. In a fury he rushes to the bedroom to see his wife laying in bed naked begging him to calm down.

The man in a furious rage ignores his wife trying to find the man who ...

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A woman is looking for a birthday gift for her husband...

She goes all around town, to all the sporting stores, department stores, gadget/computer stores, can't find anything her husband would like or doesn't have.

She decides to go downtown and walks around looking at interesting boutique stores when she ends up walking into a very strange looking ...

A Frenchman, A German and An Englishman are caught smuggling booze in Saudi Arabia!

They are all ordered to be whipped and will receive 30 whips each,
they ask the Frenchman what he would like on his back while he is whipped and he replies " A cushion" . After about 15 whips the cushion comes apart and the Frenchman is left screaming with a red back.
Then they as the German ...

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Charlie came to work with two black eyes today.

"What happened to you"

"She hit me like she was a man. Twice."

"Who?"

"I was in church yesterday, with my sister and her boys. The old widow Mrs. Marshal was in front us. She was sitting in a folding chair with a cushion. When she stood for a hymn my nephews started giggling an...

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A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend...

A nervous young man arrives for the first time at the house of his new girlfriend, and is greeted at the door by her father and Baron, the family dog. The young man is invited to sit in the living room to visit with the dad while his date is getting ready upstairs, and Baron wags his tail and sits ...

Maybe I'm too old for pillow forts.

On the one hand, I feel young enough to want to build pillow forts, but on the other hand, I'm a grown up now, with my own adult responsibilities and apartment, so I don't have access to my parents' awesome sofa cushions.

How to start an orchestra

Let's say you've got your woodwinds, strings and brass ensemble to start an orchestra.

However, you realize that you have no percussion and now your dreams of performing a Space Oydessy have been crushed.

A quick fix to not let your dreams be dreams is to buy tons of pillows.

Al...

My Favorite Joke

Three guys die and go to heaven. While they're waiting in line at the pearly gates a guy asks them how they died. The first guy says "I live on the fourteenth floor of an apartment building. I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me for a little while now so today I decided to find out for sure...

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