A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Gimli was going on a date last night, so I let him borrow my hair gel and my shaving foam.

And my Axe.

While bathing my 6 year old son, he stuck a wet foam letter to my back.

I pulled the letter "P" away from my skin and my son said "Dad, I peed on your back!"

-true story, just happened.

Memory foam pillows are the worst.

As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up during the day.

My memory foam mattress broke yesterday...

It has amnesia

The orange and blue toy guns that fire foam darts are OP

Pls nerf

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.

It holds me just like my uncle used to.

When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.

Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.

When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow,

that's a pillow fight you'll never forget.

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My kids added to the Diarrhea Song, here they are

Most of us probably know the song. Here's how I knew it as a kid:

When you're sliding into first with pants about to burst diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding into two and you're just about to poo, diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third and lay a juicy turd, diarr...

I always eat Eggs Benedict on a foam plate

Because there's no plate like foam for the hollandaise.

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The Gynaecologist’s Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ...

A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

A man jumps on a bed

A man jumps on a bed expecting it to be soft and fluffy...

\*Wham!\*
Instead he experienced a very firm landing.
\*Owww!\*
I think this memory foam has amnesia!

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

You'll have to travel to Oxford

A bloke goes into the jobcentre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologists assistant, interested he goes to find out more..
'Can you give me some more details about this?' He said to the guy behind the desk.
The jobcentre guy shifts through his files and replies 'ah yes, I'...

Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat her memory-foam mattress forgot!

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A politician dies and winds up standing in front of the pearly gates.

St. Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a ...

Your momma’s so fat

she gave her memory foam mattress brain damage....

What do you call 500 epileptics at a disco?

A foam party!

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

I figured out what Victoria’s Secret is!!!!!

..... it’s foam :/

I'm not saying me and my partner are freaky in bed......

....But our memory foam mattress has PTSD.

Picked my son up from his first day of daycare.

Looked like a great place. Tons of cool toys. One corner of the room was full of blocks, one corner had a huge ball pit, another corner was a reading nook with little-kid type books. I got there just as they were cleaning the room up, and there were these huge foam ABCs all over the floor. I watched...

What’s the comfort support of choice for women’s bras?

Mammary Foam

Three men are drinking in a bar

A Italian, Frenchman and Estonian gentlemen are drinking in a bar arguing who's the best lover.

The Italian goes: "Last night I made love to my woman for 2 hours, she kept screaming for 5 minutes when I was done!"

The Frenchman smirks at that and goes: "That's nothing, last night I mad...

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

An armless man walks into a bar

which is empty except for the bartender.
He orders a drink and when he has been served, asks the bartender if he would mind getting the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliges.
Next the man asks if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. T...

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"

Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.

"Hey!" Trum...

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A Turtle, a Grasshopper, and a Centipede are Drinking Beers

A turtle, a grasshopper, and a centipede are all sitting together drinking beers. They run out of beers, and the grasshopper says, "alright who's going to go buy some more some more?"

The turtle says, "I'd go, but it'll take me forever."

The grasshopper says, "I'd go but by the time I ...

Great pickup line...

You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?

Her: Yes.

You: Wanna Traumatize it?

Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow

Mines made of mammary foam

I like my women like I like my coffee.

Aromatic and with a bit of foam floating at the top.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Win this jar of money!

A guys walks into a bar after a long day at work. On the bar, he see a jar full of money, all twenties. On it it says "Win this jar of Money! Just ask the Bartender." He asks, "Hey, what's up with this jar?"

"Oh, well you have three tasks I would need you to finish and you can win all that mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are all at a pub

They each order a beer. Soon after, a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman simply pushes his drink away and orders another. The Irishman takes the fly out and downs his beer, covering his face with foam. The Scotsman pulls out the fly and holds it over the glass by its wings. "go on," h...

Instructions for cleaning the toilet

**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl a...

" I love to pamper my wife "

I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot water running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her

I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was...

And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.

I can't sleep in my bed anymore, my mind races thinking of all the stupid stuff I've done in the past.

Stupid memory foam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife mowing the lawn

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 whales

Two Whales, Bob & Brenda, are swimming in the cold arctic waters when Bob spies a boat. "It can't be!" exclaims Bob. "What" asks Brenda. "You see that boat in the distance, Brenda? Well that's the whaler that murdered my parents!" "Oh Bob, that's awful" replies Brenda. "Quick, Brenda, I have a p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite "yo mama" jokes (from an /r/Askreddit thread)

01) Your momma is so unfamiliar with the gym that she calls it James.

02) Your mom's so ugly your dad takes her to work with him everyday so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

03) Yo mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.

04) Yo mama's so slutty, she got fired from th...

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