Foam Jokes - 83 Hilarious Foam Jokes

Memory foam pillows are the worst.

As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up during the day.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand

Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"

I used to punch my memory foam pillow whenever I got mad.

Eventually it learned my moves.

I recently became very angry as a result of misplacing my memory foam mattress.

I had lost my Tempur.

I stuffed a bunch of blunts into the holes of a foam shoe and brought it to the party.

Sure I was popular, but I wish someone would have explained to me what a crockpot was before I came.

Memory foam underwear

I bought some shoes with memory foam insoles. I was so excited about them! I told my wife I can’t wait to wear them, they have memory foam! I want memory foam underwear! She said “your underwear shouldn’t remember anything.”

Two men are walking down the street when a dog that's foaming at the mouth viciously bites one of them, then runs off...

"Oh my god!" cries the other man. "That dog must have rabies!"

"Rabies?" says the bitten man. Looking frightened and shaky, he takes a notepad and a pen out of his pocket and starts to scribble something down.

"Wait!" says his friend, "We can get you tested and vaccinated for rabies i...

A doctor had an unusual habit.

He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment. If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.

One day, a man came to him and said, "Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating."
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Have a spoonful of this."
The man tries some, spits...

Two foam darts to the head is plenty...

But one is a Nerf.

I bought one of those memory foam pillows the other day...

... Uh, I forgot what I was going to say about that.

While bathing my 6 year old son, he stuck a wet foam letter to my back.

I pulled the letter "P" away from my skin and my son said "Dad, I peed on your back!"

-true story, just happened.

I always eat Eggs Benedict on a foam plate

Because there's no plate like foam for the hollandaise.

Gimli was going on a date last night, so I let him borrow my hair gel and my shaving foam.

And my Axe.

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Why are boobs soft and squishy?

Because they are made of mammary foam.

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

I’ve finally gone and bought some memory foam inserts for my slippers.

No more forgetting why I walked in to the kitchen.

Yo mama's so fat

when she sat on a memory foam it forgot

When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow,

that's a pillow fight you'll never forget.

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.

It holds me just like my uncle used to.

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

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Dapple's Car Accident

Once upon a frosty Canadian winter, there lived a man named Dapple. Dapple was a proud Canuck, born and raised in the heart of the Great White North. He loved the snow, the maple syrup, and of course, ice hockey. But one fateful day, his life took an unexpected turn.

Dapple was driving ...

When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.

Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

So my girlfriend and I broke up last year...

I dont want to say she was fat, but it took 9 months for my memory foam matress to forget her

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A man walks into a brothel

A man walks into a brothel one day and says to the woman: “I’m here to enjoy an evening with a young woman. Is this a fine establishment?”

The woman replies “oh absolutely! This is the finest establishment that you’ll find within a 300 mile radius!”

The man states “great! I have a 12 i...

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An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman...

...sit down at a pub and each order a Guinness. As the foam is settling, a fly happens to land in each of their glasses.

Put off by this, and accustomed to a more civilised way of drinking, the posh Englishman politely asks the barkeep for another pint.

The Scottsman, a bit more roug...

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

What is the padding in a pushup bra made from?

Mammory Foam

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.

So he decided to grow the state’s ...

Three men are drinking in a bar

A Italian, Frenchman and Estonian gentlemen are drinking in a bar arguing who's the best lover.

The Italian goes: "Last night I made love to my woman for 2 hours, she kept screaming for 5 minutes when I was done!"

The Frenchman smirks at that and goes: "That's nothing, last night I mad...

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A man went to Harley Street in London having seen an advertisement for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read: The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist.

You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regio...

I have the worst luck…

I have the worst luck, I went to buy a memory foam pillow - turned out it had Alzheimers.

My wife is coming back from holiday tomorrow...

Does anyone know how to delete the memory, from my memory foam mattress?

A strong boxer

has a foam board to practice on.
He punches it 10,15,20 times in a row, so hard that each punch makes a crater in the foam.
After he finishes practice, he turns to an imaginary audience, shows them the board, and tells them

"here's the punchline"

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"

Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.

"Hey!" Trum...

Money cant buy you happiness.

But I'd rather have my tears hit designer Bugatti leather than the composite foam in my car.

A new study found

A new study found

that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits..

And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims..

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

What did Ed Gein make his mattress out of?

Mammary foam

The Tempur-pedic Mattress company has come out with a line of breast implants...

...They're mammary foam.

Yo mama so fat....

... she gave her memory-foam mattress to Goodwill and they sold it as a flying saucer.

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
Bu...

Great pickup line...

You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?

Her: Yes.

You: Wanna Traumatize it?

Me: How long have we had that mattress?

Wife: No idea

Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school keep flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologist’s assistant; intrigued, he goes in to find out more…

‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he says to the guy behind the desk.

The job centre guy sorts through his files and replies, ‘Ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one; the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist – you have to help them out of ...

I feel bad for modern mattress materials.

I'm sure there are things that even memory foam would like to forget.

What are elephants’ shoes made out of?

Memory foam.

A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...

The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.

"This one is on the house bro", he says.

"Thanks man," said the patron.

"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"...

A Man goes to a coffeeshop in Paris

He can’t decide what to order, so he asks the waiter about some suggestions. Waiter recommends cappuccino.

He thinks for a while, than says, “Nah, I think I’ll go with the espresso.”

“Are you sure? Our cappuccino is exceptional.“ says waiter.

“No, I think I’d like espresso.”...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

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Took a girl home after clubbing last night.

After a few drinks, we went up stairs and while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said " i hope thats not that fat one from last week" the girl said "what the fuck was that" ? i said its that bastard memory foam matress.

" I love to pamper my wife "

I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work.
I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot water running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her

What do you call 500 epileptics at a disco?

A foam party!

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There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain.

One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello - surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate his size, it would be there.

As he walks into the parlor, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles. The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but...

A man jumps on a bed

A man jumps on a bed expecting it to be soft and fluffy...

\*Wham!\*
Instead he experienced a very firm landing.
\*Owww!\*
I think this memory foam has amnesia!

I figured out what Victoria’s Secret is!!!!!

..... it’s foam :/

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A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

What’s the comfort support of choice for women’s bras?

Mammary Foam

My wife is really mad at me because I accidentally handed her washing soda instead of baking soda.

It left her foaming at the mouth.

Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first scientist tells the bartender, "I'd like some H2O please."

The second scientist says, "I would also like H2O."

The two scientists finish their drink, but on their way out the second scientist suddenly collapses and starts foaming at the mouth.

"What happened?" goes the...

Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow

Mines made of mammary foam

Keeping The Romance Alive

I still love to spoil the love of my life! If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me she's on her way! I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.

I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was...

And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.

An armless man walks into a bar

which is empty except for the bartender.
He orders a drink and when he has been served, asks the bartender if he would mind getting the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliges.
Next the man asks if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. T...

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NSFW John had married Eileen, as she was a rules girl, she'd kept herself pure until her wedding night.

As Eileen took off her wedding dress, John undid his shoe laces. Eileen noticed for the first time John's size 10 shoes were padded with foam he pulled his feet out of the shoes and they looked like baby feet. She said "My, haven't you got tiny feet?" John looked embarrassed, he said "I had toe-sill...

The hut with an attic

The king of a small nation lived in a palace that was, in actuality, just a straw hut with an attic. Still, with the king living there, it was indeed a palace, as far as the citizens of that nation were concerned. The king would greet guests while sitting cross-legged on the floor.

On...

I can't sleep in my bed anymore, my mind races thinking of all the stupid stuff I've done in the past.

Stupid memory foam...

An atheist is walking through the woods

An atheist is walking through the woods, enjoying the scenes of nature, the birds chirping, the beauty of trees, the fauna, marveling what evolution has managed over the course of centuries and millennia of development.

Suddenly, through the brush, a grizzly bear crashes. Roaring and...

A scientist has made the greatest breakthrough in human history by discovering how to time travel...

..and after global fame and months of planning how to communicate, how to introduce his people and what to bring he and his assistant time travel back to Ancient Egypt as an ambassador to a famous queen. His visit is able to be broadcasted live to the present in front of billions and Egyptians from ...

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My kids added to the Diarrhea Song, here they are

Most of us probably know the song. Here's how I knew it as a kid:

When you're sliding into first with pants about to burst diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding into two and you're just about to poo, diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third and lay a juicy turd, diarr...

Picked my son up from his first day of daycare.

Looked like a great place. Tons of cool toys. One corner of the room was full of blocks, one corner had a huge ball pit, another corner was a reading nook with little-kid type books. I got there just as they were cleaning the room up, and there were these huge foam ABCs all over the floor. I watched...

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A bartender is about to close down for the evening when a man walks into the bar.

The man sits down at the empty bar and says, "unfortunately i haven't got any money, but wondering if you would care to wager me for a yard of ale?"

Intrigued, the bartender inquires what the man has in mind for a wager. "You pour me a yard of that Blonde Ale over there....if I can finish ...

Instructions for cleaning the toilet

**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl a...

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Wife mowing the lawn

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from ...

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A Turtle, a Grasshopper, and a Centipede are Drinking Beers

A turtle, a grasshopper, and a centipede are all sitting together drinking beers. They run out of beers, and the grasshopper says, "alright who's going to go buy some more some more?"

The turtle says, "I'd go, but it'll take me forever."

The grasshopper says, "I'd go but by the time I ...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...

... and each order a beer. As the beers are set down on the table three flies fly into the bar and land in the beer, one in each glass. The Englishman pushes his beer away and orders another. The Irishman blows the foam off the top of his beer along with the fly and drinks the beer. The Scotsman pic...

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There was this 80 year old virgin...

There was this 80 year old virgin that started getting itchy... down there....

So, she goes to the gynecologist. The dr does the examination and reports "ma'am, i'm sorry to tell you, but it appears you've contracted an STD. We'll need to do further testing to confirm." The lady is outraged! ...

A king was growing jealous of his new born

Ever since his son was born, the king felt like everyone was paying more attention to his son than him. As days passed he was starting to get more and more jealous of his son for getting all the love and was starting to feel a pain growing in him knowing that he wasn't the center of the attention an...

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2 whales

Two Whales, Bob & Brenda, are swimming in the cold arctic waters when Bob spies a boat. "It can't be!" exclaims Bob. "What" asks Brenda. "You see that boat in the distance, Brenda? Well that's the whaler that murdered my parents!" "Oh Bob, that's awful" replies Brenda. "Quick, Brenda, I have a p...

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A man goes to a brothel.

A man goes to a brothel. Broke, he ask for their cheapest pricing. The madam respond, "there's a girl who will go for $30."

The man opens his wallet, revealing just a couple dusty coins. Reluctantly he says, "Any cheaper?"

"Well there is... just one. It might not be the best but she ...

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