Memory foam pillows are the worst.

As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up during the day.

So, I ate a memory foam mattress again

I had forgotten how much better they taste than traditional mattresses.

While bathing my 6 year old son, he stuck a wet foam letter to my back.

I pulled the letter "P" away from my skin and my son said "Dad, I peed on your back!"

-true story, just happened.

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

Gimli was going on a date last night, so I let him borrow my hair gel and my shaving foam.

And my Axe.

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my like come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

I’ve finally gone and bought some memory foam inserts for my slippers.

No more forgetting why I walked in to the kitchen.

The orange and blue toy guns that fire foam darts are OP

Pls nerf

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Me: How long have we had that mattress?

Wife: No idea

Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days

I always eat Eggs Benedict on a foam plate

Because there's no plate like foam for the hollandaise.

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

When I was a teenager, I used to punch my memory foam pillow when my anger was getting beyond control.

Now it's memorized all my moves, and I live in constant fear.

A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...

The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.

"This one is on the house bro", he says.

"Thanks man," said the patron.

"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"...

Keeping The Romance Alive

I still love to spoil the love of my life! If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me she's on her way! I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.

When you have a pillow fight with a memory foam pillow,

that's a pillow fight you'll never forget.

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My kids added to the Diarrhea Song, here they are

Most of us probably know the song. Here's how I knew it as a kid:

When you're sliding into first with pants about to burst diarrhea, diarrhea.

When you're sliding into two and you're just about to poo, diarrhea, diarrhea

When you're sliding into third and lay a juicy turd, diarr...

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The Gynaecologist’s Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ...

Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat her memory-foam mattress forgot!

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

A man jumps on a bed

A man jumps on a bed expecting it to be soft and fluffy...

\*Wham!\*
Instead he experienced a very firm landing.
\*Owww!\*
I think this memory foam has amnesia!

You'll have to travel to Oxford

A bloke goes into the jobcentre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologists assistant, interested he goes to find out more..
'Can you give me some more details about this?' He said to the guy behind the desk.
The jobcentre guy shifts through his files and replies 'ah yes, I'...

My mattress has gotten really old and lost its purpose....

I guess the memory foam got amnesia...

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A politician dies and winds up standing in front of the pearly gates.

St. Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a ...

Just realized I really like Eggs Benedict when they're served on disposable dishes..

There's just no plates like foam for the Hollandaise

Your momma’s so fat

she gave her memory foam mattress brain damage....

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A man visits a brothel

A man—a salesman to be exact—is driving along an old two lane highway. It’s the worst part of his territory, as it takes him far from home for days on end.

He misses his wife, his tv, his wife, his la-z-boy, and most of all...his wife.

His mind starts to wander as he thinks of his wi...

A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

What do you call 500 epileptics at a disco?

A foam party!

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There was this 80 year old virgin...

There was this 80 year old virgin that started getting itchy... down there....

So, she goes to the gynecologist. The dr does the examination and reports "ma'am, i'm sorry to tell you, but it appears you've contracted an STD. We'll need to do further testing to confirm." The lady is outraged! ...

Picked my son up from his first day of daycare.

Looked like a great place. Tons of cool toys. One corner of the room was full of blocks, one corner had a huge ball pit, another corner was a reading nook with little-kid type books. I got there just as they were cleaning the room up, and there were these huge foam ABCs all over the floor. I watched...

I figured out what Victoria’s Secret is!!!!!

..... it’s foam :/

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One thing a son never wants to hear

=Dads taking a piss and yells out=
Come hold this for me!
... Fricken beer foaming over.

An armless man walks into a bar

which is empty except for the bartender.
He orders a drink and when he has been served, asks the bartender if he would mind getting the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliges.
Next the man asks if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. T...

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A man rubbed a genie lamp.

The genie gave his usual spiel about three wishes. No more, no less. The man wished for the biggest cock, the strongest toned finest ass, and softest pussy. With a snap of the genie's finger all three wishes were granted. The genie told him to wait for tomorrow for all wishes to take effect.
...

I'm not saying me and my partner are freaky in bed......

....But our memory foam mattress has PTSD.

My wife is really mad at me because I accidentally handed her washing soda instead of baking soda.

It left her foaming at the mouth.

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"

Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.

"Hey!" Trum...

Three men are drinking in a bar

A Italian, Frenchman and Estonian gentlemen are drinking in a bar arguing who's the best lover.

The Italian goes: "Last night I made love to my woman for 2 hours, she kept screaming for 5 minutes when I was done!"

The Frenchman smirks at that and goes: "That's nothing, last night I mad...

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A man goes to a brothel.

A man goes to a brothel. Broke, he ask for their cheapest pricing. The madam respond, "there's a girl who will go for $30."

The man opens his wallet, revealing just a couple dusty coins. Reluctantly he says, "Any cheaper?"

"Well there is... just one. It might not be the best but she ...

What’s the comfort support of choice for women’s bras?

Mammary Foam

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There once was a man in a happy marriage, save for one aspect - his member was so sizable he could not fully insert himself into his wife without causing her pain.

One night, this frustration boiled over, and he headed out to find a bordello - surely, if he was to find a woman to accommodate his size, it would be there.


As he walks into the parlor, he eyes a man behind the counter and tells him his troubles. The man says, "Well, that's a pickle, but...

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A Turtle, a Grasshopper, and a Centipede are Drinking Beers

A turtle, a grasshopper, and a centipede are all sitting together drinking beers. They run out of beers, and the grasshopper says, "alright who's going to go buy some more some more?"

The turtle says, "I'd go, but it'll take me forever."

The grasshopper says, "I'd go but by the time I ...

Great pickup line...

You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?

Her: Yes.

You: Wanna Traumatize it?

Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow

Mines made of mammary foam

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Win this jar of money!

A guys walks into a bar after a long day at work. On the bar, he see a jar full of money, all twenties. On it it says "Win this jar of Money! Just ask the Bartender." He asks, "Hey, what's up with this jar?"

"Oh, well you have three tasks I would need you to finish and you can win all that mo...

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An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman are all at a pub

They each order a beer. Soon after, a fly lands in each of their drinks. The Englishman simply pushes his drink away and orders another. The Irishman takes the fly out and downs his beer, covering his face with foam. The Scotsman pulls out the fly and holds it over the glass by its wings. "go on," h...

Instructions for cleaning the toilet

**Instructions for cleaning the toilet:**

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl a...

I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was...

And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.

Trump and Putin decide theyre going to decide WW3 with a Dog Fight

So they agree on coming back in a couple of years after training a dog for the occasion and rather than wasting millions of human lives and countless dollars they agree that the winner of the dog fight is the offical winner of WW3.

Some time passes and they meet up again. Putin shows up with...

I can't sleep in my bed anymore, my mind races thinking of all the stupid stuff I've done in the past.

Stupid memory foam...

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Wife mowing the lawn

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my bottle of beer, wiped the cold foam from ...

You get what you pay for (NSFW/Gross)

A man goes to a brothel and walks up to the clerk at the front desk. The man says "I would like to buy some entertainment for the night." The clerk replies, "I would recommend Jessica. She is one the 3rd floor, room 7. She is $250 for the night." The man replies "That's Outrageous! I can't pay that!...

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2 whales

Two Whales, Bob & Brenda, are swimming in the cold arctic waters when Bob spies a boat. "It can't be!" exclaims Bob. "What" asks Brenda. "You see that boat in the distance, Brenda? Well that's the whaler that murdered my parents!" "Oh Bob, that's awful" replies Brenda. "Quick, Brenda, I have a p...

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