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Handkerchief Jokes

Magician: I can turn this handkerchief into a flower.

Little Johnny: That’s nothing. I can walk down the street and turn into an alley.

French sense of humor

So me (not a German, but was living in Germany those days) and a colleague (who is French and lives in France too) were "on-site" in Austria visiting a customer. After the work day was over we went to a nearby farmer's market just for a stroll. We saw some lovely and cheap lemons there and I wanted ...

A man came into a doctor's office with a hacking up a lung, coughing up gobs of mucous into a handkerchief.

The staff tried to find out what was wrong and get more info from the man but he was clearly speaking a foreign language and no one could seem to identify what it was. A nurse happened to walk by the man and heard what was going on. She immediately got on her phone and soon a translator was at the m...

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

How do you make a handkerchief dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

Was walking with my friend when an eyelash got in my eye and he offered me his handkerchief

Told him bro that would be so uneyegeinic

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

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A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that's getting ready to take off.

Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes off the end of his penis with his handkerchief. He zips up and continues reading his magazine. The woman cannot believe what she just saw.

Then he sneezes again, unzips, pulls out his penis and wipes it off with a handkerchief. The...

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A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head an...

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I have a handkerchief I nut on

I call it a Wankerchief.

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

Two groups of warriors are facing each other beafore a battle

Wanting to intimidate their foes, a swordsman takes out his handkerchief, throws it up into the air and deftly slices it into ribbons before it hits the ground.

Not wanting to be outdone, his opponent also takes out his handkerchief and throws it up in the air. The handkerchief flutters down...

English lord returns home and finds his wife in bed with her lover...

... He quietly leaves the room, and calls the butler:

\- John, could you please bring me my saber.

John brings the saber. The lord takes it and enters the bedroom. A few seconds later he comes out, wiping the saber with a handkerchief, and tells the butler:

\- John, please bring...

A circus is holding auditions and a 91 year old man shows up. "What do you do?" asks the ringmaster.

"I bend over backwards," says the man, "and pick up a handkerchief off the floor with my teeth."

"Wow," says the ringmaster, impressed that this elderly man is agile enough to do this. "Then what do you do?" he asks.

"Then I bend over again," says the man, "and pick up my teeth."

Old joke i heard about 7 years ago

A girl called snowflake approaches her mother and asks her why shes called snowflake,the mother responds:"When you were born it was snowing and a snowflake fell on your head". Then,her sister who's name is handkerchief asks her mom the same thing,her mother responds:"When you were born a woman was ...

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

Did you hear about that fight at the laundromat?

I recon a washing machine beat the snot out of a handkerchief.

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

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A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patc...

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Bob’s flight

Bob is on his flight home from a long business trip.

He’s thankful to find the middle seat will be open for the upcoming 5 hour trip.

About 30 minutes after take off, he notices the man in the window seat sneeze and then proceed to take a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe off the he...

True story.

Here is a story my dad shared with me before he passed away.

In the '30's, mail was often delivered by a silver fixed landing gear airplane to the Walnut Ridge airport. My dad and his dad was out plowing the cotton field with their only mule. A silver plane flew lazily overhead which caught...

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder.

The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness...

I've gotten 100000+ girls in bed with this line.

Does my handkerchief smell like chloroform?

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A son is hesitating between 2 jobs so he asks his dad which one he should choose so he won’t end up in shit

Son: Dad, I don’t know what to choose dentist or construction worker

Dad: if you’re a dentist you’re okay, if you’re a construction worker it depends
Either you work on top of the building or on the ground

If you’re on the ground it’s okay, if you’re on the top it depends
Either ...

A Czechoslovakian and Soviet were hunting in the woods

It had been sometime since they were last seen and people were starting to worry about them. A week had passed and a search party was deployed.

The search wasn’t going well until one tracker found some bear scat with a handkerchief that was thought to belong to the Soviet hunter.

A f...

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A Mississippi Girl is flying on an airplane for the first time when...

...a smartly-dressed older woman sits down and arranges herself in the seat next to the girl.

"So, where y'all from?" the girl asks cheerfully.

The woman slowly takes out a handkerchief, dabs at her forehead and the corners of her mouth, and clears her throat before answering...
...

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A man walks into the produce section of a grocery store

He stares longingly at the apples for several minutes before letting out a long sigh, grabbing a pear, and trudging to the checkout. He sits in the parking lot, takes out a paring knife, and unenthusiastically slices up and eats the fruit. He carefully wipes the knife clean with his handkerchief, di...

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher

recently came upon a farmer working in his field.
Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
<...

A man goes into the bathroom to take a dump.

When he's done, he realizes there's no toilet paper. Knocking on the stall next to him, he asks, "Hey, do have an extra roll of toilet paper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have a newspaper?"
"I'm sorry, but I do not."
He knocks again. "Do you have an old ha...

So a magician on a cruise night has a show every night...

NOTSONINJAEDIT: On a cruise ship***

And every time he performs, an intelligent parrot (deal with it) sits at the back and ruins all his magic tricks by shouting out what the secrets are. When he saws a lady in half, the parrot says that she's crawled up in the other half of the box. When he ...

I was walking along the road the other day when I saw a dead, baby ghost...

...however if I think about it it was probably a handkerchief

Little Johnny Back At It

Little Johnny is in class, and they are working in vocabulary.

Miss Jones asks the class "Can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?"

Little Mary shoots her hand up in the air, as does Little Johnny. Miss Jones has heard a lot of jokes, so of course she calls Little Mary first...

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The Religious Horse

David wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Jack.



"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Jack. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Thank God', and he stops when you say 'Help me God.'"



So David gets on the horse a...

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Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

Life Rules For My Son

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.

2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.

3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.

4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially i...

Thank god

Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country when he saw a stable with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane. Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of in...

Joke my 63 year old British dad just told me...

Two American astronauts zoom off to the moon, they land on the moon safely and hop out of the module. They do some routine work, collecting rock samples, checking temperatures and the like.

Then one of them sees a man in the distance sitting on a deck chair wearing a handkerchief with knots o...

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get over here!

"You know, I went fishing up on Warwoman this weekend and saw something I ain't never seen before in my life... I was just driving along mindin' my own business... I guess I was doin' about 40 at the time, and I caught a glimpse of something in the rear view mirror... Next thing I know, I looked up ...

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The Wagerer

A guy walks into a bar, is seen by the bartender wandering from table to table, occasionally making them laugh, occasionally getting a scowl and pocketing a few dollars. Finally, he makes his way to the bar and sits down. "Whats all that about?" asks the barkeep

"Oh, I'm a professional wagere...

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