A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

A man was arrested for stealing cat hairs to make whoopee cushions.

This was a criminal offense in Florida. He was brought before a judge who was a notorious cat lover. The jury consisted of only elderly spinsters. The man's lawyer requested for a different judge and jury, but his request was rejected. The court found the man "extremely guilty and a possible dog lov...

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight.

Unless you’re prepared to face the reaper cushions.

If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions...

I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

Grim Reaper

Late last night, I heard a knock at my door. When I opened it, I saw Death come to take me. He stuck out one bony finger from his shroud and motioned for me to follow.

“Please!” I begged. Just give me a few more years.” Death just silently shook his head.

“I’ll do anything,” I exclai...

It is an unspoken rule that if a little kid is hiding under a blanket or couch cushions, you are required to comment on how lumpy the blanket is and pretend to sit on it to try and "smooth it out.".....

Screw that, enjoy the peace, leave them there as long as possible. Just get a staple gun and staple the blanket down.

"Barkeep, why are there pills glued to the top of the bar seating?" "Oh, some people complained that our seats were too hard. Those are stool softeners."

"And, cushions would have rectal the loose vibes we work so hard to cultivate."

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

For those who dare steal Death's pillows..

Prepare yourself for the reaper cushions

Once, I agreed to help Death move his couch to his new place.

After we got there, I realized I forgot those things you’re supposed to sit on.

There were reaper cushions.

Coronavirus

This thing is getting crazy, I just got two round trip tickets to see my family. And a trip to mexico, all for the price of the coins I found between my sofa cushions. It really just goes to show you that whatever you want in life, China will always make it cheaper.

There was once a little boy

For his 2nd birthday he was given a little tractor with pedals. He loved it so much that it started an obsession with tractors.

By his fourth birthday, he already had 30 tractors of different sizes and colours.

As soon as he learnt how to read, he started filling his shelves in his bed...

Pillow fight

The other day I had a pillow fight with Death. I thought I could win but he beat me embarrasingly easily.

I guess I wasn't ready for the reaper cushions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

I told my hairdresser I wanted my hair cut like Tom Cruise...

...so they gave me 2 cushions to sit on.

Farmer drama

The farmers association are up in arms about a new model of combine harvester that comes with padded seats...

they're worried about reaper cushions

The man who invented the television remote control passed away today

They found him at home between the couch cushions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I decided to order a hooker.

I browsed through Craigslist and found the perfect one. An African American BBW named Ebony.

She arrived at my house just after 8pm, I invited her in.

"Where do you want me, Sugar?" She asked.

"Ok, please get undressed, sit over there on the carpet in the corner, and open your l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer...

Came up with this a while back, and found it today. I cleaned it up a bit:

A biologist, a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer can't take it anymore and decide to commit suicide.

The biologist reviews some data and determines the impact velocity required to kill a human. He the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my virginity last week

But it's fine. Turns out it was just between the couch cushions.

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