[OC] What did the sock say to the ripped sock?

Socks to be you

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

I like my socks to be athiests.

That way I know they're not holy.

“Honeyyyy, on your way down can you bring me down a pair of socks please?”

Husband: “Sure no problem!”

Wife: “Thanks! Ermmmm...babe, one of these socks is black and the other is white. Jeez do I have to do everything myself?!”

Husband: “Don’t waste your time. The pair upstairs is exactly the same.”

What's the difference between a old sock and a coffee filter?

Well, if you don't know it, I'll never get coffee at your place.

Socks

After visiting family I flew home. Later I had this exchange.
Aunt: You left a sock behind. I can’t tell if it’s the left or right sock. *laughs*
Me: Yup. It’s the left sock.
Aunt: *stunned* How can you tell if it’s left or right?
Me: it’s the sock I left...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong socks this morning.

I usually don’t wear these socks out in public...

They’re not for goin out, they’re for coming in.

I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

How did the socks feel when they were taken off at the end of the day?

Defeeted!

What kind of socks do bears wear?

They don’t, they go bear foot.

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What does a mineralogist call his cum sock?

Loadstone

One sock turned to the other

Left: knock knock

Right: Who's there?

Left: we live in a shh

Right: we live in a shh who?

Left: yes we do, right. Yes we do.

Guy 1: Do your sock have a hole in it?

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: well howd you get your foot in it? *slaps knee*

How to kill a sock puppet that's planning to shoot up people?

disarm it

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army

because Fred wrote he had grown another foot.

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What’s 12 inches long, rock hard, full of semen and makes all the girls scream?

The crusty sock under my bed!

Why did the sperm go to class?

Because I wore the wrong socks today.

It makes sense that socks are always separating

Because one of them always has to be right, so the other one left

Which socks are the most illegal?

Stockings.

You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out?

That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today

Wore two pairs of socks to the golf course today

Just incase I got a hole in one.

Are those Golfing Socks?

Because; there's a hole in one.

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Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."


I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

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My wife caught me with a sock on my cock. "What are you doing? That's not a foot, you dirty bastard!" she screamed.

"It's damn near 11 inches!" I yelled back.

I don't get the idea behind Fap-socks.

When I have a Fap, I do it barefoot.

I went on a date with a dyslexic girl, and

she ended up cooking my sock.

Children are like socks

Alot of them go missing.

When I took my shoes off, my grandad asked me if I was wearing golfing socks...

because there’s a hole in one....

What makes a sock depressed?

de feet

A bilingual joke! (English/Spanish)

A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can't find what he's looking for and he doesn't know the English word for it.

So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says...

I’ve just brought a dyslexic girl home

She cooked my sock

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I was playing Hangman with a friend...

...and he threw at me what he said was a truly challenging word - a proper noun no less! Said it was someone who was all over the news a lot as of late. All I had to go on were an i and a couple e's. Not a lot of *ease* that *I* could really glean from that! Now, I was sipping some tea at the time, ...

An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

The pain of losing a sock is....

unpairable.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

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My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks every time we have sex.

I said, “Fine. I’ll try a condom from now on.”

“Your mother cooks socks in hell.”

~The Dyslexorcist

Cook My Sock

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.


"What are you doing?" he asks.


"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she r...

A 4.0 Student

Was taking an ornithology course in college. The course was known for being very rigorous and challenging, but the student was confident in his abilities. Just before the final exam, the professor assigned a hefty amount of homework, due before the day of the exam. The student was able to finish the...

And then the sock said...

That’s not a foot!

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.

My buddy stuffed socks down his pants to impress women, but it didn’t work.

I need to tell him to move it to the front of the pants the next time around.

I'm not afraid of taking off my socks

I just get cold feet.

My wife found my hard sock in the laundry.

She winked at me and said "Have you been using cornstarch?"

I said "No, it's just my Johnson's baby powder."

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A young newlywed couple finally makes it back to the honeymoon suite.

As they started to undress, the groom takes off his socks and the bride sees these huge gnarly growths on the groom's toes. She asks him what they were.
Groom says "When I was little I had a case of tolio." Bride says, "Don't you mean polio?". "Nope, tolio" he replied.

Then he takes off ...

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away mice. Unfortunately, the cat wasn't fixed...

The owner of a fruit stand decides to buy a cat to keep away the mice. Unfortunately, the cat was never fixed, and would hump random objects. The owner tolerates this misbehavior because the cat is just so cute. It's black with white feet, and looks like its wearing little socks.

A customer s...

5 kids wanted to get into a fraternity

Alex and his 4 friends wanted to get into a fraternity. So they went to the leader and asked him how they could get in. The fraternity leader told them that if they wanted to join his fraternity they would have to stand in a line and all get socked in the face. So they all stood in a line and waited...

I went to the store to buy some socks..

I had gotten a pair a really liked a few weeks back. I looked all over and could not find them.

I did not know the sock market could change so much.

My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I sleep with socks, so I made a resolution to sleep barefoot.

After the first night I got cold feet.

Why did the bear put on some socks?

Because it was bear-foot

Source: my little sister

Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation?

I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000

What do you call someone that likes to mix and match their socks?

Heterosocksual

...knitting blonde

...cop see's a blonde knitting whilst driving her sports car.

...he draws along side her shouting "Pullover".

...**blonde:** "...nope they're socks..."

What's the difference between my kids and my socks?

Unfortunately, only my socks have gone missing.

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A man and woman were about to "get it on"

He starts to take his shoes and socks off when she cries out,

"Oh shit,what happened to your feet?"

He replies,"Oh that.I had tolio."

"You mean polio don't you?"

"No.It just infected my toes."

Thinking nothing of it he begins taking off his pants.

"Oh my,Wha...

Looking out of the window I saw a neighbour stealing my socks off the washing line

I was going to confront him but I got cold feet

What does a pair of dirty socks have in common with a land war in Asia?

The stench of de feet.

My dog got into my sock drawer today...

I had to re-pair all my socks.

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A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

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[OC] I knew a guy who had a really weird ritual with his socks.

Once a month or so, he'd set aside a few hours to do this crazy thing with his socks. He'd take a pair he'd been wearing for a while, and lay them out on the bed next to each other. Then he'd take one of them, and put it on. Then he'd walk over to his dresser, open his sock door, and pull a single s...

I discovered that my socks exhibit quantum entanglement.

As soon as I put on my left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa, regardless of the distance between them.

Stirring the Sauce

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs."Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his ch...

Borrowed a pair of my stepdad’s socks the other day

He said to be careful as they were his lucky golfing socks.

“They have a hole in one.”

How are the Titanic and my socks alike?

They're both full of dead seamen

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I recently let a friend masturbate in my bedroom....

Got my sock cucked!

Why did the golfer buy two pairs of socks?

He was afraid he'd get a hole in one

^^^^I'll ^^^^see ^^^^myself ^^^^out

Going to my son’s room is like going to IKEA

I just go to have a look and I come out with 6 glasses, 2 plates, 3 towels and a ton of socks.

How many inches can you fit in a sock?

One foot.

Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of socks to the Masters?

Just in case he got a hole in one

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When I was a kid, my mom always used to tell me to put a clean pair of socks on, everyday...

By the time Saturday rolled around, I could hardly even fit in my shoes...

There must be something wrong with my dryer..

I threw six socks in and got six socks back.

What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?

Gee, you knit?

Why did I take my children to work today?

I wore the wrong sock.

Went golfing with a buddy, and I asked him why he brought an extra pair of socks.

He said, "In case I get a hole in one."

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A Newly Married Couple...

A newly married couple leaves their wedding and heads back to their room. They’re deeply religious and have never seen each other naked before.

Getting to the room, they start taking their clothes off.

Upon taking his socks and shoes off, the woman notices that his toes are severely di...

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If there's a sock on my doorknob...

It means I'm having sex with the other one.

I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

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