Do your socks have holes in them?

No?

Then how did you get your feet in them?!!

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

[blonde] A brunette was doing her laundry and asked her blonde friend to find a match for her sock.

"Why" the blonde asked. "Are you going to set in on fire?

You know the clothing company Puma? They make Puma shirts, Puma socks...

I wonder why they don't make pants

What's the difference between a sock and a camera?

Dam. You seriously don't know?

Here's an offer. For every sock you lose,

DOBBY IS FREE!

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

My socks wearing out early really screwed me

Well, fair is fair

Took my socks off earlier and saw a battalion of soldiers taking cover between my toes

Trench foot again.

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

Why do golfers wear two pairs of socks ?

In case they get a hole in one !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I built a tent out of jizz socks in my bedroom.

It's my cum-fort zone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.

"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.

"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.

"Don't you mean Polio?"

"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not w...

What did one sock puppet say to another?

You look like you could use a hand.

My girlfriend really wanted to take her socks off...

...but then she got cold feet

Why did the sperm cross the road

Because I wore the wrong pair of socks today

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

Aging Realities

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The...

I’ve been getting into trading socks recently

You know, the ones on Wool Street.

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

Where do Swedish Socks Live?

In the Sockholm.

I always wondered why all my socks had holes on the left foot.

All this time I haven't been putting them on right.

My gym teacher told me that I cannot wear any religious socks ..

He said, "Do not bring your holy socks to class"

What do you call a faceless sock puppet?

A mitten.

What did the early inhabitants of modern day England do every morning?

They put their socks-on.

Because of Saxons... didn’t really know how to do this one but I tried.

First baby asks second baby “Are you a boy baby or a girl baby?”

Second baby “I don’t know...”
First baby “ Let me look.” Dives under second baby’s blanket and comes up red faced and says “You’re a boy baby!”
Second baby “How can you tell?”
First baby (triumphantly) “You have blue socks!”

Why can't anyone photograph grizzlies wearing shoes or socks?

Because they have bear feet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Italian Wedding Night

**Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.**


**Her mother reassured her;**


**'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

How many socks does a mathematician have?

2n-1

I like my friends like I like my socks.....

Hard as a rock and 8 inches inside of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two long time friends decide it’s finally time to go on that hike through the alps they’ve always wanted to

One week into the trek, the first guy starts complaining about his feet, “they’re just so cold!” He says.
His buddy tells him that when his feet are cold he just makes sure that he rubs them bare feet by the fire every night before putting his socks on and going to bed.
His friends thanks him,...

I walk around like everything is fine

I walk around, with a smile on my face, like everything is fine. But deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is slipping off

Dad’s advice some years ago; “If you get into a fight in the pub, put a snooker ball in your sock.”

Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk!

I’m stone faced.

I may not show it all the time but deep down


...in my shoe...


my sock is sliding off my foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

So I stole a bunch of my brother’s socks.

After my brother found out, he put all of his socks on a very high shelf. Why did he do that? Well it’s beyond me.

As I was checking out at the local grocery store..

the clerk said, "Strip down, facing me". I was down to my socks before I realized she was talking about my credit card..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

I like my socks to be athiests.

That way I know they're not holy.

Stable hand asks his boss: What does it mean that i found a horseshoe in front of the stables this morning?

His boss answers: Means that one of our horses ran off in his socks again!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why’d the man jack off into his sock?

He wanted to get off on the right foot!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Love at first sight

A guy and woman were sitting in a bar, their eyes met from across the room and it was love at first sight. They stood up together and approached each other. After a few drinks the man said "I know this is crazy but lets get married". The woman responded with "It is crazy but i was thinking the exact...

Socks

After visiting family I flew home. Later I had this exchange.
Aunt: You left a sock behind. I can’t tell if it’s the left or right sock. *laughs*
Me: Yup. It’s the left sock.
Aunt: *stunned* How can you tell if it’s left or right?
Me: it’s the sock I left...

My new dryer was making this funny sound...

Then I put a sock in it.

[OC] What did the sock say to the ripped sock?

Socks to be you

What's the difference between a old sock and a coffee filter?

Well, if you don't know it, I'll never get coffee at your place.

A Newly-Wed couple is in their hotel room, ready to consummate the marriage...

... the groom sits on the edge of the bed and takes off his socks. His new bride looks at his feet and says, "Woah! What in the world happened to your feet!?"

"Oh that.. when I was young I contracted toelio!" he replies.

"Toelio!?" she exclaims, "you mean POLio right?"

"Nope, ...

I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

What kind of socks do bears wear?

They don’t, they go bear foot.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

How did the socks feel when they were taken off at the end of the day?

Defeeted!

One sock turned to the other

Left: knock knock

Right: Who's there?

Left: we live in a shh

Right: we live in a shh who?

Left: yes we do, right. Yes we do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a mineralogist call his cum sock?

Loadstone

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath....throw the washing in”

However, the guy on the next table said, “My brother is epileptic and had a fit in the bath, and died."

If the ground could have swallowed me up I'd of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?"

He said, "No, he choked on a sock"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A veteran of the Iraq Wars returns home after losing an eye to IED

Due to supply issues a realistic glass eye has to be ordered and is many months away so in the interim the doctor gives him a polished wooden eye . He’s very sensitive about it, so he doesn’t get out much. despite the cajoling of his friends, colleagues and total strangers.

One day, he sees a...

If Trump is Putin's puppet why can't you see the strings?

Because he is a sock puppet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy was taking a math test in class...

The first question was 3+2.

Timmy used his fingers and counted 5. Easy enough.

For the next question, it was 5+6.

Timmy realized he did not have enough fingers so he asked his classmate,

“Hey, can I borrow your fingers to do this question?”

The teacher immediatel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend called me a cunt because i always buy him socks for Xmas

I said, " You bastard, its the thought that counts".

I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

Two guys are in a bar...

‪Two guys are in a bar:‬

‪#1: “How do you attract all the ladies? What’s your secret?”‬

‪#2: “Before I arrive at the bar, I stuff a big sock down my pants.”‬

‪#1: “Thanks, I’ll try that.”‬

‪Next meeting...‬

‪#1: “The ladies just screamed and ran.”‬

‪#2: “N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] I was planning to buy a SUV for while. My birthday arrived and my wife said "Surprise, I got you SUV"

Elated I jumped "wow honey, you are the best....cant wait to go out and check it out!"

She said "No need. Its in the bag here. Socks Underwear & Viagra"

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about the...

“Honeyyyy, on your way down can you bring me down a pair of socks please?”

Husband: “Sure no problem!”

Wife: “Thanks! Ermmmm...babe, one of these socks is black and the other is white. Jeez do I have to do everything myself?!”

Husband: “Don’t waste your time. The pair upstairs is exactly the same.”

Guy 1: Do your sock have a hole in it?

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: well howd you get your foot in it? *slaps knee*

I went to the doctor for a complete physical

He asked for a urine, blood, stool and a sperm sample. So I gave him my underware......and a sock

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy

so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks every time we have sex.

I said, “Fine. I’ll try a condom from now on.”

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army

because Fred wrote he had grown another foot.

I usually don’t wear these socks out in public...

They’re not for goin out, they’re for coming in.

The pain of losing a sock is....

unpairable.

My buddy stuffed socks down his pants to impress women, but it didn’t work.

I need to tell him to move it to the front of the pants the next time around.

The arguments between the "pro-mask" and "anti-mask" groups is really intense! People are even PRACTICING their arguments at home first.

Just yesterday I heard a 14 y/o boy tell his friend that at home he mask debates into a sock!

How to kill a sock puppet that's planning to shoot up people?

disarm it

You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out?

That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today

What makes a sock depressed?

de feet

A guy gets a job driving the Sesame Street bus...

It's his first day on the bus, and he's sitting at the stop and a little girl gets on and says "My name is Pat, and I'm fat."

So, he shrugs his shoulders, says hi, and tells her to take a seat.

The next little girl gets on the bus, and says "My name's Patricia, and I'm obese".

H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife caught me with a sock on my cock. "What are you doing? That's not a foot, you dirty bastard!" she screamed.

"It's damn near 11 inches!" I yelled back.

Children are like socks

Alot of them go missing.

Which socks are the most illegal?

Stockings.

Cook My Sock

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.


"What are you doing?" he asks.


"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johhny asks his teacher for help getting his shoes on

From the get go it is a struggle to get them on, and when his teacher reached the second shoe she is already out of breath. When she finally manages to get the second shoe on, Johhny looks at her and through his only four teeth says: "Mith, I think my feet are the wrong way round". She looks down an...

Wore two pairs of socks to the golf course today

Just incase I got a hole in one.

I discovered that my socks exhibit quantum entanglement.

As soon as I put on my left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa, regardless of the distance between them.

When I took my shoes off, my grandad asked me if I was wearing golfing socks...

because there’s a hole in one....

Two babies are laying in the nursery

One says:
-I'm a boy.
The other one asks:
-How do you know?
1st one replies:
-When the nurse leaves I will show you.
The nurse leaves shortly and the baby lifts up his blanket and says:
-See, I have blue socks on.

What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?

Gee, you knit?

I went to the store to buy some socks..

I had gotten a pair a really liked a few weeks back. I looked all over and could not find them.

I did not know the sock market could change so much.

I don't get the idea behind Fap-socks.

When I have a Fap, I do it barefoot.

What's the difference between my kids and my socks?

Unfortunately, only my socks have gone missing.

What do you call someone that likes to mix and match their socks?

Heterosocksual

I can’t tell blacks apart...

Yeah, they just all look alike whenever I open my sock drawer.

I'm not afraid of taking off my socks

I just get cold feet.

I gently slid her panties to the left...

So that I could fit the rest of the socks in the drawer

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