This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

why did the man cum inside the sock

he wanted step kids

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

One takes photos -

- the other takes five toes.

Why do golfers always bring a spare pare of socks

Incase they get a hole in one

I never wear golf socks.

They've always got a hole in one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

After bombing on stage, the comedian saw audience members waiting for a turn to sock him in the face.

Finally, he had a real punchline.

newlyweds.

A couple gets married and go on a honeymoon, they get to the hotel and go up to their room. They start to get ready for bed.

They had never seen each other naked, so, he stood in from of her and took off his trousers, both of his knees are twisted and scarred.

She asked him “what happe...

He gently slid her panties to one side...

...so the rest of her socks would fit in the drawer.

My GF told me my foot fetish isn't because I love her feet

It's because my first crush was my sock

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

Our teenage boy just volunteered to do his own laundry for the first time…

I guess he doesn’t want mom to touch his socks.

A husband decided to pull a joke on his wife and texted her saying 'it's not cheating if I leave my socks on is it ?'

She texted back saying 'no hon it's not, I do it all the time'

What do you call it when someone is wearing socks and sandals?

Sandalism

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy says there is two things he hates, wet socks and dry pussy

Other guy says just put the socks in there

I recently came into some money.

Moral of the story: keep your money sock away from the rest

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He needed some arrr and arrr.

What's a pirates favorite sock?

Arrr-gyle.

What's a pirate's favorite shooting sport?

Arrr-chery.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Ceee.

How long should socks be?

Twelve inches, so you can fit in one foot!

A Joke for any feet in the audience

Sock Sock

Shoe's there

What do sock puppets eat?

Finger foods

Random insightful life (by Bob Gray)

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I made the mistake of masturbating without a tissue or a sock nearby

I should have known that would cum in handy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A door-to-door salesman rings the doorbell

A little ten year-old boy answers and opens the door, but he is standing there wearing a bra stuffed with socks, wearing a pair of panties and has cigar hang from his lips.

The salesman looking a bit befuddled asks, "Is mommy or daddy home?"

The little boy answers, "What the fuck do yo...

A man and a woman met in a bar.

They got along pretty well and decided to go to her place and have a drink.

After a couple of wines, the man took off his shirt and washed his hands.
Then he took off his socks and washed his hands again.

The woman looked at him and said:
"Hey, you must be a dentist."

Dumb...

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

A successful sock business

Kai Fu had a very successful business selling clothing, but especially the company’s socks were very popular.

One day he met a wonderful woman named Jane King.

She got more involved in the business and it became more successful than ever.

Kai Fu was happy for the success of his ...

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl broke his leg, and his buddy Nick came over to see him.

Nick said, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Carl said, “actually, my feet are fucking freezing. Do me a favor, run upstairs and get some socks.”

Nick went upstairs. Not having been there before, he opened the wrong bedroom door and saw Carl's gorgeous 19-year old twin sisters lyin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surprise test.

Teacher comes in to class and says there is a surprise test today and picks Jason for first question.

Teacher: Jason, you're going in a bus and it gets too hot. What do you do ?

Jason: I open the window.

Teacher : what's the speed of wind enters from window ?

Jason : ...

The Italian bride

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage. It's the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don't have much money so this is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cum sock on New Years day?

A blast from the past!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The virgin bride

A nice Italian girl got married. The had their honeymoon in the brides parents house. When the time came for bed, they went upstairs to her room. The groom proceeded to take off his coat and shirt. He was extremely hairy.

The bride rushed from the room and down to her mother.

"Ma...

Got a hole in my sock today.

Darn it.

You know the clothing company Puma? They make Puma shirts, Puma socks...

I wonder why they don't make pants

Here's an offer. For every sock you lose,

DOBBY IS FREE!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home visibly irritated.

His wife notices and asks if something is wrong.

He shakes his head.

"C'mon. Talk to me" she says.

He takes a moment to steady himself. "It's just that..." he pauses again, and takes a deep breathe. "Well, first of all, last night when you were telling me about your day?"
...

Where do ancient Greek philosophers keep their wooly foot warmers?

Sock-crates.

heres another corny joke

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I built a tent out of jizz socks in my bedroom.

It's my cum-fort zone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chance to escape Hell

The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have se...

[blonde] A brunette was doing her laundry and asked her blonde friend to find a match for her sock.

"Why" the blonde asked. "Are you going to set in on fire?

I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend called me a cunt because i always buy him socks for Xmas

I said, " You bastard, its the thought that counts".

I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

My gym teacher told me that I cannot wear any religious socks ..

He said, "Do not bring your holy socks to class"

Why can't anyone photograph grizzlies wearing shoes or socks?

Because they have bear feet

What do you call a faceless sock puppet?

A mitten.

My kids asked me what it's like to be a mother.

So i woke them up at 5am to tell them my sock fell off.

Where do Swedish Socks Live?

In the Sockholm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I *suppose* a condom would be better...

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

What did one sock puppet say to another?

You look like you could use a hand.

My girlfriend really wanted to take her socks off...

...but then she got cold feet

I’ve been getting into trading socks recently

You know, the ones on Wool Street.

I like my friends like I like my socks.....

Hard as a rock and 8 inches inside of me.

How many socks does a mathematician have?

2n-1

What kind of socks do bears wear?

They don’t, they go bear foot.

I like my socks to be athiests.

That way I know they're not holy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just a slip of the tongue

A guy boards the flight and looks over at his row mate to see they have something in common and strikes up a conversation-

Guy 1 - Wow, what a coincidence. We both have a black eye!

Guy 2 - Yeah, it was really just a slip of the tongue. I was at the ticket counter and the woman behind ...

[LONG] A Man walks into a bar.

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

One sock turned to the other

Left: knock knock

Right: Who's there?

Left: we live in a shh

Right: we live in a shh who?

Left: yes we do, right. Yes we do.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

Do I need to wear socks when I have a shoe

bless me, when I have athletes foot?

Socks

After visiting family I flew home. Later I had this exchange.
Aunt: You left a sock behind. I can’t tell if it’s the left or right sock. *laughs*
Me: Yup. It’s the left sock.
Aunt: *stunned* How can you tell if it’s left or right?
Me: it’s the sock I left...

It makes sense that socks are always separating

Because one of them always has to be right, so the other one left

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man pays 25 dollars for a lady of the night…

They go to a motel room and the man starts to undress. First he peels of his socks.
“What’s wrong with your toes” the prostitute asks after seeing his mangled, disgusting feet.
“When I was a kid I got toelio”
“Don’t you mean polio?”
“No, toelio”
The man continues to undress and then t...

I’m tired of losing my socks...

...to puppetry.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

How did the socks feel when they were taken off at the end of the day?

Defeeted!

Dad’s advice some years ago; “If you get into a fight in the pub, put a snooker ball in your sock.”

Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk!

What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?

Gee, you knit?

I discovered that my socks exhibit quantum entanglement.

As soon as I put on my left sock, the other sock immediately becomes the right sock, and vice versa, regardless of the distance between them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbours are complaining about my loud groans during sex in the mornings.If . . .

they only knew its me putting my socks on!

A Construction joke,

This Guy lives in a bad neighborhood and every night, when he walks home, he grabs a couple of cobblestones in each hand, for protection from thieves and muggers....

After some time, there is a pile of cobblestones outside his home...

His Contractor neighbor notices and asks, "What's ...

The pain of losing a sock is....

unpairable.

[OC] What did the sock say to the ripped sock?

Socks to be you

I usually don’t wear these socks out in public...

They’re not for goin out, they’re for coming in.

Children are like socks

Alot of them go missing.

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army

because Fred wrote he had grown another foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why’d the man jack off into his sock?

He wanted to get off on the right foot!

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the similarity between Santa's presents and a horny virgin?

They both come in socks.

What makes a sock depressed?

de feet

Which socks are the most illegal?

Stockings.

Guy 1: Do your sock have a hole in it?

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: well howd you get your foot in it? *slaps knee*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man requested a female painter to paint him in the nude.

"No" the talented artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to...

What's the difference between my kids and my socks?

Unfortunately, only my socks have gone missing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife caught me with a sock on my cock. "What are you doing? That's not a foot, you dirty bastard!" she screamed.

"It's damn near 11 inches!" I yelled back.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.