One sock turned to the other

Left: knock knock

Right: Who's there?

Left: we live in a shh

Right: we live in a shh who?

Left: yes we do, right. Yes we do.

Socks

After visiting family I flew home. Later I had this exchange.
Aunt: You left a sock behind. I can’t tell if it’s the left or right sock. *laughs*
Me: Yup. It’s the left sock.
Aunt: *stunned* How can you tell if it’s left or right?
Me: it’s the sock I left...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife caught me with a sock on my cock. "What are you doing? That's not a foot, you dirty bastard!" she screamed.

"It's damn near 11 inches!" I yelled back.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

Going to my son’s room is like going to IKEA

I just go to have a look and I come out with 6 glasses, 2 plates, 3 towels and a ton of socks.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

I usually don’t wear these socks out in public...

They’re not for goin out, they’re for coming in.

How to kill a sock puppet that's planning to shoot up people?

disarm it

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army

because Fred wrote he had grown another foot.

It makes sense that socks are always separating

Because one of them always has to be right, so the other one left

Which socks are the most illegal?

Stockings.

Wore two pairs of socks to the golf course today

Just incase I got a hole in one.

You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out?

That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put the wrong socks on this morning.

Are those Golfing Socks?

Because; there's a hole in one.

Why did I take my children to work today?

I wore the wrong sock.

What makes a sock depressed?

de feet

Children are like socks

Alot of them go missing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."


I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

I'm not afraid of taking off my socks

I just get cold feet.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

The pain of losing a sock is....

unpairable.

And then the sock said...

That’s not a foot!

Cook My Sock

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.


"What are you doing?" he asks.


"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks every time we have sex.

I said, “Fine. I’ll try a condom from now on.”

I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

“Your mother cooks socks in hell.”

~The Dyslexorcist

My buddy stuffed socks down his pants to impress women, but it didn’t work.

I need to tell him to move it to the front of the pants the next time around.

My wife found my hard sock in the laundry.

She winked at me and said "Have you been using cornstarch?"

I said "No, it's just my Johnson's baby powder."

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

Why did the bear put on some socks?

Because it was bear-foot

Source: my little sister

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.

I lost the election to a pair of socks.

I can taste defeat.

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,

"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s another way to refer to a sock?

A sementery.

What do you call someone that likes to mix and match their socks?

Heterosocksual

I went to the store to buy some socks..

I had gotten a pair a really liked a few weeks back. I looked all over and could not find them.

I did not know the sock market could change so much.

My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I sleep with socks, so I made a resolution to sleep barefoot.

After the first night I got cold feet.

My dog got into my sock drawer today...

I had to re-pair all my socks.

What's the difference between my kids and my socks?

Unfortunately, only my socks have gone missing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] I knew a guy who had a really weird ritual with his socks.

Once a month or so, he'd set aside a few hours to do this crazy thing with his socks. He'd take a pair he'd been wearing for a while, and lay them out on the bed next to each other. Then he'd take one of them, and put it on. Then he'd walk over to his dresser, open his sock door, and pull a single s...

How are the Titanic and my socks alike?

They're both full of dead seamen

Borrowed a pair of my stepdad’s socks the other day

He said to be careful as they were his lucky golfing socks.

“They have a hole in one.”

Looking out of the window I saw a neighbour stealing my socks off the washing line

I was going to confront him but I got cold feet

My girlfriend asked me if I bring an extra pair of socks when I play golf.

With a confused look I replied, "No."
She said "What happens if you get a hole in one?"

A bilingual joke! (English/Spanish)

A Spanish man goes into a department store looking for a specific item of clothing. But he can't find what he's looking for and he doesn't know the English word for it.

So he grabs a salesperson and says, "Tienes calcetines?"

"I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," the salesperson says...

Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of socks to the Masters?

Just in case he got a hole in one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid, my mom always used to tell me to put a clean pair of socks on, everyday...

By the time Saturday rolled around, I could hardly even fit in my shoes...

How many inches can you fit in a sock?

One foot.

Why did the golfer buy two pairs of socks?

He was afraid he'd get a hole in one

^^^^I'll ^^^^see ^^^^myself ^^^^out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room...

and while putting his clothes away notices some BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Little Johhny's mother waits till her husband gets home and shows him the magazines.

Mother: I don't want this smut in my house, how are we going to punish him?
Father: I h...

What colour is a bear's socks?

They don't wear socks. They have bear feet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a girl

"Can I smell your pussy?"

She said "No!!"

Must have been her socks then.

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?

Gee, you knit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there's a sock on my doorknob...

It means I'm having sex with the other one.

Your guy didn't know any puns about colourful, diamond patterned socks.

But argyle know some.

Socks are expensive.

I can go on a date or I can buy a pack of socks. I was going to ask this girl out, but then I got cold feet.

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