UPJOKE
shoefootbootsandalanklecottonwoolnylonbonksweatbashbopdroguewhapwhop

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why did the man cum inside the sock

he wanted step kids

My sock collection is by far the best

It is simply unmatched

I dropped an ice cube next to the freezer. It melted and got my sock wet the next time I went to the kitchen.

I was mad at first, but now it's mostly water under the fridge.

Your sock has a hole in it.

I know. How do you think I got my foot in it.

What's the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos and a sock takes 5 toes.

Here's an offer. For every sock you lose,

DOBBY IS FREE!

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?"

"In case they get a hole in one!"

What did the seamstress say and do when she noticed a hole in her sock?

Darn

Remember if you lose a sock in the dryer....

....it comes back as a Tupperware lid, that doesn't fit any of your containers.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

I put the wrong sock on this morning

What did the foot say to the sock that was about to enter a race?

You're a shoe in

Let me explain

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look...

A successful sock business

Kai Fu had a very successful business selling clothing, but especially the company’s socks were very popular.

One day he met a wonderful woman named Jane King.

She got more involved in the business and it became more successful than ever.

Kai Fu was happy for the success of his ...

A Spanish speaking man walks into a clothing store looking to buy some socks

He found his way to the menswear department where a sales clerk offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sales clerk.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Wel...

What did the socks say to the pants?

Wassup, britches?

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

My feet are toasty, but I think my wife has a hearing problem...

After all, I'm not asking for socks every night

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Today I made the mistake of masturbating without a tissue or a sock nearby

I should have known that would cum in handy

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What school do men attend, to learn how to masturbate?

The school of hard socks.

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Halloween party

Bob decides to throw a costume party for Halloween. He has an excellent turnout and the party is packed wall to wall. Everyone is dressed up... well almost everyone. Bob sees his co-worker George across the party just wearing a pair of jeans, no shirt shoes or socks, just jeans. So Bob decides to co...

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

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My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see?

He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're twins! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting, but I ignored this and I went up to my friend's room,



“How are you mate?” I said.



“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my ...

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologized. The guy got up to get off, and said, "he ch...

The ring leader hired the best safe cracker for their bank job...

In criminal circles he was known to crack any safe and the police never caught him. When the day of the heist came, they entered the bank, secured the building, corralled the hostages in the bank managers office and the safe cracker proceeded to the locked vault.

After a few quick inspection...

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I was in the pub last night telling my mate the joke about, “What would you do if an epileptic was having a fit in the bath...

...throw the washing in.” However, the bloke on the next table said, “My brother who is epileptic had a fit in the bath and died.” Fuck me. If the ground could have swallowed me up l’d of been happy. I said, “Sorry to hear that, mate. Did he drown?” He said, “No; he choked on a sock.”

What do sock puppets eat?

Finger foods

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I stand here today, in the grave of my unborn children...

or in other words, I accidentally put on the cum sock.

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What do you call a cum sock on New Years day?

A blast from the past!

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So, a young lady, who lived a sheltered life, is getting married...

Perturbed, she says to her mum, "Mum, I have never even been with a man. What do I do on the wedding night?"

The mum, not wanting to get into the messy details, says, "My angel, I know you'll figure it out. But, just in case, I'll stay downstairs and clean up after the party, while you go ups...

Met a dyslexic woman last night in a club ending up taking her home.

She ended up cooking my sock.

I never wear golf socks.

They've always got a hole in one.

Two well-dressed senior women are riding the downtown 1 subway line in Manhattan…

When the train pulls into the Times Square station, a man, completely naked except for his socks, boards and sits directly opposite the women and begins to man-splay.

One of the women begins to snicker, which makes her friend very frightened. She gently elbows her friend to get her to stop, l...

2 thiefs try to rob a nun

One of them is holding the nun at gunpoint while the other grabs the nun.

Robber: Give us all your money!

Nun: I don't have any, I am just a nun and gave it all to the poor.

R: Pat her down, I am sure she has something.

The partner does not find anything.

R: Check ...

What do you call it when someone is wearing socks and sandals?

Sandalism

What did one sock puppet say to another?

You look like you could use a hand.

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

[blonde] A brunette was doing her laundry and asked her blonde friend to find a match for her sock.

"Why" the blonde asked. "Are you going to set in on fire?

What do you call a faceless sock puppet?

A mitten.

A husband decided to pull a joke on his wife and texted her saying 'it's not cheating if I leave my socks on is it ?'

She texted back saying 'no hon it's not, I do it all the time'

“He gently slid her panties to the side

so he could fit the rest of the socks in her drawer.”

**A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.**

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood the ...

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Guy says there is two things he hates, wet socks and dry pussy

Other guy says just put the socks in there

The pain of losing a sock is....

unpairable.

[OC] What did the sock say to the ripped sock?

Socks to be you

One sock turned to the other

Left: knock knock

Right: Who's there?

Left: we live in a shh

Right: we live in a shh who?

Left: yes we do, right. Yes we do.

How long should socks be?

Twelve inches, so you can fit in one foot!

Dad’s advice some years ago; “If you get into a fight in the pub, put a snooker ball in your sock.”

Worst advice ever, I could hardly walk!

[Bad joke] The other day my sister asked me what the difference between cellular division and a sock is

To which I replied 'Nothing, they both involve mitosis'

What makes a sock depressed?

de feet

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Why’d the man jack off into his sock?

He wanted to get off on the right foot!

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If there's a sock on my doorknob...

It means I'm having sex with the other one.

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My friend called me a cunt because i always buy him socks for Xmas

I said, " You bastard, its the thought that counts".

I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs

How to kill a sock puppet that's planning to shoot up people?

disarm it

My GF told me my foot fetish isn't because I love her feet

It's because my first crush was my sock

You know the clothing company Puma? They make Puma shirts, Puma socks...

I wonder why they don't make pants

Guy 1: Do your sock have a hole in it?

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: well howd you get your foot in it? *slaps knee*

I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

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I built a tent out of jizz socks in my bedroom.

It's my cum-fort zone.

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My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I *suppose* a condom would be better...

My 8 year old brother just asked me if I had a hole in my sock.

Me: Of course not

Him: Then how do you put your foot inside?

What does a sock taste like?

Defeat

A young couple were on their honeymoon.

The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub, saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I have got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink?

I have managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she is bound to find out sooner or later that my ...

I recently came into some money.

Moral of the story: keep your money sock away from the rest

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My wife caught me with a sock on my cock. "What are you doing? That's not a foot, you dirty bastard!" she screamed.

"It's damn near 11 inches!" I yelled back.

I attacked a stranger with a sock full of dead AAA Duracells

Kind of ironic that I was charged with battery

My dog got into my sock drawer today...

I had to re-pair all my socks.

Why can't anyone photograph grizzlies wearing shoes or socks?

Because they have bear feet

Sock it to Me

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his n...

I like my friends like I like my socks.....

Hard as a rock and 8 inches inside of me.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

My gym teacher told me that I cannot wear any religious socks ..

He said, "Do not bring your holy socks to class"

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I was cumming into a sock...

when the guy wearing it was like WTF?!

Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He needed some arrr and arrr.

What's a pirates favorite sock?

Arrr-gyle.

What's a pirate's favorite shooting sport?

Arrr-chery.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Ceee.

newlyweds.

A couple gets married and go on a honeymoon, they get to the hotel and go up to their room. They start to get ready for bed.

They had never seen each other naked, so, he stood in from of her and took off his trousers, both of his knees are twisted and scarred.

She asked him “what happe...

I’ve been getting into trading socks recently

You know, the ones on Wool Street.

What kind of socks do bears wear?

They don’t, they go bear foot.

How many socks does a mathematician have?

2n-1

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