What kind of socks do bears wear?

They don’t, they go bear foot.

I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

I went on a date with a dyslexic girl, and

she ended up cooking my sock.

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because Scott put on the wrong socks this morning.

What's the difference between a old sock and a coffee filter?

Well, if you don't know it, I'll never get coffee at your place.

Guy 1: Do your sock have a hole in it?

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: well howd you get your foot in it? *slaps knee*

Socks

After visiting family I flew home. Later I had this exchange.
Aunt: You left a sock behind. I can’t tell if it’s the left or right sock. *laughs*
Me: Yup. It’s the left sock.
Aunt: *stunned* How can you tell if it’s left or right?
Me: it’s the sock I left...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife caught me with a sock on my cock. "What are you doing? That's not a foot, you dirty bastard!" she screamed.

"It's damn near 11 inches!" I yelled back.

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army

because Fred wrote he had grown another foot.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

How to kill a sock puppet that's planning to shoot up people?

disarm it

I usually don’t wear these socks out in public...

They’re not for goin out, they’re for coming in.

Going to my son’s room is like going to IKEA

I just go to have a look and I come out with 6 glasses, 2 plates, 3 towels and a ton of socks.

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

One sock turned to the other

Left: knock knock

Right: Who's there?

Left: we live in a shh

Right: we live in a shh who?

Left: yes we do, right. Yes we do.

Are those Golfing Socks?

Because; there's a hole in one.

Why did I take my children to work today?

I wore the wrong sock.

Which socks are the most illegal?

Stockings.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

It makes sense that socks are always separating

Because one of them always has to be right, so the other one left

You know those socks with a hole in it, so one of your toes sticks out?

That’s the kind of underpants I’m wearing today

I just put my socks on the wrong feet.

Sorry stranger. But I probably wouldn't have been so confused if you weren't screaming about, "What sure you doing in my house?"

Wore two pairs of socks to the golf course today

Just incase I got a hole in one.

I don't get the idea behind Fap-socks.

When I have a Fap, I do it barefoot.

When I took my shoes off, my grandad asked me if I was wearing golfing socks...

because there’s a hole in one....

Children are like socks

Alot of them go missing.

What makes a sock depressed?

de feet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."


I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

The pain of losing a sock is....

unpairable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's 10 inches long, hard as a rock, full of semen and makes all of the ladies scream?

The sock under my bed.

“Your mother cooks socks in hell.”

~The Dyslexorcist

I gently slid her panties to the side...

....so I could fit her socks into the drawer

I'm not afraid of taking off my socks

I just get cold feet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks every time we have sex.

I said, “Fine. I’ll try a condom from now on.”

Cook My Sock

A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.


"What are you doing?" he asks.


"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she r...

My buddy stuffed socks down his pants to impress women, but it didn’t work.

I need to tell him to move it to the front of the pants the next time around.

I lost the election to a pair of socks.

I can taste defeat.

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

And then the sock said...

That’s not a foot!

Why did the bear put on some socks?

Because it was bear-foot

Source: my little sister

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.

My wife found my hard sock in the laundry.

She winked at me and said "Have you been using cornstarch?"

I said "No, it's just my Johnson's baby powder."

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other,

"Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your...

My girlfriend doesn’t like it when I sleep with socks, so I made a resolution to sleep barefoot.

After the first night I got cold feet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s another way to refer to a sock?

A sementery.

What do you call someone that likes to mix and match their socks?

Heterosocksual

Looking out of the window I saw a neighbour stealing my socks off the washing line

I was going to confront him but I got cold feet

My dog got into my sock drawer today...

I had to re-pair all my socks.

What's the difference between my kids and my socks?

Unfortunately, only my socks have gone missing.

What does a pair of dirty socks have in common with a land war in Asia?

The stench of de feet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] I knew a guy who had a really weird ritual with his socks.

Once a month or so, he'd set aside a few hours to do this crazy thing with his socks. He'd take a pair he'd been wearing for a while, and lay them out on the bed next to each other. Then he'd take one of them, and put it on. Then he'd walk over to his dresser, open his sock door, and pull a single s...

Borrowed a pair of my stepdad’s socks the other day

He said to be careful as they were his lucky golfing socks.

“They have a hole in one.”

Why did the golfer buy two pairs of socks?

He was afraid he'd get a hole in one

^^^^I'll ^^^^see ^^^^myself ^^^^out

Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of socks to the Masters?

Just in case he got a hole in one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room...

and while putting his clothes away notices some BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Little Johhny's mother waits till her husband gets home and shows him the magazines.

Mother: I don't want this smut in my house, how are we going to punish him?
Father: I h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid, my mom always used to tell me to put a clean pair of socks on, everyday...

By the time Saturday rolled around, I could hardly even fit in my shoes...

My girlfriend asked me if I bring an extra pair of socks when I play golf.

With a confused look I replied, "No."
She said "What happens if you get a hole in one?"

How many inches can you fit in a sock?

One foot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a girl

"Can I smell your pussy?"

She said "No!!"

Must have been her socks then.

What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks?

Gee, you knit?

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there's a sock on my doorknob...

It means I'm having sex with the other one.

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