People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

Why did Shakespeare use ink when he wrote his plays?

Because he couldn’t decide which pencil to use; 2B or not 2B.

My cousin said he "dips his pen into the company ink"

That carries some serious implications on the family farm.

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

That old woman in a fake fur coat who had ink thrown on her really had it coming!

Does she even know how many innocent fauxes have been murdered to make that coat?

I like people who have ink ribbon.

They're just my type.

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I always make women show me their boobs before I show them my body ink

You know the old tit for tat

They say invisible ink is making a comeback

I can't see it happening

Why was the ink drop sad

Because his mom went in the pen for a long sentence

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What kind of moves does 242 year old ink bust out on the dance floor?

Indapendance

Fucking crucify me

Why was the little ink drop crying?

His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

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A guy is being given an ink-blot test by a Psychiatrist ...

Shrink: Look at this shape and tell me what you think of.

Patient: Sex

Shrink: OK. And this one?

Patient: Sex

Shrink: And just one more. What does this represent to you?

Patient: Sex

Shrink: I think your problem is that you're obsessed with sex.
...

How did the ink kill itself?

I don’t know, he just dyed

Didja hear about the guy whose wife got trapped in a vatful of ink?

She dyed.

What did the valley girl say when her pen ran out of ink?

I LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN WRITE NOW

What ancient civilization had the best tattoos?

The Ink-ans

A Pig Named Ink

"Why did you name your pig Ink?"
"Because it kept running out of the pen."

A therapist holds up an ink picture...

Therapist: What do you see?
Me: A poor man with no future in life
Therapist:(Letting out a tear) I mean on the picture

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A prostitute went and got some new ink...

...but she didn't have enough money, so it was tit for tat.

I took a sip of what appears to be some sort of poisonous ink...

I dyed a little inside..

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The reel, the ink, and the booze

There was a company that sold a great variety of fishing equipment and supplies. One of their new products was a rod to be used out at sea, with a special reel mechanism to catch larger fish. Now, there was a new employee who was in charge of printing buyers' names onto the reel by hand and with a q...

Why is ink an unwise investment?

Because it's a dyeing industry.



- This is too obvious a joke to be original, but it came to me during my econ class, and so it's original to me!

What do horror movies and printer ink have in common?

The black one always dies first.

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I woke up, after a drunken night, with two tattoos on my dick, but one of them was done in regular pen ink.

So I rubbed one out.

I accidentally drank a bottle of ink.

The doctor says I'll be fine, but I feel as though I've dyed inside.

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[wife, watching the news] Some idiot was trying to fight a squid at the aquarium.

[me, covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick.

Two brothers, John, and Bob, live in America and are members of the communist party.

They decide to emigrate to the USSR.

Even though they don't believe the American media's negative reports on the living conditions, shortages and persecution in the USSR, they decide to exercise caution.

First, only John would go to Russia to test the waters. If, contrary to the medi...

Why was the ink happy?

Because it had its in-de-pen-dance.

I'm posting lots of really bad jokes tonight that just appear in my head, if just one person enjoys just one joke is worth it, good evening.

How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

When your writing becomes visible.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus ink

Tentickles

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A judge recently prosecuted a woman for flashing a man to get "new ink done"

It was a case of tit for tat

A Co-worker approached me and asked if I wanted to make some money on the side with him. I thought it was a good idea, until he took me back to see his printing press.

I mean, seriously - this thing was a mess and his ink was all wrong.

Why did the printer have wet ink?

Because it couldn't control P

I was a magician in Europe who specialised in doing magic with pens. In England, Germany, France, Hungary, Portugal and many other places I was adored by the people. But when I got to Spain no-one liked me.

I guess nobody expects the Spanish ink wizard shun.

“Great rewards come to those who wait.”

A young man, soon to be a father, is visiting his dad’s deathbed the month before his future child is to be due. His mother, having died years prior, left him distraught beyond comprehension.

The young man’s father, riddled with cancer, breathed his last few words to his only son before he mo...

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. ...

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There is a store in Spain that sells exquisite handmade writing instruments.

This store has all kinds of bespoke fountain pens and rollerball pens and even ball point pens. There are pens made of fine hard woods and precious metals inlaid with all kinds of gems. These pens are all handmade by artisans who have been in the business for generations.

But what really sets...

Do you guys remember Paul the Octopus?

The one who predicted Spain winning the World Cup some years ago?

Well, a friend of mine told me that if you get hit in the face with the ink of an octopus from there, you can see your future self and predict the future.

I called him out on it at first, but curiosity got the best of me...

What do you call a selfish pen?

Ink onsiderate

The EU just passed a new law and one member signed directly in the center of the document

No one expects the Spanish ink position.

Two American communists decide they would like to emigrate to the Soviet Union.

The two men, names Ron and John, did not trust the negative things they had heard about the USSR in the press, since they believed that was just capitalist propaganda meant to discredit communism. However, just to be sure, the men formulated a plan to investigate what the country was like personally...

A beautiful woman has a car accident.

I could tell you how it ends, but you'd be better off reading the version /u/H343now1 posted:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a\_rabbi\_and\_a\_priest\_get\_into\_a\_car\_accident\_and/?ref=share&ref\_source=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a_rabbi_and_...

How do you make a dark joke?

You write it in black ink.

Where did Frankenstein go to get his tattoo done?

Monsters Ink

Roman Numerals are very interesting... [LONG JOKE]

You turn on the radio one morning to find another one of those Rap songs where every 4th word is a swear. Naturally the Radio bleeps it out, but you realize that it sounds familiar. You realize that the rappers are speaking in Morse code.

Your eyes widen as you swerve over onto the shoulder ...

Octopus 1: "What should I do if I can't swim?"

Octopus 2: "Use ink if you can't float"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was installing an electric circuit in my house.

He said, 'Do you mind if I dip this thin metal thread into my coloured fluid?'

'Why the fuck would I care?' I asked.

He said, 'I'm only ink wiring.'

No one really expected my world language teacher to be so good at writing with a felt pen...

No one expects the Spanish Ink -precision

The Bard [Long]

Suzie was the teacher's pet - A's in every class. One day a stranger stood in front of the lecture hall for her writing course.
'Sorry students, your professor has been in a terrible accident and I will be leading this course for the remainder of the year.'
No problem - Suzie looked forward to...

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

Have you heard about the squid that's really good at his job?

The manager says he's an ink-redible employee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Mary goes up to her mom and says "Daddy said to tell you he needs to use your typewriter to write a letter...."

Mom smiles because she knows this is their secret code for sex. Unfortunately since she was on her period, she told little Mary: "Tell your daddy he can't use it because it only has red ink right now"

The next day, mom says: "Go tell daddy he can use my typewriter now". Little Mary runs off...

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Two Russians saw an advertisement for a job in Siberia.

Vladimir read it from beginning to end, a glowing account of a new town and industrial complex where there was sure to be full employment, high wages, luxurious Government-sponsored accommodation, and shops full of all the necessities and luxuries that roubles could buy. But just as he was reaching ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sir Arthur and the case of brief case identity

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris..!
.
Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked,
.
"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted.....

Letter from North Korea

When my friend moved to North Korea, he knew his mail would be read by censors, so he told me: "Let's establish a code. If a letter you get from me is written in blue ink, it is true what I say. If it is written in red ink, it is false."
After a month, I got the first letter. Everything was wri...

Why do left-handed people make their smileys like this (:

So they don't get ink on their sleeve !

What did Mike Wazowski call his tattoo parlor?

Monster's Ink.

Do you know why newspapers don't print the pictures of all criminals?

They would run out of black ink

Bill Gate's butler was giving Bill's old friend a tour of Bill's house.

The friend couldn't help but notice that everything in the house was digital. They didn't even have a physical tv. Everything was a hologram. Heck it felt like the house itself was digital. Further away into the tour the old friend couldn't help but notice a piece of paper with some ink on it that l...

The Russian brothers hear the propaganda about Siberia...

how beautiful the weather is, how the shops are stocked with all necessities and luxuries, and prices are low.
Boris worries "Maybe they're just saying that to get people to move out there and work in the salt mines. How can we tell?"
Vladimir thinks a while, and comes up with an idea....

Beautiful Buns

From my father.

So there was this man and woman whom had been married for many years and were still very much in love. Their anniversary was coming up and the wife wanted to do something very special for her husband and comes up with a wonderful gesture.

She goes to a tattoo parlor an...

A man from Moscow decides to move to a new collective farm in Siberia.

His family is excited at the possibility of leaving their cramped flat in the city for a nice country house, but they have heard mixed things about the new Siberian farms so the man agrees to go on his own first, and write back to let them know if they should follow him or not.

They know the ...

Why cant obama ever be on a dollar bill?

they would have to use to much ink.

Breaking News: PIRATES STOPPED STEALING OIL TANKERS

They switched to stealing tankers filled with printer ink...

Old School Pirate Crime

Captain Normal Beard the up-and-coming pirate captain and his first mate Clumsy Edward were in desperate need of ink in order to make the numerous treasure maps they were sure create during all of their treasure-filled journeys. More than anything they needed red ink for the illustrious X's that wil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor has three patients lined up for breast exams...

The first comes in and takes her shirt off. The doctor sees a red letter "H" on her chest and asks what it is. She tells him "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and is so proud he keeps his sweatshirt on during sex and the ink runs."

The next woman enters and disrobes, and there is a blue "Y" on ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Topical Jokes (5/16)

Another day has gone by. And, of course, we now have a new set of jokes. Some of these are weirder but let's begin!

Inside int'l experts believe that Kim Jong Un may have two babies by two different women. In a quick response to the rumor, President Obama has appointed a new consul to North K...

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